I have busted my butt for months trying to make our marriage work after her A.

Now, I'm on the verge of giving up, my wife suddnely wants to jump both feet back into our marriage. Wants love, trust, an emotional bond.


It's almost too late for me. Now I feel gun shy.

How can I now get my head into this again, or is it too late.

I know the text book answer is: "You have to answer that for yourself"

But, I'm looking for real advice, from real people, not text books, nor people who haven't been through the same thing giving me their self-rightious "sagely" advice.

Thanks for any comments.

If you're asking if it's possible to get your love back for your wife, if you're able to trust her again, etc....Yes, it's possible. You just have to choose to do the things that will make that happen.

Your marriage will never be the same...but that's probably a good tihng, right?

"You have to answer that for yourself" isn't really a textbook answer. It's the honest truth. The question isn't whether or not you can get back into it, it's whether or not you want to. Once you decide that, the how is much easier.

I had the same decision to make. Put up with a year of backstabbing and waffling before the decision was made on her part to make things work with us no matter what. Granted, it was a chance on my part....I had nothing to tell me that it wouldn't happen again....there was something that seemed real that time, so that helped me decide to go with it.

You're the only one that can tell if your W is serious about reconciling, just like you're the only one that can decide if you have it in you to make another go of it. Personally I had to try....I couldn't take the thought of ending things at that point, only to find out after it was too late that she really was serious and only a little more time on my part would have put things back on the right track. It would have seemed like a waste after everything I had gone through up to that point.

High Road,

I'm not the only one who tell if my wife is serious. She is!!!! That is the problem, that is why I'm so gun shy.

I can't tell. Does she seem "into" it? Yes.

But, I can't bring myself to trust her after the war the past few months.

It seems the Marriage Builder books, and this site seem to help so many people make it thru, I've read about it. But, for me, I feel little more than gum on her shoe.

And now, she suddenly wants me.

That doesn't feel right. The story in the SAA book. That poor guy waited two years (I think it was about that long).
Well now, my number gets called, and I'm supposed to jump up and come running.

That makes me feel so low.

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 08:45 AM: Message edited by: pokedad ]</small>

Pokedad,

I don't think it's too late. I understand what you are saying about being gun shy. I was with my ex for 7 yrs and he made some cruel statements about me and our marriage, after that I shut down emotionally, we worked opposite shifts, we never saw each other. I was ready to seperate from him and live my life with my daughter without him. After months of different things happening, my xh had a change of heart, he was sorry about what he said and done. In that change of heart he became over bearing. I felt overwhelmed and smothered. He was jealous if any guys ever talked to me(out of character for him). He wanted to spend every waking moment with me.

I had to talk to him about not being so jealous and smothering. I told him that I cared about him and that I wanted our M to work but he needed to back off a bit, he said his piece and then things began to come together nicely (for awhile anyway).

Are you and your wife in marriage counseling? if not then really try to get there. I think if my x and I would've things would be different now.

pokedad...

It sounds to me like you have done lots of work on the logistical meeting of her needs...

these are good things...great things...and I am not dismissing them by any means...and hopefully YOU have learned great tools and ways to act out cherishing acts...

and if you have learned to give sometimes...even when you don't feel like it...or found some joy and peace in the act of giving itself with no expectation...then even more blessed are you for these tools will serve you well in life...where-ever you are...

your wife perhaps though is putting the cart before the horse...

Now, I'm on the verge of giving up, my wife suddnely wants to jump both feet back into our marriage. Wants love, trust, an emotional bond.

if SHE wants these things....then it is time for her to step up to your plate...
you need to have you boundaries indentified..
you need to have your plan when boundaries are crossed...
you need to be very clear about what will no longer be tolerated in your universe...

If you have a spouse that wants to..

move on/
forget/
get over it/
not-dwell-on-it.

then she is not willing to do the work needed for real recovery and though she claims...she

Wants love, trust, an emotional bond.

then she darn well be ready to do the work...

If she's not then her words of wanting you have no meaning...

people need counseling after such an emotional crisis...
and yours if any nonreceptiveness is also part of the factor that hinders true recovery for you..

no matter the obtacles...if you really want a marraige its going to take work....

you have lots of options..

walk away now..
go to plan b that indentifies the exact boundaries she needs to put in to play before you will even think of recovery work...
OR
you can pick a time limit for yourself that you are willing to stay connected...

does she answer your questions
does she hear your pain or does she still say those are your issues....

your answer on what to do are not in you...
they are in her actions....

what is she offering to do to get the marriage she wants...

but then again...
this could all be... self-rightious "sagely" advice

but be forwarned...that's pretty much ALL you can get on these boards.....

but more likely it is words of wisdom...if you are receptive them ....

ARK

WOW Ark has some great advice!!! Wishing you the best

ark^^
Thanks...I don't know how to turn this around. To become a taker, not just a giver.

I try to work these things. I will keep on trying.

As for my "sagely advice" comment. It's not directed here.
More, to those people we all deal with on a daily basis in our real lives, no matter how well meaning, who want to tell us what to do, tell us how forge on, tell us how to fix it.