First, I finally picked up the SAA book (it is way better to use the actual book than get bits-and-pieces from this web site.) My life is almost exactly the Jon, Sue, Greg story!! Except for the part where Sue sees through the fog. Hence my question...

I need some help in letting my WW let go of the OM. According to WW, she has not talked with OM for over a month now. The reason why is that OM severed contact with WW. He wanted to work on rebuilding his family. Unfortunalty, this just left WW more confused and rejected. She still has yet to see A for what it really was. WW says she is still in love with OM. How can I help her get that closure so she can focus on trying to save our marriage?

-- Pak23

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need some help in letting my WW let go of the OM.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your WW has to desire this herself. You cannot create a desire in her ... but you can create a loving home environment where she feels safe and protected.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can I help her get that closure so she can focus on trying to save our marriage?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The concept of "closure" is a tough one for newbies. Newbies usually want that magical moment where *poof* the door to the affair is permanently closed.

Closure is not one moment. Closure is a process. Closure is a direction. The single most important element to "closure" is NO CONTACT. With NC the WW's addiction and desire for the thrill of the OP gradually diminishes over time.

Often the WS will say they need "closure" and to them it is that one final conversation with OP where all the uncomfortable loose ends of their affair are tied up neatly. THIS NEVER WORKS. The contact of that meeting creats a rush of feelings that transfuse new juices into the addiction and the closure is LESS likely.

Make sure your WW is NOT contacting OM. If she does contact OM be sure to inform OM's wife. And ask her to do you the same favor.

Good luck.

Pep

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

So I guess my question is, how do I know when the withdrawel for the OM has ended? Or at least she is at the point to start marital recovery? All of the books (including SAA) make it seem like badda-bing, badda-boom, some kind of realization happens and the WS agrees to beginning marital recovery. My wife has not yet come that far.

My WW absolutley would NOT agree to the precautions advised in SAA. She knows how I feel about it, though. I asked her to write the letter and she point blank said no way. I get the usual, marriage shouldn't be work, it should just happen, I shouldn't have to write a letter, etc.

It's been over three months since I have found out the real truth and I feel like we are just coasting along in nothingness.

PAK

I can only say ditto to what Pep has said.

I am a WS...there are no neat and clean edges to humanity. If the OM wants to rebuild his M then he should send a NC letter to your W. The more final things are the sooner reality will be able to "sink in".

PB suggests that:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make sure your WW is NOT contacting OM. If she does contact OM be sure to inform OM's wife. And ask her to do you the same favor.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think "closure" comes when they close the lid on the coffin.
H

Ok Pak

bada-bing ---> make marital counseling mandatory FOR YOURSELF ... if she is currently not willing to fight for the marriage you may need to let her know that as much as you'd like to, you cannot do all the heavy lifting of recovery without her help.

If she thinks marriage recovery after her affair should not be "work" ... she'd better REthink or else she may find herself UNmarried. (but don't tell her this ... just hold that thought to yourself for now)

Tell her the following AFTER you make an appointment:

"I have scheduled a marriage counseling appointment on this day at this time. I hope you decide to come with me. I will go on my own if you decide you are not willing to go with me. Your affair has told me that something is not right in our marriage, and I am willing to look at our problems and make an effort to have the best marriage possible."

Then leave it at that. Do not argue with her... but offer her the opportunity for her to go too.

And KEEP going ... pretty soon she's going to press you to know what you are talking about behind her back. DON'T TELL HER unless she goes with you.

She may decide to go with you one day out of curiosity.

Pep

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

WH and I started MC in this same way. I started going to IC when I found out about the A but before he knew I knew. WH went to one IC session with another person and said he'd never go again. During a discussion one day, I told him that I had an appointment at a certain time on a certain day for IC. If he wanted to come and make it into MC, he was welcome to do that. I called my counselor before the appointment to warn her that this might happen.

Lo and behold, WH DID show up. Somehow, he is drawn to these sessions. He's thrown a couple tantrums. He doesn't always like what he hears. Last week, he'd gone black for a few days but still came. That was a pleasant surprise. I think he likes to talk about himself and I've found out some interesting things.

I think making an appointment and inviting WS to attend is a great technique. They can't resist it.