Hi all. I'm new here, and looking for advice. Only been married 6 months. I had been dating my wife for 8 years, and we live together for 2 years prior to getting married. We got together at the beginning of college, and were the only one each other had ever been in a real relationship with, and definitely the only ones each other had ever been in love with.

Our relationship was always good (at least I thought so.) We were always there for each other no matter what. Very rarely argued. We both supported each other through many hard times, and we had a lot of fun together.

In the past year or so (after we got engaged and were living together), we started to lose some of the "spark" we once had. I think a lot of it was due to the pressure of real life (both working, and being in college anymore.) We weren't intimate anywhere near as often as we used to be (I fault us both for this, not just her.) And we stopped communicating like we used to. I think a lot of it was that we started to live normal, everyday lives, and everyday life isn't always fun. There are times when it is routine.

She said a few times that she felt like we were an old couple, and didn't do exciting things anynmore. But she always said she loved me more than anyhting, and that I was her other half. I guess in some ways, I stopped trying as hard once we were engaged because I knew she was mine, but she had also done the same.

So about 2 months ago, I could tell something was wrong. Eventually, she told me she kissed another guy when she was out with her friend one night and was drunk. I got upset, but we agreed that we would work on this and work things out.

A few weeeks after that, she told me she didn't know if she wants to work it out. She said she doesn't know if she is in love with me anymore, and that she doesn't feel the spark. She said she loves me, and that I'm the greatest guy in the world, but she just doesn't feel the attraction like she sued to. She said she had doubted it a few times, but never had the strength to say anyhting, and now she finally does. She said that she's had crushes over the years, and that if she really lvoed me, this wouldn't happen.

She also said that she had continued to talk to the guy she kissed. She then decided to stay with her friend for a while while she "sorted things out". I later found out that when she was staying with this friend, she was at this guys house most of the time, and had been cheating on me. She told me that they had an instant "connection" that she doesn't feel with me anymore, and that she thinks she is in love with him (after knowing him for 1 month, and seeing each other 4 times.)

This was hard to grasp since prior to this all happening, she seemed so in love with me. She would call me 3 times a day from work just to say hi. We'd come home at night and cuddle together for hours. Just 2 weeks before everyhting blew up, I was having problems at work, and she said "I don't care if you lose your job, we can be poor as long as we have each other. As long as we're together, nothing else matters." And this is always how she made me feel.

So eventually she came back and we were living together again, and we spent the holidays together. But she would not agree to do anything "fun." Didn't want to go on dates, wouldn't be intimate, barely even let me hold her hand. She said she just didn't feel it and wasn't going to fake it. I guess I felt like she was doing this, and pretending to feel this way so she could in some way justify what she had done.

Eventually, she reluctantly agreed to end it with him. But I found out she continued to talk to him. At one point, after finding out this was continuing, we both pretty much agreed it was over.

Then I wrote her a letter pleading with her to at least give us a real chance. I told her she never did since she didn't try to work on things without the other guy in the picture. I said she owed it to us and all our family and freinds who supported us through the years. She said she'd think about it, but she wasn't into it, and din't want to get my hope up that we'd work things out.

So 2 days later, when I was out, she called me and said she ended it with him. She said she did it becasue I guilted her into it. She said she's not doing it becasue she wants to, but because I made her feel so guilty (and so did her parents.) She said if this is how I want it, this is what I'll get. But she said she's going to be miserable, and won't want to do anything with me. (this was 3 days ago.)

So now, she's home, but barely talking to me. She locked herself in the bedroom all weekend, and when I say anyhting to her, she give me a one word answer in a very upset voice.

I've been trying to meet her EN's over the past 2 months, and am still trying, but she' s not letting me in. One of her biggest needs is for me to be spontanious, and provide her with more fun. But how do I do this if she won't go out with me to do fun things.

How do I show her I'll listen to her more if she won't talk to me?

Is it time to move on to Plan B? I don't know if I can do that. Inside me, I feel like once we're apart, and she runs to this guy, I can't go back to her. But I defintely don't want to lose her.

Any advice is much appreciated.

I guess one of the things I'm looking for advice on is this:

Do you think she is just in withdrawal right now since she ended the A, or do you think she really hates me, and me making her end this is just making things worse?

For me, I feel like if she really didn't want to work on things (which is what she has been saying for the past month), she would have left already.

If she is just feeling withdarwal, is it best to leave her alone for now? Or do I try to comfort her. Do I continue at this point to try to fill her EN's, or just let her be until it seems she has gotten over the withdrawal a little?

ski,

Do you have proof that she ended the A? Did she write a NC letter for you to read? Best thing I can recommend is a good MC for the two of you. Keep reading and some more experience people will come along to advise you. Sorry for the situation that brings you here. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

^bump^

It could have something to do with pride and saving face. Could she be ashamed?.

She still may be lying to you and still involved with the OM. She may not have ended it herself. If she did then she is probably in withdrawal.

Buy Surviving an Affair and see if she'll read it. Also, get His Needs Her Needs. Fall in Love Stay in Love is another good one. All those books are available on this site and are by Dr. Willard Harley. Maybe you can read the books together. You can to try to convince her or show her that you can have a better relationship/marriage than you did before her affair.

If you can afford, it Steve Harley gives phone counselling which could help you both through this.

You can print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire on this website for both of you to fill out for each other.

Your wife is very lucky to have you for her husband.

It is interesting how opposites tend to marry...my H was always wanting to be more spontaneous than I naturally wanted to be.

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

She's at least still living with you....has she filled out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire for you?? I mean, my WH hasn't done this, but I can make an educated guess as to what he needs....my WH hasn't refused, but I think he will find it stupid if I were to give it to him. He's not a complicated guy, so I can really sorta guess.

I have no proof and no admission from my husband, so I am just going on what I've got (which is a boatload of circumstancial evidence)

What I'm hearing in your post is that your wifes reluctance to talk/go places with you is most likely hindering you filling her emotional needs. Are you backing off because she's not responding??? She is not going to be very happy if she's in withdrawl, and though I don't know this 1st hand I've heard that it's actually a good sign that she's acting depressed.

Don't lose heart, I know it sucks....but you just keep plugging away, you may not see results immediately, but she's not going to just forget how hard you're trying.

You can be spontaneous without taking her anywhere....you can do something crazy for her at home. I don't know what she likes, but you could go home before she gets off work and have a nice dinner ready for her, perhaps rent her favorite movie...go overboard, flower petals on the floor etc., if she doesn't respond, just keep trying other stuff.

I know at one point during my marriage my WH and I were having troubles, I wasn't happy....I was kinda feeling depressed and had left him once and stayed with my Mother for a few days, I wasn't having an Affair, but I could see how it could've happened very easily....anyway the point of the story is my husband arranged for a babysitter, told me to dress nice....took me to an expensive restaurant, took me on a carriage ride around downtown, had flower petals all over the bed when we got home, bought champagne and fed me chocolate covered strawberries.....That's crazy romantic isn't it??!? Guess what it didn't even phase me (quite a kick in the ego for him), I went along with everything, but I wasn't feelin' it. What I'm getting at here is that was probably 8 years ago, and while it didn't give him the immediate response he was looking for, I STILL remember it in detail....it stayed with me. Does that make sense?

Well, that's all I can really add, I hope it helps.

-Caren

Ski,

She is in withdrawal and you do have a problem. She thinks marriage is like going steady or even being engaged. It is not. However, you two can do this if you educate yourself enough. You should NOT even try to educate her right now. Learn about marriages, affairs, love busters, and needs. I suspect she is feeling the pressure of marriage and I suspect her expectations of marriage are not grounded in reality. I mean expectations of herself and you.

So read the articles here, if you can buy the book by Surviving An Affair by Harley. You can go to many Barnes and Nobles, get a cup of coffee and do some reading as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If she maintains no contact and she should write a letter to him stating no contact with you seeing it and mailing it, then her withdrawal will likely last a month or so. THEN you get to start recovery,and that will be no walk in the park.

But, it can be done,if the A ends. As for plan B, that is for the situation where the A is still going on.

God Bless,

JL