Hello everyone. Thought I'd start something new.

I believe H is going to file for D. Went to see an L, but it's too neat.

OW's H moved out xmas week (nice) but he couldn't take it anymore. Seems her true colors are coming out with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm Plan Bing. Saw H on Saturday at the wrestling tournament. Match 1 he was on the other side of gym. Match 2, moved to sit next to me and offered to get me a drink. Match 3, my side of gym, but little conversation, "going to my B's, when are you leaving?". Today he called my cell (not expecting it to be on) and spoke to me rather briefly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I'm not sure this is going to work. He's in deep MLC and she's still very much a part of his life. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I emailed him and suggested separate bank accounts and a discussion of who pays what. Also suggested that he start planning time with our S. He sees our D every other weekend, but hasn't laid out specific quality time with S.

Sat down with the kids to update them last night..."I want very much for our M to work...your dad doesn't want to go to T by himself or w/me, asked him for separate accts, I'm trying to keep the house so we need to be thrifty" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...didn't tell them about OW.

While I'm Bing it, what other options do I have to show myself yet within the framework of Bing? I'm open for all thoughts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks.
Susan

No answers for you, just wanted to commiserate with you. I will be interested in others replies to you as well. TKD

ustr,

What do you mean by work ?. Never go to plan B unless you could accept Dv.

You should not meet/see him ... plan B is No Contact.

Here is the senario ...

You look at him across the gymn and he saw you looking at him. In his mind, look, she is looking at me. She still loves me and misses me ... I could continue this A and go back if this A is not working.

I suggest you expose A to S & D, they are old enough. They need to know the truth and they will understand more.

Did you give him plan B letter ? you should think about the logistic of plan B ... inluding visitation and intermidiary.

-rh-

ustr-

I'm sure that has to be tough, I agree that you should let your kids know the reason for all of this lest they draw their own conclusions.

Red-

I've never heard anyone say to never go to Plan B unless you are ready for a divorce.....I will NEVER be ready for a divorce, so where the heck does that leave me?

-Caren

Caren,

Plan B is a risk. Read what Dr. Harley says. it is a risk because Plan B almost always forces the WS into the arms fulltime of the OP. And they could decide to stay there. Not likely...but possible.

That is why Red said that. You have to be prepared for the worst...and hope for the best.

In His arms.

CarenMc,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I will NEVER be ready for a divorce, so where the heck does that leave me?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To add to MM's explanation. Plan B is also preparation for you to build your life separate from WS. No one is ready for Dv'ed but you have to accept Dv as highly probable outcome. The prognosis of saving M is decreasing tremendously if BS has done "proper" plan A and A is still going on. In plan B ... BS could only hope that OP is not capable fillin ENs that has been fillin by BS, hopes that OP is LB'ng, hopes that financial/extrenal stresses destroy A. Lacking of those events ... Dv'ed is imminent.

JMVHO. -rh-

I'm Plan Bing.
That means you posted a Plan B letter and had it reviewed here and gave it to your husband, correct?

Match 2, moved to sit next to me and offered to get me a drink. Match 3, my side of gym, but little conversation, "going to my B's, when are you leaving?". Today he called my cell (not expecting it to be on) and spoke to me rather briefly.
... emailed him and suggested separate bank accounts and a discussion of who pays what. Also suggested that he start planning time with our S.
How is any of this in line with Plan B?

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris is correct!!

Okay, I stand corrected. I was doing really well with Plan A until the holidays...then all fell to sh**. Had all kinds of relationship talks when the D word came up.

He's still seeing OW since 2/04 (no sign of letting up) and they worked together for the past 3 years. (She works in my company so I see her occassionally <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) He realized he was IL in Feb before he left the company. I got the ILYB speech in March, he moved out 6/04.

I have my sitch on Plan B letter...thoughts. He's deep in midlife crisis (MLC). We've been married for 19 years (11/23/04) which is why the holidays were so rough.

I have to get myself back on track. By not seeing him or talking to him, I have a better PMA. But I DON'T want a D!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

What should I do? What's the best tack? All ideas welcome! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Susan

Susan,

No one want a Dv but sometime we can't reject it. You either in plan A or plan B ... there is nothing in between. If it is too painfull to plan A, you could take a break. However not talking and distance has worst impact to your M.

Follow the proper steps in MB or get counseling from Harleys.

-rh-

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 07:15 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Everyone...H isn't c***ing, not emailing...I'm out of the picture.

Sent an email about separating our $, been separated 7 month. Seems to be doing everything to destroy our M. Still with OW, still worried about his job...

Today we refinanced to lower our monthly payments. My paycheck is now going into my indv acct. Asked H in the email when we should get together to ensure the bills get paid. Being sweet, but he's not moving toward me -- he's moving away.

Ideas, suggestions, opinions (can always count on that!).
Susan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ustr:
<strong> Everyone...H isn't c***ing, not emailing...I'm out of the picture.

Sent an email about separating our $, been separated 7 month. Seems to be doing everything to destroy our M. Still with OW, still worried about his job...

Today we refinanced to lower our monthly payments. My paycheck is now going into my indv acct. Asked H in the email when we should get together to ensure the bills get paid. Being sweet, but he's not moving toward me -- he's moving away.

Ideas, suggestions, opinions (can always count on that!).
Susan </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, Surviving an Affair is hard drink isnt it?
Please get a copy of this book, not for your WH but for yourself, to maintain your sanity.

Also, Remember you don't have to dialogue with your WH before you make moves to protect yourself and your marriage from his fog-induced actions. Just do it. You don't trust him having access to YOUR money while HE'S with OW, yank him off the account; you don't need to clear it with him beforehand.

Only you know if you've Plan A'd long enough or if it's time to Plan B. My WW told me in writing that she admired, appreciated and respected how much I tried, how hard I fought and how attentive, supportive I had been, but she needed to make up her own mind about HER life and HER needs so basically her repeatedly leaving and her own admission transplanted me into Plan B. I mean when the WS tells you *Great Job and I wish I could reciprocate all of the great things you're doing, but I just can't; lets just say Plan B doesnt get any more obvious.

Dr. Harley says that you should consider Plan B BEFORE you lose all of your love for your spouse and it sounds like WH is continually stepping on your heart, be careful not to stay in PLAN A so long that you resent you H too much to save the M <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Take Care,

FM

FM, your plan B...how do you do a plan B when you see your s during wrestling matches, etc?

Redhat, I'd love to get counseling from the Harley's, but I think it's too late, his MLC is moving him forward w/o much thought. Thoughts?

I recognize that not talking isn't good for the M, but what other recourse do I have? He's too involved with OW and doesn't seem concerned about losing me, the kids, the house, his family, etc -- all of it for this OW.

Ow's H left the week of christmas, "Susan, I just couldn't take it any more." My H knew at noon, OW's H called me at 2:00. The A gets stronger, and I'm out of the picture. H has chosen not to call me or phone, doesn't want to hurt me...blah, blah. Rationalization complete.

IDEAS?
Susan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ustr:
<strong>Redhat, I'd love to get counseling from the Harley's, but I think it's too late, his MLC is moving him forward w/o much thought. Thoughts?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you could afford it you should do it. They could help you to identify when to go plan B or revisit your plan A. You could also get coaching from Cerri to help you out too.

Exposure is a really big part of plan A. You hide it from your kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . What else do you do in your plan A ?.

I am not saying you should not go to plan B but you have explore all the posibilities in your plan A before you go to plan B. One major reason that WS put NC on BS is because your plan A is too painfull for them to face !!!!.

-rh-