After lurking for about a year now, I've decided to post and ask for some advice. I feel terrible in that I'm a WW, and most folks on this site are BS... I never thought in a million years I'd be a cheater, but things happen and my mistake has changed my life forever...

I've been with my H for ten years, but we've been married for 2 and 1/2. I've been involved with another man for the same amount of time... 2 and 1/2 years. After my wedding, I immediately had an "oh my god, I just made a big mistake" moment, and instead of talking out my feelings of fear and doubt with my husband, I found solace with a co-worker of mine... a man I had had a crush on for two years.

My husband is a sweet, good person and we have a lot of hobbies and interests in common. We started dating when we were very young and did a lot of "hanging out"...we rarely talked about typical husband/wife future stuff, like raising a family, etc... we just talked about music, movies, jobs, family, friends, etc. He was my first love and I was his, and we both lost our virginity to each other. Our "teenage young love" years never seemed to mature, and we continued being more buddy-like as the years progressed...

From the very beginning of our relationship, my H told me he didn't want children. Since we started dating so young, I figured he would change his mind when he got older. As I tried to bring it up over the years, I received the same reaction... so I stopped bringing it up, in hope that he would change his mind eventually. I've always wanted to have children, and it was my fault that I didn't make that more clear to my H from the very beginning... this was my first realization after we were married, that he may never change his mind and I will never have the family that I always wanted...

My husband also suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, and right after our honeymoon he had a terrible spell and wouldn't go to work for two weeks. My brother has bipolar disorder, and I suddenly had the feeling that I would be taking care of another mentally ill person for the rest of my life... another "what did I just do?" moment that helped fuel the desire to be close to someone else, instead of talking to my H about how I was scared starting our life together as husband and wife...

I had several more of these panic-striken realizations, and I wondered, "why didn't I think of all this stuff before??" I know why now... because my H is a good person and I loved him, and I enjoyed our day to day life together. I was relatively inexperienced relationship-wise (as was he) and the subject of our "future" never really came up... EVER!

When I started becoming depressed and upset about my marriage, I started staying late at work... doing anything and everything so I didn't have to go home and face what I thought was my "big mistake." One day this OM who I had a crush on came up to my desk and started talking to me... I had always wanted to get to know him better, but I knew that was not appropriate so I never acted on my feelings... until that moment. I spontaneously asked him if he wanted to go out for a couple of beers after work and BOOM, we've been together ever since.

It's amazing how your mind works. At the time it was completely innocent to me... "I know it's not right to ask a man out when your in a committed relationship, but he's just so cool and like my friends back home... what's wrong with wanting a new pal?" (even though I was attracted to him this was my warped thinking!)

As with many affairs, we fell madly, wildly and deeply in love IMMEDIATELY... I thought he was "the one", my soulmate, the person I waited my whole life for... as did he. Without knowing my situation with my husband, he told me he "wanted to make babies with me" and start a family right away (never mind that he was twenty years older than me, on his second marriage and already raising five kids at home.) Our feelings for each other were so intense and passionate that I started questioning ever being in love with my husband... how could I love him if I've never felt this way about another person my whole life?

Needless to say, it's been almost three years now and I am still married (my H does not know) and I am still having an A (the OM who wanted to "make babies with me" changed his mind after three months and said he would never leave his W right after I told him I was getting ready to leave my H so we could "start our life together"...)

I don't know why I continue to see the OM when it is clear we have no future together. I love and care about him very much, but I don't trust him (he has had multiple affairs and I've caught him lying to me on several occassions) and I no longer want to have a future with him... maybe it is the "addiction" part of the affair that is keeping us together, however he is one of my best friends and I really enjoy the physical part of our relationship...

On the other hand, I am sick of leading a double life and I feel tremendous guilt over what I'm doing to my husband and to the OM's W and family... I really am getting ready to move on, to find myself and seek the family I've always wanted...

So here is where I need some advice... how do I break it off with the OM? I have tried two other times during our relationship and it's HORRIBLE, he just goes CRAZY. The last time he was getting ready to reveal our relationship to my husband... I don't want that to happen, ever!! I understand what Dr. H says, but my husband is sweet and innocent and I don't want to hurt him this way... ever! It makes me cry just thinking about it (I know that's selfish and I deserve what I get, but I just can't, can't hurt him...)

The two times I've tried breaking the relationship off, the OM loses his mind and ends up saying all kinds of intense stuff, making promises about "our future" and talking about us having kids... I know it's manipulative, but it's intense and I fall for it each time... I know in my heart that what he likes about our relationship is the sex, and if we were to end it he would find sex somewhere else, which kills me because he's only the second man I've been intimate with and while our affair is the FIRST and LAST for me EVER, I know he'll find another one which renders the last three years I've been in love with him meaningless (although I'm sure many of you would argue it's still meaningless even if he never strayed again...)

Anyway, I still don't know what the future holds for me and my H... he still doesn't want to have kids and we have many teary conversations about it... I have these fantasies of just picking up and leaving both my H and the OM... I just feel so awful and empty sometimes... I can't believe I ever got myself into this situation. Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom? I've stopped seeing my therapist and the two people who know about my A (my best friend and my mom) are uncomfortable talking about it with me at this point (since it keeps going and going and going for no apparent reason.) Thank you in advance and I've learned a lot from reading your stories!

Hello,

It is really pretty simple.

1) Tell your husband that his entire marriage has been a joke. Tell him that you have been having an affair your entire marriage.

2) Write the OM a no-contact letter. Someone here will help you construct one. Let your husband read it. Mail it to the OM AND his wife. She surely has a right to know what her husband has been up to.

3) You find another place to work.

4) Get ready to watch as your husband’s world shatter. It is not pleasant.


5) By the way, I had an affair too . . . I’m just telling you what you need to hear.


Good luck. This is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done. Maybe tell your husband about this site. He is going to need a lot of support.

Katie,,

Welcoe to MB. If you read all the stuff here by Dr. Harley, read his books (start with Surviving an Affair), and put it into practice, you can extricate yourself and your husband from this.

To start with, the only way you will get the willpower to end this is with this being exposed. You MUST tell your husband. You must tell him what has happened, and why. I know this scares you, but first off, your husband has a right to know. Second, once he is over the shock, he will be your best asset in keeping you away from OM. How? Well, because you two will begin working on your marriage and he will start meeting your needs. Second, this affair (as almost all of them do) will lose its luster once it is exposed. It wont have the same feelings or meaning.

So many FWSs on here have said this. That once their BS found out, the pain on their faces was enough to taint any feelings they had for the OP. Sure, they still craved the OP. But now, it was something dirty, almost.

On the having a child issue, if you had been honest with your husband from the beginning, then you would probably not been in this situation. Having a child is very important to you. The two of you should be able to discuss this, and find a solution. That is why your husband needs MB principles also. Because he needs to learn to meet your needs in how you need them.

but first things first. You must let your husband know. Your OM's wife needs to know also. That will also help in getting OM away from you. Once you have exposed the affair, then never contact OM again. Send a No Contact letter to him (Harley outlines how to do that on this website). And then prepare for withdrawal. For a few weeks, you will feel like hell. But guess what? Yo uare going to go thru this. Once OM is gone for good, you WILL go thru this. Or, if you get caught and husband leaves, you will go thru withdrawal from him. It is better that you are in control of this situation and prepared for the outcome.

The affair must end right now. You must tell your husband and OMW. You must write a NC letter. And the two of you must get into counseling (with the Harleys if you can). And then read like crazy all of the stuff MB has.

If you do, you just might have an opportunity to get what you want. But, so far, your marriage has been filled with lies and deceit. That must end FIRST before there is any hope for the two of you.

In His arms.

[dble pst sorry

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: faithful follower ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The last time he was getting ready to reveal our relationship to my husband... I don't want that to happen, ever!! I understand what Dr. H says, but my husband is sweet and innocent and I don't want to hurt him this way... ever! It makes me cry just thinking about it (I know that's selfish and I deserve what I get, but I just can't, can't hurt him...)

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I speak from experience when I tell you that you are hurting your H more by not telling him. You are protecting yourself, not him. First step is to quit kidding yourself. OM is not for you and your H has the right to know about the A. He has the right to make the decision to stay M'd to you or not. By the way have you been tested for STD's? Are you having unprotected sex with both OM and your H?

Please tell your H the truth, break it off with OM for good and get into IC. You really need to explore who you are. Good luck to you.

I am both a BS and FWS for the record. I also commend you for your courage to come here and confess. God bless.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It makes me cry just thinking about it (I know that's selfish and I deserve what I get, but I just can't, can't hurt him...) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This may sound harsh, and I am sorry for that.

The first thing that came to my mind when I saw this is...

If you can't hurt him (anymore) THEN TELL HIM.
If you can't hurt him THEN WHY DID YOU, and why do you continue to do it, even when you know it is wrong?
If you can't hurt him then don't ever talk to the OM again....

Danielle

Danielle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Katie Mae:
<strong> I don't know why I continue to see the OM when it is clear we have no future together. I love and care about him very much, but I don't trust him (he has had multiple affairs and I've caught him lying to me on several occassions) and I no longer want to have a future with him... maybe it is the "addiction" part of the affair that is keeping us together, however he is one of my best friends and I really enjoy the physical part of our relationship...

On the other hand, I am sick of leading a double life and I feel tremendous guilt over what I'm doing to my husband and to the OM's W and family... I really am getting ready to move on, to find myself and seek the family I've always wanted...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Katie, I admire your courage to come here and post with your situation. You want to make the turn and you know you need help to do it. Most likely you need 'in person' help and I would encourage you to seek out a 12 step recovery group like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or Sexaholics Anonymous. As a recovering SA parts of your story read a lot like mine. I feel compassion for you in that longing to be loved and in your vulnerability when your marriage has vital parts missing from what you had dreamed it would be. I also relate to your wrong choices, the realizations that what you thought was an answer ISN'T and actually a lot worse than your spouse at home (except in the sexual area). I relate, I relate, I relate. Awful. The fantasy has cracks in it but there's still a lot of denial you're in. If OM is a chronic cheater and you have caught him in lies, how in the world is this man a good friend? You're kidding yourself. If you are staying together just for the sex and there is a compulsive element to that, the sad truth is that probably you have the same sickness I have: sexual addiction. Yeah I know this is only your second guy that you've ever been intimate with but the dynamics are there. You and OM are in a mutually exploitative relationship, using each other and the 'rush' of sexual pleasure (the same chemicals stimulated by morphine in the brain are stimulated by sex) to ESCAPE both your realities. You weren't made for each other, both of you have lost your way and are running hard from unpleasant realities you don't want to face. Make the turn now and face the hard consequences of your actions and you will save yourself years, if not a lifetime of grief and regrets.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">4) Get ready to watch as your husband’s world shatter. It is not pleasant. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will echo this. The single most painful part of the exposure of my infidelities was how badly I hurt my wife. She still has not been able to heal from it. My job at the time was in a position of trust and leadership and the exposure of my infidelity led to me losing my job and career....but even that was not nearly as painful as hurting my wife. It's ironic because some of my wandering was related to anger and resentment toward my wife for not cooperating with our having the marriage I dreamed of and she did have some responsibility....like your husband does. But NOTHING justifieds infidelity. NOTHING. It is the wrong choice to the marital problem. It is an absolutely SELF-DAMAGING choice that is destructive to you and everyone who cares about you.

OK, you took a wrong turn but now you're here looking to make the right turn. Maybe, like me, you're looking for the easy way to make it. If there is an easy way, I don't know it. REGARDLESS it is the RIGHT thing and the move you need to get your life back. We are here to help but again let me encourage you to seek out a recovery group in your area. It will make a dramatic difference.

Katie,

So let's see the OM blackmails you with telling your H when you try to stop this. Sounds like a real friend to me. Sounds more like sex slavery with velvet gloves right now, but with far worse IF you decide to end this.

So I guess the right decision is to keep your H in the dark, stay with OM because you have to and NEVER have children. All good choices don't you think??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I sure don't.

Of course you could just up and divorce your H, leave your job and that won't hurt at all will it? Your H will still be crushed, you will be jobless, and of course you have NOT solved any of your issues so any future man will be getting together with an adultress who has NOT learned to face herself or her choices. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Nope that does not sound good at all since that guarentees to hurt your H, hurt your chances for a happy marriage to your H or some other man, and probably will hurt your children should you have them with your next divorce.

Am I painting a pretty gloomy picture? You bet I am. You have put yourself squarely in a big mess and I know you know that. What you have to realize is that you don't get around messes like this, you must get through them. And to get through them with minimum damage and the best odds of a good outcome, takes HONESTY with yourself, your H, and yes OM's W.

I would strongly encourage you to seek some counseling. I would strongly urge you start to develop a strategy for telling your H and then getting both of you help once you do. I would strongly urge you to really talk to your Mother, because I have a hard time believing she supports your behavior and the betrayal of her son-in-law, although she may be a woman of that character, you are surely showing the signs of a woman with low character. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Katie, this is harsh for a simple reason. I am not sure you really want to hear what we have to say, but hear this if nothing else. You must go through this, there are no ways around it that will not come a get you later.

I could go on about what your dishonesty now and in the future has and will do to the marriage, but I think I have said enough for now.

Until you make a decision to really end this, we cannot help much. Until you decide to tell your H, you will have little chance of having the sort of marriage that would encourage him to become a father to your children. I am sorry that is the truth.

I am betting he has sensed something wrong all along but since your A has coincided with the ENTIRE marriage he has not guessed it yet. However, I would bet he is uneasy deep down and surely would not want to become a father with that feeling no matter what else bothers him about being a father.

You have no idea how deeply what you have done has affected the people around you. You have made your mother and your best friends into liars. You have betrayed OM's W and her children. You have made yourself a liar, and of course you have made a fool of your H. Time to start reversing some of this just a bit and that takes honesty.

God Bless,

JL

Ditto to what JL said. Honesty...always.

In His arms.

I'm sorry that you've found yourself in this situation, but I have to echo what the others have said, You HAVE to tell your husband, no matter how shattering you feel this may be to him, if he discovers it at a later date, it will be far more shattering to him--it would be adding insult to injury.

It appears to me that your husband loves you, and as such, he may want to work this out. He's gonna be angry, he's gonna be hurt, he's going to lash out at you.....and these things you are going to have to endure, let him feel what he's feeling, all that you can say is that you are sorry, that you want to make it work, and that you'll do whatever it takes to never hurt him this way again. If he accepts this, you are on your way to recovery, if he can't you may be getting divorced. Either way it is imperative that you are honest.

And you should most DEFINITELY let your OM's wife in on this. She should know the slimy things her husband is doing, so that she can protect herself. He appears, from your story, to be a serial cheater, and his wife/children deserve better than that.

As the wife in a situation where her husband is being unfaithful, I'm here to tell you that I would much rather hear the truth then be kept in the dark. It's painful, it sucks, but I do love my husband, and I do feel that we can get through this.

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren

Thank you for all your posts... I haven't cried so hard in a long time. Everything you say is right... I just need to find the strength to tell my H. I talked to the OM today and told him that what we're doing is wrong and I didn't want to pursue the relationship any further... he cried and hugged me and told me he would "follow my lead"... I need to be away from him so I can clear my head and make things right with my H...

I must admit how shocked I was at the accuracy of your post, XScoundrel... one thing I didn't mention in my first post was the sexual problems my H and I have had since the very beginning of our relationship... to make a long story short, after a year together my H held me down and forced himself on me after a disagreement... we've talked about it a lot, cried about it and he's said he's sorry but after that incident my sexual feelings for him were never the same again... for years I thought there was something wrong with me because I never wanted to have sex and didn't like him touching me (before I was very sexually free)... since other parts of our relationship were good, I figured it was okay and just "what happens" to couples and sex was something I did once a week to keep my H from arguing with me (even though I masturbated when I wanted sex instead of initiating it with a willing sex partner, and wouldn't change in front of him for fear of arousing him... I can't believe how wrong and messed up that was!!) It wasn't until after my A started and I began reading articles on this site that I realized I had a "sexual aversion" to my H due to that one incident... something that you can clearly work through in therapy once it's recognized.... however now I am involved with OM who I enjoy having sex with (that side of me was liberated once we got together) and for a long time I was angry at my H, "why should I have to work on our sexual problems when it's your fault to begin with" (and I selfishly enjoy sex with someone else.) So there is truth in what you say, XScoundrel... the physical part of my A is huge for me, but it is also an escape and I need to stop running away from the pain and unpleasantries in my life...

I want to thank everyone for being so real with me... not trying to spare my feelings and telling me how it really is. Just Learning, it's funny that you call me a woman of "low character" while saying you find it hard to believe that my mom supports me... you are right! My mom actually said the same thing to me... she called me a person of "low moral character" and she lets me have it... however, when I first told her about the A it was because I had just broken it off for the second time and I needed her help to stay away from him (at least I thought that would work) and she was very supportive throughtout that ordeal... it wasn't until the A was rekindled that she became unsupportive, and who can blame her...

Faithful follower, I have had multiple STD tests and an AIDS test, I get tested every three months or so for STDs (it always makes me feel sick when I report back to the OM, "looks like we're okay"... what a disgusting person I am.)

Anyway, thanks again for the words of wisdom everyone... I just need to find the strength to do what I need to do and what's right... also. the OM and I don't work together anymore, we haven't worked together in two years and that's something I didn't mention in my original post... thank goodness.

Well, now you know.

Your best shot at no contact with the Om and with rekindling your marriage is to tell your husband. And then a No contact letter for the OM that your husband reads and approves. Your husband, unlike your mother, will be the best person to help you keep NC with OM.

Telling him is no easy task. I would have that NC letter with you when you do tell him. That way, it will be the first installment to showing him that you want this to work.

Expect his world to explode. Expect anything for a little while. His world as he knows it will be ending...it is the same stress and emotions that one gets when they lose a child. All you can do is be there for him and be honest. He needs to do the rest.

Get a MC/IC ready (the Harleys if you can). By you taking the initiative in the recovery process, it will help him believe that you are for real...that he can again start trusting you (and for now, he should not trust you).

Be an open book to him. Nothing hidden, no part of your day unaccounted for. You are in no position to bargain here.

Let family and friends of OM know also. They should know, and they will be of help in keeping you two apart. You might think that you dont want to hurt your "friend" in that way, but you will come to understand that he is not a friend. You owe him nothing.

Get your husband the Surviving an Affair Book, Torn Assunder book, and others. HAve him come here. He needs to understand that even though he will be hurting, that you will be also (withdrawal). He needs to know that yes, it isnt fair. But there is no other way.

Time to get with it. You took your marriage here. But a new one can be started in its place. But it has to start today. Only thru going thru this can you guys come out the other side one day with the marriage that you truly want and deserve.

Once you get thru this first mess, then you can get onto the issues that led to your marriage being here. The issue of him forcing sex on you should be addressed...BUT NOT NOW!!! Dont say "Well, I did wrong and had an affair...but it was due to what you did." That is never the case. He did things that made you vulnerable and hurt. But you had free will. Thus, take responsibility for your own actions. Later, you can bring out how things he did made an affair possible.

I hope this helps. You are responsible for your husbands pain. You are responsible to help him heal (as he is responsbile to help you).

In His arms.

Post deleted by Justuss

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Katie Mae:
<strong> I must admit how shocked I was at the accuracy of your post, XScoundrel... one thing I didn't mention in my first post was the sexual problems my H and I have had since the very beginning of our relationship... to make a long story short, after a year together my H held me down and forced himself on me after a disagreement... we've talked about it a lot, cried about it and he's said he's sorry but after that incident my sexual feelings for him were never the same again... for years I thought there was something wrong with me because I never wanted to have sex and didn't like him touching me (before I was very sexually free)... since other parts of our relationship were good, I figured it was okay and just "what happens" to couples and sex was something I did once a week to keep my H from arguing with me (even though I masturbated when I wanted sex instead of initiating it with a willing sex partner, and wouldn't change in front of him for fear of arousing him... I can't believe how wrong and messed up that was!!) It wasn't until after my A started and I began reading articles on this site that I realized I had a "sexual aversion" to my H due to that one incident... something that you can clearly work through in therapy once it's recognized.... however now I am involved with OM who I enjoy having sex with (that side of me was liberated once we got together) and for a long time I was angry at my H, "why should I have to work on our sexual problems when it's your fault to begin with" (and I selfishly enjoy sex with someone else.) So there is truth in what you say, XScoundrel... the physical part of my A is huge for me, but it is also an escape and I need to stop running away from the pain and unpleasantries in my life...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Katie, I have great hope for you. But the immediate road ahead is dark and difficult and painful. You have an opportunity to make things right and what you do will go a long way to shaping the kind of person you will be and what kind of life you will have. You've ALREADY made some good decisions. You're coming here and posting here shows there is MORE to your heart than just what most people fixate on: your infidelity. You have a heart that wants to do right or you wouldn't even be here, you wouldn't have posted, and you wouldn't be accepting of the hard truths that people have shared with you. Your decision to share this with your mom to get support to end the relationship was also a good decision even though it didn't seem to work. Evil thrives in the darkness and begins to die when exposed to the light. Secrets are the substance of our sickness. Telling your mom and friend still may have helped and those were courageous moves on your part. It's hard to get the kind of support and accountability one needs from people who aren't or haven't struggled with the same issues. That's why I want to again urge you to seek out a recovery group. YOU CAN'T do this alone.

A couple of other things about sexual addiction and your experience: masturbation is often a huge piece. It certainly was for me. I never strayed PHYSICALLY until after I had been married over 13 years BUT recovery has helped me to see that my addiction predates my adultery. I never masturbated to avoid sex with my wife but I could never get enough and gave myself permission to 'supplement' what I saw as my SF needs by masturbating. While porn was not a part of my problem then, there was the 'porn in my mind': fantasy based on lust images that I had taken in during the day, replayed just to my liking to give me that feeling of being wanted. Sexual abuse is often a factor in the histories of those with sexual addictions. As you rightly observed, you will need a therapist's help to deal with that piece but it would definitely be worth it.

Katie, I am really pulling for you. God will use even the darkness to display the wonders of the light of His grace in your life. It's a hard road. Over 3 years from D-Day and I am facing some of my hardest days right now. But I made the turn and I keep to it and I can't even imagine where I'd be or how I'd feel if I was still running, still giving my life to a sickness that wanted nothing less than my soul. We are here for you.

Katie,

i wanted to say HI and welcome. you have been given some great advice here. i also applaud your courage to post here. i remember some of my first posts. i was EXACTLY where you are now.

i mostly just wanted you to know you are not alone and you can do this.

Katie,

You misunderstand several things. First, it does not take strength to end this. It takes determination. You need to decide to have a better life, a life you are proud of, and one that your family would be proud of. You need to determine in your mind that is your goal, and then you go after it one step at a time. One baby step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Somedays it will be hard to take that step, but most days you will.

You may not realize this but the lady that just posted to you FL, can guide you through this. She KNOWS much more than you about this, and yes, she is a very special lady <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Listen to her carefully and you will come to realize that strength to do this is not what you need. You are not strong enough to do it all at once. What it takes is determination.

Please keep posting and reading. Listen to FL, she can help you.

God Bless,

JL

This post is a response to Curly17. You wrote: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And can you believe even all this pain yesterday I did it again with OM by webcam? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can believe it. It's called the addictive cycle and it goes like this: PAIN of some sort (can be anxiety, resentment, loneliness, or even boredom)-->looking for relief-->addictive activity-->high followed by guilt and shame-->resolve to not repeat addictive activity-->deeper in pain-->looking for relief, etc... Check out this sketch Addictive Cycle

You don't have to abuse alcohol or drugs to get caught in this web. The internet also played a part in my sexual addiction and can be addictive itself...it's prime way that people pull away from the reality of their lives and families and get sucked into the isolation of a fantasy online world. I used to think fantasy always involved a lot of imagination, now I know that it can be ANYTHING I use as an escape.

I hear in your post your yearning to be free of this enslavement. I hear your self-loathing and fear and despair. And I can relate. I was there. Thought that maybe it would be best for everyone if I took my own life. That is the disease talking that way to us. It promises life and delivers destruction. We believe the lie and lie to ourselves and others. And when the light of truth comes, the light and truth that can set us free, it appears as a threat, as something worse than death. That too is the disease. I'm glad you're here Curly. It takes guts to pull yourself away from where your disease wants you to go to get here and learn about what you can do to get your life and maybe your marriage back. It won't be easy. And it will take a lot more than just coming here. But you've taken a good step and I believe GRACE brought you here, because there is a God of love who loves us even in our self-degradation and shamefulness. Let go of everything else (including your marriage and husband), put yourself in this God's hands, and HE will see you through.

I just read everyone's posts and I have to be honest and say I am having a hard morning... I told the OM that I didn't want to see him anymore but today is another day of course and I can't stop thinking about him and I want to call him so badly (this is the addiction, I know... the "pain" part of the cycle... thanks for the info, XScoundrel). How do you get over this horrible feeling? My mind goes in a hundred different places, all bad. I keep trying to think of my H and all the good things about our relationship and the reasons why I should never see the OM again but I keep feeling like I'm going to have a panic attack and if I don't talk to him or see him then I'll lose him forever (which rationally I know is a good thing! What's wrong with me??) Maybe I just need to get out for a while... what if he calls me? Do I answer the phone? I can't tell my H what's going on yet... I know this is selfish, but my parents bought us tickets to Florida for Christmas and we're leaving in two weeks... I want us to go and have a good time before things fall apart... so no Curl, I haven't told my H and I'm not sure when I'll be able to... I'm pretty spineless at this point. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Katie, you've been selfish long enough. Tell your husband NOW, and if he's willing to go to Fl. with you, use that time to show him your intentions. Nurture him in Fl.

If you don't tell him now, how long will you be waiting to tell him after returning from the trip? A day? Won't you feel it is too soon and that he will know you've been selfish by waiting until after the trip. A week? Same thing. A month? Same thing. A year? Think of how much worse it will be after the trip. Do it now.

If he won't go, you'll just have to deal with that. I know this sounds majorly harsh, but it's time for you to face up to your problem and deal with it.

How do you get over the feelings you're having right now? Remember what other posters have told you. You don't get over this. You go through this. There's a difference.
God bless,
PM

For panic attacks there can be medical assistance.

Go seek professional help for the physical withdrawl symptoms.

Tell your physician EVERYTHING. EVERYTHNG and ask for help with withdrawl symptoms.

Sometimes a person caught in an affair turns to a second substance to hide their pain ... like booze or pot or something else.

Ask for help. It is important for you to tell your story in the flesh to at least one person you can trust to tell you when you are full of crap. This should NOT be a friend who will "support" you and say what you've done is not so bad ... but a friend who will be spot-on honest with you. What person (female) do you know in your life who has a sharp bull**** detector, who can tell you when you are pulling the wool over your own eyes?

Today ... watch some very funny movie. Stay away from Country Western music and romantic movies, songs, books.

Pep