Hi,
I've posted under several names. WW knew one of them, so I changed so I could vent a bit.
I've been reading all these stories and advice and something hit me. I'm sure those who have gotten through the big A can relate, but I had my own personal epiphony and if it's okay I'd like to share it. I'm for the first time in a while genuinely happy and no one else but me is responsible.
This is really long. May not even be read or replied to by anyone. But you know what? Everyone here is so supportive and understanding I feel like I can write this stuff. It helps solidify things for me. Almost like I've made a pledge. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
No one else is responsible for my happiness. That's my sudden inspiration amongst this trying time. My W had an affair after we pledge our hearts to each other forever. It's hurtful, but should that destroy me? I need to stay focused on other things besides this tragedy. My wonderful kids, my other family, my friends need attention too. This experience shows that even if kids can't have an affair on you, they do have emotional needs that need to be seen to. Paying so much attention to my W has made me neglect their ENs to a certain extent. What makes me happy are my kids, my mom, my siblings, usually my job, my dog, my cats, my wife (when she's herself). I love this site too. It made me realize that the things I have done that contributed to my W having this A, etc, have not been the best qualities for a person to have. I don't need to change for her. I need to change for myself. So that my kids, my mom, my siblings, my dog, my cats, my coworkers, people on the street or in the store, see me as someone to like. Meeting ENs and avoiding LBs aren't something just to make marriage work. I think it can help me make life work. It's not just about my wife. I love her and I want her to see that I want to change. But for myself as much as her. If she stays in a fog or stays out of love or wants a divorce after I've made the changes to myself, that will be her loss. I want me to be the person that others would want to love and be married to.
So I'll do these things and be happy with the things I do have and strive to keep my other relationships healthy and happy. My wife will just be one of others that has her needs seen to, but not to the exclusion of all others. Because you know what? I can make her happy if she lets me, but I'm not responsible for her happiness. And along the way my needs will be met (and I don't mean through an affair) by reaching out to others.
So is that my taker talking or what? I don't think so. I think it's my giver realizing that there are more people in my life than just one. If I neglect their emotional needs while focusing solely on my wife's ENs then I haven't learned anything. Maybe I'll look up some friends I haven't talked to since I've been married. See how they're doing. Call my siblings. Play games and watch movies with my kids. Give them a kiss and hug at bedtime and tell them I love them. And when I hear it back from them I'll know it is true.
I'm a newbie. I can't begin to imagine the pain, heartache, and hard work that many of you have gone through. I also don't know the rules of saving a marriage. As I've read on here, a person's instincts after an affair are often wrong. But I know my instincts here can't be all wrong, because it makes me feel too good. My life does not revolve around this marriage and my wife. I have others that I love and I should make sure they know it. My mom's having a really hard time after the sudden loss of my dad a year ago. They had a great marriage. I'm sure he fulfilled her ENs. Maybe just hearing my voice more often on the telephone would help fulfill some of hers.
I don't know if this epiphany of mine exactly jives with the entire concept of marriage builders (I haven't read it all), but it does fit with my concept of who I want to be. If you read all this, clear down to this point, thank you to all those that previously responded to my pain. It's helped a bunch. And thank you those who are also struggling. Just putting your stories and problems out here are helpful. I hope I can be as a good an ear as all of you were for me. I hope this doesn't wear off by tommorrow.
