Well everything is out in the open now -- atleast I know I am not crazy anymore and he was truely remorseful and told me that he has been running in circles and it has been miserable. BUT there is still contact -- PA I don't think so but who knowes -- I don't trust all his words. He has agreed to MC and is going to fill out the EN questionare.

Am I just spinning my wheels? Or will these steps help? Just like he evaded all A type questions before -- he evades NC statements. He says they are just Plutonic (yea he's a smart one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

tdr -

Haven't talked to you in a while, my fellow Georgian.

First, let me say that using words like plutonic doesn't make him the smart one if he's doing stupid things, which he is.

I'm not nearly as qualified as many others here, but I can assure you just taking his word for NC won't cut it. Ask others about how he should make his life an open book to PROVE NC. I suspect he'll be slippery and dishonest.

Again, ask others here that have been there, I haven't.

Sounds like you're heading in the right direction. I've prayed for you, I know you've been through a lot.

Georgia (also)

Thanks Georgia

Yes I think I am headed in a better direction -- It all feels like a game though. At least the hurt is not there as much -- I think the deception hurt more than the actual act. If that makes sense. The trust will come when he does become an open book. I may plan B'ing with you soon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tdr:
<strong>
He says they are just Plutonic (yea he's a smart one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gives more creedence to the alien theory! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi TDR

My H insisted that "they" could be "friends" b/c that's where the line was drawn out of respect for their spouses. I insisted on NC b/c I am a woman and I know better about women. I told him as long as he left the door open - I would not feel like he wanted me and our marriage. It was like keeping her on the back burner just in case *WE* didn't work out. Well, he had NC for about a 1 1/2 months and then they resumed contact by the dreaded cellphone. Yup, I found that his message counter seemed awfully high - and I confronted him .... they had been text messaging each other and calling on the cellphones. I insisted on NC again ... he called her and explained that there would be NC (our circumstances could not allow anything in writing or a letter would've been written). I really didn't believe they would've stopped and I wasn't taking any more chances or playing any games. I called her on her cellphone and spelled it out to her .... oh did I mention she's married too. She called me back and I let her have it for like a 1/2 hour to 45 minutes (which I found extremely odd). She lied to me to cover her a$$ and hung my H out too ... her last words were "I'm sorry" and "I won't discuss this with ****". I said "You sure are sorry and if you are asking me to forgive you - You can forget it" and "As far as you, not discussing this with **** ... you won't becuase that's what NO Contact means!!!". I don't think there has been contact since.

You can read how my H behaved and what he said here on MBers in the very beginning his name is LINY and in his first couple of posts he was so disgustly arrogant and pompus. And everyone said NC. I believe ARK even questioned why he was on this site (b/c he really didn't see what NC would do to help save our M). Even leading up to the 2nd dday. He didn't see how NC would allow me a safe environment to have a recovery and rebuild my trust in him. He really thought he was so above it all and so did the OW - they said it was a "friendship" and that was that. It wasn't until my H saw all the pain this "friendship" caused me, our family and himself and all he had to lose over his "friend".

Your WH needs to wake up and decide what's most important .... his wife's security and his M or his "frienship".

Good move to do the EN questionairre - maybe you'll find some answers to what this OW offered him that you weren't or he wasn't allowing you to.

Hang in there and keep posting.

Brown

That thought crossed my mind too! At first I though he was joking --so I said ok so your plutonic but with out a doubt not platonic -- he said whats the difference. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

tdr -

A hardy "amen" to everything brown says. This "just friendship" stuff is a bunch of bull. I've heard it all too.

Don't believe a minute of it. It's an affair. Don't let H get away with calling it anything else. It's an AFFAIR. Holler it in his ear if you have too. It's not a friendship.

When you're ready for Plan B, you'll know it. Don't rush it, but I've found MOSTLY peace and solitude in Plan B. Sure beats getting your nose rubbed in it by the WS everyday.

Georgia

Edit - I HIGHLY recommend you go to the Plan B thread (by ark) a few below this one and read all the posts there. This will be a big help to you.

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 08:55 PM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

As my H said once ..... if not for this site would we have known what an EA was ..... Let's see 1)intimacy 2)secretiveness and 3)sexual chemistry.

If this was just a "friendship" why hide it with secret calls????? What did he say to her that you "couldn't" hear???? DUH!!!!!

TDR - Don't bite. He needs to know what was going on was wrong - he wouldn't have hide if it wasn't (I mean really, we learn that kind of stuff as little kids - as adults we have more creative ways of lying about things). Insist on NC!!!

Oh and for the record Omission of the facts is still lying.

I think that was the hardest thing for me too - the deception. I knew something wasn't "right" - I wouldn't have been looking for anything if I didn't. But to be lied to over and over again. That was just plain wrong

another amen from Georgia...

I thank you very much, the gentleman from Georgia. Been there - Done that!!!

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: brown ]</small>

You're welcome, brown..

Okay, one last example, then I'll let someone else have a turn here.

Tonight when I got home, WW didn't know I was in the garage and she opened the door to come out before she knew I was standing there. She saw me and turned and went back in the house, but she left the door open behind her.

When she passed her desk, I heard the little series of tones her cell phone makes when she turns down the ringer volume. Why would her first reflex to be, upon seeing me, to make sure her cell phone didn't audibly ring in my presence? AFFAIR, AFFAIR, AFFAIR, not friendship.

Don't let slippery WH try to manipulate you.

Georgia

TDR - what we are trying to tell you is that if it smells like a duck, it's probably foul.

We got our 2nd OW-free cellphone bill today. I have to admit I still am waiting for the itemized home phone bill and I will be making a surprise visit to work one of these nights - I'm trying to trust him, but I need reassurance and facts. Call me crazy, but I got fooled one too many times. He's really got to work for my trust now. (And he is willing to do it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

You shouldn't accept anything less from him once he de-foggs!!!!

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: brown ]</small>