Hey guys... It's been a while since I've been here. Not a lot has happened since the last time I was here.

The complete breakdowns have pretty much stopped. I still cry and feel lonely if i don't have someone around. I think yesterday and today were just one of those days.

I've been on good terms with my STBXH. I stopped by his parent's house on Christmas day to drop a gift off for my cat. I was exhausted when I got there after a full day of work. I ended up sitting with him and playing with my cat (who doesn't even recognize me anymore) for about half an hour.

We've talked a couple of times mainly about things that I still need from the house. When we talk he's been asking about my "romantic life", but I don't really get the feeling that he wants me back.

I've been doing pretty good on my own. Was voted "constant caring friend" of the month at the hotel which was suprising being that everyone else has been there longer than I have.

I talk with my stbx every couple of weeks. We don't talk about the DV. I've stopped bringing it up and he says he has so much on his plate right now that he hasn't really done anything with that.

Yesterday, I was remembering the way he used to make me feel. All I did was smile and giggle just hearing his voice or looking into his eyes. He used to be so sincere, emotional, and loving and he always expressed it. Nobody has ever made me feel the way he had. So I sent him an e-mail saying I missed him. As expected I recieved no response. So of course I'm feeling a bit depressed today. I also saw that he was at a tournament where the girl was also at all day today so that only made me feel worse. Then I hear that he's feeling sick and all I want to do is go take care of him. Isn't that odd?

Anyway, that's where I am right now. When I think of him loving someone and it isn't me, (he says he isn't dating anyone right now), I feel like I can't live anymore. Most times I don't feel like that, as long as I'm not thinking of him dating I'm fine. But I still look over at the gym parking lot every day going to and from work to see if his car is there. When I saw him at the mall on Christmas Eve I ran into a rack of clothes. He didn't see me.

He's grown a full beard which I don't particularly find attractive (I hate beards) yet I'm still drawn to him. So I don't know, I have my ups and downs. I still can't see how he cares so little about the good times we had to not give it a chance. Everyone tells me he's an idiot and that I can do much better. Yet someone asked me the other day that even though I've made so much progress without him what would I do if he wanted to give it a shot. I had to say that even though I now think that it wouldn't work out well (I've changed a lot since I was last with him), I would definitly give it a go. Of course I dream that that were the case. As of yet it isn't and it really doesn't look like it will ever happen. Oh well... We'll see.

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: ivoryivy ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ivoryivy:
<strong> Hey guys... It's been a while since I've been here. Not a lot has happened since the last time I was here.

The complete breakdowns have pretty much stopped. I still cry and feel lonely if i don't have someone around. I think yesterday and today were just one of those days.

Anyway, that's where I am right now. When I think of him loving someone and it isn't me, (he says he isn't dating anyone right now), I feel like I can't live anymore.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Ivory,

I am sooo sorry for the pain you are having. It is something that those who haven't experienced it just can't imagine. You are not alone. I wish I had some words of comfort for you. But do know that there are people who do care and who understand too well what you are going through. I will pray for comfort for you.

Suzanne

I just wish there was something more I could do. If I ever mention that I still have feelings for him he closes off. I don't see things going anywhere in either direction.

Just keep working on yourself. Who knows what will happen? Sometimes it takes them a long time to wake up. Sometimes when they do wake up, the BS doesn't want them anymore. But either way, your life will be wonderful.

You know, in so many ways my life is going wonderfully. Everything that was bad in my life before D-day has improved greatly. To those around me I'm confident and doing well despite all I've gone through over the year.

Although my life is in fact better, the truth is my confidence is only a mask I wear to get through the day. My self esteem is still wrecked. I would rather be used by someone just to feel wanted.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anyway, today I have to go get a ctscan on my abdomen to see if some pains I've been having are coming from my appendix. I'm sure it's nothing but I wish he was around.

Originally quoted by IvoryIvy:

My self esteem is still wrecked. I would rather be used by someone just to feel wanted.

*******************************************
Oh Ivy, no, you really don't sweetie, too much has happened, and you've changed too much, know too much to slide back into that one. {{{{{Ivory}}}}}

I am so glad you posted, you were on my mind first during the holidays and then just a few days ago and look, here you are! Not to repeat myself too much (lol) but you really do need to start giving yourself more credit. I am not at all surprised that you won the award at work. Crappy as things have been for you, you have gained a depth of character and an understanding of others and life. That is going to translate very naturally into YOU being someone others look up to.

The marriage and your H do NOT define you anymore, Ivy and there will be a time I promise that you will clearly understand that. One foot in front of the other, hold your head high and remember just what a special person you are. Your H didn't deserve a woman like you IMO. You've come a LONG way since you first arrived on this site, don't you ever forget that.

I was just trying to remember what your original screen name was. (don't tell me, it's best forgotten) I do remember it was something sort of defeatist but you are not that woman anymore. You of all people have overcome so many difficulties with grace and preserverance that I hope you understand that is is RARE, not all people can do this. Give yourself kudos!The cost of giving yourself away is high Ivy, you know that.

Would you consider continuing to post your thoughts as you go through the post divorce process? You've got a lot of friends here and there are great people on the Divorce board also. sounds like you could use a little support anyway. I'm so glad you posted. Best always, KB

thanks KB and everyone. i will continue to post about things going on, when things actually happen.

I just got back from getting the ctscan. the results should be back in a few days. I had to fast before going and I think that is making me a bit emotional. Plus now I think the stuff they gave me is giving me some stomach issues.

right now i have a hard time reading about the hard times everyone on here are having. at the dr.'s office every magazine I picked up had an article about infidelity and how they romanticized it made me ill.

I try to stay away from all of that. I have a hard time watching a lot of tv shows because it seems to always pop up. I have to either change the channel or leave the room.

Anyway, thank you for you advice as always. I was bumming out. I'm feeling better now. I have my kitten here to keep me company right now and even though she can be a pain many times, she's always interested in what I'm up to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Why am I feeling this way all over again?
I was doing so well. I'm just so dissatisfied with my home life. Like I've said before, I've fixed all of the issues that I was having when I was with my STBX. All of my issues stemed from being cramped in a 10x11 room and living with his parents. I'm happy with the changes I've made, but it really means little when you don't get to share it with the one you love.

I just wish someone would/could talk some sense into him. I don't really think anyone has. Of course he doesn't listen to me so I've stopped trying. I feel like all of his friends are encouraging him to be a bachlor again. Either that or they stay away from the subject. His parents, although he knows they were upset with him (at least his mom was), I don't think they ever tried to talk to him about what marriage really is. Actually, I think his dad thinks I was being unreasonable by not allowing him the room to flirt and cavort with other women.

After so many months my heart still hurts. When I'm alone I wish that I were ill, wondering if he would be by my side. I start thinking that he would be relieved if I died or something. Then he wouldn't have to worry about having to do the paperwork for the divorce and he could just go on in life without the stigma of being divorced.

Now I'm not saying that I'm suicidal. I could never do such a thing. I just don't know how much longer my strength will hold. Sometimes it all just hurts too much... The distance he tries to put up... After all this time it still seems so surreal.

The thought of the girl still as his student. Growing older each day. Seeing him 4 days a week still makes me sick.

<small>[ January 13, 2005, 08:59 AM: Message edited by: ivoryivy ]</small>

Well, most of the week has been okay for me. The only rough spot really was during my holiday party for work. Everything was going fine until I was leaving. As I walked out of the ballroom where the dance was being held they started playing our first dance song and I completly broke down. I had to run to the washroom where I was comforted by a coworker until I was presentable again. I know it had a lot to do with the wine I was drinking but I hadn't even considered that they would play that song.

I guess it was someone else's song as well and they played it for them but it just brought everything back.

I talked to my H the day before yesterday when after I sent him a text to ask him how to make a soup that he used to make me. He called me back and asked why I always send texts rather than just calling. (I send texts because I don't want to call him with the chance that there could be a female voice in the background.) I still don't think I could take hearing that because I know my mind would run wild with things that may or may not be true.

It was really nice hearing his voice. I really love his voice. We spent the first year of our relationship long distance so all I had of him was his voice. Anyway, I'm really tired today after having to fill in for a coworker yesterday. I've had about 4 hours of sleep in the past two days.

Things at work are going well I guess. Everything except that I'm being harrassed by a coworker. He comes up after I close the lounge for a cup of coffee which was fine with me but lately he's been becoming innapproriate. He's always trying to give me hugs and says things like "you have a nice body" and has admitted to having a crush on me, but the other day he came up when nobody was here but me and before he left he came up behind me and hugged me and kissed the back of my coat. It made me feel really uncomfortable. He's always trying to grab my hand and I don't really know what I'm going to do. I've talked to my coworkers about it but haven't told the managers yet. I don't want him to get in trouble because I do't think he means harm. Besides, this guy is like 80 years old and is nice other than what has gone on recently. I know I should just tell him something but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I know that's silly. Just about as silly as me not wanting to tell the girl's parents before. I know it needs to be done but I just don't want to have to deal with any more stress.

I was offered a job at another hotel that would pay me more and give me a promotion. I just don't know about leaving because other than a few things I really like working here and you never know what a new place will be like.

I told my H about the coworker harrassing me and he offered some advice, but he didn't seem like he was all that interested. He basically likes talking about him. Which is fine with me, but I was hoping he would care a little more. My hope for reconsiliation is just about all gone. I'm afraid of what will happen if I lose it all together. I know that if I end up finding out that he is with someone I wouldn't be able to take it anymore. I'm considering going into counseling again but it's never helped me all that much and I just wasn't myself when I was on the antidepressants. I hated both.

I'm just so tired. I need a vacation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ick <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> on the coworker and stress or no stress, you've got to tell him to back off. You have the RIGHT to have personal space (which he's violating) and a comfort level at work that includes not having to fend of comments about your body. Inappropriate is inappropriate no matter how old and "nice" he is. He's actually not being nice at all and I worry about you placating someone to the point where they take advantage of you.

Don't let it get to the point where you end up having to push the guy off of you. He's sensing a weakness and until you stand up for yourself he's going to keep trying his shenanigans. Watch your environment when you're alone (parking lot, the lounge ect), keep an eye out, keep your body language and demeanor businesslike when he is around. Being "cold" won't hurt you know. This dude needs to be headed off at the pass and NOW.

I know you wanted to talk about H, and it's crappy that he can't at least be there for you when you've got a problem but hey, what's new? It's endlessly dissapointing I know but time to focus on other things. Oh, what ever happened with the Cscan anyway? How are you feeling these days, healthwise? KB

they never called me back with the results and I've been feeling better so I never called to find out. Healthwise I'm doing alright just really tired and I have to go to the dentist today to see if I need my wisdom teeth pulled since they've been giving me problems for a while. I can't even smile or chew without it hurting so we'll see how that goes.