I copied this from my main thread, but wanted to seperate it out as its own discussion topic. Need some plan A tips that might help bring out passion in a FWW.

Feelings for the day. I write them here because it gets them out of my system. Today my mood is, oh, how do you say, ahhh whatever. I feel that WW and I can have a happy life together, but I don't know if it will be fulfilling. There is so much baggage now. I have read the recovery stories on here and how happy they are, I just wonder if it will be the same for us...if we get there.

That brings me to this. WW has said all along I was a good man (except for initial fog blasts) and treated her well and don't deserve this treatment and that I deserve better than her. She just keeps repeating that the sexual feelings are not there...and haven't been. That I am like her brother or a good roomate.

Big question? I feel like I am in a plan A rut. I fulfill all the provider needs. Taking care of her, making life easier, being a good father, but I need to make a splash in the affection and bedroom areas. WW is not receptive at all to any sort of advances. I fear that we may just be in/get into a rut of this that we cannot get out of. Any suggestions as to what I can do to make her find me more attractive and start to see me in a different way. A way in which she just can't wait to jump me rather than just settling for me.

Bear,

I'll take a stab at it.

See if you can find out more about ENs. I know that you said before that conversation was not really happening right now. I think first you must try to solve the conversation problem and then the rest will fall into place.

Sounds like she is still in withdrawl or conflict mode. Continue learning about ENs and Plan Aing. Romance her - flowers, dates, love notes, etc. I hope this helps.

bear,

i am in the same position. back off and give her some space. i told my wife that i would not initiate anything physical, but that obviously i was open to it if she wanted.she said she appreciated it. i told her we could take that at her pace. it is hard, and it sucks, but i think it is having the desired effect. one thing she told me is that whenever she tries to show affection, i expect too much, too soon.

slow down, see what happens.it seems backwards because she is the one that cheated, but she needs time.

JMHO, arjdad

Have you read this?

Restoring Intimacy

Bear04,

I don't know if anything I say will help, yet you have done alot for me.

Romance romance romance.

Rose pettle baths, scented candles, work her romance buttons and don't look for anything back.

Push the romantic side all you can. Or perhaps she is looking for a bad boy. Do what you can without expecting anything back. Build up her romance interest and go from there.

I'm with alank. Do things for her that SHE considers romantic. My wife and I have started having dinner together after the kids go to bed, for instance. Wear your heart on your sleeve as much as you can.

Bear, somethign to consider: perhaps your wife is reluctanct to give her heart to you because she fears that any romance or affection will be temporary. I know that my wife had fears early on that we would backslide into the marriage that we had prior to D-Day....and she clearly did not want that marriage.

I think this is going to take time. Your wife is going to need to trust you, as odd as that sounds. What I mean is this: she needs to feel safe that, if she gives you her heart, you will cherish it.

I would like to repeat that any attempts to do anything "romantic" are squashed. They are seen as insincere and that I am only doing them to "get her back". I have to coax her into going out for breakfast.

Maybe it is just too early yet. Today is 4 month anniversary of Dday #1. I know we are both feeling the urge for SF, we discussed this. Hint was I needed to go solo, she would.

I just want to ask. Is there something I can do to get out of this rut and she would see me again as a desirable man. Not right away, but to get out of that brother mindset. Our intimacy has been horrible for the last 2 yrs, and non-existant for 6 months. We had a blast 3 years ago when we were trying to get pregnant, once that happened, BAM, that was it.

Bear..it may be that it is too soon. If I recall correctly...your wife was bitter that she had to move back home from her parents. If that's true...you be dealing with some passive-aggressive behavior.

Did I interpret your comment correctly, by the way? Your wife told you she'd rahter "go it alone" than have SF with you?

Again I'll ask this: what were the things about you that made your wife fall in love with you in the first place?

Bear I did exactly the opposite.

I backed off all physical affection, other than friendly consoling hand holding when she was upset.

"ILY" became " I care for you", or " I am here for you". After all, what does "ILY" mean after an affair? sh eprobably told OM "ILY" and look what THAT led to.

But I was indulgent. Chocs, fizz, work around the house, " thinking of you " notes on flowers. Nothing sexual or romantic words though.

I did lots of stuff WITH Squid, home improvement, shopping, kids days out etc. lots of eye contact and smiles NO romantic words or sexual touch.

Then I concentrated on ME : lost some weight, always shaved, always dressed , no baggies.

Dressed to impress when I went out with friends, looked GOOD, smelled good.

A couple of months of THAT and Squid was ACHING to kiss me ( she says).

It overcame her when we were in a pub with friends near our holiday home. We had been laughing and talking with our friends and we both used the bathroom. We bumped into each other on the way out and she embraced me and kissed me like her life depended on it.

SF made a SERIOUS comeback several times later that night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Squid tells me she felt romance for me return before that night but didn't act in case she was confused in her thinking.

It took a while for "ILY" to come easy to her but by five months she ws more loving, romantic and affectionate than for YEARS in our marriage.

I still keep up all those behavioyrs BYW, except now theres lots of "ILY" and flirting from me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

All blessings bear.

So, no guarantees with the Bob method, Bear, but THATS what worked for us.

So basically, take it slow.

I think that's right, Bear. You need to take it slowly..and to be the best you you can be in the meantime.

This is what worked for me. After discovering the affair I was very romantic to my wife and did a lot to fill her emotional needs. I was going nowhere and she treated me like a brother with no desire for sex.

I then discovered she was in contact with OM and became furious. I went to see a lawyer and served her with a detailed plan of separation and even went out to look for an apartment for her. I stopped all romance and told her I had enough. Then she suddenly came around! Shoot me; I should have done that as soon as I discovered the affair.

Ok, it's just that I don't feel like I am doing anything different. I am not doing anything to seperate myself from the man I was prior to Dday. Well, maybe I am. This A, although I didn't know about it, I knew about it. Did you ever get that feeling that you knew something was wrong? You knew because you were at each others throats, resentment because she wouldn't spend any time with me. Resentment because I didn't know why there was this wall between us.

That's all gone now. But there is huge baggage to take its place. But at least I know it's there. So i guess I am different than I was, but not much different than I have ever been.

So, I guess I can only be the best me. If that isn't good enough for her, whatever, it will be good enough for someone else.

Love it when I answer my own questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bear04:
<strong> So basically, take it slow. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No Bear. take it SMART, slow or fast is down to your sitch.

If you're still the man she chose to betray, you will be reinforcing her BS justifications for the affair.

Work on being th husband she never knew she had - a positive cartoon of the man you are anyway.

I haven't backed off a single change I made in Plan A, they're all just natural behaviour to me now. That consistent, quiet, confident improvement whispers volumes to FWS.

Bear,
You probably don't know me...but I think you can safely figure out which route to take by your wife's behavior to you. She doesn't necessarily have to have affection for you, but, does she show even the tiniest bit of remorse over her affair? If she has shown it to you, then you need to proceed under the rule of love. Just love her softly, slowly, and how she wants to be loved, not how you want to be loved. I know you don't feel like you know how she wants to be loved right now, but, if you work it hard enough, you'll find the answer.

If she has shown no remorse whatsoever, then a more firm approach may be needed. I think just demonstrating to her that you are moving forwards may be enough to scare her a bit. That is really what alot of plan b and divorice filings are about, scaring reality into the ws.

Good luck man, hang in there.