my ww keeps talking about starting over from scratch "with a good friendship foundation"
i myself dont think this is possible. i just cant see that if current marriage isnt worth working on why the heck would i expect to get anything different out of starting over. and i personally dont want to get all chummy with someone that put me through all the pain of a full out divorce. i made a promise to myself that i was only gonna marry once.

my question is, is it possible to be best friend like with an x-w.
i just dont see it, maybe im just closed minded.

dalson, it's possible but unlikely...and like you said, why would you want to?

I always thought I'd be able to stay friends with my husband, but I no longer think that. How can I be friends with someone who treats a loved one the way that he has? As long as I see him not trying to work through the problem, then I dont' feel like I can be friends with him.

he also suggested we divorce and then start dating each other. Um...no...why would I date someone who views commitment the way that he does?

This is for the now..it could be that he changes and DOES start working on these things. In that case, I may be able to be friends with him if we can't work through our problems. But unless he does *something*, I dno't think I can.

Dalson,

my WW has said the same thing. She wants us to start dating each other again. She says I am her best friend, well friends don't treat friends this way.

If we are to D, I don't think I would have a best friend in my WW. I don't think friendship would be on my mind with her at all.

She just can't see it though.

It can be possible. One of my daughter's classmates is divorced. I've known the family for 6 years through sports, scouting and school. They were divorced for over a year before many people including myself clued into it.

The mom says that it's something that she decided to do and that for her 9/11 was the catalyst. I also suspect that her H was a bit wayward. She may have decided enough was enough. She is a very deliberate person and done counseling training. With 3 kids, it's not a decision she would have made lightly.

It is one of the most rational divorces I have ever seen. They agreed that if they were going to divorce, they would try to make it so the kids were the center and they would do what was best for them. They actually get along better now than when they were married. The mom has worked hard to establish firm boundaries. The dad found housing in the same area so the kids can take the bus to school from either house. The parents have a rule that they attend school and kid functions together. No OP are allowed. They've seen plenty of the Bimbo of the Month at kids' activities and don't want that happening with their kids. They've coached a softball team together. They have a custody schedule that lets them see their kids almost every day. They've arranged it so each parent has either Friday or Saturday night to themselves. This way they can have an adult social life without involving kids.

I'm sure it took a lot of time, consensus building and mediation to reach this point. And, their kids are doing great. This family is my role model for if worst comes to worst.

Yeah, I don't really think I could be friends with my WH if we were to divorce. I really don't see me not harboring major resentments....of course, he will be 80 when he is finally able to divorce me, so who knows (LMAO...yeah I'm not giving him his way).

Most people don't think it's healthy/rational to think this way, but I don't believe in divorce and I will not go down with out one hell of a fight.

I actually don't feel it will get as far as divorce, I think that the MB plan will work, it seems to be wearing him down as we speak.

Here's hoping <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

I can only speak for myself.

During my 5 years of hell with my XW prior to our divorce I never understood her desire to have an "amicable divorce". To me it's an oxymoron. She knew it was not something I did not want. She thought that we would be "happier" apart. Even after our divorce my XW grew angry when she found out I was dating. Immediately she began dating the person she had an EA with at work that never really ended. She knew how bad that would hurt me. At that point I withdrew from her life. I live in a small town. It stinks cause people need to share your business with others. As such I drew a 20 mile circle around my town. I lived my life outside of that circle.
I live 2 miles from her and the boys. I picked them up every day for the babysitter. I never told her No. I was nothing but nice to her. The only thing I was not "an adult about" was her reltionship. When all her anger was gone and she found she wasn't happy she tried to talk to me but I was not real receptive or perceptive....to her overtures...it took a long time...but we knew each other...20 years is a long time...no matter how bad she hurt me....so now it's recovery....something I never thought could happen....and I mean NEVER...

now time for a vent
im having a bad moment right now, i dont know how much more of this crap i can take. im going f-ing crazy. i just cant understand how she can have these ridiculous thoughts and be willing to throw everything away. it kills me, im sick of this i wish i could just let go and forget her.

Dalson...I struggle with these same thoughts. My WH has been my best friend, lover for nearly 5 years and I feel helpless knowing that he has f*cked up our relationship, our marriage. Previous relationships have always ended very calmly and consequently, I have remained friends with guys I have dated in the past. I guess the difference is that I never loved them and they never cheated on me or lied to me SO, I am struggling with this cuz does a real friend cheat and lie...NO!!! I hate to give up on the great person my WH once was and know that he has it in him to bring that persona back into life that I love so much. I really think it is on his end to step up to the plate...I have been the bigger person throughout this mess and he has to prove to me again that he is worthy of a friendship in the future. Until then, this will hurt but fortunately I have a huge community of friends to rely on and keep a smile on my face. Anyways, I can totally relate where you are coming from...I think we all do. How can our WS's just erase so many years of positive memories, friendship, love? I guess I'll never understand so if someone has that answer I am all ears!

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 31 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years
His Affair with a co-worker: Started Fall 03, continues...
D-Day: May 22, 2004; he immediately left. Plan A thru Oct, Plan B thru Dec, served a few days prior to Christmas, divorce to be finalized on our 4 year anniversary.

Ditto for most of the comments the other posters have made.

Someone once told me "The cheaters always want to remain "friends" " - Part of the guilt thing I guess.

My personal feeling on this is that I could divorce and still remain friends if the divorce had been mutually agreed upon and there wasn't all this deceit, lies and cheating. I'll never get to test that theory though, since there was deceit, lies and cheating so friendship is no possibility for me... WW thinks that we're going to be chums though (fog, fog, fog), she is very much mistaken...

Miker

I am in the same situation. My STBXH wants me to be his best friend and have a family relationship. I guess it's because his GF lives in the US and he can't get a regular fix. He needs someone to fill his needs cause he can't fill his own void without admiration from somewhere. Besides she can begin to know him as I do after 20 years together.

I think that if there had been no A that I could accept some level of friendship, but my friends don't treat me that way!

I am feeling torn at times, would it be better for the kids"?

Friendship only counts for so much.

At some point the WS must stand up and take responsability for what they have done.

The let's remain friends thing is pure guilt.

If we can agree to that with them, they get off scott free, no responsability, no guilt. Ir was ok with my H, we are great friends now.

It's crap, friends don't do this to friends.

Hi dalson,

This topic has come up before and my answer to remaining "friends" with my WH was an absolute NO.

If my WH can treat me this way now and throw away everything for some homewrecker,there is no way I am going to be receptive or otherwise about ANY contact again.He knows this and he's resisted it for a long time but now realizes it is best,for me,but also probably for him.We will parent separately but I want nothing more to do with him.

He threw our marriage,family and 20 year friendship away like trash without a second thought(thought about it first then went ahead anyway) and didn't even have the courage or decency to try to give our marriage a chance for us but also for our daughters.It's all about him and his selfish needs and most likely will always be.So why would I ever want someone like that in my life? My WH has changed and he is not someone I would even consider dating as is.I can and will do better.

O

dalson....
My WH wants us to "be friends" also. NOT!!! I am not interested in being his friend. I have plenty of friends who don't treat me the way he did. I don't need his friendship.

Ya know...I just remembered somthing.....my WH told me that once we are divorced we could still have sex....he said one of his friends told him ex-sex is better than when you're married.....WTF??????? I wouldn never sleep with this man again. GROSS!!!!!! Has anybody else heard that one?

dalson....
My WH wants us to "be friends" also. NOT!!! I am not interested in being his friend. I have plenty of friends who don't treat me the way he did. I don't need his friendship.

Ya know...I just remembered somthing.....my WH told me that once we are divorced we could still have sex....he said one of his friends told him ex-sex is better than when you're married.....WTF??????? I wouldn never sleep with this man again. GROSS!!!!!! Has anybody else heard that one?

Yes tree, Squid's karate instructor ( who has had two mistresses with children as well as his wife for fifteen years and all women knew about each other) was divorced by his wife last year. He still goes araoung three times per week for nookie.

His W tells Squid " its fantastic sex, I'll never get the same anywhere else".

Those three women much have such low self-esteem it suntrue to tolerate that.

Tree....
When my WH and I went out to dinner a few months back...when I asked something about our R (I can't even remember exactly what) he said he thinks we would be best as 'friends with benifits'
....
Danielle

Yep I heard the whole "we can still be friends...you can call me whenever you need someone to talk to"
BUT never never never admitting to an affair.
Like someone mentioned, I think it is the guilt that makes them say stuff like that.
If they are 'pulled' out of a marriage, I think they say stuff like that.....re-write history, the blame game..."its you..here is what you did" then later "actually its me, I've changed", etc, etc.

If it were the opposite..that they were pushed out...which I think takes time to reach a boiling point where one of them calls it quits. I mean the kind were fighting was involved throughout the marriage, screaming, physical abuse, extreme hatred for each other. I dont think they would want to be friends. I may be wrong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Honey, I want to remain friends." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"But we WERE friends! I wanted to remain friends, too! But you chose not to be friends! You chose OP instead! Remember?"

alternative:

"Yes. We tried being friends. Remember? This is how it ended."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "actually its me, I've changed", etc, etc. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Yes. That's right. You did. That's why we're not friends anymore."

Harleys say (can't recall quite) that less than 16 percent stay friends after D. No brainer, really.