Hey all!

I need some perspective on this:

Yesterday, my wife emailed me a poem she had written. Basically, it was about the fact that she feels like I view her with "contempt."

I told her that's not true. I mean..I'm sad about what happened and aboutmy role in creating a marriage that was unhealthy. But...I love her. I tell her all the time that she is an angel in my eyes...and I think I treat her in a positive, respectful way.

The poem was followed up last night by her commenting that she feels as if she has a "stain" that she would like to - but can't - get rid of.

I'm not sure what to make of all of this, except that she seems to be dealing with a lot of guilt. Can/should I help her get past it..or is that something that she is going to have to work out on her own?

One other thing...I've been thanking her each day for maintaining her no contact agreement. It seems pretty clear to me, three months after D-Day, that she isn't interested in re-establishing contact with the OM. I tell her that I am truly grateful that she is abiding by NC, andthat it is important to me. She says that it's important to her, also, and that she has no plans to ever contact him again.

So, I guess the question is this: am I just keeping the A alive by thanking her each day for abiding by NC? Ultimately, I guess that what I really want her to understand is that I know she has a choice - and that I am grateful that she has chosen our marriage.

Any thoughts?

Hi AndrewA ,

My suggestion would be to ask your w why she feels you view her with contempt, what that means to her.

How do you view her now after the A ?

The truth is that MOST (not all) WS want the BS to forget the whole A ever happened, to pretend that things are not changed, While it would be nice in someways if that could happen it just is not possible.

I don't know your story, haven't been around much in a long time, have you and W discussed what it will take for BOTH of you to feel safe in the marriage ? 3 months after d-day isn't very long it will take time for there to be real healing, you both need to understand this. Heck at 3 months I was still deciding if I really wanted to stay with my Bozo.

I think you both need to read what Dr. Harley says about affairs and the time it takes to heal as well as the steps both parties need to take. It seems like a good start that she has stopped contact with OM, now what is the next step you both need ?

WWs may be guilty of DJs. If you look at them a certain way they assume you are judging them even if you are not.

Andrew, as an FWW three months past NC, I don't think I would want to hear my H thank me every day for maintaining NC. I might get flamed for saying this, but a daily mention of the affair/FOM/NC, no matter how positive the comment is, might serve as a daily reminder ("stain" if you will) of the A, and it might reignite the guilt I am already beating myself up with.

Sure we'd like you to never mention the A again, and forget it ever happened. We'd like to forget it ourselves. Believe me, if I could somehow wipe out memory of the last seven months of my life, I'd consider it! But I've also learned a lot from it, too, so there's the silver lining.

But consider the possibility that your daily "thanks for maintaining NC" statements might be the stain she's trying to get rid of. If you are convinced she doesn't want to talk to him again, then maybe you don't need to bring it up every day anymore. You love her; I'm sure you have a lot of other nice things you can say to make her feel valued.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AndrewA:
<strong>I'm not sure what to make of all of this, except that she seems to be dealing with a lot of guilt. Can/should I help her get past it..or is that something that she is going to have to work out on her own?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has to work it out on her own to accept it but you could help to speed up the process. She went through a big W. Withdrawal. This is the best time to give her HNHN. Let her know that the feeling for OM is there b/c of ENs and it will go away. Make sure that both of you start following 4 rules of recovery. Get MC.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>So, I guess the question is this: am I just keeping the A alive by thanking her each day for abiding by NC?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HUH, A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . A is ended by NC . Is this how you really feel ?. Stop patronizing her and start finding out her ENs that left vacant by OM and start fillin it !. Instead of thanking her the NC ... look where she fills your ENs and start thanking her there.

-rh-