Please try to explain to me why the WS can not make up their mind!!! My WH says he has no NC with the OW, and I want to believe him. He says he is trying to decide if he has enough love left to want to come back.

Is it because he is an Accountant? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Does everything have to be so frickin logical.
I can only imagine he has a list of Pro's and Con's. Hell maybe he rolls the dice everyday to decide if he likes me that day or not. Doesn't wear the wedding ring because he doesn't "feel" married. Well if you don't then why the hell don't you file for Divorce.

For the male WS is it all about saving face and not wanting to be the one to end the marriage? I just can not understand my WH whose actions say nothing but I don't want to be with you and yet he will not say "I want a divorce". I can not always be the one stroking his ego and getting nothing in return. I think he will make me wait an eternity.

Imagine going to the ice cream parlor bet you alwaways have a mixture because its all available.

Guess what OW is available and so is BS.

WH just wants it all.

Paln A to show him what he will miss if he goes with OW because it will drive hin nuts remembering. When/if you need Plan B to be started.

I am new to this just about getting the hang of it on some days.

What are your circumstances kids etc

My WH is planted firmly on a stake in the middle of the fence and holding on for dear life.

Dyinghere....did the Plan A for as long as I could. We have been separated for 3 months (his choice). I started a somewhat modified plan B a few weeks ago. He still calls to talk to the DD's (12, 10). Usually doesn't speak to me. Sometimes he drops by the house while I am at work to pick up his mail.

He just wants me to wait it out while he decides what he wants. I just have a hard time believing that a grown man is so out of touch with his feelings. I have mentioned before I think it is a psychological deficiency on his part. Personally I think he missed out on something in his childhood. His Mom was always one to say "It's OK Honey". Even as an adult when I was worried about his health she would poopoo me and say "He's fine". I wonder if he was ever allowed to think for himself or express himself. Outside of me, none of his previous relationships lasted longer than a few months. Now 5 years after his Mom's passing and just post the 40 bench mark he has a epithany that he is not happy with his life.

I am so tired of all the psychological BS, I don't know what to believe. I read all the posts and feel like crying. What are we doing to ourselves!!

What are we doing to ourself's, good question and one I don't have an answer for. My WW is a fence sitter, want's me to wait while she decides what she wants.

She finaly left the house, but she reads the same handbook all WS use. Psychological BS is on page three of the handbook and they are good at it.

They will say and do anything to justify thier actions, it is all babble, deep fog babble and trying to make sense of it is near to impossible.

Dont try to understand, stay by the plan you have in place and work on you and what makes you happy.

Put a file folder in you're head to store the crap you hear, and open it up when you want a laugh....Some of the stuff you hear will become very funny over time, or so I am told.

Homer,
The best explanation I've seen/heard for why the WS cannot seem to "decide" what they want is that they are in a fog. Until the fog lifts it's impossible to reason with the WS. I've been trying for 2 years. I too wondered why WS didn't leave already since he was so unhappy with me. The big reason? MONEY. The other reason? DD and DS. Wish I knew the answer, but if I did I wouldn't be here. I'd be happily married.

What a waste.

***Please try to explain to me why the WS can not make up their mind!!!***

Because they have ALREADY made up their mind. They have decided that they want both their BS *and* their OP. That's why they act the way they do -- because they are trying to manipulate you both into somehow going along with this.

***My WH says he has no NC with the OW, and I want to believe him.***

Of course you do -- but you do so at your peril. He will tell you anything at this point if it lets him keep stringing you along. Don't believe this unless you have absolute, undeniable, stone-cold proof -- and even then, be careful.

***He says he is trying to decide if he has enough love left to want to come back.***

Translation: He wants to have free access to his girlfriend without any interference, but he wants you to hang around in the background in case it doesn't work out. Then he can go back to you as his back-up plan.

It stinks -- but there it is. The only question is how much of it can you take.
Mulan

Mulan, I have to agree with what you said. How much will the BS take before filing for D or giving up. I know I am close. I filed for D because I didn't see my WW giving up her OM and I didn't want to drag this on any longer than I had to. I still was interested in saving my M but WW hasn't changed her habits one iota. I am getting closer and closer to the point where if she were to come to me and tell me she was wrong, she is sorry, she is done with her OM it won't matter to me. I am coming closer to seeing I am going to be okay without her as my W. I am starting to see how my life will be without her in it and it isn't going to be so bad. I will still hurt, because I do love her, but a guy can only take so much before he has to throw in the towel and call it a marriage. I mean if she loved me would she really treat me this way? Is this the way you treat someone you love, cause them immense pain and anguish?

As the old saying goes, "with friends like that, who needs enemies." I don't need that kind of love in my life.

MIF?

Hi Homer,
This caught my eye:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now 5 years after his Mom's passing and just post the 40 bench mark he has a epithany that he is not happy with his life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WW's father was killed in a car accident about 6 years ago, and she turned 40 two years ago.

WW's brother, as it turns out, noticed that WW "seemed to be unhappy since Dad died." I wish I noticed whatever he (WW's brother) did, but... I didn't. I'll never figure that out.

MLC and depression can be triggered by the death of a parent. In a lot of cases, the person is predisposed to depression, but it's often a major life event that triggers it.

It's a huge subject, in and of itself.

I've always wondered why there isn't more reference to MLC, depression, other mental illnesses (or character disorders) here on MB.

I'm just throwing out some food for thought, that's all.

Hang in there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have to agree too. Its all the same...fence sitters...I have heard them called 'cake-eaters'. They want their cake & eat it too. My WW did the same thing. She wanted the separation. This 17th will be a year when all this garabage started.....the bomb was dropped..."Im not happy" speech. The next day, MLK day, she goes & visits a guy 'friend' at his parents house. She eats with them & rides four-wheelers. She sure found a way to get happy all of a sudden. She just left me to figure it out the best way I could. Two months later....she still rode the fence. She was still visiting the other guy at his parents house....eating with them like they were her new family. During this time she never made a move. Telling me she liked being by herself & that we won't be together. (I was hard headed then...I talked about the R all the time with her) After 2 weeks of no contact, she emails me wanting to know how our taxes were coming along. I blew up. I filed on her the day before tax day....I filed our taxes separately & I let her know she owed money..LOL What a selfish person she was....wanting a separation, but but but lets file our taxes together & share the refund. No way!! That got to me. Thats when I couldnt take it any more. You can only take so much of their BS before it is enough. Later through our conselor we were both seeing during the separation....she tells me in a letter that I beat her by one day on filing. Yeah right. I will hate her for the rest of my days. Maybe she will catch on fire one day.

I pushed my WH off the fence!!! LOL! He no longer has th choice to come back.....not that he acts like he wants to but I took control regardless.

Good luck!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is it because he is an Accountant?
Does everything have to be so frickin logical.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey...I'm an accountant <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

No offense taken.

I knew Mulan would jump on this post..she is a real advocate against the habitual fence sitter.

Sadly... I agree with her.. the WS...will continue to fence sit. It's not a choice. The WS has the best of both worlds...would YOU make a choice ?

Nothing to lose on the fence.

The decisions..although unfair..all lie with the BS.

Just ask yourself this simple question...is this REALLY the marriage you want ?

p.s. added for Mulan... not sad because I have to agree with YOU...just sad that I HAVE to agree...I know you get what I mean... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My husband thought he had his mind made up, came home, then freaked out on the way here and left not knowing which way is up. Unfortunately I don't know which way is up now either, he didn't talk to me for months, then out of the blue called and wanted to come home then four days later left again. He says that the ow and he are just friends and I should trust him. I am a woman, it isn't him I don't trust.

Yep, sick to death of "I can't choose"

I was suposed to do separation and Plan B, but decided that for my sanity at this point to bulldoze the fence down and proceeding with D, WS finally out of the house, and OW knows that while WS was still living in our home and telling her that he was sleeping on the sofa, he was really in our bed and functioning as my husband in all important ways - he was telling me it was once again "off" with her. Well, she kicked him to the curb at 4pm, hubby left work at 5 to take off after her, and hasn't ever come home again. LOL

Anyway, he's gone, I can now move forward without stepping in all of his droppings.

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 07:50 PM: Message edited by: 1confusedBS ]</small>

Homer, how are you today... so far, anyway?

I'm here. Having an OK day. Like you I have had little slepp for the last week. I wake up and all I think about is my WH and how I can fix him, and why the hell is he the way he is. And then reality sinks in...do want this? do I want to spend the rest of my days with him?

After our conversation last night, I still know nothing. I asked him "Do you want me to love you?" He stammered and said "See your fishin again" I said Damn yes I am fishin, because I am in limbo and I need to know what the hell is going on!!! I told him I was ready to move on, he just needed to tell me to. Guess I am looking for permission, because if there is any hope left I will stay...but damn it he won't even say that.
I asked him to hold my hand during my daughters recital. He said "do you want me to?" I told him yea, and that I never wanted him to think that I didn't want his affection. I asked him "Do you want to hold my hand" He said "sometimes!" same answer I got when I asked him about the wedding ring and whether he wanted to be married. I told him to stop using the vagueries and tell me what the hell he was thinking at that time.. If the answer is "no" I don't want to hold your hand then say it!!! I told him that all I wanted was for him to take the initiative to show me affection. I told him I asked him to hold my hand because I didn't want to make him do something he felt uncomfortable about.

After all of this he hugged me and said "I'm sorry this makes you feel this way". God I want out, but at what cost and at what cost do I stay.

WELL


Where do i begin.


LIES LIES LIES LIES


Thats about it.

My fence sitter in order to feel better for himself going to see OW tonight he sits me down and tells me he has something to say and he does not want me to say anything.

WELL Every day he is in a tizzy and he can see i am in a tizzy too and it is not good for anyone health so because he does not want to leave me he is going to sort himself out( heard that before)

Anyway he has an idea of how to do it but he has to do it in his own madness of a way. I ask him can i help with his madness he says yes all i have to do is say NOTHING and DO NOTHING!!!!!!

I say i have an idea he say he is fed up of people giving him advise (WHO) anyway i continue he should write a letter and then go away somewhere for sometime, i get no reply, this would be the kindest thing to do, no reply.

He makes his escape shortly after.

Good isent it lies lies lies do not believe a word they say.

<small>[ January 13, 2005, 04:57 PM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>