I am a FWW - I had a ONS when my H and I were engaged. I recently divulged this info to him. We are in MC.
He told me he wants me to take a lie detector test since this is the only thing that will make him feel safe. Am I wrong to feel like this is strange???

I don't really think it is so strange, but this is coming from someone who was betrayed.

The lies and deceit were the worst part of it all.


Perhaps your husband feels like he can "get over it" if he feels you are being 100% honest and this is the only way he feels he'll know for sure if you're honest.

I would tell him your reservations, but I would also consider his request.

K,

It isn't strange at all. A lot of BSs request it.

You've lied, they don't trust you..they want to know how deep the hole is.

It isn't a bad idea..rather than resisting the idea..to instead embrace and demonstrate just how willing you are to be open and accountable.

It may be your reaction he is looking at, reluctance looks guilty right now.

I would be willing to do it.

Why does it seem odd to you?

Noodle

kampm,

Welcome to MB. Lots of smart people here to help you out.

As for strange, it may seem like it is however the feelings you're H has right now about the sitch with you are going to be strange as well.

He will look for everything he can to be able to start restoring trust in this R.

Be patient with him, help him any way you can. He needs all of you're support right now.

P.S I am sure someone will come in with better advice as I did not really say much.

Best of luck, my prayers are with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

just want to add something you may not have considered.

for *you*, this happened over fives years ago. For your husband, IT JUST HAPPENED. As far as he's concerned, he's probably feeling like your whole marriage has been a lie. It may be hard for him to believe that you've been faithful since that one time, when you've been lying all this time.

I guess I feel like it is weird becuase I feel lik eone of his suspects (he works for police dept). I suggested that why don't we talk with the MC to come up with alternatives.
I know thta he is looking at my reaction - I told him I would do it if he really wanted me to but I still feel strange about it.

I understand..but what *precisely* makes you feel "strange" do you think?

Noodle

kampm, well honestly, you did something that deserves that kind of suspicion.

I would ask him to negotiate with you. Tell him what you said here, you are willing to, but it makes you feel uncomfortable. Explain to him why. Tell him you feel like a "suspect" and while you may deserve that, it feels very impersonal to you. Explain that you've been honest since that one time so it's hard to accept that he's lost trust in you. You understand it, but you feel sad because of it. Smile..of course only say these things if they're true.

Have you come up with your own alternative suggestions? Perhaps offering to call him 2-3 times throughout the day to let him know what's going on? Always be available to him by cell? Give him an basic intinnerary of what you're doing and then explain if you have to deviate? Offer passwords to any email you use?

Just some suggestions that might help him to feel that he can trust you, without him having to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps if you offer and negotiate these suggestions, he won't feel the need to "prove" it.

I think I feel strange because I have never heard of anyone doing this except in movies...or for a criminal.

I think I feel strange because I have never heard of anyone doing this except in movies...or for a criminal.
And bc I do not want a machine determining the outcome of my R with my H. There are too many variables for a lie detector test - there are ways people can fail even if they aren't lying.

Share these concerns with your husband, kampm, it's really all you can do. See if you can negotiate this.

I would also ask him what he plans to do with the information if you pass or fail, if he's taken into consideration that there's a reason they're not used in court.

I know they have people who teach you how to beat lie-detectors so it's definitely not fool-proof.

IMHO, if you feel that this will help gain your husbands trust then you should do it. I, personally, don't buy into the whole lie detectors lie theory. They have evolved into a pretty reliable tool when utilized by those trained to use them properly.

Has he hinted to what specific questions he wants answers to?

I guess if it were me, I would do just about anything to build up the trust that I had torn down, but I would also request that husband not be present during the testing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kampm:
There are too many variables for a lie detector test - there are ways people can fail even if they aren't lying. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And opposite - my X looked (still looks!!) so convinced in his own lies that I'd never pay for lie detector - he'd trick it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kam,
My wife has lied so often that I think that may be my only option if I ever want to know what is truth and what is partial truth.

Mac

PS I know it sounds hard core but the FWSs are the ones who create the environment that maikes it necessary

Kam,

Maybe you might feel strange about it because it might seem like his motive for wanting this is in some way to punish you, by treating you like a criminal. Perhaps what you want is to work together to build trust and a totally honest relationship, not be the one who is now going to be punished forever.

What about discussing in your MC about you both taking a lie detector test? You could each think of some questions to be asked. I agree its a good idea to first discuss with your H what his responses would be if it comes out negative or positive, and how much faith he has in the machine.

Sorry quick threadjack - hi cwmac, I hope you're going ok today. I hope you find a plan to feel safe in your M again - maybe this is it for you too?

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 04:35 PM: Message edited by: smur ]</small>