Its really common to see on this site that relationships are saved by loving actions, and that loving feelings can return to a couple after they have acted lovingly (filled ENs, plus followed the other 'Harley rules') towards each other for a considerable length of time.

My question is: what about situations where loving feelings may be drowned out because someone is still feeling, but not expressing, other feelings, like anger, hurt, resentment, pain?
Is it necessary to express this, or are time and loving actions on their own enough?

I am trying to understand my H, (the BH) better. We are 7 months past Dday of my ONS and he has expressed resentment, sadness, and pain in the past. I thought we were progressing, since we have talked a lot in the past few months. He acts lovingly towards me, yet he tells me he does not 'feel' love and therefore cannot say ILY. I think he thinks that simply time alone will bring this feeling back. I am not sure whether thats true or not. Any ideas would be welcome, thanks.

Hi, smur,

“I thought we were progressing, since we have talked a lot in the past few months. He acts lovingly towards me, yet he tells me he does not 'feel' love and therefore cannot say ILY. “

You’re still together – that IS progressing! Seven months might seem like an eternity, but it’s a drop in the bucket in “time it takes to recover” estimates. I’ve read it can take 2 ½ to 5 years, and for some people even longer. Some people discover they can’t wait that long and give up, which is always an option for either side. Try not to despair yet, and also try not to rush your H or yourself.

Both people need time to learn to express and feel love for each other again. If your H is acting lovingly toward you, be glad for that. If he asks for more time to be able to say ILY, give him more time. Appreciate any acts of love he shows to you, and do the same (and more) for him.

It’s a long and rocky road we’re on here. It’s been 2 ½ years past d-day for me and my H, and we still have scary spells of doubt, although we have both been working very hard on reconnecting and showing love for each other.

I know it’s hard to wait for things to feel better. Enjoy the good moments together to the max, and give each other space when needed. Take life one day at a time. If you want to save your M, then it’s worth it to keep doing all you can to show your love to your H, and believe that time really will help bring those loving feelings back for him.

The "anger, hurt, resentment, pain" also take time to process. You write that those things are not expressed. People deal with those emotions differently. The way I understand it, men are likely to deal with them differently than women. Is he willing to go to IC? Are you in MC?

My H wouldn't go to IC (although we did MC), and I worried about him needing an outlet to express his anger and sadness. He insisted that he would deal with it himself, in his own way. He seems to be a lot better now. Time has helped with the anger, but the sadness lingers. The main thing is not to give up. Hang in there.

God bless,

Rose

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Hi Rose,

thanks very much for your perspective!

I actually wanted to add that H and I did the EN questionnaires and I am doing my best to fill them.
I am thankful that H is still here and so am I, and that he is acting lovingly often.
I guess I am just a person who likes to DO things and to have goals, to see progress. I'm not good at just waiting patiently for a very uncertain outcome .... Also I feel the responsibility to do something about this situation that I created (well, he also created the pre-A situation, but I created the A one). I won't give up easily as long as I have some hope, and right now I do, but I guess it wavers from time to time.

No, H doesn't want IC or MC. I have read a lot of A and R books, but he won't read them. We have read some of Torn Asunder together, but he found it painful and sometimes not relevant, so he is not keen to read any more.

Smur,

We read the books, did the questionnaires, went to a seminar, etc, in the first few months after d-day. It became too painful for my H to continue the reading, also.

My H really has insisted on working through this his own way (although he essentially agrees with MB principals). He is athletic and works out a lot of his aggression and stress through sports and exercise. Also, our pastor (who was one of our MC’s) has taken my H under his wing and gotten him involved in a lot of projects at church, which has helped us both a lot.

Does your H participate in any activities that help him relieve stress?

Rose

Thanks Rose,

Yes, I suppose he does, he goes bushwalking (hiking) and sees friends.

I am anxious sometimes because I worry that he is waiting for me to fix this on my own, or for the situation to improve on its own, and is not prepared to make changes to himself or to our R that we need if we're going to survive this. I guess this whole experience has made me see how stuck we were before, and how little we discussed anything. It scares me when I see this pattern returning, which it seems to if I don't initiate talk about us.

We have talked about some things and sometimes it seems that he's changed... So some days I'm hopeful. Some days I'm still overcome by feelings: guilt, hurt, pain, loss. For some reason at the moment, really happy couples are a trigger for these things for me! So I guess I'm staying away from friends in new relationships.

Hi smur,

It was over a year past d-day before I could breathe normally again, enjoy my surroundings, or stop constantly feeling like I had ruined everything for everyone forever. I’m sure I will always feel guilty about my infidelity, but at some point it’s unhealthy for us to continue to be consumed by it. We have to forgive ourselves and concentrate on becoming a better person from now on.

I know what you mean about staying away from people in happy new R’s – I’ve been to several weddings in the past 2 years. My discomfort wasn’t just from being jealous of the happy couple. I also had moments of feeling guilty and filled with regret. It gets easier as time goes by, though. A young couple I know is getting M soon, and I find I’m excited about it and looking forward to it! When I hear of a wedding now, I mostly just worry about the couple, especially the younger ones – they probably have NO idea what they’re getting into!

Something that has helped me is getting to know, and hanging out with, some OLDER happy couples. I have friends from church who have been M for 60 years, and it really helps me to be around them, watch them interact with each other, and learn from the ways they treat each other after all these years. I’ve made a point of getting to know two older women well enough that I can talk fairly openly with them about M (they don’t know about my A, though), family life, and just about anything, really. They have experienced so much in life and can usually give me good answers to questions, or at least be supportive.

Do you have anyone you can talk to? Have you ever considered IC for yourself? Sometimes if you start alone, the IC might think of helpful ways to invite your H to come along sometime.

Rose

Thanks again Rose,

I'm so thankful that you and other recovered (or much more recovered) people are on here, because it shows the rest of us that it can be done.

Yes, I've been in IC for 6 months and it was helpful, but now I think I am not in dire need anymore and I feel a bit bad about the money and time it takes up. Older happy couples? Hmm, I might seek out some, there are not many (any?) that I know, but its a very good idea.

Smur,

Just an interjection. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My question is: what about situations where loving feelings may be drowned out because someone is still feeling, but not expressing, other feelings, like anger, hurt, resentment, pain?
Is it necessary to express this, or are time and loving actions on their own enough?

I am trying to understand my H, (the BH) better. We are 7 months past Dday of my ONS and he has expressed resentment, sadness, and pain in the past. I thought we were progressing, since we have talked a lot in the past few months. He acts lovingly towards me, yet he tells me he does not 'feel' love and therefore cannot say ILY. I think he thinks that simply time alone will bring this feeling back. I am not sure whether thats true or not. Any ideas would be welcome, thanks. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For us guys, time is often spent "thinking, sorting, replaying, analyzing" things. It is not the way women do. If he is acting loving, the accept that, reinforce it with compliments or thanks for things he does, and act lovingly to him as well.

If you are 7 months out, then you probably have gone through the angry period which BS's seem to do around 6 month mark. If you want the relationship to change in some way, try doing it incrementally using small things. After all that has happened I suspect you two can now talk about anything. Don't nag, but start to plant seeds about what you would like in the relationship, show him by your actions as well, and gradually I suspect you will see change. He clearly does NOT want to lose you and he knows that is a real possibility now.

Just think of this as if you are trying to turn a big tanker or aircraft carrier at sea. It takes a long time and it takes steady pressure, no quick jerks of the wheel will work.

If you really do like planning, then start planning your future with him and even include him in it. What would the perfect vacation look like to you, what would the perfect marriage look like to you, what would the perfect anniversary look like to you? STart to plan far out in time and then work back to what needs to change now for the aircraft carrier to turn in time. Plant the seeds nuture them and I think you will see the growth you want.

Being a guy I also think that he does love you, but may be afraid to say it. He is letting his actions do his talking for him, yeah I know typical of us guys. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but hey we're <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> He may also be waiting for a "good" time to say it where it will have meaning to you. I suspect he fears that saying those words may not have much meaning. We tend to think like that you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Glad you are doing better.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

JL,

I very much appreciate your posting to me, and I think your ideas are so considered.

I am starting to appreciate the man/woman difference in processing situations like this, I have read a bit about it and probably need to think about it a bit more.

Yes, we definitely went through (and are still in sometimes?) the anger/resentment period, in fact I felt like that was H's main response for several months, it seems to have just changed in the past month or so.

I love your tanker analogy. I think that one's going to stick in my head! The next time we're in the process of a long conversation and I'm wanting to gently press my point, I'll just imagine a tanker <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't know about him actually loving me and just being afraid to say it. We have talked about it several times and he said he doesn't. But he said that he has prayed for it to come back. That means a lot to me. Its a little strange because I see him now in a similar situation to where I was just before I met OM - scared because I was losing my love for H and didn't understand why, and not wanting to lose it because it was something precious to me.

Smur,

Unfortunately he knows why he feels the way he does. However, you said he was acting in a loving manner. THAT is the love he vowed to give you when you two wed. And he is doing that. I think it will come back soon as you learn how to address his issues with this.

I am glad you liked the analogy of a tanker, because it is so true of marriages and relationships. I suspect that is why people used to marriages that ended as "hit the rocks". You can turn the tanker, so have patience. I think you are closer than you think. I suspect that 1 year you will see progress in a measurable quantity. I would bet there is progress now, but only in little steps.

One thing to understand and something he probably doesn't like to admit, he is very afraid of you and of losing you. I also suspect he feels he has failed. Just some guesses from what you have said.

Hang in there Smur, you are doing better than you think.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks again for the encouragement!

I know I'll keep at it, again I guess I'm nothing if not persistent, once I have the lightbulb moment and wake up to something... guess its taken 7 yrs of our R for me to learn, so I can hardly expect H to change quickly. I will try the planning thing.

I think you're probably right about his fear and not wanting to lose me... it sounds pretty negative. I'm hopeful that even if thats the main reason he's still here now, eventually it might be replaced by much more positive reasons, like a loving, mutually fulfilling and nurturing M.