I know that all HE!! will break loose once WW get's served with the papers I signed today. I had to go forward to protect my kids. Is this the time for the Plan B letter, or should I just refer her to my attorney?

It could take 10 days until we get the hearing, has anyone been in a similar sitch, and how did you cope?

Also has anyone here been this bad off, and actually got into meaningful recovery???

I can't really go into my story here, but you can see it in my posts http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=recent_user_posts;u=00039518

Thanks

Hosea - You are very early in all of this to be filing for divorce. If it is necessary to protect your children, go for it. I am just wondering if you could file for a separation instead. In the scheme of MB, you should still be in Plan A.

Hosea_2004,

I cope w/ Paxil ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Yeap there is an old timer that I can't think of her handle. The Dv was stoped at the last minutes and they salvage their M.

Right now all of your actions would cause her to go beserk. You need to lay low. Let the impact of this sinked in. You should call MB center to get someone to review your plan A/B before taking any actions.

Q 2 U. What is your plan A ?. I know exposure was done. Now what was her complaint about you in M way before D-day that she keep repeating it ?. What have you done in those area ?. In your M, do you have happiness that spans more than 6 months and how often ?.

-rh-

Believer: I agree, but she has been pushing me for this, and now forcing the OM into the kids lives, in order to protect the kids & myself I had to file so that I can get an emergency hearing on custody. Signing those papers was one of the hardest things have ever done, and I would give just about everything to be able to erase all of the pain that both WW & I are going through, and the pain that is still to come.

RH: Her main complaint was that I didn't spend any time with her or the family in general, I went to work, and came home too tired to do anything, I never wanted to go to movies, out to dinner, theme parks, beach etc. I even stopped going to church the last 2 months before D-day. When she left she just told me that she hasn't loved me for the last 12 years <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , and that we are just "oil & water" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My Plan A has been to recommit my life to the Lord, I spend every available minute with my kids doing fun things, I have sent her emails congratulating her on the good things she has done in her professional life, and have tried my best to not LB (I have been far from perfect here though). I sent her a letter telling her how I feel about her, and that I would give anything to have been able to see the pain she says she was in for the last few months. I don't believe the line about not loving me for last 12 years because we have had many long streches of great times, but when OM came into the picture I'm convinced that he gave her the motivation she needed to give up on us, and go with him. I am praying that this will not result in D, but I cannot afford to let OM (who I believe is partly in this for financial gain) to put all I hold dear at risk.

Our situation is very similar to Jon & Sue from SAA, except that OM was from WW's past, and moved here to be with her.

^

Hosea_2004,

Ok, Plan A is a plan to end A. BS achieving this by putting pressure to A w/o LB'ed. Aside from exposure, you have to "prove" to WW that you could change ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>RH: Her main complaint was that I didn't spend any time with her or the family in general, I went to work, and came home too tired to do anything, I never wanted to go to movies, out to dinner, theme parks, beach etc. I even stopped going to church the last 2 months before D-day. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This has to be part of your plan A by having fun, spending time with the love one. Proving that the condition for her to look elsewhere is taken care of. You have to convince WS that you could change or you are changed. It might not necessary that you go out and have time with her ... if she could see you go out and dedicate your time with kids, that is plan A.

Secondary benefit is you are going to be a awsome dad. Be patience. However you have to draft plan B letter and be ready to hand it to her. Don't listen to her fog, you could get sucked in.

The earliest, how far before Dv is final ?. In CA is 6 months.

-rh-

I know that all HE!! will break loose once WW get's served with the papers I signed today.

Well Hosea...any of the legal issues that she is being presented with ARE of her creation....

the opposite would be pure insanity on your side...
and hosea...last time we checked you're not insane....

you need to seek out a support group of parents going thru a divorce...

especially see if you can find a mens support group...
those with this experience can offer immense support and knowledge...

look at the bigger picture...you my friend are acting as a true hero and advocate for your children who haven't the tools or power to be impact her actions...

they are your primary focus....

no doubt that divorce greatly effects children...and there are certainly wrong ways and right ways to go about this...

your wife's way is the cruelest of them all...
better off they would be if she had no contact with them..then to attempt to try to FORCE them in to being one big happy family while she forces a strange man and children in to their world...

all of the children in this are tragically being used in their sick world...

you deal with your wife calmly..
you deal with your with sadness in your voice that she is so lost she can't even see her destruction...

educate yourself...but don't waste time educating her...

she is teaching your children that people are replacable....

parents who immediately move in with and thrust children in to accepting an outsider...teach children that adults who have all the power can be replaced when they displease a person..and if your wife has enough power to replace YOU...then surely she has enough power to replace them...

and that is what she is doing in their eyes...that she chooses and to live and caretake some strangers children...the same age!!!!!!!!
haunts them....

hosea...empower yourself so that this is easy...
protect yourself from thinking this is your wife...for this woman is tearing up her parent card even as we speak...

this isn't over by a long shot....
she only sees the reality of her actions through the OM and his children..who want to make it all a good thing...yet there is a whole society that sees her and him as only damaging....

even people that go through amicable non affair related divorces...need a year to mourn and process the loss of a marriage...
a year to focus soley on the children and their needs....

this relationship with the OM is built on sand and glass...and it will crumble on her...

be the advocate for the children without blaming and powerstruggling with her....

be of few words...
say things...
I am sorry but no matter what i can not stand by idley and let you harm the children.

I am sorry that you are not capable of acting in their best interest and I am willing to do for them what you can not....right now...

I am sorry that your vision of what you want blocks what is best for the children

just keep apologizing..

I am sorry it has come to this...

cause you are...

nothing MORE admirable than a parent that moves in the realm of what is best for the children...

NOTHING>....

her OM think nothing of his children as he thrusts them on to a strange woman....

you stand as the ONE...
doing what is right..

find a support group...

mortarman...WAT...frankD...have all been in positions to move in circles that are BEST for the children...

find a support group...

Is this the time for the Plan B letter, or should I just refer her to my attorney?
No, Plan B should not be started right after you file for divorce. It is sending two completely different messages.
You will NEED to talk, at least a bit.
You can limit contact but don't go to Plan B.
Keep your conversations very cordial & polite EVEN if she goes off the handle.

Also, she probably has 30 days to respond to the papers (once she receives them) before the hearing. So you are probably looking at least another 40 days before any hearing. (Give it a few days for the papers to get filed, another week to get served and then 30 days for her response.)

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>