Now you don't start, OK? (Yes, half grinning, half very serious, half WTH?)

You provide so much hope and wisdom and insight in the mind of a BS and what we, as FWS "need" to "do." You have shown how far you have come; the strength YOU possess; and the love and committment in your mariage, family and squid. Everyone's recovery is different, including the time frames. But the principles are all the same. And, you've come a long way mate!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I needed to know that he and his w are doing ok after Rob told his w and they are. I needed to know that she doesn't hate me and she doesn't. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your statement here tells me that you are a very caring person... you didn't plan this "closure" meeting with the OM... and you are willing to tell Rob about it as soon as possible.

I know the pain of many BS (myself included) keeps us from ever wanting to see or talk with our OM/OW... but I can honestly say that if one of the OM came up to me and asked for my forgiveness.... that I would give it. But I suspect that all of my W's OM don't give a hoot in He** about how I am doing or how their actions affected me and my family...

So I think you did a very brave, kind thing... now the 'critical' piece in all of this is your openess and honesty in telling Rob.

Semper Fi,
RIF

RIF, thank you.

Rob and I are really, really fine. I've never admittted on here that I needed to hear how his w was doing. I DID want to know. I wanted her to know that I wasn't a threat and she does know that and it's made me feel much better. She said to him that she saw me in my car one day and glared at me. I remember that.

It's the closure for Rob and OM's w that I've been looking for not any lovesick closure for the OM.

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KiwiJ.:
<strong> It's the closure for Rob and OM's w that I've been looking for not any lovesick closure for the OM.
Jen </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...and that's why YOU are a classy lady...

All the best to you and Rob...

Jen,

Can I ask you a question? When you talked to OM, what were your feelings? I think I know why you felt closure, but I am just checking.

God Bless,

JL

JL, trust you to get to the heart of the matter. LOL.

I felt distance. I always wondered if after all this time I'd be sucked right back in but I wasn't.

I was trying to gabble out all the MB principles without sounding like a textbook. I wanted him to help her out even more. I said things like "the complete truth is essential."

JL, please, please tell me why you think this was closure. Your opinion is so valuable to me.

Jen

Jen,

As you know the "closure" thing is a hot topic,because often the WS wants "closure" but that really means is they want to end it on their terms, maintain some contact, or a just lying about it.

BUT, I do think when someone wants closure I mean really wants it, they want to know that they can meet this person and then simply walk away without any strings attached. Then YOU KNOW, it is over, you are healed, the situation is OVER.

Divorced couples often seek the same thing. I think it is line with the famous saying </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you were indifferent to him when you left, then you have achieved closure. If that is indeed how you felt, you need to share it with Rob, because it will help him gain true closure.

This does not mean you can now tempt fate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and meet OM for lunch or dinner. It means that you have really and truely gotten back into your marriage and your heart and feelings are where they should be.

Does this make sense? I hope so. I am sure your were feeling very remorseful about OM's W and I am glad to hear she is doing well. But, I think it is significant if you felt distance, that is closure Jen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good on you girl (I know an Aussie statement, but at least hemispherically correct. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

God Bless,

JL

Yes, JL, you've got it in one. Indifference and distance. I didn't tell Rob that's how I felt even though he asked me if I was OK and how I was feeling. I will tell him.

And you have got to be kidding about lunches and drinks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Over my dead body!

Jen

Kiwi...

Easy or rough? You pick.

Jen,

just wanted to say I'm really happy for you that you and your H are in the place where you are. I haven't dropped in on Iville, partly cos I'm trying to cut down my MB addiction <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and Iville is a time consuming thread, but hi to you all on there and I hope things keep going so well for you!!

I'm really proud of you Jen! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You and Rob are an inspiration to me.

Thanks FF. {{{{FF}}}} been reading about your sitch. Haven't input yet cos I'm at work.

Rookie, not sure I understood your question.

Jen

Jen - You know I'm a big supporter of you. But one thing has me worried. You said that you always wondered if you would be sucked right back in again. If you thought that - why would you take the chance and talk to him?

In my case, I no longer dislike the OW. I look at her as a victim too. She has made some terrible sacrifices, and I just feel sorry for her.

The 2x4 ... how rough do you want it? I know it's a bit after the fact now, so I don't think I will bother...

But with this:
If you felt like you needed to know that his wife was ok...? Or they were ok... ? Why? When you returned to your marriage, you relinquished all rights to that relationship, every bit of info about that person is gone from you... and likewise in reverse. That you have any desire to know anything and to follow up on it... hmmm.

Do you suppose, that after going 1 month without smoking, it'd be okay for me to just take a tiny drag off a smoke?

Rook, this is what Bob Pure wrote to me on Idiotville.

I've read it and re-read it and everything Bob says is true.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Jen

Sorry darlin' some hardball 2x4s from me here...please don't hate me, I comment in LOVE you know that...

I'm glad Rob was calm, sad that he was sad. I really wish I was able to take him for a beer or two. I'd like your old man. Like you, he's my hero.

But I feel like an upstart offering opinion to such experienced people as you but....NC means NC Jen, not "NC unless I get the opportunity to get closure in a shop doorway".

Even if YOU were 'DGAD' you might have KNOWN Rob would be upset yet you HAD to find out if this woman you slighted hated you or not.

You stood and talked civilly to the you did 'stuff' with as a dagger in Robs heart and think its OK because you need closure? You love Rob more than anyone in the world yet you COULD NOT RESIST speaking calmly to the man who raped him because your need for self assurance was greater than your need to protect Rob from hurt.

What if OM had told you OM W hates you and sticks pins in a voodoo doll veery day? What would that of achieved exactly ?

Squid might want closure I could give a **** about that, sorry. Its US thats important now, OM is just a boil lanced long ago. OM GF has all she needs to progress her life. Her choice. I have no doubt she hates Squid. I don't blame her.

NC is not just so that FWS do not risk rekindling old affections. Part of it is respect for FBS feelings.

If Squid cared enough to ask how OMs life is I'd, well I dunno what I'd do. Rupture his spleen at least. Or accept that job in Shanghai with just my kids.

I LOVE you Jen but I feel the need to say this to you. You will get ove rthis but it wa snot a wise thing to do IMO ALTHOUGH I do not know your full sitch as youknow.

Please don;t hate me for this honesty - I hope you can avoid such in future.

you SHOULD have walked on with your nose in the air. YES YOU SHOULD.

{{{{jen & Rob}}}}
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rook, I deserve every 2x4 that everyone is giving me. There's nothing I can say to you guys, you don't need my apologies - Rob does.

Jen

{{{{{{jen}}}}}}

Take heart - now it WON'T EVER happen again. NC will BE NC and nobody died this time.

I love you Jen.

Bob

Jen,
I haven't been here in over a week since I found out my wife lied about how far back contact with OM had gone ( sporadically ongoing since our marriage)

On several occassions, you or I have stated that you and my wife are alot alike. I read your post and nearly lost it beacause it just confirmed in my mind that my wife would talk to OM if he ever called or they bumped into each other. She'd want to know the same things. How he and his wife are doing, etc. This despite my strong feelings on the subject.

The only difference is that I'm not convinced my wife would tell me if it ever happened/happens.

Mac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KiwiJ.:
I REALLY needed to know they were OK and they are. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And ... what if he'd said they were not "OK"...?

Would that have been equally noted as "closure" for you?


Pep

<small>[ January 13, 2005, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Oh, Pep, I feel just terrible about this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Everyone's, including Rob's, disappointment with me, is so hard to take. And all it took was for me to walk on. It's what I'd always planned to do. If it had been six months ago there would have been no question. I was caught completely unawares.

I have no idea what I would have said if they were not "ok." I would have added even more to my MB spiel. Because, truly, that is all I talked about.

All that matters, ultimately, is how Rob feels about all this but I do value all your input greatly, as always.

Jen

Mac

Please don't be too disappointed. It's not the "start" of anything, it's not something that's been "going on" and hidden.

It was a one off chance meeting. It was going to happen one day. We live in the same suburb and use the same shops.

I don't know how my guard was down - it's been up constantly for a year.

Jen