In the interest of not threadjacking..

I'm starting a new post just for this issue <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You know..it had never occurred to me, until I read your post, that a lot of people equate "vent" with anger..and in that context you and I are in complete agreement.

Anger is a good place to visit..it motivates change..but you can't stay.

Anger is a socially acceptable reaction/feeling..has anyone noticed this? You can say..pretty much with impunity..I feel angry.

Looking through my journal, I mostly see what I can not freely share. Not with the world, not with FWH. Pain. Fear. Indecision. Damage .

Now, anger you can do something about..as I said..it makes a great motivator..at the very least a clear indicator that something isn't fitting properly. A change of direction..a change of tactic can often alleviate most of the intensity. Pain though..can not be negotiated with..not be resolved..not be anything but felt and lived with and through.

Damage can not be whistled, read, or positive lectured away. The fear that arrives when you are about to have an honest look at what you have sustained and what it means with regard to your future is overwhelming..no one really knows what to do with it.

This world does not love a cripple, and yet that is what you have become. I think it very healthy to have a place where you can safely limp and fall and hold together the torn peices of your flesh in a sometimes futile attempt to halt the bleeding..the loss. And sometimes a place to just bleed the ground red. We are uncomfortable with pain. We avert our eyes from those who have obviously sufferred. We rarely do so with anger.

Perhaps anger is so often expressed in part because that is all most feel allowed? Pure speculation.

I'm still thinking about this..thanks for getting the creative juices flowing.

Anyone have thoughts on the matter?

Noodle

In general I agree venting anger is a positive action. However, it can become habit forming. One needs to know when to rein it in. And how to vent it appropriately, even in private. Otherwise, it quickly becomes a problem in itself. I think.

Always a narrow path, huh.

T

Noodle,

I very much agree with what you've posted here. Often when we talk about "venting" here in a positive way....we are talking about that phase of grieving that consists of crying out in irrepressible pain...the guttural eviceration of betrayal. There is a need to grieve and gnash ones teeth and fall apart...a season for that mourning. I remember going to a funeral once where the bereaved fainted, collapsed and wailed...and thought YES...that is as it should be. That is the kind of "letting out" that needs to be done. Grieve hard....and cleanse the soul.

You are quite right....that is a completely different dynamic than repetitive "vents" with no healing, no action, no change. Some folks come here merely to let it out but can't seem to move past that stage of grief or anger....and perhaps...that is where they need to be at that moment in time....no one else can really judge that. Still....it's worth nudging them a bit to try something more proactive from time to time....because folks can get stuck there.

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Noodle. Star*Fish, IMO you have good points. I can only comment on what I feel about my reactions:

WHen I "vent" it is to take some of the pressure and the pain down to a manageable level. You know, vent - let some air and light in. Anger can be part of it. BUT, that is so easy to get stuck in. I know. I have had times that I can't even see straight, I have been so angry. But, I do recognize that the anger is fear disguised. For me the lack of control over the sitch makes me nuts. ANd when it hurts my DD, I panic and rage sets in. BUT, I am learning to see the triggers about to happen and I try to disengage. EIther by walking away or by coming here and "venting". THis forum has made it possible for me to let out all my feelings, warts and all. And walk away with my dignity intact and able to face the next day. Without being a basket case or reacting to a sitch instead of thinking. DO I screw up. UH DUH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But doggone it, I have learned so much. ANd I am so much better than I was when I stared this process. Most oof the posters, especially the 'vets like you all, have been there done that. Have the scars and have no problem showing us the right and wrong thing to do.

But what it comes down to IMO is each person's "comfort zone". Some people complain and live a life of drama. And stick there. THey cannot think past it. THEY WON"T think past it. No matter what the sitch, they are stuck in it. THey gather sympathy but never learn. I think because it is getting them attention for one. It is sad. But, when people ignore your advise, you have to walk away sometimes, right?

I don't know, am I being too harsh? I do understand not everybody fights the odds we all do with the same fervour as others. Acch, I'll shut up now. Sorry. VENTING! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ok, so I like these thought provoking kinda threads. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Used to have a lot of them years ago. Kinda faded into individual threads about the same problem.

I am not sure what Star*Fish's post was about that started this thread but I'd like to give MHO, if I may. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Venting: For many it is a type of pressure valve. It was for me. Like journaling. Sure save MC $$. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Posting here @ MB helped me save my sanity. It was a good thing that my parents ingrained such strong godly values in the core of my youth. As much as I wanted revenge or to hurt myself, I just couldn't. So I had to get creative. This often proved frustrating. Kinda like taking an herbal remedy when drugs would kick in a lot faster. Oh.... patience was not one of my virtues yet I was required to cultivate it or die.

Venting helped me tie over those gaps in my healing process. Save a few souls, including mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now there is valued venting (venting with a purpose) or valueless venting (aka: whining). The later does periodically happen to the best of us but when it becomes the way we vent, then it is no longer healthy or constructive. We also tend to lose our self respect and others view us as a burden. When we really need their help, most will run then where are we? Lost without support. Who is going to hear us now?

Unfortunately I am related to some drama queens (in-laws who s/b outlaws - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I have seen and heard their useless venting. Now when they cry wolf, most of us don't bat an eye. Just pick up the phone and call the police (at times). NO more panic runs in the middle of the night (BTDT). See even when it is legit, they have lost their credability and their cries for help are now falling on deaf ears. SAd but true. Still they act like drama queens.

My part was to identify this type of attitude, educate the family on what it means and how to react. Finally got FIL and some of the other siblings to get a clue and now I don't have to make those midnight runs to find SIL in a camper with her pants off and a young boy desparately trying to put on his pants before my H beat the crap out of him or talking other SIL from commiting suicide, etc..... oh this is just the tip of the iceberg w/big chuncks below.

So back to venting.... I believe that coupled with journaling, a good MC, reading material recommended and doing our best, venting is a healthy tool.

Misused, like all other tools (including posting here @ MB), venting c/b a detriment to our personal recovery and marital one.

JMHO,
L.