I'm beginning to think it's me that's been in a fog, not my WH. And I think my fog is lifting. I think he's always been focused on his needs & has only occasionally met the needs of others when he's not inconvenienced. Emotionally he doesn't have enough to really see the pain I feel & the damage he's done to our marriage. We're almost 2 years into this. He's apologized but not in a way that shows me much remorse for what's happened to us. I think I only see what I think are signs of recovery because that's what I want to believe. I feel like any talk about meeting EN's revolve about how necessary it is to meet his before he really feels he's able to meet mine. I realize one of us has to get the ball rolling but I also need to see an honest on-going effort on his part. Until the last few months I continued to hold him in high regard, but the things he says have pretty much destroyed that. I can't help but look at him in wonder at what a selfish, self-centered man he is & has been. Our past happiness was based on my lack of boundaries- his happiness at my expense. Now that I'm learning to establish & hold clear boundaries the real spoiled child/adult in him is front & center. I keep telling myself that I need to allow time for us to adjust to the changes in the dynamics of our marriage & we'll learn to have a stronger more balanced relationship. But I'm getting so tired of all of this. Is it time for me to pull my head out of the fog & accept the reality of what I see. I wonder if there really is something "on the other side" or if what we're living is all there's going to be.

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs yet? C/b a communication problem in addition to you realizing how much of your ENs he is NOT meeting on a consistent basis.

L.

"Awakening" to reality is stressful. No, you are right, you can't "go back to the way it was."

So now you are feeling resentful and are using that resentment as a "justification" to end the marriage so you can "get some" with someone else too.

You can, you know. Scripturally you have the right to divorce.

So the question really is how much do YOU value and believe YOUR marriage vows? They all include the "for worse, in sickness,...etc.," but most of us tend to focus on only the "for better..." parts.

It's not easy to forgive and do the hard work over time to change the marriage, but it is easier if you have Christ as the model. In any event, it will come down to YOUR commitment, your endurance, your willingness to admit to yourself that "yep, I do feel this way, I do feel the resentment, but I'm going to endure this time while working to make the changes that will result in the marriage that I DO want. The grass is not always greener, it just seems enticingly so while I'm hurting and can't see clearly."

God bless.

Yes, I've read all of HNHN, Love Busters, Dance of Anger & am now reading 5 Languages, WH read 3 or 4 chapters of HNHN & told me now that he understands he's normal there's nothing more he needs to read. No, I'm not looking for an excuse for divorce, nor do I want anyone else in my life. He's the person I want to be with. I believe in my vows- over all these years I haven't been the one to stray just because my life wasn't exciting enough! The only reason I'm questioning is because after 2 years of what's been said & done only to again be told it's about how I need to meet his needs, I'm feeling very defeated & worn down & am ready to throw in the towel to find peace & dignity.

So now you are feeling resentful and are using that resentment as a "justification" to end the marriage so you can "get some" with someone else too.

ForeverHers- The more I've thought about this part of your reply the more offended I become! It's as far from the truth as anyone could be. How dare you talk to me about finding Christ in the same breath you attack me with a filthy accusation. I think you'd better head back to your Bible because there's a big part of the message you haven't picked up on.

ForeverHers- I'd like to add that I find posters here able to offer compassion, understanding and valuable, thought provoking input without launching below the belt attacks that come from their own bitterness.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jo'slife:
<strong> ..... I think I only see what I think are signs of recovery because that's what I want to believe. I feel like any talk about meeting EN's revolve about how necessary it is to meet his before he really feels he's able to meet mine. ....Our past happiness was based on my lack of boundaries- his happiness at my expense. Now that I'm learning to establish & hold clear boundaries the real spoiled child/adult in him is front & center. .... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jo'slife:
<strong> So now you are feeling resentful and are using that resentment as a "justification" to end the marriage so you can "get some" with someone else too.

ForeverHers- The more I've thought about this part of your reply the more offended I become! It's as far from the truth as anyone could be. How dare you talk to me about finding Christ in the same breath you attack me with a filthy accusation. I think you'd better head back to your Bible because there's a big part of the message you haven't picked up on. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jo'slife,

Read FH's response again. He isn't damming you, he's trying to help you see that you do have the scriptural right for the D. It is now your choice to do so or not.

Also, it is common for a BS in recovery or sort of recovery to feel as if their needs are NOT being met. It is amplified even further when the WS is NOT meeting the BS' needs at all or very little.

Now given that scenario and assuming that your H is a conflict avoider (conclusions I came to from your post), you are right on the path of where most BS' w/b. Frustrated and want out. You have been down the A path and know better than to go down that road again. You need to see progress and it should not be all one-sided or even leaning that way.

What to do? For you? You'd better learn to pull back a bit. Look at it as if your M is spinning out of control....skidding on an oil slick of sorts. Do you turn into the skid or brake hard and pull back? Initially experts say we should turn into the spin, then brake after the car gets a better grip and slows down. Gently, brake gently...... So you must do with your M. You want to do all the work and get angry when you are given all the work. You are really frustrating yourself. I know...been there done that myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now go back and read up on plan A and plan B again. Remember who the plans are for and how to implement them. Stop concentrating on helping the Xws. You need to give yourself a break and give him a lesson.

R U ready?

L.

<small>[ January 13, 2005, 01:11 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

bump!