Good Morning (?) fellow MBers!


-AD

<small>[ January 16, 2005, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

JMHO but even if the most horrific of circumstances were to befall a group of people, some would go to lead positive lives and others would struggle through their life.

In other words, it is not a safe measuring tool for having an A. It does lend itself to justifying it but it is not a consistent factor in what leads to events like an A.

I heard a story about a young girl who surived the sunami. Her family was swept away and she saw it. She washed up on the beach and was 'saved' by a passerby (I think a tourist - not sure)..... the person who found her raped her and said that no one would know. It is just horrible that her rescuer was also the one who raped her. She is still a young girl. Imagine what her life could turn out to be? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,

Thanks for stopping in.

What a horrible story you have told!
What kind of monster would do such a thing?

There are not enough psychologists, psychaitrists and counselors in the entire world to really help all those who suffer a major disaster or war.


-AD

<small>[ January 16, 2005, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

Still her actions will result in unwanted consquences. If you were to lessen her guilt or absorb her pain, she may later down the line inflict such pain or teach your daughter to do the same.

IMHO, like all others, she needs to see the consquences. She can choose to be more loving. Maybe with help to be more loving than she has been but NOT to be more hurtful.

L.

I agree with Orchid. Her childhood was horific, there is no question. But people can and do overcome horific childhoods...if they want to bad enough. I would imagine it would take a great leap of faith for her to examine her demons and try to correct them.

But what would motivate her to do this?

You love her very much, and should want to protect her. But what is protecting her and what is a reflection of your fears?

And I agree very strongly with you about avoiding a custody battle and not taking your DD away from her. That would just be plain evil.

There has got to be a way to bring about love and peacefulness in your home. Just got to keep reaching and searching I think.

If she had to choose between you and OM, if a choice was forced upon her, do you really think she would chose OM? Or do you think that it would cause a emotional backlash to suface in her that would be destructive to her? Is that your fear?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by weaver:
<strong> If she had to choose between you and OM, if a choice was forced upon her, do you really think she would chose OM? Or do you think that it would cause a emotional backlash to suface in her that would be destructive to her? Is that your fear? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This really is not about OM. For now, she has chosen me.

-AD

<small>[ January 16, 2005, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

How can a person who has never lived in a healthy emotional environment, learn, not only to live in such an environment, but to foster it's creation and maintenence as an adult?

It's like expecting a mongolian yak-herder to direct a broadway show.

-AD

therapy ... she needs help.

Pep

Not quite so dramatic AD. She can learn. It w/b with help and by example.

See she can make choices. She already has. Now she has to heal by helping others.

My H came from a very dysfunctional family. More than I realized at the time of our M. Every week for over 10 years, his family has been dumping their issues literally on our dining room table. Oooh the sleepless nights. Then d/d hit. That sent me into a spin.

I am a giver by trait....etched deep into my soul.... but in order for my H to heal, in order for him to learn by example, I needed to let go. I needed t/b a taker more and a giver less. I needed to give him the time and space to show his worth. To help him expand his abilities and praise him for it in a genuine manner.

Not a 'good boy' pat for every little thing. I would save it up for the bigger ones. They came after we both put in hard work.

It is now working. He is learning to talk his feelings out....with me. He is learning that I am his partner not his dominate mate. We are learning to walk together not one in front of the other.

Get on the phone to Jennifer @ MB. Setup phone counseling. Start with you and leave the door open when you speak with Jennifer.....let her hear how it is helping you......

It sounds like baiting her..... and it is.

try it.

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AD:
<strong> How can a person who has never lived in a healthy emotional environment, learn, not only to live in such an environment, but to foster it's creation and maintenence as an adult?

It's like expecting a mongolian yak-herder to direct a broadway show.

-AD </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a wonderful wife I adore who grew up with an angry abusive alcoholic father and a manipulative dominating control freak WW for a mother.

I can't tell you how my wife does it. I know we've done therapies, seminars, trainings, 12 step fellowships for adult children of alcoholics and lots of books.

My wife is a wonderful mother. She's a wonderful wife. And she's a better salesman than I am. She directs our broadway show and it's nothing like I imagined but it's not so bad.

part of it for me has been letting go of some of the ideas I have held of how it's supposed to be or how it 'has' to be for me to find it acceptable.

when the yak-herder directs the show you may find scenes you didn't expect. if you can see the beauty in those scenes you can still enjoy the show.

perhaps the most difficult part is understanding the part and role you yourself play in this show. the role of supporter not critic. The role of leading man when you must follow ever so patiently more than lead while she reforms her broken wings inside her rough exterior.

how many nights have I gone to bed feeling emotionally excluded when she turned her back to me in bed until one day I could bare it no more and told her how much that hurt that she always shut me out only to have her tell me that she does that because she trusts me to keep her safe and her turing her back to me is what she does because it makes her feel safe to have me behind her and she can sleep better when she feels safe like that. I cried many tears when she told me that one I can assure you. Now I don't feel quite the same sense of rejection when she turns her back to me in bed and now she changes sides more often too so that half the time I get to hold her softer side close to me as well as her backside.

I know it's not easy, I know it's heartwrenching. if you can try to just take it one day at a time and accept that the progress of each day is good enough and tomorrow more can improve.

Kasey1,

I'm sure that you are right - that I'm a big part of the problem. If I didn't believe that, I would have no hope.

I'm just going through a little crisis right now due to recent developments. I think the crisis is over and I need to get back to the work of trying to shape myself into the H that she needs.

-AD

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>