The problem with taking so much abuse disguised as 'honesty' is that in time you could become so desensitized that you will not give a hoot about reconciliation if and when she finally comes back to her senses, and head straight to divorce court without thinking twice.

We have three little girls. 1,3,6. This incident with sleeping with OM happend 4 weeks ago. Her and OM tappered off after that and haven't talked in 10 days now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fireman1:
<strong>We have three little girls. 1,3,6. This incident with sleeping with OM happend 4 weeks ago. Her and OM tappered off after that and haven't talked in 10 days now.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fireman,
Breaking up would be hard to do, I understand! Children and all -- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I understand that our brains throw off a special hormone, secreted by the adrenal gland when we have a new infaturation with someone. This give us a special euphoric, kind of a charge -- I don't want to sound like a Doctor or something here, but I have a feeling this is what your W is feeling for the OM -- Do you have an idea how long they been in this A thing?
Sometimes I believe people can get hooked on this "special charge" thing, then it takes more stimuli to get the same euphoric charge -- It is like a drug, they need more stimuli & this "charge" may get more pronounced with the increased stimuli -- like with the forbidden nature of an A -- they get drawn into a cyle they don't even understand themself -- It can be more about this "escape" than sex or feelings towards a person themself.
What I am leading up to is that your W may be in this kind of a cycle and the extra charge from the OM is wearing off, but she likes this & that is why she wants to continue in this "Dating" phaze.
This is the kind of thing that is a lot easier to discuss in a phylisophic way, than to come to grips with in ways to resolve the delima.
But for certain people these urges that provoke actions that defy their own morality at times, can be overpowering -- very similar to a person that is not able to drink in moderation -has lost control -- a drug addict -- only here the drug is this thrist for lust!
You are still in my prayers, man ...

<small>[ September 25, 2002, 02:12 PM: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</small>

Wife had a hard day today. She apparently woke up really missing her OM. She called me and asked if I could go get the girls for her so she could go look for OM to talk to him. So I left work an hour early in trying to help her. She told me that she was trying for closure. Knowing that she was down I stopped and picked her up a rose and preped a love poem I wrote her earlier in the day. She called and said that she had missed OM on the road and wasn't going to be able to see him. She came home I gave her the rose and the poem and she had not much of a reaction. It really didn't phase her. I then told her that I would take her out to dinner to make her feel better. Her mom came to watch the kids. We went to dinner. We came home she went straight to bed. I left for an hour to talk to her mom. I came home and she blew up at me that she couldn't trust me and where was I. She was crying like crazy. She had to go to work tonight so she stormed out the door. She announced that she had found my wire tap on the phone and felt violated. I pointed out that the recorder was not activated. So I guess after a day of trying to help her I eat S**T. I don't understand what I did wrong. She said not to call her at work and that she will talk to me sometime Thursday. I have to wonder if it is time for plan B

fireman1,

I can relate in so many ways with what you are going through. Though I was lucky that my wife only had and EA, but she did do some heavy petting with various other people (all not OM). So I know where you are coming from.

Personally during that time I was honest with my wife and told her how I felt and she delt with it the same way. You hurt me so it does not matter what I do since I have justification. Always be honest with your wife, if you are open she will feel she needs to be too. Her needing closer is a bunch of crap. With an infactuation she will not get over him unless he starts treating her like dirt, even then it will take a month for the infactuation to start going away. I am a firm believer in Steve Harleys idea of absolutly zero contanct.

Her ignoring the flowers and poem is so classical. Why would you allow yourself to feel something for the person you are trying to get even with, I realize that is not how she thinks, but in the fog it gets justified in some other way. Keep doing the nice things and being thoughtful to her needs.

I must say at some point you need to make boundaries. I have no idea how long this has been going on, but next time maybe you should not pick up your kids. Her acting single can only last so long before you will get worn out with doing all this extra work.

I also agree that an attorny is to soon if she realizes that the A must stop. Keep going to couseling and keep up with your plan A. Just make sure you have time for yourself so you can be happy also.

Hard question for you. Could you move to a different state? That would help her to start getting over the OM.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by fireman1:
I have to wonder if it is time for plan B

Fireman, when was the last time you spoke to Steve?

{{{{ Fireman }}}}

So sorry! AGAIN <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

i DON'T WANT TO SEEM TO BE INSENSATIVE HERE, BUT YOU KNOW I was being cynical when I mentioned that this could escalate to a point where your W has the OM over to the house -– maybe you guys could have dinner together?! YOU HAVE TO DRAW A LINE SOMEWHERE HERE!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I believe TooMuchCoffee mentioned the word “Desensitize.”

To me, this is getting way too wacky!?

To be frank, I believe you are miss-understanding something here! I am not the expert, but if you believe that Plan A & A policy of Radical Honesty should include you coming home early from work to watch the kids, while she goes out chasing the OM; What is wrong with this picture?!! Do you understand how painful that sounds!!
Is this the kind of thing you believe Steve wants you to do?

I know this cannot be solved overnight, but like Listner48 said, I would agree you need to establish some kind of a boundaries. Her openness & honesty is all a good thing – but I believe the purpose of that is a focus on the “marital relationship.” What she asked you to do & her actions is not with the intent of helping your marriage -- she is conning you & you seem to be encouraging it!! In casze you can't sense this, I would agree with Listner48– this meeting for closure thing is total BS!! That would definately qualify for Capital Letters and bold print!!

The Flowers –Poem thing – I have a hunch she even thinks it is really strange that you are being so cordial and all with her apparent deep seeded need to pursue this OM – this defies most people’s logic that such action would then deserve such loving gestures on your part! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> – I believe this would be the ultimate in what I would call “enabling” behavior and attitude on your part. You have no doubt heard people here talk about a typical kind of response for a WS is to have their cake & eat it too. It seems to me you are going out of your way to almost encourage this??!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I know you don’t want to be nasty, but somehow, you have to change this dynamic.

I think you need to talk to Steve, post haste – I just don’t know how this strategy of you falling all over yourself to help her feel good about pursuing the OM – how is this supposed to work?!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Yes, I would think some kind of a plan B would definitely be in order – Did you ever get the Dobson book – “Love Must be Tough” Maybe if you weren’t so readily available, she might appreciate you a little more – It sounds like she pretty much takes you for granted -- Have you read anything about being a co-dependent? Counseling for you?! I still have information that I THINK MIGHT HELP YOU WITH UNDERSTANDING, AT LEAST IN PART, SOME OF HER APPARENT COMPULSIONS, THAT IS, IF YOU ARE INTERESTED. (I sometimes hit the CAP Lock Key by accident ?? –thought I would leave it that way.)
I know this has to be difficult!
Prayers are with you, man!
Bob <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</small>

Just a thought -- this might help shed some light on you & your W's dynamics - I know it applies to me -- You & your W's situation may be quite uniques, but there could be some corrolation here - AT LEAST TO CONSIDER. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Abuse - codependcy --"Holdingontoit" post:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=reply;f=8;t=012339

Are you OK?

PEACE ....

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</small>

can you spell, D-I-V-O-R-C-E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes your very right that she tends to take advantage of me. This relationship with OM is really ending. I know for a fact she doesn't have any other OM's at this point. Because of how badly she has been hurt by OM I am thinking it might help pull her out of the fog. She starts counseling tommorow here locally in town. Today she greeted me with a hug and kiss when I came home and held me for a little while. Your right about boundries but I am waiting a little longer to see if this just blows over.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fireman1:
<strong>Yes your very right that she tends to take advantage of me. This relationship with OM is really ending. I know for a fact she doesn't have any other OM's at this point. Because of how badly she has been hurt by OM I am thinking it might help pull her out of the fog. She starts counseling tommorow here locally in town. Today she greeted me with a hug and kiss when I came home and held me for a little while. Your right about boundries but I am waiting a little longer to see if this just blows over.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While it's a given that you can not force another human being to do something that s/he does not want to do, I would like to remind you that there have many cases where the WS has finally wanted to come back and rebuild the M only to find out that the BS's love bank is so closed that the M does not survive and ends up in divorce. It is obvious that your WW wants to still be married to you because of selfish reasons, but you may not want to be as time goes on and the situation does not improve.

I too agree with Hurrian Hoosier's view that giving her flowers and a love poem only encourages her behavior. She wants OM because OM does not want her, and she does not want you because you want her. Her fragile ego has been shattered by OM's rejection of her, and she can't deal with it so she does the same thing you are doing in the hopes that she can have her A restarted. In a strange way, OM's rejection of her is good for the M, but your enabling behavior by showering her with gifts and love poems is not.

You need to talk to a professional counselor, preferably the Harley's, and get the guidance you need to do the right thing for you and your children.