</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">only part she had was not changing for the better over the course of the marriage...lets not forget y A's happen. u dont jsut throw people into a blender. there r specific events that lead to them. root cause. lets fix them. and not psyco-analyze everything some1 does. give each other respect n attention. be team players. " i want a spouse i can lean back to back with me..that will protect me like i protect her" I have lost that feeling. my spouse will fall asleep on her watch...... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please explain: Are you pointing the finger--blaming your wife for the choice you made to have an affair?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by USCTrojan's:
lets not forget y A's happen.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">~LOL~

I haven't forgotten that As happen ... but they don't "just happen". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> there r specific events that lead to them. root cause. lets fix them.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. And one of the root causes that allows affairs to happen is this ---> secrecy.

How can you fix the fact that there is secrecy in your marriage USC?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> be team players.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Team players have to be in on the secrets of the team.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">my spouse will fall asleep on her watch</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wake her up! Tell her about your ONS (one night stand)

And.... I usually do not listen to a WS's complaints about their betrayed spouse until AFTER he/she has disclosed his/her affair to the spouse... Until you reveal yourself to be an honest spouse, I have no reason to be interested in your spouse's shortcomings.... because your shortcomings are too glaring while you still clutch your secret to your breast.

Pep

USC,

You sound a little too caught up in the old "glory days" of HS/college.Your wife isn't some team mate on the HS football team or something,she is your WIFE.

Maybe she didn't change "for the better" because you have been treating HER a certain way.Did you think about that? She isn't here to speak for herself so we won't know the whole story.

It does not help us to use you or anyone as a punching bag,as you stated but you will get honest feedback that is not always so rosy.YOU need to accept that you are 100% at fault here for making the CHOICE to commit adultery.Even though your W was not perfect,no one is,whatever she did or did not do is no justification or reason for you to cheat on her.

If you had problems in the marriage that were affecting you,you had a duty to tell her and seek counseling before "sleeping" with some woman who is ok with not being faithful to her husband.

We are not here to help assuage your guilt.I don't know how long this thread will last with that attitude but I for one will not support you,cheating your W out of an honest and decent marriage,because that is what you are doing....again.For what I feel are selfish reasons,usually what helps lead WS's to cheat in the first place.

O

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 11:10 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

USC, good for you for at least looking into a site that talks about rebuilding your marriage...honestly, I'm both surprised that you ended up here, and amazed that you are actually posting. I say that based on the posts and responses you've made so far. Right now, to me, you sound as if you KNOW you are guilty of wrong doing, but have yet to actually FEEL the guilt of doing it. I think that is why you won't tell your wife. You can't really believe you did this, and as long as you don't admit it, it didn't happen...right?

Well, the things you are saying, honestly, as sad as this sounds, you crack me up. Bud, you keep displacing blame like you are, and man...it's gonna get much worse than you can imagine, really. I challenge you to print this thread up, take it to a counselor, and see what they respond to you with. I'm guessing you won't like it.

Hang in there.

Nice post Rook.

Pep

that will protect me like i protect her

I suspect you want someone who will do better than you have in the area of protection. You've hurt her, she just doesn't know how badly.

As for simple sexual protection, "Raincoats", ie condoms simply don't cover enough area to prevent transmission of HPV or Herpes. Both are viruses, neither can be cured.

I just have one thing to say......TELL YOUR WIFE! It will be hell for a while but that is something you chose to put her through. If you plan to get rid of any guilt then you have to let her know everything and go from there. If you don't tell her it will eat you up and you will probably do it again. Just my opinion.
If you love your wife, you will tell her so you can work on your marriage openly and honestly!
Being a BW, I can tell you .....It hurt like hell when my H confessed but I was willing to work on the marriage. Just please give it some thought ok?

What you will not get here is support for not telling your W about what you did.We are a Marriage Building site...
If i told her. I would be harmony.com..not here. jsut because u eat fish doesnt mean i have 2. i guess 1 reason to post here is to show the other side of the coin. i hear alot of u saying im not taking resp'. fair statement. how many of u r taking resp' 4 ur M?? what if...here is a thought. what if u spent more time with ur spouse and less online talking about it. hmm. i sound defensive dont i..i shouldnt be. no way i do it again. wife participated at party just like i did. A didnt happen at party. i hated those lil games. if i need a cheap thrill. i can goto Topless bars in LA..
i'd like to put all of u in my shoes. at the party that is. and c which 1 of u sits out while every1 else is laughing and having fun. i didnt get the wrong impression from the ws. she did. she obvioulsy wanted me involved with some 3some action at some point. no way. i got caught up in the " fantasy". i have testosterone. lots of it. here is a poll question. which is a more accepted practice. A) a woman that refuses sex
B) a man that refuses sex. think about it. I DO TAKE THE BLAME. it was my part of the anotomy. but lets not jsut blame the om/ow.

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: TreeReich ]</small>

OK, out come the 2X4...

GROW UP!

I'm done.

Good luck with your marriage Trojan!

Pep

TreeReich ...I have. it does occupy my thoughts. just not ez to bring up. i feel i can handle the pain inside better than my whole family dealing with the pain if it came out. i just dont get it. y do we want to hurt our spouses by telling them??

USC.

Well, I wanted to help. But, following that.. I can see that there isn't really any help for you here.

ROFL. Dude, my wife has said some pretty ****ty stuff to me over the not soo long ago time frame, but, if she said what you just said to me... well.... I'd probably end up in jail. And I'm really not an abusive person like that.. but, you honestly need to just be taken out back, and have your head kicked in. WOW.

LINY
i cant blame her 4 what i did. i blame ws 4 the apple she brought. And i blame myself for taking a bite out of it. As we speed down the hwy. Trooper pulls us over. gives us 200 ticket. im sure we all blame ourselves and dont get upset with trooper. yeah right. I guess i have to research every1's story. that way i can see how the A's started. and see every1's take on it.

sound like mindsink with his made up situation ... or they don't get it that they don't get it ...

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> jsut because u eat fish doesnt mean i have 2. i guess 1 reason to post here is to show the other side of the coin. i hear alot of u saying im not taking resp'. fair statement. how many of u r taking resp' 4 ur M?? what if...here is a thought. what if u spent more time with ur spouse and less online talking about it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is an MB site, with proven principles. It's for people who really want to build better marriages..obviously if we had PERFECT marriages we wouldn't be here in the first place. That's a no brainer.

As someone who has BEEN betrayed and cheated on...I could give a rats @ss about the other side of the coin. What the hell do I care..and how does it improve my marriage ? It doesn't. The OW...long gone, history, crying in her poor pathetic soup.

You can look up every single post of mine, and see that I take MORE than my fair share for the downfall of my marriage. If I didn't have faults...why wouldn't I have kept on walking on Dday ? Of course I take my responsibility...but you know what...SO DOES MY HUSBAND.

This is an online SUPPORT BOARD...I probably spend FAR less time here, than you do at your parties. I work on my marriage EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.

Furthermore..what are trying to accomplish by throwing stones at US ? We can support ANYONE that wants to truly repair something they broke..but when it comes to throwing stones... our's are much more meaningful, and come with thought, time, and experience. What's your excuse ?

USCT,

You wonder what good it will do to tell your wife? My H thought the same exact thing. what you don't realize is spouses have a way of knowing something is not right. What he was doing took away from our marriage.


Secrets have a way of making more problems. How would you feel if your wife kept something like that from you?

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: Enchantedlady ]</small>

USC,

I'm going to try something novel here and answer your question. You asked why it's important to reveal the A to your wife when it would only hurt her and perhaps cause the end to your marriage. I actually have some reasonable answers to that question.

One of the cornerstones of a good marriage is honesty and trust. When there is no foundation of those things, and secrecy continues...the entire relationship is built on a faulty foundation. It manifests itself in many other areas of your marriage.

You had an opportunity that you wife has not had...and I'm not talking about the sexual encounter here...but the opportunity to know all the details and decide that you wish to work on your marriage rather than have cheap thrills. Your wife gets none of that information, and is denied the right as a human being to make her own choice about whether she feels you are worthy as a husband. She deserves the same right to choose as you do.

She is also denied the information about how vulnerable her marriage has become....that impacts her ability to make the changes that would strengthen your marriage...because she is ignorant of the risks you have taken. It hurt me deeply to know my H had ONSs...but that information was vital to the changes we made to recover our marriage...and rebuild trust and compatibility.

She deserves the right to be tested for STDs....raincoat or not....stuff happens. This is her health we are talking about...and denying her the ability to protect herself is unethical.

The truth has a way of rising to top. Even if you don't tell her...sooner or later most folks find out. My husband didn't tell me....and finding out on my own...with the knowledge that he had exposed my health and not told me was a bigger hurdle than the A itself for me.

You're convinced that if you're honest....your wife will leave you. I think you avoiding that rather than protecting her....because I can promise you that it is information she needs and she wants. No one wants to be the last to know....I suspect there are many who know this...and it's only a matter of time before your wife does too. Marriages survive infidelity everyday....what they don't survive is lies and neglect.

Not telling your wife....is not about her....it's about your fear of losing your family....it's about YOU. It's about your fear of ruining your life because of your own risk and mistake. Even if your wife never finds out....this lie will do damage to you as a person. You are unwilling to risk being unforgiven...but you were willing to risk your whole marriage for a cheap thrill.

Put yourself in her shoes. If the roles were reversed...would you want to know...and make an informed decision? Or would you want to remain in dark, with friends knowing and blindly keep the same vulnerable marriage that helped create this situation in the first place? In order to keep this from happening again....it takes more than willpower. You've already proven you're a product of your own testosterone....so how can you and your wife deal with that issue...but some measures of accountability into practice....plan the future with those temptations in mind....build recovery or honesty in an environment where you wife is denied access to the truth.

Hope this helps.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how many of u r taking resp' 4 ur M?? what if...here is a thought. what if u spent more time with ur spouse and less online talking about it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I take full responsibility for my flaws and errors.

My marriage has been in recovery/recovered for 4 1/2 years.

I've spent 6 years on MB learning, growing, healing and, despite my earlier deleted post on this thread, usually lending support and advice to those who want to put forth the effort to improve their marriages.

My H is deployed, but when he is home, I spend time with him and limit my MB time.

Even if none of us took any responsibility for our actions, it wouldn't mean that you are off the hook.

It's true if you tell your W, she might dump you. She might hate your marriage even more than you do and use this as an opportunity to get out.

However, that usually doesn't happen if the wayward spouse shows remorse and wants to work on the marriage through books, counseling, accountability.

Even if you don't tell her, which you SHOULD, but if you don't, you need to heal what you've done by concentrating on the marriage.

You can find the skills to heal your marriage here on this site and in the MB materials.

USC....If you don't tell your wife then you are still living a lie. You can't get past this and grow and heal in your marriage until this is all out in the open. Remember...YOU chose this path. There may have been problems in the marriage and things may not have been so happy but that isn't an excuse! I'm glad my WH told me about his A.....it hurt like hell but how would I have felt if I would have just found out on my own? Worse!!! I can tell you that after my WH told me about the A I was devastated but wanted to save my marriage. My WH is the one who chose not to work on the marriage and left and now we are divorcing. If my WH would have stayed and given us a chance to save the marriage we would be in recovery now. Don't just assume your wife will end it. She may but you will never know how she will react unless you tell her the truth. She deserves it!!!!! You owe your wife the truth!!!