USC,

If this truly is your one incident and u r truly repentant, then you are new to this kind of thing. Many here have been dealing with the A and it's consquences for years.

Listen up..... you goofed up big time. Exposed yourself and your W to possible STD. At the very least do the following:

1. You get tested
2. Get some good MC (call Steve Harley @MB and you can do some phone counseling).
3. Read His Needs/Her Needs and tell your W that you want to improve the communication in your M.

If you can't confess yet that's because you are afraid of what it would take to fix your M. I understand that so take it 1 step at a time. When you are ready then ask your W to get STD tested also. However, the longer you procrastinate, the more the chances there are of the STD developing within her and her giving it back to you. Then there are your children to think about.

Even a ONS (one night stand) recovery needs a plan. You are hoping it will just go away. Here we call that 'conflict avoiding'. Not smart putting your head in the sand with your but sticking waaay up there for all to see. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Now go think hard about your options. You have them and the timeframe is yours to control.

Be aware that you are not the 1st OP to come here claiming he/she will NEVER tell their mate about the A/ONS. Yet in most cases, most have. All the sensible ones have and the others have left, continuing to live their lives in fear that someone else will tell their spouse or something else will force a showdown.

JMHO,
L.

****EDIT****
where is he----i would love his insight here.

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Trojan,
You are looking for help with how you feel? Can you clarify? What feeling are you looking for help with? Guilt? Or something else? Not challenging, just seeking clarification. Forgive me if you stated this more clearly somewhere in the previous 4 pages and I missed it.
Curious53

USC~

It is good that you found marriage builders if that is your cause for coming here...to build your marriage.

You're getting the heaviest(and most deserved)2x4's of seen yet.

I believe you want a better marriage otherwise you wouldn't be here. This is a support board for those who seek advise and support for their troubled marriages...not to condone excuse's for infidelity.

Review your marriage vows...I'm sure they were not...

1. Party like a rock star with me,(or, RAQ star)
2. Mind read all of my needs
3. Engage in the Peter Pan philosophy with me(to never grow up)

You are a man of nearly 40. Start acting like it. This is an era in your life of acting responsibly. Seriously, say your true marriage vows out loud...do they correspond with how you are living your M?

If they are not how you or your W are living your M, then do something positive about it. Get counseling, or maybe even some open and honest communication.

New circle of friends may help.

Well, at first I was just going to post on here to help lead everyone in a singalong of the troll song (the spam song, only you sing 'troll instead!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

But, in all seriousness....

USC you say that you didn't come here for help with your marriage, just with how you feel about it all.

Well, that could be the reason you are getting blasted so hard here. You want help with "how you feel" about it... that sounds a lot to me like wanting someone to tell you how to quit feeling guilty about it so you can go on like nothing ever happened without actually DOING anything about it. This site does not provide that kind of help. For that kind of help, go find some touchy-feely counselor that will tell you you aren't a bad person, that everyone does it, and that really, it could probably even help your marriage. They are out there.

This site, however, is call Marriage Builders. It is all about helping people actually deal with the problems in their marriage. In other words, it IS about the marriage here. The feelings - yeah, they will come into it too, but you won't get help with those without work on the problems that caused the mess in the first place. At least not here, you won't.

This is the reason the intro to the boards say you should be familiar with the Marriage Builders principles before you start posting on here. Because when you try to tell people that the advice they are giving you - which is based on sound Marriage Builders principles - is not the advice you want, and that they don't have the right point of view, those trying to help you start questioning, rightly, why you are here in the first place.

I'm still not convinced you aren't some troll - but if you aren't.... well, if you went on the PETA site advocating that eating a little meat doesn't really hurt anyone, as long as no one knows you ate it, I think you would find that you'd get a bit of backlash. Same principle here.

Read this, you may find it helpful.

Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

There are lots of helpful articles on the main part of this site. There's a questionnaire that you can print out you and your wife can each fill out.

You can have a better marriage even after your infidelity. I know it is hard to believe from where you sit....but...Radical Honesty is the way to go from here.

Policy of Radical Honesty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well i certainly enjoy all the witty name calling. sad tiger. u have certainly shown ur maturity. I prefer responses from men only. A woman can not speak from a male POV </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow...

why on earth would you come to a site entitled Marriage Builders if you don't want help with your marriage.

On a side note, usually if the WS husband is really nervous...he might just tell your wife himself..to make SURE you post no threat.

Just calling 'em like I see 'em.

Sorry for replying so late, but I just noticed that the whole thread only sprang in2 existence 2day.

"I wore a raincoat. no way i was gonna bring anything home with me."

I don't care if you wore a goretex jacket and a pair of rubbers over your shoes. Viruses can't be blocked with 100% certainty with latex.

You need 2 get tested.

Also, I wish someday another USC alumni would come along and "undo" some of the damage 2 our reputation caused by that guy that goes by a breakfast drink name...

I don't "do" sports, but it was cool 2 hear that we won that game.

-ol' 2long

This guy is a classic! Unfortunately; he'll never get it - Not in a million years!

Mommy spoiled him, Daddy was mean to him, women aren't worthy, boys will be boys and hey; if she didn't want it; I wouldn't have had to give it!

There are many more important people to offer help to than this MENSA member! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FR

42nately or otherwise, I belive Rack is gone.

Maybe he really was OJ?

-ol' 2long

Ya' know, he does remind me of 2oak when he first got here...

I've done a lot of lurking here, and this poster seems like a troll to me.

I would be harmony.com..not here.

Oh no! Not eHarmony, please.


Never did find out what RAQ meant. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

USC,

Orchid is patiently waiting for your response to my post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would be harmony.com..not here.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh no! Not eHarmony, please.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ask for an immediate refund if that should happen! My goodness. Could you imagine?!?!? Cringing for you weaver!

weaver - there are several possible definitions that would apply to "RAQ," but the most probable given the context of this thread is "Rarely Asked Questions."


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well i certainly enjoy all the witty name calling. sad tiger. u have certainly shown ur maturity. I prefer responses from men only. A woman can not speak from a male POV... I appreciate all of ur comments. belive it or not it has helped . </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay USC Trojan's - I'm a man. But given what you've posted so far, I really don't think "gender" has much to do with your hostility or your defensive responses....your lack of maturity and morality has much more to do with it.

To wit: "opps....I forgot to zipper my fly and my johnson just leaped right out and stuck itself into a "Trojan" and then into the first available female recepticle(not my wife's) that happened to be lieing there just "enticing me."

I appreciate all of ur comments. belive it or not it has helped .

You're quite right, I don't believe this statement.

I'm sorry USC Trojan's, but until you are ready to have a real, adult, discussion, about what you did, the real and lasting impact that it has had (and will continue to have) on your marriage, and your responsibilities as a Married Man (oooopps, I suppose that by applying your logic of "it just happened" that your marriage "just happened", therefore it's not really a marriage anymore than your One Night Stand is not really ADULTERY).

ONCE, my southern Cal friend, is all that is needed for adultery. And adultery does NOT just "happen." It is a conscious choice. RAPE just "happens" to the victim, not to the perpetrator. Rape is what you and the OW did to your Wife. She was NOT a willing participant in your selfish decision and all the "blaming of the marital" atmosphere will not "justify" the choice to rape her(commit adultery).

To put it more succinctly, until you are ready (and it may be a long time or maybe never) to really address the mistaken, selfish, self-centered "classic liberal California/Hollywood" mindset, there is NO point in attempting to help you. For the first part, I have seen NO request for help of any kind from you, just an "in your face" statement that you are both a WS and an OM.

USC, "friends" do NOT diddle their friend's wives or husbands. "If it feels good, do it" went out as a justification for indulging your sexual appetites back in the 60's.

So, the only question I have for you and one that is fairly simple to answer is this:

What EXACTLY to you want help with regarding your marriage and your adulterous affair?

If you don't need help, and are not willing to make changes in yourself (that would seem patently needed since you have demonstrated very poor Boundaries and Standards for yourself and have demonstrated a belief in your Marital VOWS that is typical "Hollywoodesqe"...it's "relative," not absolute[it IS "until death do us part," not "until I place MY needs higher than YOUR needs or until I no longer 'feel' in love]), there will be no need to respond further to you or your thread. Within a few short days, it will be relegated to the "old and dusty" thread vaults while we move on to others who really are seeking some help.

That's one MAN's perspective. I hope you preferred it.

USC,

I just wanted to add my 2 cents. I have been on here since Sep. 04 I changed my name part way through. I am a bs/ws. I was extremely angry when my H told me of his A. I basically backed him into a corner until he told me. He did not tell me everything all at once. There was 2nd revelation. I did not tell all right away either.
I know why you don't want to tell your W. I have been there. But these people are right, you should really tell her. I was one of those people that said if my H ever cheated on me I would leave him in a heartbeat and never look back. Easier said than done. Our A's were over 3yrs ago, and if you don't think that deep down this will affect your marriage in the long run you are crazy. My H thought I was nuts wanting to know. He felt he did not need to diclose both times he cheated. But you know what, living life a lie does not do anything good. I hated myself for what I did. I blamed my H for what I did. Everytime we would fight, I said to my self....this is why I cheated and I don't feel bad. It will haunt you for the rest of your life either way. Your have withdrawn from her wether you think so or not. My H was different towards me. I could tell something was not right. I need and demand total honesty. I of course was dishonest myself. I did not like that. I think I made it very hard for my H to be honest about things in the past and that hurt us. I know that I did things wrong and I contributed to him not being happy. A spouse can tell when something is wrong with the other and their M. You are not only lovers, but should be and mostlikely are best friends. The bond is so deep, that you feel eachothers pain, even if you don't know what that pain is.

Look you can't change what you have done. Your wife deserves to know and make a choice to stay with you. She may already sense something is a miss. I would bet money that she does. She may have also cheated on you. She has a right to know what is missing in your M. What she could do to make you happier, and your M better. You also. I am still hoping my H tells me some of the things I did to make him unhappy. There were other things in his life also making him unhappy, it is not all about me. But some of it is. I wish I had taken better care of him and him of me. I yerned so much for him to do things for me that the OM was doing, but yet I could not communicate it to my H. We forgot how to talk to eachother and be honest. Shoulda, woulda, coulda!!! Make it right now. You made your bed and now you will have to lie in it.

Tell her, be remorsful, say you love her, and don't want to lose your family. Go to counseling together. She will be extremely hard on you, and has every right to be. I was very hard on my H and I have done the same as he did. I still had and have a right to be upset. I sometimes feel like my H is not mine anymore. I am working through it. We fell in love with our Spouses for reasons. Those disappear. They get lost in the shuffle sometimes, but sort through the shuffle and find them again. My H is my best friend, he told me afew weeks ago that he feels that way again too. I love my H with all of my heart. I hope we do make it. Have faith in your wife. Have faith in yourself.

Ann

USCTrojan - I am the wife of a WS who had an A with a friend of his at work. He is not being honest with me -I knew the whole time it went on 2years. I am sick over this and do not know if I can go on. Everytime we do anything I want to know if he did this with her. He is not being honest and open with me. He is afraid to tell me everything for fear I will leave him. I can not say I will stay -but need to know everything so I can make that decision. I bet your wife knows about you and OW. Does she seem different? More distant -ckecking on you? Do you have a hidden e-mail account? You need to have nothing seperate from her. You need to work on your marriage -read affair proof a marriage and do it. Print off material from this site and show your W. Make you M stronger. If you do not it could happen again. Go to a counselor get help in being honest with your wife. My H is a liar and now I see him as someone else.I don't like this new person. I would not have chosen him I would have run the other way. I am confused this is still new to me and I am trying to tell you what I think of you as a man. But believe me it is not nice.

Ok so I am back from fixing FIL trialer and my H did a wonderful job - here is my ? -he told while we were over there that he had shown the OW my picture this infuriated me. She knows what I look like -she could be sitting next to me and I wouldn't know who she was. I am furious -I want to go to her house and snap a picture of her. Am I wrong ? How can I find out what she looks like. I am going crazy - Please advise..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by realtor:
<strong> Ok so I am back from fixing FIL trialer and my H did a wonderful job - here is my ? -he told while we were over there that he had shown the OW my picture this infuriated me. She knows what I look like -she could be sitting next to me and I wouldn't know who she was. I am furious -I want to go to her house and snap a picture of her. Am I wrong ? How can I find out what she looks like. I am going crazy - Please advise.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yea Relator, mine did the same thing. STupid or what?!?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I was furious when he did that. The nut thought he was showing his postive married side and was being honest. I had to 2x4 his brain and said that now the OW knows what I look like but I don't know what she looks like.

Send the WS on a mission to get me a pix. He came back with 2 websites. LOLL!!!! In the meantime, I saw a pix of the OW.....yea but only body parts where the sun don't shine, no faces, just some gray hair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> YUCK!!! Had to have her server shut down her e-mail for her pornographic pix. Earlier e-mails mentioned her sending pixs about her legs asking the WS if he was a leg man. YUCK!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Well..... then I finally got to put the face to those pixs...... IN COURT! The website didn't do her justice. She looked like a man in 1 of the pictures. DOUBLE YUCK!!!! I asked the then WS if he was into guys or just ugly women??!?!?! LOL!!!

Maybe you can take your question on a separate thread. People are getting tired of waitng for USC to respond. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

<small>[ January 13, 2005, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>