We were suppose to have MC yesterday but WH couldn't make it. His work, the OTHER MISTRESS, had gone crazy and he couldn't get away.

So, the counselor and I just did IC which was a good way to touch base on where we've been. I was able to ask about her perceptions and how she thought things were going. She asked what I'm getting out of the marriage. What do I want.

Our counselor is not MB trained. But the things she's saying come right from the book. She says to keep Plan A-ing. Be nice, pleasant but true to myself. She thinks I may need to go to Plan B soon. We are obviously not making any headway on the OW and NC issue. She says that I can't force WH to have NC. That maybe I need to go dark. That's been my thoughts for some time.

WH was very apologetic that he wasn't able to make it to our session. For some reason, he is strangely draw to them. I sense that he's doing it for more than just to get it out of the way. I've heard things from him during sessions that I've never heard in 30 yers. He's opening up a bit. We seem to be seeing some of the iceberg of WH that lays below the water.

Our homework is to have another date night. I'm leaving it for WH to plan. He hasn't done any writing in our round robin book. He doesn't seem to be able to get the EN questionaire done. It's a mystery but still he keeps coming. The fog is lifting a little but the lies haven't stopped.

GG I am not sure what they get either. My WH has only been to 1 1/2 MC sessions. He says he can't take more than 30 minutes becuase he gets overwhelmed and shuts down, which isn't saying much. Last time (1 1/2 months ago) I invited him to come. My IC does the MC. I told him I didn't want him to come if he was "doing it for me", but if it was to work on the marriage OK. However I think his idea of working on the marriage is figuring out IF it is worth working on.
Personally I think there is a difference between working on the marriage and wanting the marriage to work.

I am glad you got some time to "defrag" with your counselor. You are braver than you know being able to even look at you WH anymore than go out with him, especially in light of the fact that he is still seeing OW. Personally I couldn't do it.
I know in my heart that if he couldn't decide between us regardless of the FOG/addiction, I would see my attorney tomorrow.

Has you H been a little better about touching base with the kids? Mine hasn't seen DD10 in a week and talked t her for 1 minute 3 days ago. It makes me so made that he is that detached from them. Sometimes I think the A was not about the M at all, just about him and his needs.

Hang in there, I have been watching for your post. Our sich's are so similar.

Grape:

It is not excusable for him to stand you up for your session. It should be a priority for him if you feel that he is really opening up. LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. It can't be both ways. If he is drawn to the sessions, he will make sure to come to them.

They try to deceive us when they are involved in As. They become good at it and we want to believe them. You don't need for him to open up necessarily to you right now. You need for him to stop using the drug--the OW. What is his plan for doing that? That is what you need for him to open up about. Had you ever considered that the reason that he does so well or whatever during the sessions is because he is using her for his relief, his antidepressant now.

He will not be out of the fog until he is fully withdrawn from her. That will be after at least 3 to 6 months of absolutely NO CONTACT.

HE IS A CAKE-EATER! Just like my FWH. He wants you and her too. He thinks he can placate you by going to the sessions, seeming like he is opening up.

My FWH had his IC fooled. He left what she thought was a productive session with her and then spent the entire weekend with the OW. I called her trying to find out where he was. She didn't have a clue. He prided himself on at least going to counseling.

Hang in there, GRAPE!!!

He is a complete cakeeater and follows the cheater's handbook down to a T. His work is always crazy and I've become adjusted to it. I'm amazed he's made it to this many sessions. It's a good thing our kids were born either at night or on weekends because he had trouble getting away from work for the births. Yes, big boundary problem.

My survival mechanism right now is to believe that everything he tells me is a lie and if he's not with us or at work, then he's with her. I find this calms me down quite a bit. WH has heard my addiction and cold turkey speech. He says he understands it but doesn't follow through. The fact he doesn't live in our house right now makes it easier to look him in the face. Before he got his apartment, I just couldn't stand to have him around.

At our date on Sunday, he said that his time with OW overseas was "special". I told him that until he could see it for what it really is, vile, immoral and evil, we have a LOT of work to do.

He is a master at telling us what we want to hear. That's why I just assume it's all a lie.

He's marginally better about seeing the kids but still making bad choices. Like he decided to go shopping last week instead of coming to DD first basketball game. He spent all of last Saturday at a tournament at our school with us but I doubt he makes it to the one at another school this Saturday. He spent Monday night with DD because I had a class. Tonight is parent night for our son's sport. I'm sure he'll show up to share the glory. (DS is quite good.) The coach, who knows everything, wants to wring WH's neck. I have been keeping a log of when WH calls. Not very much to it. He doesn't know the kids or their interests well enough to sustain a conversation.

And now I'm sick again! I coughed for a month and now have a full blown cold!

Singapore WAS SPECIAL for him. What made it SPECIAL? I would think this could help you with your PLAN A.

Mimi, I'm really sick now. My head is full of fluids. Can you spell it out a little better?

WH won't fill out EN questionaire but I'm thinking there must be a need for admiration and I don't know all else.

I sent him an email today about a kid thing we attended last night and being with DD on Saturday. I told him I'm glad he could make it inspite of the pressures of work. I said how proud I am that he is so vital to his company.

That's about all I can get through my fuzzy head today.

I'm saying to not depend on your WH to fill out the questionnaires to try to figure out what ENs that the OW is meeting. She is meeting some ENs for him that you are not. What do YOU think those needs are. He does not have to fill out the questionnaires for you to figure this out. He has already told you and continues to tell you. LISTEN!!!

Also, since your WH SEEMS interested in counseling, how much scheduling a session with Steve Harley to focus on ending his A?

<small>[ January 13, 2005, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

You're right, I need to listen better. I try not to say too much when we talk. I even count after responses to make sure I don't automatically chime in.

I know I keep saying this but I am going to look into SH phone counseling. But it's going to have to wait until I can think again. Too much stress has lead to another cold. My system is 'way down.