I have developed a crush on someone. We have yet to formerly meet, but I see him often at work and he always has a warm smile and hello. I am actually trying to find out if he is married.

Right now I am thinking that if my WH doesn't come out of his fog soon, I might consider persuing this man. I wouldn't obviously do anything about it until I am 100% sure it is over with my H. Should I tell my WH that there is someone interested in me? What if this man starts persuing me? I do love my H but there hasn't been much progress in our relationship.
In fact today when I tried to contact him I found out he wasn't at work for the day. he never told me that he wouldn't be there and he didn't answer his cell. That bothers me because we do have children and I think I should be able to get a hold of him for emergencies. He just told me this week that he had been thinking of me!! Now I am thinking he has reinstated contact with OW.

Hey Homer,

I am not really up on you're situation, however coupla questions.

1. Are you still in a M?

2. Are you on Plan A/B?

For me and only me, if I were to chase another woman right now I would be having an A of my own. My WW and I are seperated right now, she lives with her OM, yet I am still in a M, plain and simple.

I am not ready to give up on my M, are you.

Feelings about someone else right now are probebly not true as you are probebly on an emotional rollercoaster right now.

Before you do anything think long and hard about what you want. Keep away from starting an R as you are still married, that puts you in an A.

Alan, Yes I am still M. Separated for 3 months,
4 months since D day. My H is trying to figure out where his feelings for me went and if they will ever come back.. Problem is he prefers to do this with little of no contact with me, not wear his wedding ring, and hit the bars with his single buddies. Nothing he does shows an inclination of wanting to stay married.

I have done nothing but try to reassure that I love him, that I take responsibility for my share of our difficulties, and that I want to restore our marriage. I am currently getting no EN's met.
He is always sullen around me, short with the conversations. Has never apologized.

I am at the end of my rope. He supposedly wants until the end of Jan to make a decision (100% on his own I might add). If he can't then I am prepared to file papers and get on with my life.
I am feeling a little better about doing it because up until now I have not met one single person I have even been remotely interested in. Now I am feeling that there is life after the A, just not with the WH.

My values are such that I would never go out with this other man until the papers were filed and I was certain there was no love left. My WH's A only reinforced my conviction that it is wrong to go outside of the M to get your EN's met. My IC says that my H's actions are not those of a man who cares about his wife.

I guess I wonder if it is wrong to date someone after filing the papers but before the divorce is final?

I guess I wonder if it is wrong to date someone after filing the papers but before the divorce is final? Not only should you wait until the D is final (if there is a D)but you should give yourself time to heal and make any changes in you necessary to have a healthy R with someone else. Getting emotionally involved with OM right now will only mess your head up worse and make you just as guilty as your WH. Keep working on you while you are separated from your WH.

I can't tell you what is right or wrong for you, I only know that I would not be ready to date at this point. I would not be ready when the papers were filled or even after the D is done.

I need time to ensure I am ready to be in a new R. I must make sure I have fixed me first or I will go down a similar path. I don't want that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I wonder if it is wrong to date someone after filing the papers but before the divorce is final?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've asked myself the same question, assuming I'll have to give myself an answer in the near future.

If all hope is lost... for all intents and purposes the love is gone... the papers are filed...

I just don't understand how it could be considered wrong to go out on a date... I just don't get it.

You've got one life to live. People (you) need companionship, interaction, etc. with other people... how much time has your H (STBXH?) stolen from you already? To not date until the D is final because it would be "wrong" to do so -- IOW to continue sacrificing your right to move on and begin rebuilding your life --- sacrificing for what? For what reason?

Tqt, If this OM starts to persue me, I suppose I can say...look I am seperated and working on my marriage...but hey if you hang out long enough until my WH dumps me and totally destroys what I have left of my self esteem...I will be in such a great place to start a relationship with you.
And so what if you are the best thing that could ever happen to me...because I am devoted to being a doormat and if your that interested in me you will wait until my WH is done with me.

Who cares that you are attractive and a MD, there couldn't possibly be any other women you might want to go out with while you wait for my 6-8 month divorce is final. And then we can see if we are even compatible. Heck you have all the time in the world right?

OkOkOk....deep breath. I do love my WH with all my heart and I want this marriage. I DO I DO I DO. I can give him his time. I can give him the opportunity to prove himself. Can't I?

Homer,

Here's what I did. The last time my H was in a fog, I made him move out. Then, I told him that there was a man interested in dating me and I would like to pursue it if our relationship was over. He told me that it was fine and I should date anyone that I wanted to. I even had him watch the kids one night while I went on a date.

Three weeks later he was begging to come home.

Maybe you should just tell your H that someone is interested in you and if your marriage is truly over you need to know so you can move on.

Just my opinion. Hope this helps.

Stay strong! And remember to pamper yourself - now's the time to think about YOU!

Homer,

Here's what I did. The last time my H was in a fog, I made him move out. Then, I told him that there was a man interested in dating me and I would like to pursue it if our relationship was over. He told me that it was fine and I should date anyone that I wanted to. I even had him watch the kids one night while I went on a date.

Three weeks later he was begging to come home.

Maybe you should just tell your H that someone is interested in you and if your marriage is truly over you need to know so you can move on.

Just my opinion. Hope this helps.

Stay strong! And remember to pamper yourself - now's the time to think about YOU!

Sorry, posted twice.

Also, just FYI - nothing ever happened on any dates, not even hand-holding. And paperwork for divorce was never filed.

But, sometimes I think that my H truly needed to know that I would move on without him, I would not spend a lot of time pining over the loss of my relationsip (even though inside I WAS dying).

It did the trick.

Homer, before I get flogged by the MB masses... I want to make sure I'm not being misunderstood.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OkOkOk....deep breath. I do love my WH with all my heart and I want this marriage. I DO I DO I DO. I can give him his time. I can give him the opportunity to prove himself. Can't I? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like -- only you know for sure -- a "Do Not Date the Guy" statement to me.

I'm here on MB because I AM (was, I guess) trying to save my M at virtually all costs, and have even been fighting off a couple family members trying to convince me to "get out there" (and start dating other women).

But... what I said was:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If all hope is lost... for all intents and purposes the love is gone... the papers are filed...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In other words, if the marriage is over, sans a signed piece of paper, then I don't understand the "wrong" in dating.

ps. I DO, I DO, I DO feel your frustration <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Hang in there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I thought about planting the seed, but it is very possible my WH will also say go ahead. Maybe it is what he is waiting for..that way he can start contact with OW again or someone new.
I don't want to let him off so easily but then again I keep thinking I will end up having to make the decision to end the marriage anyhow.

Homer,

you have all the time in the world.

You and only you will know when it is time to carry on.

Just keep in mind, going from one relationship right into another may be the worst thing you could do.

Will you be emotionaly prepared to deal with someone new in you're life?

My fear is I would over compansate in a new R to the point driving someone away.

Fix you first and ensure you are ready to make the jump, it just sounds like you are not ready to give up on you're M

Thinking of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I've thought about wanting to date also. Actually I have gone to dinner with my friend, her husband and a guy that is a friend of their's. He's very nice and I would date him if it came to that. I did tell my WH that there was someone interested in me and he seemed happy (which made me angry). He also said he prays every night that I meet someone. Okay...now that just hurt!!! Anyway.....my marriage is soooooo over so if someone comes along...I would go out on a date...nothing more right now but I really don't see anything wrong in a date if you know there is no hope for your marriage.

Hi Homer,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justcall meHomer:
<strong>I guess I wonder if it is wrong to date someone after filing the papers but before the divorce is final? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The thing is, if the new relationship "goes well", you will be in a horrible situation - and your new man will not get all that he deserves.

Please, if you're sure you are getting a D, get it done. Take the time to adjust. It's the only fair thing to do for any future H you might have.

-AD

<small>[ January 16, 2005, 04:41 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>