Hi,

I have some questions. Here's the scoop. I have had a struggle in my marriage since before I was married. My husband was hung up on his ex-wife, he wouldn't seem to commit entirely, but finally did ask me to marry him. I moved from my town to be with him and left my friends and old job behind. I moved my two kids and he has two kids from his previous marriage, that have quite a bit of visitation with us. At first I wasn't working, but then did start working part time. Because he has a good job I didn't need to work for the money, but just so I'd have something to do.

Throughout our marriage we've had some bad fights. He often has angry outbursts, but not physical. Often the fights centered around our children. He was too hard on them and didn't treat them like his own. I had a difficult time bonding with his boys but it's better now. He has been very critical of a lot of things. There were many other little things such as seeming to pushy or controlling. One thing that was quite bad was that he got a vasectomy despite the fact that I wasn't ready to close that door yet. I cried when he went in. I felt he trampled on my feelings and didn't care what I think.

Given all this stuff I turned for entertainment initially to the internet. Someone from a message board e-mailed me and we just started passing e-mails back and forth. It was over time that I fell in love with this person. I didn't intend it to happen it just did. My husband noticed that things were different and rode me about being on the internet so much and even mentioned sites like chatcheaters, etc. I was feeling so guilty and very confused that I had developed feelings for someone I didn't even know. I did try once to break it off after discussing it with a friend, but I just couldn't do it.

Then last week I accidentally (don't know how) sent a copy of an e-mail to my internet love to my husband. He was upset, but understood from the internet how it occurred and that I had unmet needs and that some of the stuff that has gone on between us had contributed to this.

He made me break it off. I made it short, but figured the person would understand and not write any more because of the other time I tried to break it off. I wasn't quite satisfied since I felt I had probably devastated him. I did have to write one more letter telling him to move on with his life and I'd move on with mine. My heart was and is broken about it, but I haven't written since.

My husband says this is a wake-up call to him and is making a big effort with my kids and has been mostly understanding of what I'm going through. I don't love him like I used to and am really unsure that I ever will. I maybe should have hesitated before marrying him, but I thought once we were in the same town and house that things would be better. I've been burned before and know that promises are rarely kept. I currently have no faith at all that the changes he suggest will last or that I'll find the love again. I've been honest with my husband since the affair and have told him all this. That I don't love him the same and that I don't know/feel that we can make this marriage work. He says he's confident that I do love him and that in time I'll remember that. I don't have any interest in him right now. I'm going to see an individual counselor. My husband went by himself today, but I don't want to go with him yet. I need to hear about the reasons I had this affair and if it means I was looking to get out of my marriage.

I know this is a site where a lot of people cheated on post and not many of those that have had an affair, but I need an honest opinion about whether anyone believe that the marriage can be better than it ever was as my husband claims. Can I develop trust that he will change? Can I fall in love again? Has anyone actually made a better marriage after this sort of thing?

Hello, Struggling and welcome to MB. I commend you for caring enough about your husband and marriage to be here. My goodness, you have a GREAT chance of recovery--seems like you're both willing to do the work.

Yes, it's possible but it takes time and it takes work. It also takes "choices" and action..and not just "letting things happen"..you need to make them happen!

I'm not the best advice giver so I'll stop there. I just wanted to welcome you. And there are MANY wayward spouses here...and many of those are recovering their marriages and restoring love.

Have you read through any of the main site yet?

No, I haven't read any of it. I don't know right now that I want to work on the marriage. It's my experience that people can't change.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Struggling-M:
<strong> No, I haven't read any of it. I don't know right now that I want to work on the marriage. It's my experience that people can't change. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you are hurting right now, but do you really believe that?

Because if you do, you are saying YOU cannot change either. You cannot change from being someone willing to fall in love with a man on the internet while still married.

Change is difficult, yes. Impossible, no.

Why not wait to see if it is as your H says, a wake-up call before pre-judging his success?

TB

Struggling, that's not true. Sometimes something really hits us hard and forces us to change. But it takes a lot of time to be able to trust those changes..there's no magic bullet that will make you believe he's changed.

i have changed HONESTLY since my husband's affair. Some of these changes I'm still working on, some of them have been around long enough for me to know that they're permanent. I would say that for most of us who've found our way here, that is the case.

You may feel that maybe the marriage was a mistake...BUT, you *did* marry him. Even if you don't *feel* like working on the marriage, how about doing it anyway, since you promised to? Set yourself a time-limit, if you must, but promise yourself during that time that you will commit 100% to the effort.

I recommend you go to the main site and start with the Basic Concepts. I think you'll learn a lot about what led you to the place you're at.

You did care enough to find this site and post here. If you cannot make the decision to work on things just yet, could you just read through the main part of the site to see if that will help you decide?

To be honest,

I didn't come to this site willingly. My husband pushed posting. He said there were other people with this experience or at least something similar that can give their perspective and experience and might help, but I really don't feel like making this step right now. I appreciate your comments, but I just feel smothered right now, like my husband is too anxious to work things out when I'm not even at that place. He says "we've got to talk more", etc etc if we're going to work things out. But I haven't even committed to working on things. I'm scared nothing will change and that I'll lead my husband on, only to find I can't love him. I'm trying my best to endure his B.S. but it does make me angry. Sometimes he's so pushy and just wants to talk about how we can be together. It's frustrating. Frankly if our roles were reversed and I said "I love you very much" and he couldn't say it back or said he was so unsure about our marriage I would dump him.

One more thing,

I've been thinking about the reasons this happened. This isn't how I am and I think it's because of all the stuff that's gone down. I'm still angry for the things he's done and I'm struggling forgiving him!

Struggling, keep in mind that this is from the perspective of someone who was betrayed. One of the things we're told here is to at least initially, stop all relationship talks. Pushing is exactly that..pushing someone away from you, rather than bringing them closer. I hope your husband is reading here too and trying his hardest not to push you too hard.

Not talking about the relationship is one of the hardest things to do. Our instinct is to find out why it all happened, what can we do to make it better, etc etc. It's extremely difficult to refrain from finding out the answers. You can't teach your husband this anymore than he can teach you the MB principals, but hopefully he is reading and taking them to heart.

It seems that you have both taken up a position of openess and honesty--as in openly sharing your feelings. This is wonderful and essential to the foundation of a new marriage, if there is to be one.

The focus here is to rebuild a NEW MARRIAGE..we are not trying to help you save your old one. We understand the mistrust...both the mistrust you have in your husband and the mistrust he has in you.

Your husband asked you to come here and post, to gain some perspective. It's wonderful that you could do this for him. I'm wondering what else you are willing to do? The problem is that if he's pushing too hard, it is only going to make you "rebel" and not want to do that.

I hope that some other FWS (formerly wayward spouses) come in here to post to you. While I think you could use the perspective of both sides of the story, you could definitely use their perspective! Please keep reading and posting!

Struggling,

There are many people on this site who have been where you are. I also have been through stages when I thought it wasn't worth it, that I might never love my H properly again. I also had a brief A, and afterwards felt no real passion for my H for a while. I also have been angry and thought my H could never change. It didn't last.

I have some questions for you:
- How much pain and upheaval would a D mean to you, your family and to your kids?
- How would you feel if, a year from now, after being separated for a long time or perhaps divorced, you felt love for your H again? Would you regret your choices?
- How long did it take you to develop your R with your H from the time when you first met until you got Md?

This might help you decide whether you think its worth it to wait and see if your feelings return or not. If you wanted you could put a time limit on it, say 3-6 months, and re-evaluate then.
Good luck.

Struggling,

Welcome to MB. Many of your thoughts and fears have been experienced by many here. From the BS and WS perspectives....broken promises have reeked havoc with many of our lives.

If you seek to learn how to regain what rightfully belongs in all marriages and how you and your H as a individuals are willing to grow to be better than you ever were, then you have found a place which can provide the tools and support to help both of you achieve that level of satisfaction. You will find yourself to be a happier person and in turn create a happier environment for your family.

Here's the plan:

1. Give a call to Jennifer @ MB. Do some phone counseling...start out with what you are comfortable with..... you alone or as a couple.

2. Read the concept section above and complete the emotional needs questionnaire. Both of you do it for yourselves.

3. Read His needs/Her needs by Dr. W. Harley. This one is critical. You will find that the genders communicate in very different ways which often add to the frustration of any relationship.

4. Keep a journal of your feelings and keep posting here. There are several wives who are Xws and their help will be good support for you. Other posters will be helpful also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Realize that most of us get along with strangers who don't really know us better than those that do know our imperfections. We can get strangers on our side much easier. Only under true tests of love do our closest friends and family show their loyalty. At least for the most part.

Problem with society today is that we share our lives via tooo many media avenues...... lots of miscommunication, misinterpretation and this creates an ongoing chaotic condition from which countries have gone to war. So you can understand why M's are struggling so.

L.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ^^ BUMP^^

Hello struggling,

If I am reading your posts correctly you just sent the e-mail to OM that it was "over" last week is that right? If so,then it's very common for you to feel hopeless about your marriage and things in general.It's called withdrawal and most if not all WS's do not feel like talking about the relationship/marriage let alone working on it because of the emotional upheaval.

What CAN work and has done so for other WS's is keeping the NC(no contact) and taking this one step at a time.Feelings for your H are not going to magically return overnight or even soon and Infidelity is a major crisis,one that you BOTH need professional help with on at least a weekly basis.

Please consider your children.I come from a divorced family and now my children are going to have this legacy placed upon them too.They didn't deserve it and if you think the answer is to just up and get out of the marriage without trying then you are wrong.We still have a stable 47-50% divorce rate in this country which is projected to remain this way for the next 10 years,a second marriage divorce rate at about 75-80% and we also have a rising Infidelity rate,especially among women.Families are dying.

Please just take your time with this and be open to the possibility that things could be better for you both,OK? Read over on the Recovery board for while.It's the most difficult thing to do in this process but well worth it if you can.


O

edited for typos

<small>[ January 13, 2005, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>