I think he still may be there. He was supposed to leave Wed. right? It was her busy week at school too. Faith, did he stay? We'll only hit you with a 2X2 if he moved back in. We're not here to judge you. We'll only give you 100% support, but LM might hit you with a 2X6. Hugs-JG

I thought he was supposed to leave last night.

This being Friday, we might get an update this evening.

Ok FIM, I am trying to be patient and wait for an update.... but please humor this ol' MBer with even a short update......I have also been waiting for info from another company and losing my patience on that also. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How are you doing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Sorry! I didn't mean to not update in such a long time. Between work, home, kids and dork....it's been pretty crazy.

I'm about to take a hot shower and some sleeping pills....but this is the quick update....

Dork came and stayed in a hotel.

We did do stuff together with the kids.

I kept up my insistence about the divorce.....he kept his girlfriend. Go figure.

Everything was going well until today.

He left yesterday and now I'm feeling all needy again and hurt and devestated all over.

We just got off the phone and I all but begged him to tell me why, if he wants me and his family so bad, he is still not willing to give up the OW until he moves back.

The crazy thing is...I don't want him!!!! I want him to want me enough to break up with her though. I want him begging on his knees for me to come back to him. I want to have the OPTION to work on things....regardless of my desire.

Right now I feel like there is another huge hole in my chest and I can't stop crying. I can't catch my breath and I just want my kids to go away so I can be done with everything.

Did I mention I quit my job this week....a job I love.

Now, I have been intending to leave it for quite a while for a full time job.

But, did I mention I don't have a job waiting right now?

But, I walked in on Monday and gave my two weeks notice.

On top of that, one of my best friends, who works with me there and has been the absolute best supporter and a literal answer to many, many of my prayers...feels betrayed at my leaving. She has good reason..I can't deny that, but I don't take letting down those I love very well. We'll be fine. I know that. She's one of the greatest people I know and I know our friendship will be fine....but I hurt someone I love and I can't get that out of my head.

And then......let's see...I've yelled at my kids today....told one to just be quiet when she was upset that I was upset and then cried on the phone with the f-ing dork because I feel overwhelmed by it all.

NOW, HE is mad because.....hell, I don't even know why he's mad. Something about not listening to him and he can't even talk to me and he's so pissed he almost broke his phone. It seems like the reason is that I'm upset. Not sure though.

Until this morning, I really felt that everything was okay. I handled myself fine around him during the six days he was here....I held my personal ground and came to the conclusion that it's really not him I want....I want to win.

I also realized....I do win. Without him. Moving on is my own personal triumph.

But why, right now, do I just want everything to go away. Honestly, if it weren't for my kids...I would wish for a car to miss the light at an intersection and just end this crap.

I HATE the back and forth, strength then weakness, joy then pain, hope then despair.

I mean, really....does it all have to happen within the same 24 hour period? Life is great and grand with each of those....you can't have the joy without the sorrow.

But, damn it!!! I am just absolutely done with the joy never quite filling up the space that the sorrow has carved out. There's this little hole called "dork" in the bottom that lets all the joy out before it has a chance to fill up.

I know that I need to repair that hole. I need a whole bunch of 'whoop [censored]' to fill that hole.

I'm tired of working so hard to find the W.A. though. Some nights it just feels like there is an easier way out.

One day, when I'm past all of this, I am going to look back and bring out that can from a strong FIM place. I simply can't find the desire or the strength to get myself there anymore.

So, there's my woe is me story. Scary thing is that is a quick summary for me.

((( FIM )))

The suckage is huge. No doubt.

Pep

Thanks for the update. Was wondering if I had to call in the West Coast troops. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

From what you posted, it seems like you got hit with the same ol' stuff that happens each time there is contact with a WS. In your case, it was 6 days long so the effect w/b initially more devastating.

The good news is that your feelings right now are temporary. You will bounce back and be resillient. You have that to look forward to. You may even surprise yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Each future contact with the WS w/b less painful. This one was kinda new since physical contact had been a while.

Ok, enough analyzing..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Glad you are ok. Hm... .about the job and the kids? Could your actions be a result of the anger you have at the WS? Later when you have some simmer down time, will they still be valid actions? Just something to think about. ok?

Call this weekend if you need. I s/b home doing my fav year end work - TAXES YUCK!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I got free weekend calling so let me know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong>I held my personal ground and came to the conclusion that it's really not him I want....I want to win.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think many here - me specifically - can identify with that. We want to be right. We crave that reassurance and finality that what we have been doing has been right and good - despite it not turning out the way we wanted.

While we were trying to salvage our marriages we had to honor the "Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?" credo.

Now we want to be right and it's hard to accept that we are without some signal from the WS.

It will come.

Time wounds all heels. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT

Yes, you will be feeling better in a few days. You quit your job, OK, you could get it back if you want to, but you were planning on selling the home and moving-right? Do you want to move closer to him?

Last week was very tough, give yourself a break. Your kids were no doubt upset by him. OK. We all scream from time to time.

He doesn't want a divorce, then why can't he get his butt back home-fence-sitter. The affair will implode in time. That is a given. Just keep your path.

Do what you have to and know that you will feel better. Something for sleep and an antidepressant would be very helpful for a while-talk to your doc. Sleep helps everything be better.

Maybe a new job is just what you need. About the timeing, you might want to reconsider since there is support at work. Sounds like you just want to run away from your life, but you have the kids and all that worry-he is being carefree, but you have to be the responsible one.

The kids will grow, you can always get a job. The dork will figure it out, you may not want him, but he will eventually get it. Again, one day at a time. It is not fair.

Keep your chin up. As doc phil said the other day, you are morning the man you thought he was, not the man he is. If you were going to choose a husband and his resume said-unemployed, cheater, abandoner of children, liar-is that the man you would choose to be your spouce? I doubt it. You are morning the man you wanted him to be, you are morning your hopes and dreams. Faith, you are such a wonderful person. You may not realize how young you still are (I wasn't even married at your age). There is a great big world out there. Cry, scream-get it out of your system. Embrace the sadness. It means you are alive and can feel. Someday you will be the support for someone else and you can use your experience. You will find happiness again-I can pretty much promise that. There was a time in my life longago that I thought I would never be happy again, but the human spirit is strong, you are strong and will never accept anything less than you had before.

Make plans for you and the kids. You need something to look foward to. Maybe plan on a new career. Maybe go back to school. Maybe just a daytrip downtown. I am so sorry for your pain. We love you. JG

FIM,
To get over the emotional valley, take a lot of long walks during time permitted in your schedule. Meditate on the positive aspects of your situation to the timing of your feet (4/4). Be careful crossing the street though (look both ways each time!).
I suspect you gave notice on the job since the part time pay isn't cutting it now that you are solely supporting the family. Yes, you love the job but need more funds. Giving two weeks will allow you to get balance emotionally again, focus on a full time job which will handle your bills and get you out of your comfort zone of a familiar p/t job. Tell your friend you DO adore her and dread leavig BUT you have to take the job seeking bull by the horns and get a good, breadwinner one RIGHT NOW! Perhaps the school could find a way to up you to full time (another position, etc)
You are in a place of power right now. Even though you are on the rollercoaster of feelings after seeing your H, you are taking steps to go up to the next level of functioning fully as a woman in charge of things. (ugh, if only it weren't so painful and is probably some of your trigger for despair right now)
Grow strong in spirit for handling what needs to be handled, look to your children for clarity, take long walks, be careful with your safety.
We DO love you here a lot!

I am wishing you luck in finding a new job, one that will be all that you need. Hugs-JG

Are you doing alright? Hope things are starting to go your way.

A few days ago I had updated and when I tried to post it *poof* it went into cyber-no-mans-land.

I really was strengthened by each response though.

I woke up the day after posting and just knew things were going to be better. Each time something like that happens I come out stronger and more dedicated to my personal recovery.

I have good news on the job front. After quitting the job I now have (and yes...I realize I was running) I have come across a dream job. I'm trying to get in as a title rep. for one of a few local companies. The base salary is good, I get commission on top of that and the hours are fairly flexible. Good money, flexibility and the opportunity to do something new and challenging.

Just what I am looking for!! So, I'm very encouraged with that.

I've had quite a few personal breakthroughs with this divorce crapola.

I truly realize I am winning by moving on. What does this man have to offer? While he was home I had asked him how many times he had cheated on me that I didn't know about. Well, all he would admit to was a girl that he worked with 7 years ago that he kissed and made out with a few times. Well, let's see....let me think....yep, that's cheatin' to me! If that's what he admitted to, there's more.

For so long, I looked at the man who I thought of as my husband as the 'real' man he was. I thought the cheating early on in our marriage and even during this deployment was the "bad" side that wasn't really him.

But you know what, I think the "unreal" part of him was the man he seemed to be for the good parts of our marriage.

I am 32 years old. I'm intelligent, I'm fun, I'm honest and loyal and damn it, I'm a fairly good catch....even with three kids!

I have been afraid. I've been afraid of being alone, afraid of failing, afraid of losing, afraid of the future.

But I've been alone for a year and a half. My marriage has failed...I haven't failed. I'm only losing if I allow my definition of winning to include a life with a cheating husband. And my future is what I am willing to make it.

Seems to me that I'm afraid of being afraid.

I read something today that summed up what I had come to realize in the last few days.

From How to Survive the Loss of a Love:

When we label an emotion "fear," we tend to back away from the action causing the fear (basically, anything new)
If we label the same emotion "excitement" or "adventure," we have the energy to move into the new activity with renewed vigor and enthusiasm.
Fear is the energy to do your best in a new situation.
There is no need to "get rid of" fear. WE need only reprogram our attitude toward fear. If we treat it as a friend, it makes a great companion on our explorations into the new.

I loved this! How true. Okay. So I'm afraid. I'd be stupid not to be. What is going to define me and who I become is not the fact that I'm afraid of stepping into something new; it's how I deal with and react to that fear.

When I was thinking of fear it made me think of scary movies. I hate them. That thought led to thinking about dumb chicks in movies.

I can be the idiot woman, in heels, running through the woods, tripping over every dang branch in sight before running into a shack with one door. (okay...the scared, divorcing cheated on wife who runs around too afraid to stay and too afraid to leave)

....or, I can be the kick butt heroine who looks at the odds, sees that they may be against her, but goes out to kick alien butt and save the planet anyway....because sitting back crying about it isn't going to accomplish saving ANYONE'S butt...and a sexy heroine is always better than a dead chopped up chick in heels.

whoa. I'm going to need to get some sleep tonight apparently. If you read that far, and understood it at all...well, to summarize, I'm on the upswing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'd better get the kids to bed and try for some shut eye.

Thank you again to everyone who does so much to keep me...and others...going. MB is blessed with wonderful people and I count myself as one of the lucky to have experienced the care, 2 x 4's and love here.

good night.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Very proud of you!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Ditto

Thank you, ladies <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm feeling a bit proud too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now, if I could just get to sleep...I might be still feeling good tomorrow too!

Now the unproven warrior sits curbside wondering how his craftily defined plan to rule the world with nothing more than a stick and a smile has failed.

:-)

You da bomb FIM.

Gimble

Fim, what's happening with CO, OW's job... ?

... (double)

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

Gimble - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...a stick and a smile. I love it!!!!

Belonging to Nowhere - I have no idea what's going on. I haven't even asked.

Last I heard, she was being taken back to SAT. For all I know, they talked their way around things. It would surprise me considering the emails, but I don't know.

I haven't looked through their emails, checked her credit card accounts or bank accounts, monitored his phone minutes or anything like that in a while.

I don't care.

It seems like I wasted a good amount of energy on that hideous relationship for too long.

It doesn't get any more from me,

Excellent plan FIM,

You sound so strong. Now get those girls talking to someone...WH didn't just leave you, he left them too, and there is a strong message that speaks to a young girl when her father leaves her like your WH has...

Have you talked with MIL and BIL lately...to let them know where you are, what the family will be like, your realtionship with them in the future...