Turned in OW to her Commanding Officer....IT HIT THE FAN!

Well, after 5 months (well, 10 months after the start of the A, 8 months after being told WH wanted a divorce, and 5 months after his coming home from the deployment), I called the OW's CO and turned them in.

WH had supposedly commited to NC, working to make me trust him and moving back here by the end of the month.

He left on Jan. 5. He's still in Phoenix with OW. She was deployed the an AFB there a few months ago and he stopped by for a visit on his way back to SAT...you know...after they broke up.

He's got a plane ticket to go back to SAT on the 19th.

So, I finally did it.

I called her unit in SAT and spoke with the Captain there and he was very helpful. He immediatley let me know he would deal with it...today. I asked if they could keep to a counseling at this time and see where that led. At first he said he didn't think he could do that since I had already mentioned the fact she had sent a ton of emails over her army account. Then, I explained that my hope was to bring an end to the A, not to ruin a childs future.

I told him that I understand she is a United States soldier and is no doubt good at what she does, but she began this A as a 22 year old girl and still has her whole life to live. I told him that I would like to see the reality of her actions brought to full attention before I proceeded with an official complaint.

He gave me his word it would stay at that level.

Well, about two hours later WH, who hadn't been answering his phone earlier in the day, calls. At first he's all lovey and sweet and telling me how he can't wait to come home. THEN, he asks me if I had a nice talk with the CO.

I didn't miss a beat and said Yes, actually I did and he was very nice.

As you can imagine, WH was NOT a happy camper. All this crap about dragging OW into this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (huh?) and how I am causing so much trouble (not the affair! of course not) and that I have proven I'm just out for revenge and blackmail.

The standard "You've ruined any chance of anything working" was thrown around a few times too.

Then, he tells me that the CO told her they have to do an official investigation now that it has come to their attention but that getting a divorce will help to lessen the situation.

SOOOOOOO, WH wants me to file by Friday or he will.

Now, it's not because he WANTS a divorce. Oh no <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> It's because he can't let her go down for this and it's the only he can help her.

Uh. huh.

He doesn't want the divorce to go through though. Probably. You see, I have weakened his resolve to work on this because he can't trust me...I do crazy things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

He doesn't want to talk with me because he is so mad.

This may be what finally ends our marriage.

blah blah blah blah blah blah

So, he's going to start a divorce just to help OW/child out. Then he'll stop it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> AGAIN..once she's out of danger.

I asked him if he really thought that would help when it fully came to light that their A started in March, he didn't file for divorce until July, he came home for two months and had the divorce dismissed....THEN moved to SAT and lived with her and is now visiting her in her government supplied hotel room for a few weeks.

I asked how that would make a better case for her.

He says "it just will".

OKAY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So, it sounds like he has no where to stay since I did already tell them he is visiting her right now. I have a feeling she is being advised that having a married man staying in her room isn't the smartest thing to do.

He has no money...in fact she has paid 100. for plane ticket changes.....TWICE in the last ten days. She's having to feed him. She'll have to either pay for a hotel for HIM or send him back to SAT...to the tune of 100...AGAIN.

I've received his last two unemployment checks...although that will probably stop now. I know he's got no money.

What a catch!

Anyway...tangled tangled webs have been woven.

It's all my fault of course. Let's see what happens tomorrow.

Side note here...... to everyone who suggested that I do this a long time ago. You were right. I should have. I feel such a relief having done it. I know part of the reason was anger and part was spite. But more than that, I knew I needed to and finally broke through the fear of it.

Wow! Gotta say this post took my breathe away. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Glad you are still keeping your spirits up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now that you have stirred the pot enough for the scum to rise to the top again......it w/b more visible and of course it will be 'your fault'. Tell the dork that if he tightens his belt more, his pants won't keep falling down in strange places and then the MPs won't have to go looking for him. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Orchid:
 Tell the dork that if he tightens his belt more, his pants won't keep falling down in strange places and then the MPs won't have to go looking for him. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
L. <hr /></blockquote>Orchid...that made me laugh so loud I almost woke up the baby!

Mama's on the warpath again too. My sweet little ol MIL called to ask me for OW's number. THAT should be a pleasant conversation considering she asked me for OW's last name so she didn't have to speak her first name.

Not sure what MIL's plan is on that, but for HER to get involved...well, I'm glad it's OW and WH and not me.

She was going to pray before she called both WH and OW... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Can't wait to see what comes from that.

Good things!

Congrats. I still clearly remember turning H in to his CO. Had to ask the poor man if I could speak to him outside because..and I quote.."I'm not sure that I can guarantee that I won't faint..or barf..or both..and I don't want to do either in your office." He was convinced that outside suited him just fine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yarg. It's over and done..one more mile walked..one more hill climbed.

How are you feeling now?

Noodle

Hi Noodle,

I'm feeling tired. That's probably the most overwhelming thing right now.

I feel very good about turning this information over. I'm proud of myself for finding the strength to do something I've known I should have done for a long time.

All the reasons I had were valid...but not enough. I should have done this long ago.

I am a little scared. Things were so good over his last visit. I had decided to leave the convincing to him...but had also begun to hope that he was coming out of his dorkness.

SH had some very interesting insights into WH during the sessions we had over Christmas and New Years and it did give me the strength and understanding to let that little light of hope shine again.

Now, I'm just pissed that he didn't actually go back to SAT so we could be on the way to SOMETHING.

I'm worried that he's going quit.

And I'm mad at myself for even caring.

Other than that...I'm great!!

I've lost another 4 lbs, my kids are with me, I am blessed with great family and friends and I'm heading off to bed to enjoy my new sheets <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi, FIM.

That was a gutsy move. If you were a guy I would slap you on the butt and throw you a 'high five' :-)

For what it's worth, I am very proud of you!

Gimble

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Gimble:
 For what it's worth, I am very proud of you!

Gimble <hr /></blockquote>Gimble - It's worth a lot! Thank you!

It would seem I still have an unproven warrior who's butt is about to land back outside my fortress. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by faithinme:
It would seem I still have an unproven warrior who's butt is about to land back outside my fortress. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>And that is exactly where all butts of unproven warriors should be :-)

Gimble

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Gimble:
 <blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by faithinme:
It would seem I still have an unproven warrior who's butt is about to land back outside my fortress. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>And that is exactly where all butts of unproven warriors should be :-)

Gimble <hr /></blockquote>So this post leaves me with a picture of mounds of the 'unproven warrior' left outside the fortress..... who while still alive choose to remain with their faces buried in someone elses' azz. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Orchid:
 <blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Gimble:
 <blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by faithinme:
It would seem I still have an unproven warrior who's butt is about to land back outside my fortress. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>And that is exactly where all butts of unproven warriors should be :-)

Gimble <hr /></blockquote>So this post leaves me with a picture of mounds of the 'unproven warrior' left outside the fortress..... who while still alive choose to remain with their faces buried in someone elses' azz. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L. <hr /></blockquote>That's assuming it's not still stuck up their own <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi FIM,

Glad to see you posting. I am very proud of you. It took a lot of courage. You are so strong. I admire you a great deal. I told you in another post on my thread how much you inspire me. You are awesome. And you and your children are in my prayers.

Take care and keep us informed.

((((FIM))))

Suzanne

Suzanne,

Thank you for your kind words and your prayers. We can use all we can get.

I'm off to try and get some sleep again. It's 12:30 here and I have to get the kids up at 6:30 for school.

That's not much beauty sleep.

FIM

{{{FIM}}} HI, Welcome back! You have been my inspiration since I joined. Good for finally reporting the Dork!

I am ahead of you on that part. ICK! But, it had to be done. I got the same reaction. From not only WH but from MIL. It was ALL my fault. I have forcing WH and myself onto social assistance and DD would suffer dearly for MY actions and for being so vindictive.! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I asked MIL when it was WHs turn to face the consequences of his choices. UH DUH! When would she stop enabling the adultery, etc. And why it was my fault for reporting an ILLEGAL action when WH KNEW that if he continued, that I would.

I also used the line that someone MB said to me. FOr WH to blame me for reporting him is like a thief blaming the guards or police for catching him robbing a bank. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Amazing how he couldn't respond to that!

Good on you, FIM. I am off the boards for at least 12 hours as today is my moving to VIctroia day. (well, in a couple of hours as the computer is the last thing I will disconnect. Can we say addicted? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

Finally! Now, I get to Plan A in the same city. And you are my inspiration. Remember to Breathe. (that's what you said to me when I came on her. SO back at you. You saved my life! Thank you!)

Good job, Faith. Now a little bit of reality will enter the fantasy. Just sit back and watch the show.

Faith - YOU ROCK! TOTALLY!

I think about you all the time!

- Kimmy

FIM,
You did good AND you did it when it was the right time for YOU to do it. You had reasons not to do it before you did (thoughts on financial security in the future) and now just wear your teflon suit for all the angry statements he throws at ya!

Good job FIM!!!!

I know how hard it was for you to do that.

I finally bit that bullet the day I intercepted a voice mail from OW to WH (when he supposedly had been having no contact! Right...).

I talked to SH about it that very morning. When I asked if this would be a good time to do this (I was Plan Bing again), SH said yes, send the e-mail to WH's Division Manager, then DUCK!!!!

Of course, WH has "people" at work who apparently tell him if I call, or ask questions, etc. How nice he has people that "watch his back" so he can cheat and lie - and all at work!!!

But, of course, when I talked to the boss, he said "I don't get involved in the personal lives of my employees".

So, that was a dead end for me.

But, like the rest, you have been an inspiration for me here. You're strong, and I really admire that!

Right now, I'm picturing piles of butts with heads up their a$$ laying in a moat outside a fortress!!!!! And I'm LMAO!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

K

Faith,

I've been looking for your update every day. This was the best. You rock; or, as out 23 year old daughter would say: You da bomb!

Don't help him in any way. I wonder what his mother will say to him. Let him stew in his own juices.

This is such good news!!!

And I agree...you have to do it in YOUR time.

About the D, am I remembering this correctly, but since you've had it dismissed once, you BOTH have to file for it be filed again? I would DEFINITLY wait on this for when it is good for YOU.

And he is lying, lieing, laying with his OW...he has been stringing her along all this time (and you too). I wonder if there is anyway for MIL to let you know what OW says to HER... Ask MIL if she will pass along to OW what WH has been saying to YOU...that should help burst the bubble.
You'd be surprised how many WH tell their OW that there are no more feelings for the BW, there is no SF, and they are just staying for the kids...that is the WS script, and I wouldn't doubt that is what your unproven warrior has been sputtering...

What did SH say to do about a Plan? Plan A, Plan B, Plan F(aithinme)?

I told him that I would like to see the reality of her actions brought to full attention before I proceeded with an official complaint.
It will be brought to her attention whether you file a complaint or not.

Then, he tells me that the CO told her they have to do an official investigation now that it has come to their attention but that getting a divorce will help to lessen the situation.No, it will NOT lessen anything from the military point of view. Anything she has already done wrong is already done.

SOOOOOOO, WH wants me to file by Friday or he will.
That way if YOU file, itâ€™s all your fault.

Now, it's not because he WANTS a divorce. Oh no It's because he can't let her go down for this and it's the only he can help her.
Again, it will NOT help her in any way. In fact, if a divorce is filed now, it will probably hurt her more because she was messing around with a married man and THEN a divorce was filed.

p.s. I am retired military and currently work with the military, so I do know a bit about this.

[ January 13, 2005, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]

.... and it just keeps coming <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I called WH to let him know about the car this morning and after some sympathy and advise, he goes back to the whole CO thing.

He cracks me up!

Then, he says he's going to call him mom to see if she can help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He said that he had a message from her and she sounded upset.
Really <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He asked if she knows he is still in Phoenix. I told him, "Yes. She does."

Well, now I am making it difficult for him to ask her for help. He's afraid he looks like a "schmuck".....because I told her.

NOT BECAUSE HE'S THERE...because I told her. I just bit my tongue...mostly. I said that I see how he would see it that way...that he looks like a schmuck. I asked how it would be any different if she didn't know. She wouldn't see him as a schmuck, but would that change the action that makes him look that way?

Anyway, I got a call from the first sergeant who talked with OW last night.

It seems that he called her on her cell at home. Asked her about the A and she admitted to enough of it that they have full grounds to start an investigation on her own words. He asked me where WH is RIGHT NOW and I told him that he is in Phoenix with her. Oops.

She told him WH left last week and is SAT right now. First sergeant seems to have an aversion to being lied to and said that if he finds proof, he is starting an investigation immediatley regardless of the captains promise to me. As it turns out, he is also twice divorced....due to unfaithful wives. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He's not exactly sympathetic to them.

I just told him I don't have anything left to say on that matter right now then.

He said the same thing that Chris said too. She already had the affair. Getting divorced right now doesn't help anyone. He told me what that particular conversation was about. OW is firmly of the opinion that WH has been trying to divorce me since July. She doesn't believe he dismissed the divorce and thinks that he is only trying to work on things for the sake of our kids. She TOLD him that. He asked me if I knew if she knew he was married when they started the A. So I wonder if she said she didn't know. I let him know that I have letters stating that she "knew he was married when this whole thing started". That lying thing again...not good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anywhoo...he wanted proof of the divorce having EVER been started. I told him that yes, WH filed for divorce in July and that their A started in March...have proof of that too. However, he was surprised to find out that WH had the divorce proceedings dismissed the day before he left to meet OW in LA....oh, and he remembers her taking THAT leave because she ended up in trouble for coming back late.

So, he asked me to fax the order for dismissal. He gets the impression that WH is telling her one thing and me another....YOU THINK?!!

He wants to show it to her and say, "He's playing you both!! Wake up!!"

We did come to odds over the official investigation thing. He said he has a hard time putting his career on the line on the word of a stranger. Both he and the CO can get in trouble for not pursuing an investigation...they can lose their jobs. If I freak out and go to the IG over this and say they didn't do anything, they are screwed. I explained to him that I understand and that I appreciate his talking to me about that concern. I told him the reasons for wanting to allow them the opportunity to do the right thing. Her age, maturity, my WH income, etc. He said he would prefer to just get her out of the military and let her deal with the situation, but he would go along with my wishes. I in turn told him that if I want to see this pursued, I would call him and the Captain first. I told him I was impressed with their response and considered this a huge concession and favor to me. So, I think that's good for now.

SHE is going to get reamed by him though...maybe not in an official capacity yet....but it's gonna happen.

He asked me what I would wish for if I could have anything when I woke up tomorrow regarding this situation.

I told him that other than making this whole thing go away, I would want the A ended and WH home willing to at least work on our marriage.

He said, "Well, let's see what we can do to make that happen."

I can't wait to see this one unfold.

It almost makes up for the hit and run on my uninsured truck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

FIM,

This brought tears to my eyes. I'm very happy to see that there are concerned people in the military who DO take those things seriously. I think that OW has been lying just as much as your WH does.

Even if she didn't know that he was married at first (which she DID, since you have proof), once she found out, she should have kicked him to the curb. She has no business fooling around with a married man that has three children.

Your WH seriously needs a wake-up call; this is not HS anymore. He fathered three children and it's time to act like a man, a husband and most importantly a FATHER.

I hope and pray for you that this may be his wake-up call.

You did well, FIM!

Kati

Shouldn't you just let the military folks make their own decisions under their own system? Let it play out naturally? I don't see how this can, or should, be manipulated to help your own marriage. That, as always, is your WH's decision. Please don't set yourself up for further disappointment.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by tmmx:
 Shouldn't you just let the military folks make their own decisions under their own system? Let it play out naturally? I don't see how this can, or should, be manipulated to help your own marriage. That, as always, is your WH's decision. Please don't set yourself up for further disappointment. <hr /></blockquote>I certainly see your point, but I honestly believe this is the best route for me. I prefer to give her the opportunity to salvage her career and future. I've been told I'm being too nice and she would only be getting what she deserves. That's true. But I have to live with me.

This is a 22 year old girl. Yes, she's a United States soldier and an adult, but my goodness! We are talking serious consequences.

Now, there are serious consequences that my family is having to live with due to this crap. I just can't sink to that level. I have no problem pursing every avenue if this doesn't end the affair. BUT I will have given her the opportunity to save herself. I will feel better about that.

Now, her S. called and asked me to fax the paperwork I have proving the divorce was filed and then cancelled.

During that conversation he reassured me they would not take any disciplary action at this time.

HOWEVER, he told me they are going to yell at her a bit and let her know in no uncertain terms that she:

will NOT see him again
will NOT talk to him again
will NOT in any way communicate with him again

or she will be opening her own casket.

They are going to let her know that the only thing saving her at this moment is my desire to not see her throw her future away.

If she does any of those things, it is out of my hands and they will pursue action against her themselves.

SO, that's where that stands.

Again, I'd love to be there for that.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> They are going to let her know that the only thing saving her at this moment is my desire to not see her throw her future away. <hr /></blockquote>Which I guess should also lay to rest any claims she may have heard about what a horrible person you are and that's why your H is cheating to begin with. Becuase his W is such a terrible woman and doesn't understand anything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm looking forward to seeing how this one ends up.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by tmmx:
 Shouldn't you just let the military folks make their own decisions under their own system? Let it play out naturally? I don't see how this can, or should, be manipulated to help your own marriage. That, as always, is your WH's decision. Please don't set yourself up for further disappointment. <hr /></blockquote>1000% AGREED.

Faith, I luv ya babe, and I know you have your reasons but you obviously will not stop at anything to get your man back. I will never understand why in the hell you would want him back under these pretenses ? I just don't get it. Don't you want him to come back under his own free will and volition? Hey, whatever you feel, just do it, but I am gonna admit, this all makes me sad (not that this matters), but you have certainly set yourself up to die another death here, as if you and your children haven't suffered enough from your husband.

I know you know what you are doing, but I can't imagine what your children will do WHEN he comes back and leaves yet again. Your WH is a serial cheater, a man who has done this MANY TIMES. You and I both know these people (people like your WH) have a very difficult (if not impossible) time changing, and it is usually a severe struggle. I do not think this will be the catalyst to get him to "change" by doing this. I find it crazy that people keep saying, "I hope this is his wake up call".....HELLO.....HELLO !!!!!!!! Wake up call...wake up call should have been 6 months ago. Ok, rant over. I now will put my 2' x 4 ' back in the box for safe keeping. You know that I hope the best for you, I really do, and none of what I say is out of spite. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, this is a support board, so I am hoping the best for you and your children. Beware Faith what you wish for, you may just get it.

Good luck.

LM

I'm guessing the unproven warrior is scrambling because he never told OW the D was withdrawn, and now he's got to make it seem like he has been D all this time...

Also, what are the consequences WH is facing? What ever happened to that job in SAT? Does it exist? Or was this all a ruse? (my guess)

He sounds like he's been promising SOooo much to so many people (you, OW, MIL) that he's having a hard time keeping track, and wants to make EVERYONE happy...or at least himself.

I agree with tmmx and lemonman (again)...

They would (your H and OW) die soon without this!

Moreover, SHE is the least problem in your M...

I 'know' you just from your posts of course, but it seemed to me you have (same with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) strong ego, vanity, pride (among other amazing epithets)... and if he gets back to you after this, are you sure you'd be pleased/happy with that way...?

If I'm wrong and the goal is all that matters, then you did a great job...

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by faithinme:
Side note here...... to everyone who suggested that I do this a long time ago. You were right.<hr /></blockquote>Exposure, one of MB principles, so forced to be applied here, is applicable just to particular cases, not to all!... otherwise, % of saved MB marriages would be much much higher... the same with % of happily recovered ones...

[ January 13, 2005, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by lemonman:
You and I both know these people (people like your WH) have a very difficult (if not impossible) time changing, and it is usually a severe struggle. I do not think this will be the catalyst to get him to "change" by doing this. I find it crazy that people keep saying, "I hope this is his wake up call".....HELLO.....HELLO !!!!!!!!<hr /></blockquote>Absolutely
He'll eventually settle down, but when he decides and on his terms...

With these kind of guys women have two choices:
- leave them or accept them
(cannot think of the third option <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , but just recalled a story of my Xco-worker a long time ago, four kids, married to a cheater&drunken for 7-8 years... she left him and all of us told her - please try again (I was young at the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> to know better)... her answer was: "If I still love him and am alone in 5, 10 or 50 years and he's changed, we'll get back together." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by faithinme:
 So, he's going to start a divorce just to help OW/child out<hr /></blockquote>Faith:

As an aside, did I miss something here? IS this his child or hers from another man ? I am just a little confused.

LM

lemonman, she's referring to the OW as a child

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by aislinn:
 lemonman, she's referring to the OW as a child <hr /></blockquote>LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , My bad....thanks for clearing that up.

Seems to me though, child or no child...too much emphasis is on the OW........She has NO ROLE in this marriage destructing for FIM....this is all on her WH. I think FIM being the fighter she is will eventually get her WH back to her home, I really do. Anyone who would do what she is now doing inspite of everything that he has done to her and her children will not lose this fight for "her man". Like I said before, "be careful what you wish for...you just may get it". The best thing that can happen to the OW is being severely reprimanded by the Army and perhaps being discharged and having Faith's husband be shipped back to Faith and reconcile with her. The OW is young and can still make a life for herself.

Faith, you should be commended in the end for saving the OW from your husband. You are truly changing this OW's life for the greater good. Whatever your motives are, it doesn't matter. The OW will someday owe you her life, and I do really mean this.

As Dealan said, you do rock girl. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

Faith, there are a few people on this board who I want so badly to dump their husband. I know I have no business to say this but yours is one of them. I just can't get over the things he has done and said to your daughters.

Your perspective of OW as a child is wrong in my opinion. Young, yes, child no. It is possible he is the first big love of her life (more the fool her). But it makes me wonder. Did you do something foolish when you were in your teens/ early twenties. Something you look back on now that you are (a bit) older and wiser and you regret. Is that why you want to give her a chance? TT

Faith,

This is a little off the topic, but if the command continues to do an excellent job of handling this, I'm thinking maybe a note to your Congressperson telling them that the CO and 1SG handled a personal matter for you in an exemplary fashion might be in order. From what I'm hearing, they're doing exactly what they should and I wish more commands were that receptive. Other military types here may be able to give you an opinion on that. I don't know if I've ever heard of a positive Congressional inquiry, but I think I'd like to see one.

Also, stop taking responsibility for OW's career. She chose to take part in destroying a family. She knew that the military is against such actions. Let her be an adult and face up to her own consequences, whatever they may be.

Dobie

Gone for a day and see what happens!! Faith-you are my hero. I am speechless. You go girl. Jersey

WS will come to his senses-reality bites.

FIM....

You are probably missing part of the story.

The following is my guess

BEFORE you called the CO he suspected that something was amiss ....

OW's CO has not been impressed with OW's work recently, for several months in fact. OW has been absent more than usual of late. OW has been on the phone too much at work. OW seems distracted and prone to errors.

I betcha CO has been keeping an eye on her before you called.

It is MOST distracting to be having an affair with a MM with 3 kids who's wife is too mean to give him a fast divorce. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> And OW has probably been fairly lax at work while going through her rollercoaster ride with MM and his myriad of problems.

When I visualize your WH right now ... I visualize him having dozens of strings attached to his backside , and every string has a different sized tin can tied to it. And he's dragging these tin cans with him everywhere he goes. When he is with OW she hears this cacophony and she can't quite figure out where all this damn noise is coming from. And it's distracting her so much she is not a very good employee.

Just a thought. Her CO may be on her case already, for poor job performance.

Pep

[ January 14, 2005, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]

Good job, Faith. Please encourage others here to expose early and often!

Faith said about NOT going for the jugular: <blockquote>quote:<hr /> This is a 22 year old girl. Yes, she's a United States soldier and an adult, but my goodness! We are talking serious consequences. <hr /></blockquote>Well, you, me, and other Yanks on this forum are US tax payers and rely on our military. She's in some sort of intelligence role, right? Well, I don't want her protecting me. I don't think she passes muster for a security clearance in that she is not "reliable and trustworthy" - the key to granting a security clearance. I don't want any of my tax dollars being spent on keeping her employed in the military or any other job on my dime.

Cut her loose. Go for the full military Monty. It may be the best thing you could possibly do for her. She's young and has an opportunity to learn from her mistakes and recover. Please do not deny her this life experience.

WAT

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Chris -CA123:

p.s. I am retired military and currently work with the military, so I do know a bit about this. <hr /></blockquote>I've admired you for a long time Chris, now I understand why !!!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I so agree. Every action has consequences. If she is old enough to have an affair, then she is old enough to pay the consequences. I don't want someone else's 22 year old to die because she was asleep at the wheel. It is time for her to pay. She might learn a great big lesson.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by new jersey:
 I so agree. Every action has consequences. If she is old enough to have an affair, then she is old enough to pay the consequences. I don't want someone else's 22 year old to die because she was asleep at the wheel. It is time for her to pay. She might learn a great big lesson. <hr /></blockquote>I agree completely. FIM is saving this young girls life and she doesn't even know it. Having FIM's WH come back to FIM to try and "recover" is the best thing that could ever happen to the OW. FIM will have spared her a lifetime of pain and suffering. If dishonorable discharge (I doubt this though) is the price she has to pay for this, it will still be worth it.

Once again, I agree with all, kudos to Faith for doing this. SHe may get her WH back and save an OW life at the same time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by worthatry:
 Cut her loose. Go for the full military Monty. It may be the best thing you could possibly do for her. She's young and has an opportunity to learn from her mistakes and recover. Please do not deny her this life experience.

WAT <hr /></blockquote>I am in complete agreement with WAT's and others' assessments on this. She has dug her own grave and is now hovering over it. If she falls in, it is by her own foolishness and nothing that you have done.

Let her fall. Let her learn one of life's most necessary lessons: every one of us is responsible for our own actions. If she gets booted out of the military, she can't even blame dork because it was her choice to engage in the affair.

Hey, FiM, didn't you already fax her the thingy that showed the divorce action was jointly set aside? That's bouncing around in my head. Anyway, sure hope the S shares your documents with her and can make her open her eyes. Maybe then she'll kick Dork to the curb.

But then he'll come home. And FiM, that is when it can get really hard. Like Lemonman said, you just might get what you wish for only to find that it isn't what you want at all.

All in all, I am glad to hear of these developments. Stay strong.

~ Snow

Wow FIM- You Go Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have way more compassion then I'd have for this girl........but that's also an admirable quality.

-Caren

Faith - I admire you for your compassion for this girl. She IS very young and has likely fallen for your WH's lies - that the marriage was already over, it has nothing to do with her, blah, blah, blah.

She now has the opportunity to do the right thing. If she does not do it, then let her face the consequences.

I agree with the others...WAT, Pep, LM...et al that said to go ahead and let her face the consequences. (She has not spared you at all.) Facing the consequences could be a very good life lesson for OW....however painful.

I tend to think you are letting you WH guilt you into wanting to go easy on OW....and him. I thought that after Nov. 17th (or so) was when it didn't matter if you turned them it for your WH because he would already be discharged. Would they actually change his discharge or cancel his security clearance because of this?

Don't ya just hate it when you write a long post, hit add reply and it goes *poof* into cyber lala land? I DO!

This may be very random as I have already written all this..but here it goes.

Thank you to everyone for your advise, insight and encouragement....even if it's to leave WH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Did you do something foolish when you were in your teens/ early twenties. Something you look back on now that you are (a bit) older and wiser and you regret. Is that why you want to give her a chance? <hr /></blockquote>

I don't think it's so much that I did anything that I REGRET, but I realize now, in a way I didn't understand then, that each and every choice I made has long lasting consequences.

For example, I screwed off my last year off high school. Looking back, I wish I would have applied myself better. After I graduated, I got myself a boyfriend and put off going to my college classes. I never did finish. Although it hasn't hindered me in the career paths I have chosen, I do wish I had the foresight to put things into perspective.

So, yeah, I guess I actually am applying something from my past here. GOOD CALL, tummytuck!! I guess I hadn't connected those dots until just now. Maybe that post disappeared for a reason.

Pep - I think you are probably right. Her CO did comment that he remembered her taking leave in October (when she flew to LA to meet him on his way to SAT) because someone got in trouble for approving it and she was 3 days late getting back. I had the feeling he wasn't very happy with her.

To all who encourage letting her experience "the fully military Monty (a WAT quote <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).... you're right. She should have the chance to experience it. And it sounds like she will. It looks like she and WH have earned themselves their DUNCE hats and are going to try and lie their way out.

It's in their hands now.

WH is still saying he wants to come home and work on our marriage for the next 6 months.

He's still saying he doesn't want a divorce...even if he HAS to start one to save his own butt...and hers. (Yeah, he's still trying to say that might help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

He's still telling me he's going to break up with her and devote himself to our family.

And he still says he is selling the trailer and moving back here as soon as possible.

So basically, he's still lying through his teeth.

I am done protecting them at this point and will cooperate in any way asked of me.

Oh..earlier someone made the comment that OW is not the problem in our marriage. I do know that. OW is not even the problem when it comes to the A. WH is. However, she does provide an avenue for ending the A.

SH put it perfectly when he gave WH this analogy when WH was saying he didn't see why he had to end the A right now when there are so many problems that we need to address in our marriage first. (I know....a true Dork statement)

He said that if he's a doctor and working in the ER when he gets a patient who has cancer and is bleeding to death, he doesn't care a bit about the cancer.

The cancer is irrelevant as long as the patient is bleeding to death. You have to stop the bleeding to ever have a chance to deal with the cancer.

The A has to stop before any issue in the marriage can even be looked at, let alone dealt with.

In this case, I'm at the point where I need the A to end before I even make a decision as to what I want.

SH pointed out something else to me. It's very possible that what drives me in this is my fiercly competitive nature. Someone pointed out that I've got a streak of pride and a bit of vanity. Yeah. I guess I do.

I hate to admit it because it's certainly not one of my better sides, but if this marriage ends, I want to be the one to end it.

THat's a whole 'nother twenty minutes of writing though. I've got to go watch a movie with my kids.....they're so sweet!

Have a nice night.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by faithinme:
It's very possible that what drives me in this is my fiercly competitive nature.
---
I hate to admit it because it's certainly not one of my better sides, but if this marriage ends, I want to be the one to end it.<hr /></blockquote>Someone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> had felt but forgot to add: wish to have control too (quite recognizing herself in some issues... )

She likes FIM's sig-line... should be read more often <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Belonging to Nowhere:
 <blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by faithinme:
It's very possible that what drives me in this is my fiercly competitive nature.
---
I hate to admit it because it's certainly not one of my better sides, but if this marriage ends, I want to be the one to end it.<hr /></blockquote>Someone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> had felt but forgot to add: wish to have control too (quite recognizing herself in some issues... )

She likes FIM's sig-line... should be read more often <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>SOMEONE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> is very insightful. You know, I can't tell you how many times I looked through this thread to find that post and couldn't find it! I began to think it was on a different thread or I was losing my mind. OF COURSE, now, when I go back, I find it right off. I think FIM needs to actually get a full night's sleep.

Sig-line does need to be read more often....I'm going to print it out and put it on my bathroom mirror.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Should do the same; all that kind nature in a constant charge needs some brakes (too) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I do not think there is anything wrong with competition. You win hands down-you are married and she is an affair partner-that is just so low class. Do not give her a second thought. She is just a bandaide to the marriage, insignificant. She is the outsider, not you.

I would not want to be in her shoes-yuck. She can never make this situation right even if she marries him. It has always started as an ugly affair. She will always wonder if she got him by default if you do leave him.

Anyway-just want to give you more support. You are doing a fine job. Hugs-Jersey Girl

I thought I'd just drop in and give an update on my situation.

I replied to a thread on exposure and suggested reading the first posts on the original thread I started when I first came here. I got sucked in and started reading about all the crap that's been going on with WH and me over the last five months. I didn't even remember some of those early Plan A episodes! It was kind of funny, but sobering at the same time.

I exposed to OW command on January 12...exactly five months after WAT and others first told me to do it. I can't help but wonder what would have happened.

Anyway....back to the exposure. I decided to forward some of the emails I have to the command for WH's meeting today.

He reconfirmed that his plan is to tell them I forced the dismissal and that he had planned on refiling this month again. He asked me to please restart the divorce if he asks me to but that it is only to cover him and his ability to provide for us.

Uh. huh. Like he's done the last five months? No thank you.

He says he wants me to file it, not send him the summons and then dismiss it a week later.

I told him sure...if that's what you want. But OW is going to have to pay for it since I have bills to pay.

Well, he's stilling throwing out the song and dance that he wants to come home and work on our marriage. He's said he'll be home by Feb. 14th. He also says he is going to break up with OW and not have contact again, but he can't do that until he leaves SAT because he's staying in her apartment until he can afford to get the trailer out of storage and pay off the repairs on the pick up.

Well, too little too late. He flat out told me he is going to go in and make me out to be a liar and a "pycho out of control wife" (that a quote from OW). He is going to tell them I forced him into the dismissal and that he has basically been trying to get rid of me for the last months. At the end, he's going to throw in that he is going to come here and try and work on our marriage now that OW can't be in contact with him. He SAYS he will only bring up filing for divorce from me as a last resort. AS IF THAT WILL HELP!

So, last night I forwarded the email from OW that was sent over her army email account. It very clearly states what she would like to do to him and what she likes him doing to her. Very explicit. Over army email. Sent from work....she starts it out by saying she's bored at work and this is her daydream....the time of day should confirm her being at work.

I also forwarded an email....sent two days before WH filed for divorce in July in which OW states "If you need to spend time with your children and 'wife' it's okay. I understood you were married when we started."

I've got about a hundred pages more...but those two all by themselves should do the job.

I openly admit that at this time I am going after OW. I intercepted a voice mail sent Sunday night that was all lovey dovey and called me a **tch. Now, I understand that she doesn't look at me as her best friend, but really....name calling?

I tried it nice. I tried to look out for her future. Screw it.

WH should be walking into that meeting with his pack of lies right about now. The emails, along with the forwarded message from Sunday, will be waiting for him.

He called to ask this morning if I had talked to them again. I was able to honestly tell him no. Email...that's another story. He's got to explain the lies he told to both of us and she has to explain being involved with a married man.

So, this is my exit. I won't live with a WH in my life anymore. I'm not interested in the lies, the dual life, the stagnation of my own life.

I am moving forward and moving on.

It amazes me how quickly my own path opened up after exposing this last weekend. It feels like taking that step allowed me to shake off of my own addiction.

I'll never know what would have happened had I done this sooner...but I do think I'm going to be better off without this man who has no desire to stop the lies or the pain.

Hugs.

Don't spend too much time wondering 'what if....'.

You are living the truthful life. That is the right life.

Poof to H and her. Let them deal with their choices.

Your kids sure do have one amazingly cool mom. They do and don't doubt it for even one little moment!

Hugs again.

Faith - there is much strength and resolve in your words. It is very sad that these actions were your only course. But they are correct and right actions.

I recommend your goal remain coming out of this with a clear conscience. Do not fall for his bull crap. Do not do anything that departs from your place of high integrity and the higher good. Finally, do not believe that either of the infidels cannot pull themselves out of the gutter and restore their integrity. If they can do this it will be in large part to your actions.

WAT

[ January 18, 2005, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

He's going to slam you and make you out to be a freak so he can protect her?

He's going to go NC as soon as he doesn't need to use her anymore for a place to stay?

He's going to come home to you on Valentine's Day after spending the morning with her?

He wants to give this marriage 6 months? Since when does he get to decide?

Sad. Really sad.

Glad you are moving ahead, FiM. Keep your head on your shoulders now.

~ Snow

FIM-

I would once again like to applaude you for your diplomacy...you should run for some kind of office, you're one fair chick.

I, myself would be laying a path of destruction that would make a tornado jealous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-Caren

Thank you to every one of you for your support and kind words. MB has been such a support for the last 5 months.

I probably will wonder for a long time what might have happened if I exposed earlier.

BUT I'm not going to let it stand in my way of moving on either. I feel good about just about every step I made. I knew I needed to see this out until I could say and truly know I did everything I could to save my marriage.

I did. I feel good about how I did it and even better about the person I have come out of this as.

I'll be filing the divorce this week....and OW is paying for it. I told WH after his meeting today that I would do it but I'm not spending another cent to help him or OW. He said.."I'll ask her for the money." I told him she can send a money order, payable to me to my work address.

Speaking of the meeting, they are both losing their clearance and she'll be court martialed for the emails. They will both probably lose any of the benefits they would have had after discharging and will no doubt receive a dishonorable.

Yep. That's my fault. Just ask them and I'm sure they'll tell you all about it!

WH is STILL this afternoon going on about me dismissing the divorce next week, coming home and working on our marrige. He truly and honestly does not, at all, even a little, believe this is over. He doesn't get it. He's pushed and pushed and now can't believe he's reached the edge.

It's very likely he has lost everything at this point. OW, wife, respect, career...all gone.

And all because he didn't just go back to SAT when he said. I don't think I would have had the strength to follow this through without the original mad. After it was done, it was easy to see it was right and stay the course. I hope he wonders "what if" for a long time too.

ANYWAY, that's enough energy spent on OW and WH. I've got a whole new opportunity standing before me.

I am going to go to the courthouse on Friday and see if it is possible to show the evidence of WH having lied about his commitment to working on the M and seeing if I can just get the divorce finalized by the end of the week.

I'm hoping. I may actually be able to be done with this sooner than I had expected if that's the case.

Either way, I'm on my way!

He thinks he will stop or you will stop the D and he says he wants to come home but will BORROW $ from OW to pay for the D?

What's wrong with that babble? Nothing.... it is pure babble at it's finest. LOL!!!

More fog talk. Not sure which end is talking faster at this point but one of them is going to have to be wiped pretty soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L.

I would do nothing to make his lies come true. Isn't that what you are doing by filing this Friday?

Maybe I got confused. I understand that you want to be done with this and if OW can pay for the D...well ...let her...but don't do it so he can be proved 'right' in his lies to the CO's.

I can't believe he is scambling so much and sinking lower and lower with his lying. Wow, he is so lost in his addiction. Sometimes I wonder if he'll ever see the light and emerge from all that he has created.

Oh how I wish you would have exposed months ago.

Somehow, I still think he has a way of guilting you into going along with him...or he still has a way with words that convinces you he is real...one thing he is really good at is crazymaking.

Wishing you the best...as always.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />

I'll be filing the divorce this week....and OW is paying for it. I told WH after his meeting today that I would do it but I'm not spending another cent to help him or OW. He said.."I'll ask her for the money." I told him she can send a money order, payable to me to my work address.

<hr /></blockquote>You may think I am kidding, but I am not.

IF OW sends you this $$ .... pay some bills with it.

When asked why you did not use the $$ for the intended purpose, say:

"I meant to, but the bills became a more pressing priority. Can she send $$ to me again? This time I promise I will use the $$ to file."

The reverse money babble sounds like a great plan to moi!!!

Pep

Before you do anything, would you call your MIL for advice? She would probably tellyou to stall for the D...

Is there separation in your state, would that be a first step?

Things are going to get very ugly on their end for awhile, no employment, no money, the bubble will be bursting, and if you don't give them their way right away...then they will turn on each other...

I wonder how mature this OW/Child will be now that her future appears to be stripped from her.

Do not blame yourself. She knew the danger walking into this. She is an MP for heavens sakes, she KNEW the laws regarding this behavior...

How are the girls taking this?

Stall on the D. The family needs to get used to the idea, especially the kiddos. Give everyone time to settle with the idea a D is coming. And let THEM do the paperwork and legwork...

I'm with Still on this.

Too crazy to file at their insistence. I understand you're ready to do it anyway, but if WH wants it for whatever surreptitious reason let him get it done. As much fun and justified as it would be to take OW's money and use it as you please, this would soil your otherwise pristine actions so far. Don't step into their cess pool.

As soon as their world totally colapses and their divorce motives change and he then decides he doesn't want or need one - you can still make the decision to do it from a cleaner start.

JMHO

WAT

[ January 19, 2005, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

Faith has had a five month rollercoster ride.

He wants the divorce filed, but not finailzed.

She wants off the rollercoster and to move on.

When she doesn't stop the divorce, moves on with her life, and is happy again, he will be left high and dry.

Serves him right!

Also, Pep has a grteat idea, use the money to pay bills. They want Faith to file, they can send more money. They are the reason she cannot pay all her bills, financial abandonment.

[ January 19, 2005, 09:24 AM: Message edited by: RAG ]

He continues to insult you with his ridiculous requests - this divorce thing is a shambles. He is trivialising your marriage. It is not a game, it is real life; your life and your daughters. I really hope you can break your addiction to this man. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I'm glad you read back over some of your previous posts - a timely reminder of the crap he has said and done.

I wish upon you strength and peace of mind. TT

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by worthatry:
As much fun and justified as it would be to take OW's money and use it as you please, this would soil your otherwise pristine actions so far. Don't step into their cess pool.<hr /></blockquote>WAT disagrees with me, as I knew he would.

I do not recommend accepting OW's $$ for "fun" nor for "justification" ... but because you really need it.

H wants her to send YOU money so you can file for a divorce that Dork says he does not want.... who's defrauding OW? Dork, not you. Unless OW calls you and requests that you only spend her $$ for filing fee.... then it is a gift, to do with as you see fit.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Pepperband:
WAT disagrees with me, as I knew he would.<hr /></blockquote>No you didn't!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
WAT
---------------
Leap and the net will appear.

YES I DID !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

OW trusts Dork too much.

Consequence of communicating $$ transfer through Dork instead of talking to FIM directly ... lost in translation.

A ~window~ if you will .... for OW to peek into her future if she marries Dork ---> OW's $$ will fly out the window because Dork has prior debts and obligations that she will assume if she stays with him.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Are you suggesting that I didn't think of that as the reason for my "disagreement"?

Nay, nay Grasshopper. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Pepperband:
 [QUOTE]

"I meant to, but the bills became a more pressing priority. Can she send $$ to me again? This time I promise I will use the $$ to file."

The reverse money babble sounds like a great plan to moi!!!

Pep <hr /></blockquote>Oh my, my, my.....this sounds perfectly reasonable to me and those of us not in fog land!
Reverse babble with the result of getting bills paid!

oops....double post!

[ January 19, 2005, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: picklesaresour ]

Hi, FIM.

I have probably missed something, but I have a concern.

Have you independently verified the military decision to pull clearances and court-martial the other woman?

Here is why I ask.

What if your husband were to get the meeting/informal hearing moved to a different date, then "play you" to continue with the divorce, only to be used against you in defense of his relationship with the other woman, at a later time.

I know this sounds contrived, but it is not without precedent.

Maybe I can't just put my finger on it, but my flags are flying.

You want to be done. No problem. Be done. Just delay making it legal or filing paperwork for at least a couple of weeks.

All the best,
Gimble

Hey FIM,

Listen up.... in my case I told the WS if he was going to play house, then his new roomie needed to cough up her share of his homewrecking. AFter all she said she was soooo rich and was going to make him soooo successful..... I thought, ok..... since this was soooo full orap, I'd make her put her supposed $$$$ where her trap was.

So I asked WS what his family was worth.... after throwing a few #,###,###.00s around..... he said priceless. That was the right thing to say so then RB kicked in big time. Told him I would give him a break and only ask for 1 mil. LOL!!! He gasped, said she wasn't that rich..... Oh I said....howz about $500K, surely she can afford that..... $$$ ##s flew down to 250k, 150k, 100k, 87k (why this #? )..... I had my reasons (she refied - LOL!!!)......50k....25k, all too high.... geeze what kind of rich OW was thia anyway?!?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Ok, will settle for 10k but now we are no longer priceless, he is CHEAP! Or somebody is CHEAP!!! Boy, I made my point..... OW was ready to whip out that checkbook at somewheres near 8k, I think.... it never went that far.... she had some $$ but I also showed she wasn't as rich as she alluded to and well....one thing not even the fog can do is change the color or amount of $$. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Came down to the fact that the WS didn't want t/b endebited to the OW. Geeze.... why not? He already lost his pants to her, why not sell out his family? That was my POV.

So while I was ready to take the $$ and run (to pay bills of course - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )...... WS couldn't do it. I scored a big hit in the fog an discipated the fog with a shotgun blast or more like a bomb. Once the air cleared, the OW no longer had that pedestal to stand on.... I knew where her $$ had come from.....she wasn't as great as she made out t/b. Neither was the A or WS for that matter.

As for the $$? If I was given cash (I said not check....told him I don't trust either of them, green stuff or no deal). LOL!!! I would have taken it with no regrets.

Just my own story.

L.

[ January 19, 2005, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]

I would let him do the dirty work. He wants to file, let him file. I know you want out, but don't be their servent. Let him do the work. If you have made the decision to move on, then move on, but let him do the work.

I wouldn't touch that money with a 10 foot pole-tainted money to buy you off. Let him find his own ride home to file. He hasn't given you a cent. If you do file, file for full custody. Oh my-he is going to be so sorry. I agree that this could be a ruse (sp?) to trick you so that he can "save the OW". He's crazy right now and will do anything. It is not the man you married, it is an alien-do not trust him.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by new jersey:
 If you do file, file for full custody. Oh my-he is going to be so sorry. <hr /></blockquote>The kids might be sorry too. FIM's not going to use them as pawns is she?

-AD

I don't think that would be using the kids as pawns - it would be doing what is best for them.

If she cares as much for her kids as we think she does - and as much as the rest of us care for ours - she'd be wise to keep them as far away from the adulterous relationship as possible. Acquiring full custody is the best way to do this. Then she can control when and where WH gets access. Will this protect the kids completely? Unfortunately, no. But if he cleans up his act, she can respond by allowing the interaction needed by a real father - and alternatively rejecting as much as possible the interaction from a lying make-believe father.

Isn't this pretty clear?

WAT

[ January 19, 2005, 06:17 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

He has left her with no money,He has not visited the kids on a regular basis-He has lied to them.

When he grows up maybe that can change, but I wouldn't want my kids to watch their father make a fool of himself and show them how to commit adultery and bring them to his place to hang out with the OW.

No, not pawns, just protection. I would much rather he woke up and came home. I didn't say no visits, I believe that FIM has her priorities straight and would never keep the kids from their dad. I just believe that she should be in control of the situation because he is not behaving like an adult. That would be very damaging to the kids, IMHO. No, not pawns, just someone who is able to watch over them. When he works thru his issues, then they can talk about it.

Let me clarify-he is going to be so sorry that he let FIM go, she is a gem and he will never find her equal.

[ January 19, 2005, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: new jersey ]

fim,

Please step back from all of this.

Don't react emotionally. Think what is best for your family, your marriage.

Taking money from ow is falling right in with what WS and ow want. Please think twice before you do this.

I would never take one penny from ow, REGARDLESS, of whatever the situation is. Don't go there fim.

Anyway, just my VHO.

Are you taking care of your girls and protecting them from all this?

Don't feed into your WS fogbabble. Let him borrow the money from ow and file for D if he wants. Do not play into their hands. DO NOT PLAY THAT GAME. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Please don't fall for this D thing. Let WS do it if he has to.

Protect yourself. And if I were me, I would send all of those emails on gov't time to ow superiors, and let the chips fall where they may.

Please don't help your WS out on this one. I would suggest a plan B at this time.

PS. YOU ARE WORTHY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I had written an update earlier...had answers to all the questions and advise...and the darn site goes down as I'm wrapping it up! I hate it when that happens!

I really, truly, sincerly appreciate all of the advice and encouragement that continues to come my way.

At this point..as it's getting late and I do want to get through this update in less than a gazillion words, I'm going to run through what I remember off the top of my head and get the rest tomorrow.

Ok. The two emails I sent have been effective. It would seem that sexually explicit emails on government time over government emails is considered a misuse of government resources.

Who would have guessed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

That coupled with the lies about where WH was, when the A started, knowing he was married and the irrefutable proof of the conversation she and I have had, well, it's just not looking good over on that end.

WH and OW pretty much buried themselves in this. It seems that the command WAS willing to try and deal with this without the disciple stuff like I had originally talked about. THat was largely based on the fact that they believed my reason for not wanting to escalate the situation for OW.

HOWEVER, based on WH's insistence that I am a crazed ex-wife who is willing to fake court documents and/or FORCE him into signing a dismissal AND that I will go to any lengths to mess with him, they seem to think it's too much of a risk to give me the benefit of the doubt.

Therefore, since I can't be trusted, they HAVE to fully investigate or they can get in trouble if I go to the IG and say nothing was done. They can't believe ME anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Man, I couldn't have scripted that one better.

Their lies buried them.

Now, I think the command wanted to anyway. But this gave them a perfect excuse.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As for the divorce, I'm sleeping on a final decision. There has been a lot of advise here and I am taking it all into account.

I am getting a divorce from him. That's not in question. I am pursing full custody. In Washington only parent is the custodial parent anyway. Normally parents split time and decision making equally though. I am filing for 100% responsibility for the time being.

That may change someday. But right now he has shown that his intersts and those of OW come before both me and his children. You don't lie to your kids to make things easier on yourself. He promises the world to them every time he sees them and then proceeds to let them down. He knows before he tells them that his actions will be contrary to what he says.

He isn't supporting them. He isn't choosing to spend his time with them. He is out for himself and my children deserve more than that.

My eight year old is seeing a doctor for anxiety starting next week and the 10 year old is showing serious signs of depression.

My one year old hears the phone ring and yells da da. He picks up the phone and says da da. We saw a phone in the store the other day and he says da da. He thinks a phone is da da.

His da da has been out of the military since August, since he was 8 months old! He's seen so little of his da da that he thinks the damn phone is called a da da.

That is WH's choice. Being the protector and the rock for my children is my choice. Okay...end of that rant.

Anyway. I don't know what I'm going to do about the money from OW.

The divorce...filing for it now...I know that WH is trying to pull a fast one. I know he did have the meeting with the command. I intercepted the message confirming the appointment to "clear up the stories from you, OW and your wife". As for what was said....that's all up for speculation in the end. I am pretty sure that they didn't suggest him filing for divorce right now to save his butt for an affair that has been going on since last March though.

I may not be the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but I'm not that dim either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So, I'm pretty set on filing tomorrow or Friday. This may sound really really bad, but I'm kind of looking forward to it. I feel like I am able to breathe again...fresh air, rather than the stagnant putrid air that has been hanging around.

It is a fresh start and one that is clean for me. I did what I could. I fought the fight.

In the end, I won too. I've got my integrity, my kids and a clear path to start out on.

I'm considering the money. That may simply be more of a gut reaction. I'm going to think about how I'll feel a year ago knowing she paid for my divorce or for a bill. By the way...I love the paying bills idea. How appropriate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think I'll be okay but I'm going to think some more. That's money I could spend on fixing my car (which was totaled last week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) or paying bills or even just going out for the night with some girlfriends.

Orchid - thank you for sharing that story! Your creativity never ceases to amaze me.

okay. I am tired and going to bed. I'm going to be sure and get back to this tomorrow and be sure I answered any questions. Thank you again to everyone who takes the time to read my LONG posts and help me through this mess. I couldn't be more blessed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FIM,

Good to see you on your feet and ready to move forward. I like that strength in you. We will be here when you need another dose. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As for the stories, well unfortunately some of them are true. Reality is often more scary than anything I can make up..... just gotta tell it like it was. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Looking back it is amazing most of us survived. The odds were always against us but evidently the support was and is of a higher source. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All the best.

L.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by faithinme:
 Therefore, since I can't be trusted, they HAVE to fully investigate or they can get in trouble if I go to the IG and say nothing was done. They can't believe ME anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Man, I couldn't have scripted that one better.

Their lies buried them.

Now, I think the command wanted to anyway. But this gave them a perfect excuse.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>BEAUTIFUL!!!! Absolutely perfect. Twisted around in an oh-so WS way.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by faithinme:
He thinks a phone is da da.<hr /></blockquote>...and very sad.

You know, FIM, I lost a chid. I will never for the life of me ever understand how any parent can turn their backs on their children. Maybe that is also the answer - "any parent" can't. Only fake parents.

WAT

FIM ... I have come to my senses and have reversed (sort-of) my position on OW's dirty money ... if you receive money in the form of a money order, donate it to a charity ... or put it in a bucket and piss on it.

Sorry .... this one feels personal to me for unknown reasons (I think I feel maternal toward you FIM, perhaps that's why) and I've lost my objectivity.

Pep

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Pepperband:
 ... or put it in a bucket and piss on it.<hr /></blockquote>(WAT wiping coffee off of screen) OMG! Very funny.

But why a bucket? Because it rhymes with.........

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by worthatry:
But why a bucket? <hr /></blockquote>Don't forget WAT, I've sailed on a transpac boat ... and girls have to have a bucket! I tried the funnel trick and it was a real mess ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep (wrong... and saying so to WAT)

I had forgotten about your bucketing expertise.

I have seen those, er, funnels and glad I don't need one!!

I'd like to here about the transpac sometime. I'll do mine in a more leisurely way to get some of that hot lamb Jen is saving for me and JL.

WAT

WAT, you've got mail.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I think he has pretty much emptied your love bank. Maybe you are ready to file and maybe you need to. Sometimes you really do have to set them free. I know he'll be back, but he needs to hit bottom, and he is pretty close. I can only imagine that the two of them are LBing each other like crazy. Yep, step back, file or not-only you know. I'd love for him to open his eyes, but only you know if it is too late. I cannot blame you for filing-even the Catholic Church is behind you-and we Catholics know that when they agree, there is great reason. God Bless-you can hold your head high-you have done all in your power and now it is up to a higher power to send you on a specific path. I firmly believe that when God closes a window, he does open a door. I wonder who will walk thru that door.

I know you may want to file anyway today, but a thought hit me. OW probably told him I'll give you the money and you file or I'm out of here. I'll bet she is finally catching on to his fence sitting and it is either file or she is thru. He's thinking he can stop the divorce in the future, and can keep her hooked at the same time. Just a thought.

WAT - I know I had read before that you lost a son. I can't imagine that pain. Life is so short and you really do have to take the opportunity to treasure each day you have with your loved ones, don't you? I can't imagine making the choice to be away from my children.

Pep - After thinking about it more, I too decided the money thing wasn't worth it. It sounds good and really might feel good at first, but I want nothing of her touching my life.

New Jersey - I think you're right about her giving an ultimatum. And that's fine with me.

I filed the papers today. I did it for me though, not for him or her.

This isn't going to get him out of any trouble <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Let's even try to give him the benefit of the doubt on that on and say it does.

I don't care. I turned over my information and the military can take care of them from here on out. What they do, they do. I won't cry if they both get nailed to the wall.

But even if for some reason they don't, I've come to the point that I don't want that in MY life. Their decisions were made almost a year ago when they started the A. They've continued to make their decisions. I have been living my life based around their decisions and their timeline.

Well, this is my timeline. If it helps or hurts them....uh...okay. That's them not me.

So, I'm feeling good about that. I'm not jumping up and down for joy or anything. It's still sad to see an eleven year marriage go. If anything, right now I feel indifferent. It's not changing my life in any way. I've lived as a single mom for the last year and a half. My H has been involved with another woman for the last 10 months anyway. I'm just stepping out of the situation.

double

doubled again

Sorry I couldn't get here sooner. I've been really busy.

Faith, I think that when you feel indifferent, you know that you have made the right decision. If there is any passion or feeling, then you need to take a step back and wait for you. I was being the devil's advocate, I believe that you need to do what is right for YOU.

It is good to get off of that terrible ride. They brought this on themselves. I believe that you are on to bigger and better things in life.

You have done your part and more. You can look your kids in the eye and tell them you tried EVERYTHING. You waited.

I know this story is not over yet. There is a great deal more to unfold, because you have now taken your life back, and dork is not going to like it.

You do what is best for YOU and the kids. God Bless and Hugs Honey. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Jersey Girl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

new jersey,

Thank you for the reply <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It was the indifference that let me know it was right.

The funny thing is that now that I've done it, Dork is calling very regularly and is STILL talking about coming back here to work on things (regardless of my telling him I'm not interested in that anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

He's now decided that he wants to come back here for a few days (friday to tuesday) because he misses me so much.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He's suddenly claiming to realize the choice he's made in only being with his son 2 months out of his entire life and missing out of his girls growing up.

And of course, he misses me SO much that he couldn't sleep the other night and felt like he was having a panic attack.

Whatever. I'm not even wasting the energy to talk back about any of this.

"Oh. Uh huh." That's about all I can give him. I can't find the desire to talk about it with him.

He's still in contact with OW although he tries to tell me every day how much they argue.

That's his life now though. That's the life he wanted. DORK!

Oh he is very typical. It takes hitting bottom. When they know you are letting go, they chase. He really is just feeling it because he was so sure you would be there, that it never crossed his mind that he could loose everything. He has really emptied your love bank.

I don't doubt for a moment that is is fighting with OW. Reality from exposure has hit. SHe is foolish and young and he is seeing that she just doesn't measure up to you. Oh well. Wait till he does come home and see the change in you.

Remember, we support whatever you decision. Expect nothing from him and you will be pleasantly surprised. Only you know what the right thing to do is. Hugs and tons of support to you. Jersey

oh goodness <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The Mothership has been called.

Alien Airlines will be delivering Dork, if he makes the flight, on Friday morning.

He left a message he was going to try and book a flight, I text messaged him that I would prefer he not. Before I sent that message, I checked his mileage account and he had not yet booked one.

Well, forty five minutes later I get a text that says "I already bought it. See you Friday. Love, WH"

The nerve!

I checked, and sure enough, he's scheduled.

Now, the chances of his making a 6 am flight are slim to none. He's NEVER made a flight before 9 am. Even the ones after 9 he usually manages to be late for!

So, he's going to be here from Friday to Tuesday.

Must be nice to take a little vacation from that hard life of unemployment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So....what happens when he arrives?

Noodle

Yeah, so what's the plan if/when he arrives, FiM?

Jo

I haven't really thought this all through yet.

What I know is this:

Friday he'll be needing to figure a way from the airport to the house. He wants to surprise the girls and pick them up from school so I figure that leaves me free for the evening. How he'll get here and how he'll get them from school is a mystery. My truck is totaled and the car I have will be in my possession.

<side note here..... someone at the school I work for was going to give a extra car they have to charity. They heard what happened to my car and offered it to me instead. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT ONE?!?>

If he does show up, he'll be staying here. He used frequent flyer miles to get here and I just don't have the money to pay for the hotel....or to let him pay for one when we can use the money. He stayed in the baby's room over Christmas and that worked fine.

Saturday is up in the air. I have plenty to do at work so that's where I'll probably be.

Sunday morning and early afternoon, I have an open house at the school I work for. Then Sunday night, I oversee the phon-a-thon for the school. Monday kicks off Catholic Schools Week, which is one of my busiest weeks at work. So, basically I plan on being scarce and letting him have the kids.

I'm also going to take this opportunity to have the divorce papers served on him. I've got a line of people a mile long just chompin' at the bit to be the one to serve him, so instead of spending the money to have him served in SAT, I can have it done for free here.

That's about it. I haven't talked with him about it at all other than to say I don't plan on being around. All he has to say to that is "Let's see how the week goes, honey."

(insert pukey guy here)

I told him, "I can tell you how it will go. You come, we have a great time. You enjoy being with me, with the kids, at your home, etc. You make all kinds of promises and say all the right things. OW calls and you sneak her into your day while trying to not let me know that you are doing it. THEN, when you leave, you find a way to divert your ticket through wherever OW is, get sick and have to stay a few days. All the while you'll tell me that you can't imagine your life without me, don't feel complete without your family and all the other lines that sound so good. You'll say your coming home as soon as possible and yet, that day will get farther and farther out and you'll come home for another few days at the next holiday. Then, repeat above."

I told him I'm just not interested in that. I advised him to change the ticket. I mentioned that all his coming here is going to do is iritate me, raise the girls hopes and tick off OW.

So, I'm going to think about my end strategy. I'm not sure what's going to happen when he gets here, other than I won't be around much.

Don't pick him up, and more important, don't let him in the house!

Another BW had her WH sleeping in a tent in the yard.

Repeat, don't let him in the house!

[ January 25, 2005, 08:07 AM: Message edited by: RAG ]

Hi Faith,

I know exactly what you are talking about. My H does the same thing.
He'll tell me and the children that he wants to come back home to live with us and then turns around after work and goes home to the OW and her children, while his are crying here for him. I got to say that he will, if at all, only email us or call us while he is at work and she is not around!

What is going on in these H's and father's heads? I sometimes wonder and I admire you for beeing so strict and strong with your decisions!
I wish I could be like that but I guess it'll take a little more time for me!

So take care and your spirits high

dakota

Me 39
H 34
OW 30
S10,D4
A startet 12/2003
I found out about A from OW's girlfriend 6/6/2004 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FIM ... since you are serving him with D papers....

Close your eyes and imagine POST DIVORCE times ... when Dork arrives to "visit his kids" (what a f'ing ugly phrase .... ugh)

Now visualize this post divorce future and decide where Dork will be put up for his "visits". If that place is Motel 6 .... he should stay there this visit too. He needs to taste his future as a parent who "visits". And you need to taste not having him intrude in on your life at his whim.

Pep

[ January 25, 2005, 08:36 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]

I agree with Pep.

I would not feed his delusions..and I would not make myself vulnerable to them by exposure.

If he is coming against your wishes..he can find his own means of doing so.

Noodle

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> side note here..... someone at the school I work for was going to give a extra car they have to charity. They heard what happened to my car and offered it to me instead. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT ONE?!?>
<hr /></blockquote>Providence, Faith. It's Providence.

I love you - you are also a lighthouse of strength for me!

I've got a tent I can send you. I'll bet it's super cold where you are.......(evil smiley inserted here)

FIM - In your jurisdiction, what legally binding terms - if any - get established when you file? I think I remember correctly that you do not have, or cannot get (because it isn't available to you), a legal separation that would have specified such things as visitation, access to the home, etc.

It seems that at some point in the divorce process issues like this have to be settled. If filing for divorce accomplisges this in your area, perhaps he needs to be served in SAT or when he gets off the plane?

WAT

FIM ~ I have followed your story and replied when I felt I had something to offer. I guess what I don't understand here is if you have filed for divorce, and are set on going through with it given all that you have been through, then why subject yourself and your children to yet another one of his 'visits'? The reality starts now. He should be served now, he should not be staying at the house attempting to play house and change your mind yet again...anything he choses to do is his responsibility not yours. What is in this for you and your kids? Are you still trying to show him what he is missing in the hopes he will come home? And what will you have if he does? If you are indeed going to do this then do it, don't just threaten him with it.

[ January 25, 2005, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: victoria farrar ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by victoria farrar:
If you are indeed going to do this, then do it don't just threaten him with it.<hr /></blockquote>EXactly!

Good post VF.

Pep

FIM - stop reading this reply. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by victoria farrar:
why subject yourself and your children to yet another one of his 'visits'?<hr /></blockquote>Vic - it's because she's not yet sure she wants a divorce, IMHO.

OK, FIM, start reading again.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

WAT

WAT, that may indeed be the case and if it is then why do it?

What I see is the same old song and dance that has been going on for how many months? FIM says go away and H says oh honey I am coming home. He comes, makes happy then goes off to OW again. Same thing happening again, FIM takes a stand, H calls and says I have booked a flight home, she says stay there and he is on his way anyway. He doesn't take anything she says seriously...and why should he when FIM welcomes him back every time he pulls this. I may not sound very MB at the moment, but part of that is also pointing out when people are caught up in repetitive behavior that has gotten them no where in the past and is likely to get them there again.

When does this endless cycle stop? When FIM finally puts her foot down on his shenanigans and lets him know she means what she says, backs it up with time and action...and lets him reap the seeds he has sown.

Sorry lemonman, if you are reading this, sort of wandering into your territory.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Vic - I agree. Full Monty.

FIM - keep in mind that we can't see your facial expressions, we can't hear your voice, we can't see your body language. We only read your words. I am not convinced.

I don't think you're certain about the divorce.

If you are, play hardball. Take no prisoners. All you have to gain is anxiety by allowing him into your home - unless you legally cannot prevent it.

WAT

okay, okay, okay already!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You're all correct.

I am rolling over on this. I told him not to come, I believe his coming is only going to disrupt the peace that I'm trying to build for me and the kids and I need to stop worrying about what he's going to do for a place to stay.

I'd like to believe I have a bit of a b*tch in me, and I certainly can. But, it really does go against my nature to not try and take care of people.

Hell, I even wanted to protect OW from her own actions!

But, I do need to take a stand here. I need to move forward and that is going to mean letting Dork figure this one out for himself. He's so smart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> that he outmanuevered me on coming here, he can be smart enough to find a place to stay.

As for the divorce, I do want it.

I don't know exactly how to put this, but I'll try. I do want it. I need it even more.

I don't desire it. I desired to try and fix my marriage. I desire to raise my children in a family with their father and mother. I desire to have a husband who wants to work on our marriage and to grow as a man, a husband and a father.

I know that what I desire isn't realistic.

I want a divorce because my desire can't happen by my will alone. I want a divorce because I need to move on. I want a divorce because I only have myself to blame if I give up what I want most (happiness and fullfillment)for what I want now (to not be divorced).

I need it because this isn't healthy for me or my kids.

So, I probably do need the kick in the pants and 2 x 4's to stay on track sometimes.

I was taking the easy route...short term easy anyway... by just letting him stay in the guest room and watching the kids while I'm out.

Long term though, that would just make things more difficult.

So, he can drag the tent out of the garage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , get a hotel or cancel his trip altogether.

I'm having him served when he gets here...absolutley.

There is nothing in the divorce papers that specifies his rights to be in the house. Since it is in both of our names and there is no restraining order....he may have a legal right to be there.

I don't think he'd push that one though.

I do need to get something drawn up for property division and all that fun stuff. The divorce petition simply says that it will be determined at a later date and/or by the court.

So, thank you for bringing me back down to earth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

...and sorry WAT...I even read your post. Curiosity and all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FIM

When I read your post about Dork coming home, I must admit that my heart sank. I thought...not again!...why is she letting him do this...again?

FIM, are you seeking to retrieve yourself from the damage being done by a sadly selfish man, or are you just trying to scare him into returning? Be honest with yourself - seriously honest. Because otherwise you will not be able to act with the strength that you need to show - for your children's sakes even more than yours.

You seem to have a busy weekend planned. So prsumably you had made arrangement for your children? Arrangements that they knew about and were comfortable with? But instead, without their agreement, they find themselves lumped for long periods, in their own home, with a man who has lied to them and betrayed them, a man who they must feel deeply uncertain about? He may be their father, they will still love him, but he is a source of pain and anxiety to them, and they must be protected from that. FIM, this is not a good thing to do to them.

There is nothing to be gained in allowing Dork anywhere near his family except under controlled conditions that protect the children. If he wants to see them, he can do it as the divorced dad you claim you want him to be. He can find a hotel to stay in. He can arrange a time to pick them up. He can have them for an agreed package of time. The children can be told gently that the relationship with their father must now be more formal and limited. Anything else is unfair to them.

FIM, he has had MANY chances. One more chance is not going to scatter the magic fairy dust. Showing him what he's missing is just...showing him what he can come back and experience whenever he likes.

[Edited to say: FIM, you posted while I was typing, so ignore (some) of the above. Good on ya, girl.]

TogetherAlone

[ January 25, 2005, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: TogetherAlone ]

TogetherAlone -

We were posting at the same time...

as I said, you're all right. I do appreciate the well deserved kick in the pants <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I hadn't planned to have the kids anywhere else. They were going to hang out with me at the school. It will be easier for me to have them with Dork though.

I'm going to make sure that time is specified and limited though. They are what concern me most with his visit. His leaving is always hard on them.

Faith -

I think you still have hope for your marriage, which is not a bad thing. But don't even worry about it - if he continues his previous behavior, you will get sick of him and not care any more.

Then you will be able to tell him to hit the road and mean it.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by TogetherAlone:
 FIM
You seem to have a busy weekend planned. So prsumably you had made arrangement for your children? Arrangements that they knew about and were comfortable with? But instead, without their agreement, they find themselves lumped for long periods, in their own home, with a man who has lied to them and betrayed them, a man who they must feel deeply uncertain about? He may be their father, they will still love him, but he is a source of pain and anxiety to them, and they must be protected from that. FIM, this is not a good thing to do to them.

There is nothing to be gained in allowing Dork anywhere near his family except under controlled conditions that protect the children. If he wants to see them, he can do it as the divorced dad you claim you want him to be. He can find a hotel to stay in. He can arrange a time to pick them up. He can have them for an agreed package of time. The children can be told gently that the relationship with their father must now be more formal and limited. Anything else is unfair to them.
<hr /></blockquote>Yes. This is what stands out for me. The children forced to spend a substantial amount of time with a man who has disrupted their very life, children who have exhibited emotionally some of the devastation that has been caused by him.

He may forever be their dad, but can we imagine how uncomfortable their encounter with him is going to be? And to be left with no other adult to lean on for support?

I would NOT allow him unsupervised or substantial amounts of time with the children. I would make arrangements for him to see them for a couple of hours at FIM's parents, or at the church or church school. Don't leave them emotionally vulnerable to someone who has not had them as his primary concern for months now.

It is expecting too much of them.

Your husband does not respect you. He doesn't respect your children. He has totally ignored your request and has made arrangements to DO WHAT HE WANTS WHEN HE WANTS IT *regardless* of YOUR desires/wishes. And YOU are accommodating his disrespect. Guest room, tent, hotel room - none of the above. You shouldn't care, you shouldn't assist. I would find pastor, priest or family member to supervise a short visit. Do not leave your children alone to deal with him, to "interact" with him. For *their* sake.

Draw the line, Faith. Stay the line. Don't sacrifice your children's mental/emotional health for a man who has no respect for you or his family.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I told him not to come, I believe his coming is only going to disrupt the peace that I'm trying to build for me and the kids and I need to stop worrying about what he's going to do <hr /></blockquote>FIM ~ if this is what you think/feel then under no circumstances let him do it. You have that control. This is not about doing what is easy; none of it is. You have to be the one to do what you know is right for you and your children.

Do you think leaving them with a man they really don't know or have had a relationship with is a good thing? What if he tells them that he is there to stay or to work on things with mom? How would that make them feel...or better yet what kind of signal is it sending to them when he leaves again with no word...that it is okay for your spouse to treat you that way?

You say that it is in your nature to care for people. That I can understand; I have been told for years that I am always taking in strays and trying to make things better...but sometimes being a caring person is standing your ground and allowing people to face the consequences of their actions ...saving them is not the same as caring about or for them.

I agree with Garmus. He may be lying to them the whole time only to break their little hearts. Maybe he could see them at your girlfriend's home? Or at the school?

All of his actions are what is pushing you in the direction of divorce, so I agree that he should be treated like that. Now, don't hurt me here, but I believe that if there were any chance for the marriage, love would need to be it's toughest and faith your strongest to not get sucked in. Show me the man who gets a job at home and moves back even if it means living in a tent and then I will believe him.

For now, serve him and treat him like the divorced man that his actions have said he is. If he wants his family, he is going to have to fight very hard-I mean tent in the back yard and begging for local work and just do a 360. I would not expect it (actually I do when he gets a taste of reality as the OW is LBing and he is staying at the motel 6 or homeless shelter or better yet, why not the church rectory!!).

Act the part of a woman serving him papers. You are no longer his keeper by his choice. Do not be an enabler to him. He needs to face the consequences of his actions and you must protect the kids at all cost from his lies and promises.

Again, I support whatever you need to do. Hugs-Jersey

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by new jersey:
 I agree with Garmus. He may be lying to them the whole time only to break their little hearts. Maybe he could see them at your girlfriend's home? Or at the school?

All of his actions are what is pushing you in the direction of divorce, so I agree that he should be treated like that. Now, don't hurt me here, but I believe that if there were any chance for the marriage, love would need to be it's toughest and faith your strongest to not get sucked in. Show me the man who gets a job at home and moves back even if it means living in a tent and then I will believe him.

For now, serve him and treat him like the divorced man that his actions have said he is. If he wants his family, he is going to have to fight very hard-I mean tent in the back yard and begging for local work and just do a 360. I would not expect it (actually I do when he gets a taste of reality as the OW is LBing and he is staying at the motel 6 or homeless shelter or better yet, why not the church rectory!!).

Act the part of a woman serving him papers. You are no longer his keeper by his choice. Do not be an enabler to him. He needs to face the consequences of his actions and you must protect the kids at all cost from his lies and promises.

Again, I support whatever you need to do. Hugs-Jersey <hr /></blockquote>NJ,

Just wanted you to know how much I appreciate HOW you put this info across. With the proper amount of strength and love. Excellent post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Please keep up the good support work.

All the best,
L.

FIM,

You have received excellent advice, but I feel compelled to add a post because of the strong similarities between your WH and mine.

If I could do anything differently the past 6 months it would be to take a firm stand with my WH. By "firm stand" I mean a 100% firm stand, no little exceptions. Let your WH face 100% of the consequences of his actions and do not assist him in any way, shape or form or this cycle may never be broken. For example, allowing him to sleep in a tent in your backyard sounds harsh, but it is still too much assistance. He should find his own accomodations somewhere else. He chose a path that he knew could lead to losing his family, and now he must experience the full impact of the consequences of that decision. Don't make the same mistake that I did.

God Bless

P.S. Consider reading the book "Tough Love" if you haven't already.

[ January 25, 2005, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: cuteIShot ]

Faith,

It took nearly an hour for me to read through this entire saga, and let me say:

Kudos to you, girl! YOU ROCK! You are sound like you are feeling strong!! I am brimming with pride for my gender just reading your posts!! I wish I had possessed half the balls you've got when I was dealing with my fence-sitting husband!!

Congratulations! You're truly standing up for yourself and your children! You are a role model!

You are the epitomy of an independent and strong woman. Your H is an idiot. If I were a man I'd snatch you up in a minute! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keep up the good work! We're so proud!

Very good points and advice. Thank you.

So, this is the skinny....

I've contacted the courthouse in SAT and they gave me the number to a process server who will be serving WH his papers tomorrow.

Contacted WH to let him know that he needs to find another place to stay.

I'll be talking with the girls to let them know that mom and dad are getting a divorce and dad won't be living with us.

The visit this weekend is supposed to be a surprise for them but I am going to let them know he's coming so they are prepared and know what is going on.

I told WH that I am telling them about the divorce and that under no circumstances is he to counter that. I did tell him that he can visit the kids at the house when I am there. I feel most comfortable with that since I don't trust my family to be in the same zip code with him let alone a confined area.

I feel confident that I can do this better than a friend or relative. I would rather be there to handle any situations myself. I am going to be sure to explain pretty clearly what's going on with the girls though. I want them understanding the situation. They're pretty smart cookies

It sucks that they have to deal with it though. At least this time they will know what's going on though.

My older daughter may choose to not see him anyway. I do know that she loves him and wants him home, but she also has quite a bit of anger towards him too. I won't make them see him if they don't want to.

When I told STBXH that he needed to find somewhere else and that seeing the kids would be limited, he started in on the whole, Just let me get back there so we can talk. I want to work on this. Blah blah blah.

Then he told me that he thinks I'm just acting out of anger and I'll regret this decision by tonight.

okey dokey.

I've been thinking about this all day and trying to figure out why I feel so stongly that I want the divorce yet have such a hard time taking all the concrete steps to live it.

I came up with a reason that I'm going to have to delve into a little more later but this is my original thought.

It's darn difficult to go from a Plan A mindset to anything else. I thought my Plan A was pretty good and I was very comfortable doing it. I put all of my energy, heart and soul into it. Being a giver, that was fairly easy.

Putting my foot down and maintaining my boundaries has been much more difficult. Once again, it's a personality thing but one I must overcome.

I should not have to be pushed to my limit to enforce my own boundaries with this. Really and truly, I see myself reliving my relationship with my mother.

That in and of itself should require serious counseling on my part!

So, this is rambling now and I'm off to try and put these thoughts in some order.

Faith - Rest up sweetie. Don't worry about all of this too much. Either your husband will step up to the plate, or he won't. It is good to protect your family, which does not include your WH at this point.

But believe me, when it is time for the big D - you won't have any doubts.

FIM

Well done, kid. I'm proud of you. Now hold on for dear life - I know how hard this is for you.

You see, hon, you have the same problems with boundaries that so many of us have (BS and WS alike). You're a good person - you're kind, loving, generous-spirited - and 'knowing' yourself to be Good is a large part of what defines you and gives you your identity. That's OK as long as you're not in conflict with others. But as soon as you enforce a boundary - as you just have - you ARE in conflict. And the standard defence someone uses against an unwelcome boundary enforcement is to tell the enforcer that you're BAD, that you're selfish, that you're mean-spirited, that you're unreasonable, that you're stupid, that you're inconsistent...yada, yada, yada. You see, they know that you are so uncomfortable with being viewed that way, you will try to move back into a place where you're on the high ground again.

Don't let him shake you, FIM. This is a standard response to the frustration of not getting his own way. He will use EVERYTHING he knows to get you off-balance - and he knows how to push your buttons pretty well, after all this time. Stand firm. Remind yourself that you have thought this through, that you are acting in the best interests of your children - that you are SOLID. Your goodness is still shining - it just can't reflect off the dark, ugly exterior of your H.

Don't let him make you feel like a bad person. That's your achilles heel, and his secret weapon.

TogetherAlone

Faith I remember you posting about your mother. I understand that you really grew up as the care taker in the family, raising your siblings, so it is natural for you to fall into this with your WS. That is why I picked the word enabler.

You are such a good person, that you would hurt yourself to help others. I am so glad that you realized this. Yep, the kids are the number one. I like the plan to see them at home and I think that it is correct to tell them that their father is coming. They don't need any surprizes from him.

He will bet angry with you because you are making him face his failures. He will not like this and will try to rewrite history and turn it on you. He will try to blame you for everything. Watch out and remember that the aliens still have him.

I love your plan. Keep up the good work. Remember, we are here for you-no matter what your choice is. Only you are living in the situation.

If he is serious, he will not return to SA or wherever. He will find a way to stay close to you and the kids and start looking for work. Those are the actions of a man who is trying to make a change. So don't fall for the sweet talk. You need to see actions. Remember, he did this, not you. I would continue the path you are on with the divorce. He would need to do some very fast talking and quick actions to even consider a change by you. Doesn't he have 6 mo. till it is finalized? Boy, I'd hate to be him right now. His worlds have collided and he is crashing and burning. Only he can pull himself out of the ashes. Hugs, love and lots of support to you-Jersey Girl

[ January 27, 2005, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: new jersey ]

It is Friday....I am sure you are going to be busy this weekend. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. I wonder if he made the flight. If he did, he's really scared. I am praying to God that he give you strength and that he point you in the direction you need to go. Hugsssss.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by new jersey:
 It is Friday....I am sure you are going to be busy this weekend. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. I wonder if he made the flight. If he did, he's really scared. I am praying to God that he give you strength and that he point you in the direction you need to go. Hugsssss. <hr /></blockquote>Thanks new jersey for thinking of me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He did make the flight.....the noon flight. He called to let me know he was in Houston and on his way to Seattle.

Two nights ago he called and asked me what it would take for me to not want the divorce. "How can we make this better?" I told him I wasn't interested in making it better, if he was talking about the marriage. But he persisted and asked over and over so I told him this.....

First..wouldn't dismiss my divorce petition and he couldn't live here in my house.

I would want to see him move back here and reestablish a relationship with his kids though.

He would need to seek individual counseling.

Naturally, he would need to break up with OW and find a way to prove no contact....by his actions.

He would need to find a job locally and stay with it. (this one upset him because he's never not worked before. But, I told him all I have to go on anymore are his current actions....so get a job and keep it and support your children)

If, at the end of the three month waiting period for a divorce, he had made vast improvements with his ACTIONS and was still in counseling, and I was willing to keep going, I would be willing to extend the divorce proceedings for another three months. (This would constitute a legal separation). During that time, we could date. We could go to couples counseling while he continued individual counseling.

Then, we'd see where we are at the end of that.

His response was, "Well, you don't ask for much do you."

THEN... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> well, if I start no contact with her on Friday, can I stay at the house. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I swear, I laughed at that. Let him know that there was no way he got to do that. "Why not?" he asked.

Well, because we are in the process of a divorce; a divorce that you asked for. You are going to be my EX husband and I don't think it's appropriate for you to stay with me. My home is my sanctuary and I don't feel comfortable having you in it anymore.

Then he accused me of being difficult <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and trying to keep him from the kids.

To which, I told him that I am making it difficult for him to make me feel uncomfortable.

no answer.

You're making it difficult for me to see the kids when I visit.

Me: It is difficult for you to see the kids when you live in Texas. I know that and it makes me sad that they miss out on being with you.

no answer.

So, can I see them at all.

Of course you can.

Conversations with him are odd.

I'm glad I have a lot to do.....oh yeah, he extended his stay until Wednesday.

Last I talked to him he didn't know where he was staying or how he was getting to where he doesn't know he is staying.

GOOD NEWS.........I GOT A CAR TODAY!!! The friend who said she was willing to give me one signed it over. So, I now have a Mercury Sable. It fits all my kids and gets me to work and to the grocery store. I'm pretty excited for that! The kids and I are going to Costco tonight!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FIM

He worked through the script and you were ready for him. Respect!

I know how tough this weekend is going to be. I know how much harder it has to be when he's actually with you in person, when he's with the children you made together. And he's a real talker, isn't he? He'll work you over every which way he can. He'll try everything to make you feel unreasonable, unloving, a bad mother, a fool. He knows it's worked before.

FIM, for both your sakes, stay strong.

My prayers are with you.

TogetherAlone

Oh! I second what TogetherAlone said and

YAY on the car!!!!!!

His response was, "Well, you don't ask for much do you."

Wow, the fog doesn't get much thicker than that, does it? Hang in there, I'm sure this weekend will be difficult but you have to do what is best for your children and you, not what he would like to have in his little fantasy world. (((Hugs)))

FIM,

I see he has taken several emotional slugs at you and you are still standing. His future is in question since he doesn't know who is picking him up , here he is staying and how he will get there? Hm..... not a good agenda.

You will have a loong week but know you have the endurance to survive.

Post when you can and know we are all sending our {{{{mb hugs of support}}} your way.

Aloha,
L.

Mrs. Faith - We are firmly in your corner and will help you through this. If you get weak, rely on us. You are doing quite well. Hang in there, girl.

FIM

Just another post of support for you and your efforts. You are awe inspiring!

(((((((((((((((((((((FIM)))))))))))))))))))

May the weekend be filled with FIM defogging WH at every turn. This may finally be the hard look at the "reality" he has created for himself that de-DORK's him back to the real world.

Best wishes,
SD

FIM,

I admire you for being so strong and standing so firm! Keep up the good work, it'll drive him nuts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Take care and have a great weekend!

dakotamoon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We're all thinking of you. He was just trying to stay up on that fence a little longer by pushing his way into the home. Good luck trying to keep him out of the door. He doesn't seem to like the fact that you took his cake away.

Hang in there. Whatever happens this weekend, he knows that you are getting stronger and that he is being replaced. You ARE doing it on your own and he is noticing. Got to go...crying kids!! Hugs

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by faithinme:
 But he persisted and asked over and over so I told him this.....

First..wouldn't dismiss my divorce petition and he couldn't live here in my house.

I would want to see him move back here and reestablish a relationship with his kids though.

He would need to seek individual counseling.

Naturally, he would need to break up with OW and find a way to prove no contact....by his actions.

He would need to find a job locally and stay with it. (this one upset him because he's never not worked before. But, I told him all I have to go on anymore are his current actions....so get a job and keep it and support your children)

If, at the end of the three month waiting period for a divorce, he had made vast improvements with his ACTIONS and was still in counseling, and I was willing to keep going, I would be willing to extend the divorce proceedings for another three months. (This would constitute a legal separation). During that time, we could date. We could go to couples counseling while he continued individual counseling.

Then, we'd see where we are at the end of that.

His response was, "Well, you don't ask for much do you."
<hr /></blockquote>OK, everyone knows I have a weird sense of humor. But this struck me as really funny. FIM, what are you THINKING? Gee, you want him to have a job, give up his OW, be a good father, and go to counseling? For three whole months? What do you think he is? Your husband?

I know this is a horrible situation, but his reaction to your request that he just do the right thing struck me as really funny. Such classic fog.

I guess he was expecting to hear something like this. Move back home, only see OW outside the home, do whatever you want...

Your're doing a fantastic job, FIM. May you have a very strong weekend. We're rooting for you.

Dobie

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Dobie:
 [QUOTE]I guess he was expecting to hear something like this. Move back home, only see OW outside the home, do whatever you want...<hr /></blockquote>Dobie, what a riot! Of course the thing that makes it so funny is it is likely true!

FiM, hope the weekend is going well. Hang tough lady, especially not letting him stay at the house. Look at it this way... in as little as three months you'll be divorced anyway and he won't be able to stay at the house then, would he? Consider this his trial run, practice, to see what his future really looks like. He can go to a hotel while he hunts for that local job and a place to stay on a more permanent basis while he woos his wife and kids back.

He's got some work to do.

~ Snow

ditto

Just thinking of you...(((hugs))).

Hope you are being good to yourself!

There are many folks on here thinking about you!

Me too! No news is good news...I think.

Come on FIM....thousands of your faithful followers are watiting for the next exciting episode!!!!

How did teh weekend go?

FIM,

I, at least, am worried.

Please stick your head up and say "hi" even if you're not ready to tell all.

-AD

I think he still may be there. He was supposed to leave Wed. right? It was her busy week at school too. Faith, did he stay? We'll only hit you with a 2X2 if he moved back in. We're not here to judge you. We'll only give you 100% support, but LM might hit you with a 2X6. Hugs-JG

I thought he was supposed to leave last night.

This being Friday, we might get an update this evening.

Ok FIM, I am trying to be patient and wait for an update.... but please humor this ol' MBer with even a short update......I have also been waiting for info from another company and losing my patience on that also. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How are you doing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Sorry! I didn't mean to not update in such a long time. Between work, home, kids and dork....it's been pretty crazy.

I'm about to take a hot shower and some sleeping pills....but this is the quick update....

Dork came and stayed in a hotel.

We did do stuff together with the kids.

I kept up my insistence about the divorce.....he kept his girlfriend. Go figure.

Everything was going well until today.

He left yesterday and now I'm feeling all needy again and hurt and devestated all over.

We just got off the phone and I all but begged him to tell me why, if he wants me and his family so bad, he is still not willing to give up the OW until he moves back.

The crazy thing is...I don't want him!!!! I want him to want me enough to break up with her though. I want him begging on his knees for me to come back to him. I want to have the OPTION to work on things....regardless of my desire.

Right now I feel like there is another huge hole in my chest and I can't stop crying. I can't catch my breath and I just want my kids to go away so I can be done with everything.

Did I mention I quit my job this week....a job I love.

Now, I have been intending to leave it for quite a while for a full time job.

But, did I mention I don't have a job waiting right now?

But, I walked in on Monday and gave my two weeks notice.

On top of that, one of my best friends, who works with me there and has been the absolute best supporter and a literal answer to many, many of my prayers...feels betrayed at my leaving. She has good reason..I can't deny that, but I don't take letting down those I love very well. We'll be fine. I know that. She's one of the greatest people I know and I know our friendship will be fine....but I hurt someone I love and I can't get that out of my head.

And then......let's see...I've yelled at my kids today....told one to just be quiet when she was upset that I was upset and then cried on the phone with the f-ing dork because I feel overwhelmed by it all.

NOW, HE is mad because.....hell, I don't even know why he's mad. Something about not listening to him and he can't even talk to me and he's so pissed he almost broke his phone. It seems like the reason is that I'm upset. Not sure though.

Until this morning, I really felt that everything was okay. I handled myself fine around him during the six days he was here....I held my personal ground and came to the conclusion that it's really not him I want....I want to win.

I also realized....I do win. Without him. Moving on is my own personal triumph.

But why, right now, do I just want everything to go away. Honestly, if it weren't for my kids...I would wish for a car to miss the light at an intersection and just end this crap.

I HATE the back and forth, strength then weakness, joy then pain, hope then despair.

I mean, really....does it all have to happen within the same 24 hour period? Life is great and grand with each of those....you can't have the joy without the sorrow.

But, damn it!!! I am just absolutely done with the joy never quite filling up the space that the sorrow has carved out. There's this little hole called "dork" in the bottom that lets all the joy out before it has a chance to fill up.

I know that I need to repair that hole. I need a whole bunch of 'whoop [censored]' to fill that hole.

I'm tired of working so hard to find the W.A. though. Some nights it just feels like there is an easier way out.

One day, when I'm past all of this, I am going to look back and bring out that can from a strong FIM place. I simply can't find the desire or the strength to get myself there anymore.

So, there's my woe is me story. Scary thing is that is a quick summary for me.

((( FIM )))

The suckage is huge. No doubt.

Pep

Thanks for the update. Was wondering if I had to call in the West Coast troops. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

From what you posted, it seems like you got hit with the same ol' stuff that happens each time there is contact with a WS. In your case, it was 6 days long so the effect w/b initially more devastating.

The good news is that your feelings right now are temporary. You will bounce back and be resillient. You have that to look forward to. You may even surprise yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Each future contact with the WS w/b less painful. This one was kinda new since physical contact had been a while.

Ok, enough analyzing..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Glad you are ok. Hm... .about the job and the kids? Could your actions be a result of the anger you have at the WS? Later when you have some simmer down time, will they still be valid actions? Just something to think about. ok?

Call this weekend if you need. I s/b home doing my fav year end work - TAXES YUCK!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I got free weekend calling so let me know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by faithinme:
I held my personal ground and came to the conclusion that it's really not him I want....I want to win.<hr /></blockquote>I think many here - me specifically - can identify with that. We want to be right. We crave that reassurance and finality that what we have been doing has been right and good - despite it not turning out the way we wanted.

While we were trying to salvage our marriages we had to honor the "Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?" credo.

Now we want to be right and it's hard to accept that we are without some signal from the WS.

It will come.

Time wounds all heels. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT

Yes, you will be feeling better in a few days. You quit your job, OK, you could get it back if you want to, but you were planning on selling the home and moving-right? Do you want to move closer to him?

Last week was very tough, give yourself a break. Your kids were no doubt upset by him. OK. We all scream from time to time.

He doesn't want a divorce, then why can't he get his butt back home-fence-sitter. The affair will implode in time. That is a given. Just keep your path.

Do what you have to and know that you will feel better. Something for sleep and an antidepressant would be very helpful for a while-talk to your doc. Sleep helps everything be better.

Maybe a new job is just what you need. About the timeing, you might want to reconsider since there is support at work. Sounds like you just want to run away from your life, but you have the kids and all that worry-he is being carefree, but you have to be the responsible one.

The kids will grow, you can always get a job. The dork will figure it out, you may not want him, but he will eventually get it. Again, one day at a time. It is not fair.

Keep your chin up. As doc phil said the other day, you are morning the man you thought he was, not the man he is. If you were going to choose a husband and his resume said-unemployed, cheater, abandoner of children, liar-is that the man you would choose to be your spouce? I doubt it. You are morning the man you wanted him to be, you are morning your hopes and dreams. Faith, you are such a wonderful person. You may not realize how young you still are (I wasn't even married at your age). There is a great big world out there. Cry, scream-get it out of your system. Embrace the sadness. It means you are alive and can feel. Someday you will be the support for someone else and you can use your experience. You will find happiness again-I can pretty much promise that. There was a time in my life longago that I thought I would never be happy again, but the human spirit is strong, you are strong and will never accept anything less than you had before.

Make plans for you and the kids. You need something to look foward to. Maybe plan on a new career. Maybe go back to school. Maybe just a daytrip downtown. I am so sorry for your pain. We love you. JG

FIM,
To get over the emotional valley, take a lot of long walks during time permitted in your schedule. Meditate on the positive aspects of your situation to the timing of your feet (4/4). Be careful crossing the street though (look both ways each time!).
I suspect you gave notice on the job since the part time pay isn't cutting it now that you are solely supporting the family. Yes, you love the job but need more funds. Giving two weeks will allow you to get balance emotionally again, focus on a full time job which will handle your bills and get you out of your comfort zone of a familiar p/t job. Tell your friend you DO adore her and dread leavig BUT you have to take the job seeking bull by the horns and get a good, breadwinner one RIGHT NOW! Perhaps the school could find a way to up you to full time (another position, etc)
You are in a place of power right now. Even though you are on the rollercoaster of feelings after seeing your H, you are taking steps to go up to the next level of functioning fully as a woman in charge of things. (ugh, if only it weren't so painful and is probably some of your trigger for despair right now)
Grow strong in spirit for handling what needs to be handled, look to your children for clarity, take long walks, be careful with your safety.
We DO love you here a lot!

I am wishing you luck in finding a new job, one that will be all that you need. Hugs-JG

Are you doing alright? Hope things are starting to go your way.

A few days ago I had updated and when I tried to post it *poof* it went into cyber-no-mans-land.

I really was strengthened by each response though.

I woke up the day after posting and just knew things were going to be better. Each time something like that happens I come out stronger and more dedicated to my personal recovery.

I have good news on the job front. After quitting the job I now have (and yes...I realize I was running) I have come across a dream job. I'm trying to get in as a title rep. for one of a few local companies. The base salary is good, I get commission on top of that and the hours are fairly flexible. Good money, flexibility and the opportunity to do something new and challenging.

Just what I am looking for!! So, I'm very encouraged with that.

I've had quite a few personal breakthroughs with this divorce crapola.

I truly realize I am winning by moving on. What does this man have to offer? While he was home I had asked him how many times he had cheated on me that I didn't know about. Well, all he would admit to was a girl that he worked with 7 years ago that he kissed and made out with a few times. Well, let's see....let me think....yep, that's cheatin' to me! If that's what he admitted to, there's more.

For so long, I looked at the man who I thought of as my husband as the 'real' man he was. I thought the cheating early on in our marriage and even during this deployment was the "bad" side that wasn't really him.

But you know what, I think the "unreal" part of him was the man he seemed to be for the good parts of our marriage.

I am 32 years old. I'm intelligent, I'm fun, I'm honest and loyal and damn it, I'm a fairly good catch....even with three kids!

I have been afraid. I've been afraid of being alone, afraid of failing, afraid of losing, afraid of the future.

But I've been alone for a year and a half. My marriage has failed...I haven't failed. I'm only losing if I allow my definition of winning to include a life with a cheating husband. And my future is what I am willing to make it.

Seems to me that I'm afraid of being afraid.

I read something today that summed up what I had come to realize in the last few days.

From How to Survive the Loss of a Love:

When we label an emotion "fear," we tend to back away from the action causing the fear (basically, anything new)
If we label the same emotion "excitement" or "adventure," we have the energy to move into the new activity with renewed vigor and enthusiasm.
Fear is the energy to do your best in a new situation.
There is no need to "get rid of" fear. WE need only reprogram our attitude toward fear. If we treat it as a friend, it makes a great companion on our explorations into the new.

I loved this! How true. Okay. So I'm afraid. I'd be stupid not to be. What is going to define me and who I become is not the fact that I'm afraid of stepping into something new; it's how I deal with and react to that fear.

When I was thinking of fear it made me think of scary movies. I hate them. That thought led to thinking about dumb chicks in movies.

I can be the idiot woman, in heels, running through the woods, tripping over every dang branch in sight before running into a shack with one door. (okay...the scared, divorcing cheated on wife who runs around too afraid to stay and too afraid to leave)

....or, I can be the kick butt heroine who looks at the odds, sees that they may be against her, but goes out to kick alien butt and save the planet anyway....because sitting back crying about it isn't going to accomplish saving ANYONE'S butt...and a sexy heroine is always better than a dead chopped up chick in heels.

whoa. I'm going to need to get some sleep tonight apparently. If you read that far, and understood it at all...well, to summarize, I'm on the upswing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'd better get the kids to bed and try for some shut eye.

Thank you again to everyone who does so much to keep me...and others...going. MB is blessed with wonderful people and I count myself as one of the lucky to have experienced the care, 2 x 4's and love here.

good night.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Very proud of you!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Ditto

Thank you, ladies <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm feeling a bit proud too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now, if I could just get to sleep...I might be still feeling good tomorrow too!

Now the unproven warrior sits curbside wondering how his craftily defined plan to rule the world with nothing more than a stick and a smile has failed.

:-)

You da bomb FIM.

Gimble

Fim, what's happening with CO, OW's job... ?

... (double)

[ February 09, 2005, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]

Gimble - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...a stick and a smile. I love it!!!!

Belonging to Nowhere - I have no idea what's going on. I haven't even asked.

Last I heard, she was being taken back to SAT. For all I know, they talked their way around things. It would surprise me considering the emails, but I don't know.

I haven't looked through their emails, checked her credit card accounts or bank accounts, monitored his phone minutes or anything like that in a while.

I don't care.

It seems like I wasted a good amount of energy on that hideous relationship for too long.

It doesn't get any more from me,

Excellent plan FIM,

You sound so strong. Now get those girls talking to someone...WH didn't just leave you, he left them too, and there is a strong message that speaks to a young girl when her father leaves her like your WH has...

Have you talked with MIL and BIL lately...to let them know where you are, what the family will be like, your realtionship with them in the future...

thanks--i needed that---im tossing out all the hee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ls as we speak.....we'll maybe i'll keep the real purdy ones....lol

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by nikko:
 thanks--i needed that---im tossing out all the hee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ls as we speak.....we'll maybe i'll keep the real purdy ones....lol <hr /></blockquote>You don't have to throw them out....just PLEASE, if you're being chased through the woods by a homicidal maniac....for heavens sake....TAKE THEM OFF! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

StillHereMakingIt,

I haven't talked to MIL yet about the specifics. I've let her know I have filed for divorce. She has been wonderful and supportive and made sure to let me know it changes nothing between us. I really am blessed with her in my life.

I am getting the girls into counseling as soon as possible. I think the back and forth of the last few months has been very hard on them, but at the same time, the finality of this is also going to be hard.

It sucks for them. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Congratulations on the new job. It sounds perfect. He failed, not you. You can only change yourself, not other people. You cannot force him to behave, you can only set limits for yourself and the kids. What he has been doing is very damaging to the children and to you and your marriage. He is thinking only of his happiness, his wants and needs. He is not thinking of his children or you. Yes, this is actually going to be better for you than the last year and a half. You have the law on your side, your know where you are going, and he knows what to do if he wants to follow and TRY to win his family back.

Faith, I wasn't even married at your age, there are many single good guys out there, but really, you don't need anyone. I wonder what your H would think of the new man in your life someday, the one that your son will call dad and your daughters will love. Really though, you don't ever have to marry again if you don't want to. You have a new career, you have your kids and it sounds like you have friends. I don't think you can run fast enough to escape though, you are too good a catch.

Dork will be sorry, of that I am sure. I also know that his relationship with the OW is soon to be ending if not already. It is doomed.

You are growing as a person. I saw the flick the withches of eastwick the other night, there is a scene where Jack N. talks about women who divorce, how they bloom. That is you. He says that men only bloom in marriage, how true.

Hugs to you. Keep up the good work.

[ February 10, 2005, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: new jersey ]