.... and it just keeps coming <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I called WH to let him know about the car this morning and after some sympathy and advise, he goes back to the whole CO thing.

He cracks me up!

Then, he says he's going to call him mom to see if she can help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He said that he had a message from her and she sounded upset.
Really <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He asked if she knows he is still in Phoenix. I told him, "Yes. She does."

Well, now I am making it difficult for him to ask her for help. He's afraid he looks like a "schmuck".....because I told her.

NOT BECAUSE HE'S THERE...because I told her. I just bit my tongue...mostly. I said that I see how he would see it that way...that he looks like a schmuck. I asked how it would be any different if she didn't know. She wouldn't see him as a schmuck, but would that change the action that makes him look that way?

Anyway, I got a call from the first sergeant who talked with OW last night.

It seems that he called her on her cell at home. Asked her about the A and she admitted to enough of it that they have full grounds to start an investigation on her own words. He asked me where WH is RIGHT NOW and I told him that he is in Phoenix with her. Oops.

She told him WH left last week and is SAT right now. First sergeant seems to have an aversion to being lied to and said that if he finds proof, he is starting an investigation immediatley regardless of the captains promise to me. As it turns out, he is also twice divorced....due to unfaithful wives. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He's not exactly sympathetic to them.

I just told him I don't have anything left to say on that matter right now then.

He said the same thing that Chris said too. She already had the affair. Getting divorced right now doesn't help anyone. He told me what that particular conversation was about. OW is firmly of the opinion that WH has been trying to divorce me since July. She doesn't believe he dismissed the divorce and thinks that he is only trying to work on things for the sake of our kids. She TOLD him that. He asked me if I knew if she knew he was married when they started the A. So I wonder if she said she didn't know. I let him know that I have letters stating that she "knew he was married when this whole thing started". That lying thing again...not good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anywhoo...he wanted proof of the divorce having EVER been started. I told him that yes, WH filed for divorce in July and that their A started in March...have proof of that too. However, he was surprised to find out that WH had the divorce proceedings dismissed the day before he left to meet OW in LA....oh, and he remembers her taking THAT leave because she ended up in trouble for coming back late.

So, he asked me to fax the order for dismissal. He gets the impression that WH is telling her one thing and me another....YOU THINK?!!

He wants to show it to her and say, "He's playing you both!! Wake up!!"

We did come to odds over the official investigation thing. He said he has a hard time putting his career on the line on the word of a stranger. Both he and the CO can get in trouble for not pursuing an investigation...they can lose their jobs. If I freak out and go to the IG over this and say they didn't do anything, they are screwed. I explained to him that I understand and that I appreciate his talking to me about that concern. I told him the reasons for wanting to allow them the opportunity to do the right thing. Her age, maturity, my WH income, etc. He said he would prefer to just get her out of the military and let her deal with the situation, but he would go along with my wishes. I in turn told him that if I want to see this pursued, I would call him and the Captain first. I told him I was impressed with their response and considered this a huge concession and favor to me. So, I think that's good for now.

SHE is going to get reamed by him though...maybe not in an official capacity yet....but it's gonna happen.

He asked me what I would wish for if I could have anything when I woke up tomorrow regarding this situation.

I told him that other than making this whole thing go away, I would want the A ended and WH home willing to at least work on our marriage.

He said, "Well, let's see what we can do to make that happen."

I can't wait to see this one unfold.

It almost makes up for the hit and run on my uninsured truck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

FIM,

This brought tears to my eyes. I'm very happy to see that there are concerned people in the military who DO take those things seriously. I think that OW has been lying just as much as your WH does.

Even if she didn't know that he was married at first (which she DID, since you have proof), once she found out, she should have kicked him to the curb. She has no business fooling around with a married man that has three children.

Your WH seriously needs a wake-up call; this is not HS anymore. He fathered three children and it's time to act like a man, a husband and most importantly a FATHER.

I hope and pray for you that this may be his wake-up call.

You did well, FIM!

Kati

Shouldn't you just let the military folks make their own decisions under their own system? Let it play out naturally? I don't see how this can, or should, be manipulated to help your own marriage. That, as always, is your WH's decision. Please don't set yourself up for further disappointment.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tmmx:
<strong> Shouldn't you just let the military folks make their own decisions under their own system? Let it play out naturally? I don't see how this can, or should, be manipulated to help your own marriage. That, as always, is your WH's decision. Please don't set yourself up for further disappointment. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I certainly see your point, but I honestly believe this is the best route for me. I prefer to give her the opportunity to salvage her career and future. I've been told I'm being too nice and she would only be getting what she deserves. That's true. But I have to live with me.

This is a 22 year old girl. Yes, she's a United States soldier and an adult, but my goodness! We are talking serious consequences.

Now, there are serious consequences that my family is having to live with due to this crap. I just can't sink to that level. I have no problem pursing every avenue if this doesn't end the affair. BUT I will have given her the opportunity to save herself. I will feel better about that.

Now, her S. called and asked me to fax the paperwork I have proving the divorce was filed and then cancelled.

During that conversation he reassured me they would not take any disciplary action at this time.

HOWEVER, he told me they are going to yell at her a bit and let her know in no uncertain terms that she:

will NOT see him again
will NOT talk to him again
will NOT in any way communicate with him again

or she will be opening her own casket.

They are going to let her know that the only thing saving her at this moment is my desire to not see her throw her future away.

If she does any of those things, it is out of my hands and they will pursue action against her themselves.

SO, that's where that stands.

Again, I'd love to be there for that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They are going to let her know that the only thing saving her at this moment is my desire to not see her throw her future away. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Which I guess should also lay to rest any claims she may have heard about what a horrible person you are and that's why your H is cheating to begin with. Becuase his W is such a terrible woman and doesn't understand anything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm looking forward to seeing how this one ends up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tmmx:
<strong> Shouldn't you just let the military folks make their own decisions under their own system? Let it play out naturally? I don't see how this can, or should, be manipulated to help your own marriage. That, as always, is your WH's decision. Please don't set yourself up for further disappointment. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1000% AGREED.

Faith, I luv ya babe, and I know you have your reasons but you obviously will not stop at anything to get your man back. I will never understand why in the hell you would want him back under these pretenses ? I just don't get it. Don't you want him to come back under his own free will and volition? Hey, whatever you feel, just do it, but I am gonna admit, this all makes me sad (not that this matters), but you have certainly set yourself up to die another death here, as if you and your children haven't suffered enough from your husband.

I know you know what you are doing, but I can't imagine what your children will do WHEN he comes back and leaves yet again. Your WH is a serial cheater, a man who has done this MANY TIMES. You and I both know these people (people like your WH) have a very difficult (if not impossible) time changing, and it is usually a severe struggle. I do not think this will be the catalyst to get him to "change" by doing this. I find it crazy that people keep saying, "I hope this is his wake up call".....HELLO.....HELLO !!!!!!!! Wake up call...wake up call should have been 6 months ago. Ok, rant over. I now will put my 2' x 4 ' back in the box for safe keeping. You know that I hope the best for you, I really do, and none of what I say is out of spite. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, this is a support board, so I am hoping the best for you and your children. Beware Faith what you wish for, you may just get it.

Good luck.

LM

I'm guessing the unproven warrior is scrambling because he never told OW the D was withdrawn, and now he's got to make it seem like he has been D all this time...

Also, what are the consequences WH is facing? What ever happened to that job in SAT? Does it exist? Or was this all a ruse? (my guess)

He sounds like he's been promising SOooo much to so many people (you, OW, MIL) that he's having a hard time keeping track, and wants to make EVERYONE happy...or at least himself.

I agree with tmmx and lemonman (again)...

They would (your H and OW) die soon without this!

Moreover, SHE is the least problem in your M...

I 'know' you just from your posts of course, but it seemed to me you have (same with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) strong ego, vanity, pride (among other amazing epithets)... and if he gets back to you after this, are you sure you'd be pleased/happy with that way...?

If I'm wrong and the goal is all that matters, then you did a great job...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
Side note here...... to everyone who suggested that I do this a long time ago. You were right.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exposure, one of MB principles, so forced to be applied here, is applicable just to particular cases, not to all!... otherwise, % of saved MB marriages would be much much higher... the same with % of happily recovered ones...

<small>[ January 13, 2005, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
You and I both know these people (people like your WH) have a very difficult (if not impossible) time changing, and it is usually a severe struggle. I do not think this will be the catalyst to get him to "change" by doing this. I find it crazy that people keep saying, "I hope this is his wake up call".....HELLO.....HELLO !!!!!!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely
He'll eventually settle down, but when he decides and on his terms...

With these kind of guys women have two choices:
- leave them or accept them
(cannot think of the third option <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , but just recalled a story of my Xco-worker a long time ago, four kids, married to a cheater&drunken for 7-8 years... she left him and all of us told her - please try again (I was young at the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> to know better)... her answer was: "If I still love him and am alone in 5, 10 or 50 years and he's changed, we'll get back together." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong> So, he's going to start a divorce just to help OW/child out</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Faith:

As an aside, did I miss something here? IS this his child or hers from another man ? I am just a little confused.

LM

lemonman, she's referring to the OW as a child

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by aislinn:
<strong> lemonman, she's referring to the OW as a child </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , My bad....thanks for clearing that up.

Seems to me though, child or no child...too much emphasis is on the OW........She has NO ROLE in this marriage destructing for FIM....this is all on her WH. I think FIM being the fighter she is will eventually get her WH back to her home, I really do. Anyone who would do what she is now doing inspite of everything that he has done to her and her children will not lose this fight for "her man". Like I said before, "be careful what you wish for...you just may get it". The best thing that can happen to the OW is being severely reprimanded by the Army and perhaps being discharged and having Faith's husband be shipped back to Faith and reconcile with her. The OW is young and can still make a life for herself.

Faith, you should be commended in the end for saving the OW from your husband. You are truly changing this OW's life for the greater good. Whatever your motives are, it doesn't matter. The OW will someday owe you her life, and I do really mean this.

As Dealan said, you do rock girl. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

Faith, there are a few people on this board who I want so badly to dump their husband. I know I have no business to say this but yours is one of them. I just can't get over the things he has done and said to your daughters.

Your perspective of OW as a child is wrong in my opinion. Young, yes, child no. It is possible he is the first big love of her life (more the fool her). But it makes me wonder. Did you do something foolish when you were in your teens/ early twenties. Something you look back on now that you are (a bit) older and wiser and you regret. Is that why you want to give her a chance? TT

Faith,

This is a little off the topic, but if the command continues to do an excellent job of handling this, I'm thinking maybe a note to your Congressperson telling them that the CO and 1SG handled a personal matter for you in an exemplary fashion might be in order. From what I'm hearing, they're doing exactly what they should and I wish more commands were that receptive. Other military types here may be able to give you an opinion on that. I don't know if I've ever heard of a positive Congressional inquiry, but I think I'd like to see one.

Also, stop taking responsibility for OW's career. She chose to take part in destroying a family. She knew that the military is against such actions. Let her be an adult and face up to her own consequences, whatever they may be.

Dobie

Gone for a day and see what happens!! Faith-you are my hero. I am speechless. You go girl. Jersey

WS will come to his senses-reality bites.

FIM....

You are probably missing part of the story.

The following is my guess

BEFORE you called the CO he suspected that something was amiss ....

OW's CO has not been impressed with OW's work recently, for several months in fact. OW has been absent more than usual of late. OW has been on the phone too much at work. OW seems distracted and prone to errors.

I betcha CO has been keeping an eye on her before you called.

It is MOST distracting to be having an affair with a MM with 3 kids who's wife is too mean to give him a fast divorce. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> And OW has probably been fairly lax at work while going through her rollercoaster ride with MM and his myriad of problems.

When I visualize your WH right now ... I visualize him having dozens of strings attached to his backside , and every string has a different sized tin can tied to it. And he's dragging these tin cans with him everywhere he goes. When he is with OW she hears this cacophony and she can't quite figure out where all this damn noise is coming from. And it's distracting her so much she is not a very good employee.

Just a thought. Her CO may be on her case already, for poor job performance.

Pep

<small>[ January 14, 2005, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Good job, Faith. Please encourage others here to expose early and often!

Faith said about NOT going for the jugular: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is a 22 year old girl. Yes, she's a United States soldier and an adult, but my goodness! We are talking serious consequences. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, you, me, and other Yanks on this forum are US tax payers and rely on our military. She's in some sort of intelligence role, right? Well, I don't want her protecting me. I don't think she passes muster for a security clearance in that she is not "reliable and trustworthy" - the key to granting a security clearance. I don't want any of my tax dollars being spent on keeping her employed in the military or any other job on my dime.

Cut her loose. Go for the full military Monty. It may be the best thing you could possibly do for her. She's young and has an opportunity to learn from her mistakes and recover. Please do not deny her this life experience.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:

p.s. I am retired military and currently work with the military, so I do know a bit about this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've admired you for a long time Chris, now I understand why !!!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I so agree. Every action has consequences. If she is old enough to have an affair, then she is old enough to pay the consequences. I don't want someone else's 22 year old to die because she was asleep at the wheel. It is time for her to pay. She might learn a great big lesson.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by new jersey:
<strong> I so agree. Every action has consequences. If she is old enough to have an affair, then she is old enough to pay the consequences. I don't want someone else's 22 year old to die because she was asleep at the wheel. It is time for her to pay. She might learn a great big lesson. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree completely. FIM is saving this young girls life and she doesn't even know it. Having FIM's WH come back to FIM to try and "recover" is the best thing that could ever happen to the OW. FIM will have spared her a lifetime of pain and suffering. If dishonorable discharge (I doubt this though) is the price she has to pay for this, it will still be worth it.

Once again, I agree with all, kudos to Faith for doing this. SHe may get her WH back and save an OW life at the same time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM