</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> Cut her loose. Go for the full military Monty. It may be the best thing you could possibly do for her. She's young and has an opportunity to learn from her mistakes and recover. Please do not deny her this life experience.

WAT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am in complete agreement with WAT's and others' assessments on this. She has dug her own grave and is now hovering over it. If she falls in, it is by her own foolishness and nothing that you have done.

Let her fall. Let her learn one of life's most necessary lessons: every one of us is responsible for our own actions. If she gets booted out of the military, she can't even blame dork because it was her choice to engage in the affair.

Hey, FiM, didn't you already fax her the thingy that showed the divorce action was jointly set aside? That's bouncing around in my head. Anyway, sure hope the S shares your documents with her and can make her open her eyes. Maybe then she'll kick Dork to the curb.

But then he'll come home. And FiM, that is when it can get really hard. Like Lemonman said, you just might get what you wish for only to find that it isn't what you want at all.

All in all, I am glad to hear of these developments. Stay strong.

~ Snow

Wow FIM- You Go Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have way more compassion then I'd have for this girl........but that's also an admirable quality.


-Caren

Faith - I admire you for your compassion for this girl. She IS very young and has likely fallen for your WH's lies - that the marriage was already over, it has nothing to do with her, blah, blah, blah.

She now has the opportunity to do the right thing. If she does not do it, then let her face the consequences.

I agree with the others...WAT, Pep, LM...et al that said to go ahead and let her face the consequences. (She has not spared you at all.) Facing the consequences could be a very good life lesson for OW....however painful.

I tend to think you are letting you WH guilt you into wanting to go easy on OW....and him. I thought that after Nov. 17th (or so) was when it didn't matter if you turned them it for your WH because he would already be discharged. Would they actually change his discharge or cancel his security clearance because of this?

Don't ya just hate it when you write a long post, hit add reply and it goes *poof* into cyber lala land? I DO!

This may be very random as I have already written all this..but here it goes.

Thank you to everyone for your advise, insight and encouragement....even if it's to leave WH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you do something foolish when you were in your teens/ early twenties. Something you look back on now that you are (a bit) older and wiser and you regret. Is that why you want to give her a chance? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I don't think it's so much that I did anything that I REGRET, but I realize now, in a way I didn't understand then, that each and every choice I made has long lasting consequences.

For example, I screwed off my last year off high school. Looking back, I wish I would have applied myself better. After I graduated, I got myself a boyfriend and put off going to my college classes. I never did finish. Although it hasn't hindered me in the career paths I have chosen, I do wish I had the foresight to put things into perspective.

So, yeah, I guess I actually am applying something from my past here. GOOD CALL, tummytuck!! I guess I hadn't connected those dots until just now. Maybe that post disappeared for a reason.

Pep - I think you are probably right. Her CO did comment that he remembered her taking leave in October (when she flew to LA to meet him on his way to SAT) because someone got in trouble for approving it and she was 3 days late getting back. I had the feeling he wasn't very happy with her.

To all who encourage letting her experience "the fully military Monty (a WAT quote <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).... you're right. She should have the chance to experience it. And it sounds like she will. It looks like she and WH have earned themselves their DUNCE hats and are going to try and lie their way out.

It's in their hands now.

WH is still saying he wants to come home and work on our marriage for the next 6 months.

He's still saying he doesn't want a divorce...even if he HAS to start one to save his own butt...and hers. (Yeah, he's still trying to say that might help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

He's still telling me he's going to break up with her and devote himself to our family.

And he still says he is selling the trailer and moving back here as soon as possible.

So basically, he's still lying through his teeth.

I am done protecting them at this point and will cooperate in any way asked of me.

Oh..earlier someone made the comment that OW is not the problem in our marriage. I do know that. OW is not even the problem when it comes to the A. WH is. However, she does provide an avenue for ending the A.

SH put it perfectly when he gave WH this analogy when WH was saying he didn't see why he had to end the A right now when there are so many problems that we need to address in our marriage first. (I know....a true Dork statement)

He said that if he's a doctor and working in the ER when he gets a patient who has cancer and is bleeding to death, he doesn't care a bit about the cancer.

The cancer is irrelevant as long as the patient is bleeding to death. You have to stop the bleeding to ever have a chance to deal with the cancer.

The A has to stop before any issue in the marriage can even be looked at, let alone dealt with.

In this case, I'm at the point where I need the A to end before I even make a decision as to what I want.

SH pointed out something else to me. It's very possible that what drives me in this is my fiercly competitive nature. Someone pointed out that I've got a streak of pride and a bit of vanity. Yeah. I guess I do.

I hate to admit it because it's certainly not one of my better sides, but if this marriage ends, I want to be the one to end it.

THat's a whole 'nother twenty minutes of writing though. I've got to go watch a movie with my kids.....they're so sweet!

Have a nice night.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
It's very possible that what drives me in this is my fiercly competitive nature.
---
I hate to admit it because it's certainly not one of my better sides, but if this marriage ends, I want to be the one to end it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Someone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> had felt but forgot to add: wish to have control too (quite recognizing herself in some issues... )

She likes FIM's sig-line... should be read more often <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Belonging to Nowhere:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
It's very possible that what drives me in this is my fiercly competitive nature.
---
I hate to admit it because it's certainly not one of my better sides, but if this marriage ends, I want to be the one to end it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Someone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> had felt but forgot to add: wish to have control too (quite recognizing herself in some issues... )

She likes FIM's sig-line... should be read more often <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SOMEONE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> is very insightful. You know, I can't tell you how many times I looked through this thread to find that post and couldn't find it! I began to think it was on a different thread or I was losing my mind. OF COURSE, now, when I go back, I find it right off. I think FIM needs to actually get a full night's sleep.

Sig-line does need to be read more often....I'm going to print it out and put it on my bathroom mirror.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Should do the same; all that kind nature in a constant charge needs some brakes (too) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I do not think there is anything wrong with competition. You win hands down-you are married and she is an affair partner-that is just so low class. Do not give her a second thought. She is just a bandaide to the marriage, insignificant. She is the outsider, not you.

I would not want to be in her shoes-yuck. She can never make this situation right even if she marries him. It has always started as an ugly affair. She will always wonder if she got him by default if you do leave him.

Anyway-just want to give you more support. You are doing a fine job. Hugs-Jersey Girl

I thought I'd just drop in and give an update on my situation.

I replied to a thread on exposure and suggested reading the first posts on the original thread I started when I first came here. I got sucked in and started reading about all the crap that's been going on with WH and me over the last five months. I didn't even remember some of those early Plan A episodes! It was kind of funny, but sobering at the same time.

I exposed to OW command on January 12...exactly five months after WAT and others first told me to do it. I can't help but wonder what would have happened.

Anyway....back to the exposure. I decided to forward some of the emails I have to the command for WH's meeting today.

He reconfirmed that his plan is to tell them I forced the dismissal and that he had planned on refiling this month again. He asked me to please restart the divorce if he asks me to but that it is only to cover him and his ability to provide for us.

Uh. huh. Like he's done the last five months? No thank you.

He says he wants me to file it, not send him the summons and then dismiss it a week later.

I told him sure...if that's what you want. But OW is going to have to pay for it since I have bills to pay.

Well, he's stilling throwing out the song and dance that he wants to come home and work on our marriage. He's said he'll be home by Feb. 14th. He also says he is going to break up with OW and not have contact again, but he can't do that until he leaves SAT because he's staying in her apartment until he can afford to get the trailer out of storage and pay off the repairs on the pick up.

Well, too little too late. He flat out told me he is going to go in and make me out to be a liar and a "pycho out of control wife" (that a quote from OW). He is going to tell them I forced him into the dismissal and that he has basically been trying to get rid of me for the last months. At the end, he's going to throw in that he is going to come here and try and work on our marriage now that OW can't be in contact with him. He SAYS he will only bring up filing for divorce from me as a last resort. AS IF THAT WILL HELP!

So, last night I forwarded the email from OW that was sent over her army email account. It very clearly states what she would like to do to him and what she likes him doing to her. Very explicit. Over army email. Sent from work....she starts it out by saying she's bored at work and this is her daydream....the time of day should confirm her being at work.

I also forwarded an email....sent two days before WH filed for divorce in July in which OW states "If you need to spend time with your children and 'wife' it's okay. I understood you were married when we started."

I've got about a hundred pages more...but those two all by themselves should do the job.

I openly admit that at this time I am going after OW. I intercepted a voice mail sent Sunday night that was all lovey dovey and called me a **tch. Now, I understand that she doesn't look at me as her best friend, but really....name calling?

I tried it nice. I tried to look out for her future. Screw it.

WH should be walking into that meeting with his pack of lies right about now. The emails, along with the forwarded message from Sunday, will be waiting for him.

He called to ask this morning if I had talked to them again. I was able to honestly tell him no. Email...that's another story. He's got to explain the lies he told to both of us and she has to explain being involved with a married man.

So, this is my exit. I won't live with a WH in my life anymore. I'm not interested in the lies, the dual life, the stagnation of my own life.

I am moving forward and moving on.

It amazes me how quickly my own path opened up after exposing this last weekend. It feels like taking that step allowed me to shake off of my own addiction.

I'll never know what would have happened had I done this sooner...but I do think I'm going to be better off without this man who has no desire to stop the lies or the pain.

Hugs.

Don't spend too much time wondering 'what if....'.

You are living the truthful life. That is the right life.

Poof to H and her. Let them deal with their choices.

Your kids sure do have one amazingly cool mom. They do and don't doubt it for even one little moment!

Hugs again.

Faith - there is much strength and resolve in your words. It is very sad that these actions were your only course. But they are correct and right actions.

I recommend your goal remain coming out of this with a clear conscience. Do not fall for his bull crap. Do not do anything that departs from your place of high integrity and the higher good. Finally, do not believe that either of the infidels cannot pull themselves out of the gutter and restore their integrity. If they can do this it will be in large part to your actions.

WAT

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

He's going to slam you and make you out to be a freak so he can protect her?

He's going to go NC as soon as he doesn't need to use her anymore for a place to stay?

He's going to come home to you on Valentine's Day after spending the morning with her?

He wants to give this marriage 6 months? Since when does he get to decide?

Sad. Really sad.

Glad you are moving ahead, FiM. Keep your head on your shoulders now.

~ Snow

FIM-

I would once again like to applaude you for your diplomacy...you should run for some kind of office, you're one fair chick.

I, myself would be laying a path of destruction that would make a tornado jealous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-Caren

Thank you to every one of you for your support and kind words. MB has been such a support for the last 5 months.

I probably will wonder for a long time what might have happened if I exposed earlier.

BUT I'm not going to let it stand in my way of moving on either. I feel good about just about every step I made. I knew I needed to see this out until I could say and truly know I did everything I could to save my marriage.

I did. I feel good about how I did it and even better about the person I have come out of this as.

I'll be filing the divorce this week....and OW is paying for it. I told WH after his meeting today that I would do it but I'm not spending another cent to help him or OW. He said.."I'll ask her for the money." I told him she can send a money order, payable to me to my work address.

Speaking of the meeting, they are both losing their clearance and she'll be court martialed for the emails. They will both probably lose any of the benefits they would have had after discharging and will no doubt receive a dishonorable.

Yep. That's my fault. Just ask them and I'm sure they'll tell you all about it!

WH is STILL this afternoon going on about me dismissing the divorce next week, coming home and working on our marrige. He truly and honestly does not, at all, even a little, believe this is over. He doesn't get it. He's pushed and pushed and now can't believe he's reached the edge.

It's very likely he has lost everything at this point. OW, wife, respect, career...all gone.

And all because he didn't just go back to SAT when he said. I don't think I would have had the strength to follow this through without the original mad. After it was done, it was easy to see it was right and stay the course. I hope he wonders "what if" for a long time too.

ANYWAY, that's enough energy spent on OW and WH. I've got a whole new opportunity standing before me.

I am going to go to the courthouse on Friday and see if it is possible to show the evidence of WH having lied about his commitment to working on the M and seeing if I can just get the divorce finalized by the end of the week.

I'm hoping. I may actually be able to be done with this sooner than I had expected if that's the case.

Either way, I'm on my way!

He thinks he will stop or you will stop the D and he says he wants to come home but will BORROW $ from OW to pay for the D?

What's wrong with that babble? Nothing.... it is pure babble at it's finest. LOL!!!

More fog talk. Not sure which end is talking faster at this point but one of them is going to have to be wiped pretty soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L.

I would do nothing to make his lies come true. Isn't that what you are doing by filing this Friday?

Maybe I got confused. I understand that you want to be done with this and if OW can pay for the D...well ...let her...but don't do it so he can be proved 'right' in his lies to the CO's.

I can't believe he is scambling so much and sinking lower and lower with his lying. Wow, he is so lost in his addiction. Sometimes I wonder if he'll ever see the light and emerge from all that he has created.

Oh how I wish you would have exposed months ago.

Somehow, I still think he has a way of guilting you into going along with him...or he still has a way with words that convinces you he is real...one thing he is really good at is crazymaking.

Wishing you the best...as always.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I'll be filing the divorce this week....and OW is paying for it. I told WH after his meeting today that I would do it but I'm not spending another cent to help him or OW. He said.."I'll ask her for the money." I told him she can send a money order, payable to me to my work address.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may think I am kidding, but I am not.

IF OW sends you this $$ .... pay some bills with it.

When asked why you did not use the $$ for the intended purpose, say:

"I meant to, but the bills became a more pressing priority. Can she send $$ to me again? This time I promise I will use the $$ to file."

The reverse money babble sounds like a great plan to moi!!!

Pep

Before you do anything, would you call your MIL for advice? She would probably tellyou to stall for the D...

Is there separation in your state, would that be a first step?

Things are going to get very ugly on their end for awhile, no employment, no money, the bubble will be bursting, and if you don't give them their way right away...then they will turn on each other...

I wonder how mature this OW/Child will be now that her future appears to be stripped from her.

Do not blame yourself. She knew the danger walking into this. She is an MP for heavens sakes, she KNEW the laws regarding this behavior...

How are the girls taking this?

Stall on the D. The family needs to get used to the idea, especially the kiddos. Give everyone time to settle with the idea a D is coming. And let THEM do the paperwork and legwork...

I'm with Still on this.

Too crazy to file at their insistence. I understand you're ready to do it anyway, but if WH wants it for whatever surreptitious reason let him get it done. As much fun and justified as it would be to take OW's money and use it as you please, this would soil your otherwise pristine actions so far. Don't step into their cess pool.

As soon as their world totally colapses and their divorce motives change and he then decides he doesn't want or need one - you can still make the decision to do it from a cleaner start.

JMHO

WAT

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>