Hey DD. As promised, I'm gonna respond to you. Honestly, not in a very good place myself today--maybe you can help me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Firstly, today I am alive. I expect I will also be alive tomorrow.
I didn't think that possible yesterday, or the day before. Or many before that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One day at a time...You said it yourself--it's an attainable goal you can achieve.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Secondly, Thank you all for your kind words, and support during my nightmares.

Thirdly, I sincerely apologize for my inconsiderate actions and words. I know many of you are little better emotionally than I have been. It is to you I apologize most humbly. I am sorry for causing more pain.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A lot in that one paragraph. First you need to understand that you haven't been inconsiderate (that I've seen) in any way. About the emotions? Yeah, there's alot of seasoned MB'ers here that have been through it and recovered--whether it be married or divorced, individually, they HAVE survived and are doing better than before. It's a long process. It's work. It's patience. It's time. And alot of healing and support. And there are ups and downs. (Today, I'm in a huge valley myself; but it's posters like you that actually give me the kick in the [censored] that I need, that provide me hope.) You see, DD, we're all on different levels here. But that's what makes MB so great: so many different backgrounds and people and levels that it is hard NOT to find support.
And certainly, no apologies will be accepted--none are warranted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forthly, I cannot post here. I find it wrong of me to continue to do so. One of the MB ideas I do understand: you can't repair a marriage when one person is addicted to drugs or alcohol.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe you're right. If you are, which I hope pray, and work at it daily that you are not right, I am doomed. (Gambler.) But, one of the beautiful things about MB is not only rebuilding your marriage, it's also rebuilding yourself. But it certainly does not mean you can't post here. It's a personal decision, but know we are here as a huge support system for you. (Oh, and please don't start that lynch mob you referred to on me--as much as I deserve it.)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or OP, or, in my case, when one of the couple is mentally unstable.
You fine people are trying to work on your marriages, while I have serious emotional issues.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, this is one thing we can NOT address. You do need professional help. Nothing bad, you just need help. You're more of a man by admitting this than just dismissing it; go to the next level and get help for yourself. (And a little side note: my wife, BW, was "clinically depressed." She had a mental breakdown. She is now stronger than I ever could imagine--something I lost sight over and will forever regret. My point being, is that she worked on herself--She had a choice, for sure. But through intense IC and the right combo of meds (and I know you said you've tried some), she is the most incredible women I know! It takes work, committment, conviction, to improve yourself. But you CAN do this with the correct help.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yesterday and this morning on the verge taking a walk down to the train tracks, I dragged my wife into my maddness. Or maybe, she finally let me know I had been doing that. While she's been no peach to live with. She does care about me. She did....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't forget DD: there is no rationalizing with an irrational mind. She is in the fog. She is not capable of thinking straight, in reality--at this time, the last person you want to turn for support and some reasoning behind the madness in your life right now.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have gotten so tangeled up in my hurt, I can't see past it.
AND YES....I've read as much 20 times from you wonderful people. All the more reason to take my leave. I can't see past my nose!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is normal, DD. This is the nature of an A--the pain we FWS/WS have caused/cause is almost unbearable. Something you've never felt before, probably. So, I, have to actualy apologize to you--knowing the pain.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">today...right now....I'm not sure my wife will forgive me. I've hurt her. She may not. Maybe she shouldn't.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure if I understand. Maybe if you get a minute, you can eloborate.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've got a ton of hurt to get over. She has also.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, but you can do it--whether with or without her. Of course, preferably with her.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For once, I'm not calling her...begging her to stay. Telling her what I think.

Just an email. Admitting my wrongs and telling her simply: call me if you want trust again and make this work.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually a good start. You are setting up boundaries for yourself. A very good start.

I'm not sure how much I can offer you. Really. But there are so many here that you can lean on and get opinions from--to give you some ideas on how you can make yourself a better person. And, seek out that professional help too.

If, for whatever reason you decide it is in your best interest not to continue posting; get that help; you are a good person; protect those children; and blessings to your recovery. I (along with many others) hope you do stay.

Blessings,
LINY

LINY,

things are moving forward with our marriage.

My FWW is jumping back in with both feet. She has emotionally destroyed me. To a point where I could not function. I'm only just starting to get that back. I am only just starting to gain contol of me.
DO I think I'm out of the woods? Hell no!

I've hurt her by being so lost in my emotions. In answer to your question. I don't know where she is emotionally. I've been so caught up in my pain, I never thought to ask.
Selfish....yeah, but so was her affair.

I think she is beginning to come of the fog, out of withdrawal. Seeing what has happened.

I don't know where that puts she and I?

On semi-frim ground maybe. A place to start from.

I am scared to death of what is next with she and I.

But, today is another day. I feel good today. I'm trying to move on from all the pain.

As for posting here. I don't like to dump on people. I have...I don't like it. Support. that is okay, screaming and crying, at least for me isn't.
That is me.

Real good to hear from you DD! And even better to hear things are moving forward--crawling maybe, but it's forward, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has emotionally destroyed me. To a point where I could not function. I'm only just starting to get that back. I am only just starting to gain contol of me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is where you need caution, patience, and someone to talk to. This is the nature of an A. I wisj any woman and man about to be engaged get a copy of all of the books and a few hours a day on MB and see what it does.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've hurt her by being so lost in my emotions.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not sure if I understand this. How long have you been feeling these emotions? Only since d-day? If that's the case, DD, she absolutely needs to understand the hurt she's caused *you.*
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think she is beginning to come of the fog, out of withdrawal. Seeing what has happened.

I don't know where that puts she and I?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For your protection of your sanity, make sure this isn't simply a reaction to your emotions and suicidal thoughts. Make sure she has actions behind her words of committment.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On semi-frim ground maybe. A place to start from.

I am scared to death of what is next with she and I.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are going to be ups and downs--the proverbial rollercoaster. But like you said, it *is* a start! And feeling scared is OK, even. I hope she has those same feelings, because it would mean just that--that she's feeling again. Again, make sure she has actions, not just words.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But, today is another day. I feel good today. I'm trying to move on from all the pain.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My biggest problem is being impatient. I'm very impulsive. This is going to take awhile, DD. There's alot you both have to work on--individually and together. But if you work on you, you will be able to handle things that come your way in the future. She needs to emphasize with actions her committment.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As for posting here. I don't like to dump on people. I have...I don't like it. Support. that is okay, screaming and crying, at least for me isn't.
That is me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dumping, venting. Call it whatever. It's still support! It's a personal choice, though. Regardless, know that you have this site to do exactly that.

Really glad to hear that you're doin OK.

Really nice posts Liny. DD, we are all here for support or to give back because some gave us support when we needed. Picture yourself down the road a bit and you will be able to give back what you have gotten here and then some. I strongly urge you to get IC. I know your stance on AD's, so please do get some one to one support for yourself.

As for your WW. Again, listen to Liny. Actions, not words is what you need. I am glad you are feeling better, but don't let your wife lead your feelings. Gain control of yourself, don't base how you feel on what your WW is or isn't doing or the roller coaster will be out of control.

Hang in there and remember, one day at a time.