Seven months ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a co-worker. I confronted him about his five month affair and he denied it for about 15 minutes until he realized he was busted. He said he was sorry and did not know why it happened. He swears he was happy with me and our sex life was great (3 times a week). I guess my major problem is how do I know what to do to keep it from happening again if he can't tell me why it happened. He says they just started as friends and then he didn't know how to get out of it without hurting her after it became sexual. Help! Can a man really not know why he had an affair or is this just a cop-out?

Hi HurtOne-meet heartache I know exactly where you are coming from. I have had all those feelings and still do although after much talk and all I am elarning to back off that question a bit. I have heard that it is very true a man can have an affair and not know why. I still haven't gotten much of an answer form my H about his affair. But I do know that he had someone flirting with him and with his low self esteem he liked the attention-I think we can all relate to that a bit. I wondered how I could prevent it from happening again just like you are. Actaully-even if he did know why we couldnt prevent it from happening again. If it does it does and if it doesn't it doesn't. The important thing here is do you love him? Does he love you? have you tried any counsling? Does he regret his affair? Is the affair over? If you feel all those things are settled then it is well worth trying to make the marriage better than ever. Read a lot of the posts here and you will get so many answers and so much help. It is a godsend to know you aren't alone in this. I will wish you much luck and feel free to contact me any time.<P>*heartache*

I suppose there are some people who intentionally get themselves into an affair, but all the betrayers I've talked to on this forum didn't intentionally go into an affair.<P>I think a normal person, or a reasonably good spouse who otherwise wouldn't get into an affair certainly can - right place at the right time, and having unmet emotional needs.<P>Why did your husband get into his affair? I don't think it is as simple of an answer as he is giving you, but not that he is lying to you either. He probably doesn't understand why. I think if he understood why, or if you understood why, it may help prevent something like this from happening again. <P>Affairs aren't always about the "sex" - enough of it or quality, if you know what I mean. I think affairs happen for lots of reasons, and some betrayers say the sex in the affair was never as good as the sex with the spouse.<P>I think there are many similarities in all affairs, but also alot of uniqueness too. <P>I'm sorry that your husband cheated on you, and I am sorry you have to join us in this recovery process. But, if you gotta go through it, this is the best place to be.

First, I'm so sorry your here, but let me tell you, this forum has saved my sanity many times throuh this saga.....<P>My H still after almost 1 year cannot tell me why....because I don't hink he knows. I don't ask anymore, and we don't talk about "IT". And I live with this nagging fear it will happen again, because the problem/issue has not been addressed and resolve, as we don't know what it is.....<P>I don't think affairs are ususally about sex in the marriage. I think they are about the spouse who has the affairs emotional outlook....but I am unsure of what emotional needs I wasn't fulfilling.....<P>Take care of yourself in all this. And know that this board has many wonderful people that will help you.....

I had an emotional affair with OW. I definately was not looking and she didn't either. It really just happens. I love my wife, I can't find any reason for the obsession with the OW, and my wife and I are getting our relationship back together. Don't feel guilty. You don't know if it will happen but don't take any risks either.

I know exactly how your feeling. It's like, how can we resolve the problem if we don't know the root of it. My H couldn't or didn't know what caused his affair. I think eventually I got him to admit little things and alot of little things added up to one big thing. He likes to say he was running away from life, I like to say that he wasn't seeing me as a person anymore and felt he couldn't count on me to tell me what was going on in my own life. Either way, it took a great deal of time for any problems to come out and I believe that it was because he didn't want to realize we had any problems, he wanted to take the whole blame himself. Keep plugging away at it and maybe one of these days you'll find an answer!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

The only book that helped me understand the why of the affair was Frank Pittman's "Private Lies"...I think my H's was an accidental affair.<P>We too were having a great life. I think that a few factors converged at a time that he had opportunity from a temporary off beat schedule at work.<P>Of course no marriage is perfect and I can point to needs not fulfilled, incorrect priorities, unsatisfactory patterns of communication, etc...because we (mostly me) was willing to really look at our marriage and make the most of it we are fine tuning and I think it will be better than ever.<P>I think our renewed relationship and hard lessons learned will prevent this from happening again, although there may never be a guarantee. <P>However, I do not honestly think anything in our marriage actually caused the affair or even significantly contributed to it. I believe it was a fluke, somewhat.<P>My H is/or was a man of integrity who would not normally do this. Thankfully he walked away upon discovery, actually was already walking when I discovered. If you also think your H is a man of character, but stumbled, there may be not deep reason or truth. Doesn't mean you shouldn't evaluate and work on the marriage, but I believe in our case the shared pain and remorse along with recommitment and hard work is the closest thing to a guarantee...not the actual trigger.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

My H had an emotional affair about a year ago which lasted for about 2 months. He also really didn't know why. And I really believe him. I am here to tell you that it doesn't mean that you can't work through this and move on TOGETHER. We immediately started recovery - went to a marriage counselor for about 2 months and reestablished our relationship as a couple and a family. It wasn't easy but we both wanted it very badly. I don't obsess about whether it will happen again - if I did, I couldn't stay married to him. You need to be able to feel some sense of security otherwise - its not worth it. I trust my H again - but I can NEVER forget what almost happened to us. I have truely forgiven him and we are doing great. I think that he had more of a problem forgiving himself than I had forgiving him. I realize that these things happen - I mean I wish it never happened to us - but we have a better marriage now. We are more aware of things and situations which may make us susceptible. We know how to communicate better - are we are doing it.<P>I just wanted to let you know - don't give up - it can work and be better than before.<P>Good luck to you! <BR>

Hi everyone,<P>I wanted to add a thought real quick that may or may not help. It is solely from my perspective as a beytrayer who also finds it difficult to understand why I allowed the affair to happen.<P>Surely it is true that I had unmet needs (as did my H I'm sure) and I had become lost and lonely in my marriage. The OM was a former co-worker and it too like many began as a casual friendship. He was single and I was attracted to his 'carefree' life. <P>Anyway, what I wanted to point out was that for me it was a duality of heart. Hard to explain that one too. I loved my H, even felt in love with him most of the time. Soon I also felt I loved the OM. When I was thinking about him my selfishness(for lack of anything else to call it) allowed me to 'not think' about my h. (as sick as that is, it is true) Compartmentalizing, maybe that's the word. It's very strange and I think it's part of the fantasy aspect that so many talk about. When you are interacting in one area the other one fades.<P>I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense. I'm not sure it ever will completely to me either. Best of luck to all.<BR>-janet

I had an emotional affair with a married man and I am married too. Neither one of us was looking for this. It just happened. Got out of control. We seemed to fill a need in each other - something that obviously was missing from both of our marriages. He made me feel beautiful and sexy and I made him feel like a man again. What can I say? The emotions were overpowering. All reason fell by the wayside. Fortunately we lived a long distance from each other and we got caught before our "meeting out of town" took place. It has been over for more than a year now but the problem is that the void is still there. I have tried hard to make my marriage better (and I have). I have tried to treat my husband like my lover. I have done what I could. But it just is not the same. I do love my husband but I often have these feelings of wanting to jump out of my skin and run out and get myself picked up or something. HELP!!