<small>[ January 24, 2005, 05:44 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

Have you read the one in Harley's book 'Surviving an Affair'? There are also letters you could pattern yours after in James Dobson's book 'Love Must Be Tough.' I sold my copy after using it but I remember it had some good ideas of what to write. I agree it needs to be concise for the most effect. And don't blame him in it- it will just send him further into defense mode. Dobson says in his book the idea is to make the WH stop feeling so torn and trapped- to open the cage door and let them out so to speak. Take care- LIM

DYING:

I would suggest that you do a short review of your situation up to now so that folks will not have to read your thread. THEN:Rename your thread to read URGENT HELP NEEDED: PLAN A OR PLAN B? I used to really work with this to get all the help that I could.

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 05:45 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 05:45 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

Bumping for you!!

Help people going to Plan B soon and I sure could use some advise with it.
CALL MARRIAGE BUILDERS AND GET AN APPOINTMENT!

^Bump^

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 05:46 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 05:47 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

Making sure I understand your situation.... please correct me if I am wrong.

You did NOT expose the A to your H's family (his brother) and thus you went into Plan B without a very important tool on your side. Exposure has not been done, is this correct?

Why did you do it this way?

Pep

You are doing GREAT, DYING. I am so impressed with how you have done this. You seem to have so much resolve.

I agree with PEP about the need for exposure though and you need to consult the attorney ASAP!!!

You have blown his mind. You have gained his respect! That is essential here.

Keep us posted because he will do everything he can to regain contact with you and to start cake-eating again. Remember this gives her opportunity to ultimately fail!! She will. She does not have a clue about how to fill your shoes. Let him learn the hard way.

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 05:47 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

DYINGHERE:

I didn't feel better during PLAN B either. I went into it kicking and screaming. I used to call myself the PLAN B FAILURE. I had to continually tell myself that it was the only strategy that I had to bring an end to the A. I found by continuing in PLAN A that I was enabling him and he was happy with the both of us.

It is the answer for you I think if you can hang in there. Although you may not feel better, it seems that you are a lot stronger in your actions. I'm impressed with how you have pulled this off.

Doesn't he have to provide for you financially? That's what I was encouraging you to speak to the attorney about.

DH, you are keeping tabs on him, therefore, not in a true Plan B. Plan B means you get on with your life and allow him to meet the full terms of your boundaries, then approach with evidence that he's ready to commit to the marriage. You don't seek that info out.

Your Plan B will be much more peaceful when you stop gathering info from well-meaning friends.

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 05:48 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

Did you post your Plan B letter anywhere here?

HELP WANT TO THROW IN THE TOWEL RE PLAN B

FEEL TERRIBLE WANT TO ASK WH TO COME HOME
If you were to ask him and he said, "no", how would you feel?

Also, are you okay with him continuing to have an affair?
Are you okay with all the confllict you have with him?
Plan B is not going to remove the the pain. It will simply remove you from him continuing the affair "in your face", thus lessening the pain.
It's still gonna hurt though.

CALL MARRIAGE BUILDERS AND GET AN APPOINTMENT!

DH,

What is the problem? Plan B is tough at first. Now you know what he will have to go thru if he comes home and has to go thru withdrawal. So, tell me what you are thinking.

Also, I have just read your story. I noticed you stated that exposure is the last resort. Not if you want this to work!! It is the first resort. I know, I know..."but you dont know my husband...he is different...blah, blah, blah." We all have said that about our WSs.

Exposure isnt going to destroy your marriage. Exposure is going to take away the one thing that fuels affairs...secrecy. The light of day will open it all up.

Sure, he will be mad...and say all sorts of things. But, that will settle down and then he will have to deal with his feelings for you.

I am not sure what to do about the exposure situation now that you are in Plan B. Without exposure, it always lengthens the A and the pain.

Anyway...what's up?

In His arms.

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 05:48 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

dh:

No. Tell the family BEFORE you speak 2 him, not after. Also, your kids are old enough 2 be able 2 handle the truth about what's happening. Don't keep them in the dark about why you're in plan B. Worse, don't let them find out about their dad's A from someone else. So, tell them. Since you're in plan B, you shouldn't be talking 2 your H, so in that circumstance you shouldn't be telling them with him present. You SHOULD tell them 2 talk 2 him themselves, so that he can give them "his side of the story", such as it is. They'll know who's being honest with them.

best,
-ol' 2long