my FWW was browsing the MB site the other day and found this. the three states, intimacy, conflict, and withdrawal. she says she thinks she is in the withdrawal state. not W/D from the OM, but within our marriage in context to this article. she has said she hasn't been happy for a long time, long before the A. i know i was not meeting her EN'S before. i read the article and it is quite interesting. i think she and i have both entered this w/d state. except now i am trying to change, myself and the M.

does anybody out there have any feedback on this? if you are newer here like i am, i would suggest you read this.

i know that all WS say the same thing, but i don't think this is about the A as much as it is about us.i think if i can learn from past mistakes and fill her needs and make deposits instead of w/d's, we can rebuild a better marriage.that is my goal.of course she will have to do the same.

do any of you "old timers" have any input? although i have not spoken with several of you, i read your post's and value your input.could my biggest problem be me and the way i treated her years ago? not meeting her needs etc.? i didn't even know what that was.

thanks for input,

arjdad

My WW has said the same thing to me over and over again.

She was unhappy before her A, and that her A has nothing to do with the situation we are now in.

She has seperated the two, her being unhappy and her A. For her our M was done before her A.

I am trying to fill all her EN's right now the best I can. If she was really unhappy before, she would have asked for a D. That is my thought.

Her fog lets her try and keep situations seperate.

All her A did was ad more issues to our M.

alank,-

how do you know what her EN'S are? my wife has still not filled out the questionaire. she says she doesn't know what her needs are. i tried to fill it out for her, and am trying to meet what i THINK they are.

thanks for your input,
arjdad

arjdad,

That's part of the same ILYNLY speech....just a later version.

Of course your M is in trouble. A's dont' happen to happy people. They are intitiated when one of the spouses decides they want something else!

The need to NOT be fulfilled fuels the justification for the A.

ex: WS told me ILYNLY speech shortly after d/d. Said he never loved me....

BS (me) questioned WS on the timeframe. See when did he begin to lie if it wasn't A related? I went back in time, stating life changing events..... birth of our child, conception of our child, our wedding, our engagement, our courtship..... when? Of course the WS did not want to admit to a lie yet I had him corned. If what he was saying was true, he would have had to lie at some point. That's where I had his babble by the balls. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So before you go and get a twisted up in her babble, acknowledge that your M is in trouble. You are learning and have implemented ways to improve yourself. She needs to do the same or the M continue to be in trouble.

Smart reverse babbling will give her back her share of the fix. See? She is still trying to give you her guilt in addition to your own. Do you really need to carry a guilt you can't fix?

L.

also, after reading the three states of mind in marriage, read "how one spouse can lead the other back to intimacy"

it is very encouraging to me. let me know what you think.

arjdad