***I posted this in Recovery. I would love to hear your responses.

I have a serious question for those of you who are now in recovery.
"How many of you had sex with your WS after discovering the A?" (I don't mean right then). But how long until you wanted to be intimate. A week, 2 weeks, months? Or were you too disgusted, angry, or hurt (all of us!) to even think of it.
I ask this because my MC has been telling me since I began seeing him late April that I am ABNORMAL for having sex with my H after I discovered the affair. ABNORMAL! That I did it wrong.
I didn't find out about A and just jump in the sack! But we did have sex not long after D-Day and also through all of our trials up until where we are today......in a full blown recovery. Now we didn't have sex every day or anything and there has been much anger and pain and turmoil....you all know what I am talking about. I also was being treated for breast cancer at the same time. But when it happened, it was very emotional and a closeness was felt that I had not felt in a long time. My H believes that one episode on Mother's Day was the single event that penetrated his fog and made him remeber that I was the love of his life and not OW.
My MC keeps telling me during IC, that women don't do this....they are not made up that way, I am not normal, that I did it wrong, I was only afraid, big mistake, etc. Now maybe that is true and maybe not.
That is why I am turning to all of you! I know this is a personal subject, but any of you who did sleep with your WS at points after D-Day while you were trying to get them to end their A and while you were trying to recover, I really would love to hear!
I would love to go to my next appt with a report of how many people didn't respond the NORMAL (is there only one way?) way. Not "naming names", of course!
Thanks for reading! I usually post/read in the Children/Affairs section. But I read here too. You have all been very helpful and inspiring.

There is NOTHING wrong having sex with your spouse after Dday...during affair or whatsoever.

You have every right to have sex with your spouse and you can tell that to your MC. I will not go back to that MC if he or she ever tells me having SF with my spouse is WRONG.

I have had many SF with my WH while he was having an affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

However i cannot say i feel the same now that i have gone into non contact with WH. Even IF we recover NOW i feel as if i have lost my interest in WH. You may eventually reach this point if your WS keeps on having an affair and cheating behind your back.

i believe eventually if not all that if the affair continues we will lose our interest to have SF with our WS. Perhaps for some BS they reach that point fast and for some of us just a little slower.

Hon....I've been having sex with my husband non stop....every chance I get. And my IC said to absolutely not do that either.....guess what, I want to do it......the more I get it the less she does, I mean he's 35 I'm thinking his sex drive isn't in endless supply...LMAO (Maybe it is, who knows...maybe he's got the libido of the energizer bunny....all I know is I'M GETTIN' MINE)

So tell your IC, that you're not ABNORMAL...that he can't lump ALL women into a catagory and say they don't work that way.

-Caren

I was hypersexual when I found out. I wanted it all the time.

Thanks for the responses! I have an appt. Wednesday and I would love to give him a tally of how many ABNORMAL BS there are out there.

Going out tonight.....will check in later.

aislinn-

I have been hypersexual too, been having SF every chance I get, I thought maybe it was my age and I was hitting my sexual peak....who the heck knows....but I could have SF everyday.....3 times a day if he were available...LMAO

-Caren

Yes, yes, yes!!!

Finally, something I can really comment on. Friends, family, and co-workers think I am crazy but since the very on-set of the A we've had sex. And lots of it too!! My WH thinks I get "the wrong impression", because it doesn't mean he's in love with me again or that he's willing to start saving the M.

Hard feeling to explain. I think it's a combo thing: only real "affection" I receive from him, one of the ENs I wasn't meeting before the A, and I've truly been excitable. I've learned some new things about myself, and finally understand my sexuality and what turns me on. Besides that, how many times during this CRAP does anyone feel good (dare I say great), and not having your mind filled with depressing thoughts?

I say, if you can handle it do it!!

Besides that, after I ask him to leave, I'll have to rely on toys. Real is better.

You are not a freak, but we are freaky. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

You need a new less judgmental MC IMO.

I was repulsed at first, then after a few weeks we had a couple of needful SF sessions which were suprisingly brilliant for both of us even though we weren't intimate in discussion.

Around 3 months after d-day Squid seduced me and she is lovely so I couldn't resist. She's been very needful of loving SF ever since, and I do what I can <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now and again I have "picture problems" during SF. When this happens I tell Squid whats up and ask if we can just hug instead. It makes Squid sad but its honest and mutually validating so I can't see a better way to deal with it.

Do what works for you but make sure all your actions support your self respect.

absolutely, Bob Pure.

If you're feeling a lack of respect from your H or feeling used, then I would lay off the SF, even if you want it.

I never felt that way, though.

Count me in as so-called "abnormal" too. His A never stopped me! I became hypersexual too! And maybe "this" is abnormal, but we've been having much better sex since i found out! I dont think I left much for OW. I can make him start hootin', hollerin' and shakin'!

Hypersexuality in both men and women is common following D-day, perhaps more so in men. The only valid reason I see from MC point of view is that if Wayward spouse did not use protection there is a real palpable risk of getting STD.

MommyCBaby-

I got the same speech about my H thinking he was "leading me on" blah blah....I'm like shut up and kiss me.....I never said it was going to change anything.

He used to say "no" to my advances, but he can't really resist...and I'd whisper in his ear "Saying no is such a waste of such a sexy mouth" LMAO.....that's really all it took.

-Caren

not abnormal at all, when my ex and I were on the outs we did have sex a few times.

On DDay for H and I our sex life picked up and intensified alot. It's still that way

Caren,

That's the one thing he's withheld from me, kissing. GOD, I miss that. But, I'm a tight 35, he cannot resist me when I lay it out there. I walk around the house in tight and or sexy clothes, and every morning when I dry my hair I make sure my bra and panties are irresistable. Everyday he says it won't happen again, and every night we're bumping uglies.

I am woman, hear me roar!! I will not go out without a fight.

I was one of the 'abnormal' hypersexual ones too.

Your IC doesn't know what he is talking about.

I would be guilty of this as well...BUT in all honesty from a PERSONAL SAFETY view, having SF with a wayward spouse is like having a one night stand with any joe schmo out there. It is a very UNSAFE act. Any sex you have with your WS after his affair and BEFORE full STD testing is unsafe sex. I am not saying this is right or wrong, but just a fact. The risks of STD's including AIDS is REAL. It just doesn't happen to hookers and drug addicts. It happens to Soccer MOms', bankers, doctors, secretaries, etc....

As Stanley said :Hypersexuality in both men and women is common following D-day, perhaps more so in men. The only valid reason I see from MC point of view is that if Wayward spouse did not use protection there is a real palpable risk of getting STD""""""

THis should be food for thought at least.

And yes I know I will probably be accused of not "supporting" the recovery couples by bringing everyone in their hypersexual state down with this point. SOrry to be the party pooper once again around here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I agree about getting tested for STD's. H and I are both being treated at the moment. I can say I didn't really think @ it at the time. We were having sex during our recovery process (if you ever truly recover-it's been 9 months.) I thought STD's would show up in a regular pap smear, but they don't! When I was going through pregnancy testing, they realized I had an STD. H and I are currently being treated (thank god it was a treatable one!) Please ask your doctors to test you for STD's, if you don't ask, they won't do it. I was a little naive in the process.

Carenmc,

"Saying no is such a waste of a sexy mouth."

Good one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Hi Lbell --

i struggled with sex after D-Day. For a while I just couldn't/wouldn't. We were in counseling with Steve Harely, and he encouraged me to try meet my H's biggest needs. And this was certainly one of them. He also indicated that this the one emotional need that can (or should) be met exclusively by the spouse. If I want conversation, admiration, even affection, those are all things that CAN be met by others. But SF cannot. So, I went with the "just do it" philosophy and the first times I cried. He'd feel bad, I say it's Ok, I know we need to work through it. I had a terribel time getting the pictures out my mind. But, it's helped. Now I hardly ever have those pictures in my mind. But boy! I sure didn't want to at first. So Steve is one counselor who doesn't think it's abnomal at all, and that if you can meet that need, then do it!

Take care --
Shellybird
BS --me 45
WW-- 52
2 boys 10 and 15
D-day Sept. 2003

Well, were all different, I dont think I like this IC of yours who tells you we all have to react a certain way. You can tell him/her that Shelly doesnt care for anyone but Shelly calling her abnormal! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />