Why does WxW insist on talking to me like she’s my best friend? Yesterday b4 she took our boys up north ‘to see snow’ and meet OM’s two boys, she told me that she’s praying’ for [my] highest good and [my] greatest desires”. She says she’s proud of me taking a stand against my contentious employers.

All this after I caught her crying while we watched our son perform in a play Friday. Is it guilt? Fog? Manipulation? How can she say that she supports me when her actions were the driving force behind my current challenges?

I keep conatct to a minimum, but she seems to want to talk more. Never about her, always about me. I'm too tired for games and too raw for false hopes.

<small>[ January 15, 2005, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

dlt

guilty - most likely, regret - most probably, remorse - haven't seen it in your posts so nor have you, false hope - ABSOLUTELY.

Sorry dlt this women - the one she has changed into - has IMHO nothing for you to ever be hopeful about or give respect to.

Perhaps you should quietly, firmly, without too much anger if you can just tell her "you are not my friend so stop trying to assuage YOUR guilt I dont want what you offer. Please just stay away."

Be polite, cold and distant and AVOID her.
Why not have someone else hand the kids over like in the Plan B scenario, have her leave messages never speak directly unless an emergency or totally unavoidable.

YOU know the truth, she was the reason for your depression and at the core of your resulting work problems, the driving force of it all is perhaps a good way of putting it.

She has done enough to you, how long will you let her keep hurting you like this?
dlt the race is run and sometimes, well soemtimes we loose, especially when the person we pass the baton too drops it and walks off the field.

I understand that if you are keen on it Harley says to wait 2 years after Dv before moving on, but looking at the effect its having on you I wonder if you should reconsider that.I'm not talking about a big love affair but just going out, having fun, nothing too serious.

I think YOU need to move on, but if you have professional advice to wait then see that professional and firm up whatever advice you get....follow that of course.

Be strong as you can for your kids, focus on them. Dont hold to false hope, if anything comes from her in the future let it be as if she is a new person, like someone you have just meet, and of course she will HAVE to be SINGLE.

Go on with your life and be happy as you can with what you have, most of all find that and the rest WILL fall into place.

All the best mate

That's like a thief telling the homeowner he is sorry he has to file an insurance report on all the stolen goods. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Think that will bring comfort to the one who has just lost his valuables to a stranger?

Your W is not your W, she is a WS who is a stranger to you.

Don't talk to strangers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

You're right, folks.

I'm not going to lie; I still love her (or at least who she was) I'm not ready for another R b/c I'm so burned and insecure. Also, I'm not 'over' WxW. SH's admonition of 2 years is beginning to make more and more sense. I'm lonely, and am as vulnerable to desperate decisions as anyone else.

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 01:46 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Come to think of it, that's exactly how OM got involved with WxW--Dv'ing, 'lonely', angry, etc. WxW 'only wanted to help'. Presto! Another family destroyed.

I know there are singles out there to date but is it fair to ANYONE that a man in my emotional state use their company as a distraction? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I agree with Aussie and Orchid here Dleigh. I thought you giving her those tickets was a good idea, but maybe it would be better for you to pull away from her.

Let her feel the consequences of her own actions ie. not having you for a friend, or being able to assuage her guilt. Sever her lifeline.

Also you need to become stronger and she is only keeping you drawn into her.

what confuses me is that someone who spent sp much time and effort trying to get away from me now wants to be buds. She knows I'm catching H@ll right now (work problems, etc.) so I wonder how talking to me assuages her guilt.

what's worse is that her behavior confuses our boys. I wouldn't be surprised if she invited me to her wedding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It assuages her guilt, because although she "fell in love" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> with someone else, she is being supportive of you in the aftermath. So as long as you allow her to be "friends" with you, she doesn't have to face that she detroyed her family, and very nearly you. Because she is helping you now. You see?

Someday you may want her for a friend, but right now what you want from her is not friendship it is love, so speak and live your truth.

She is also still getting her dleigh fix, because a friendship with you is still a kind of intimacy. You love her and are friends with her when her actions proove she is not trustworthy and she is not a friend. She would not have allowed her boyfriend to be at your sons event without preparing you or asking you if you were ready. That was just plain cruel, and it still ticks me off. A friend thinks of their friends feelings and well being.

I didn't agree with this concept when I first came to MB because I was adament that I stay friends with my ex for my DD's sake. But you know what? I don't want to be friends with my ex, he stabbed me in the back while lying to my face. He destroyed the home my daughter could have had. Well for me that was ten years ago but I would do differently now. And he also continued to hurt my feelings, and still does.

You must be respectful and kind to her because of your children, but you do not have to be friends with her.

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 06:17 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

D,

I rarely offer advice on here because I do not feel qualified to do so. I primarily just read and absorb what I see. I am posting something to you now because I have been following your thread for sometime and I see myself all over again.

Listen to Weaver. She is right on. My ex did all of the same and actually a little more. She wanted a friendship so badly (still does) so she can ease her gulty and make herself feel ok about what she has done. Deep down inside she does not feel ok and you need to bring those consequences to the surface by having little to do with her. Only what is minimally necessary for issues regarding the children. She can't have it both ways with you there for the family / children type events and then OM for the rest. That is the best of both worlds usually referred to around here as cake eating. Take away her cake. I have two young children with my ex, it can be done.

Tell her that you have been hurt to your soul by what she has done however you have reached a point of letting go of all of it, tell her good luck and you prefer to focus your energy elsewhere.

Believe me, it will be hard and will not feel like the "right" thing to do but in the long run YOU will feel much better and she may come around with you removed from her life. If you keep doing what YOU are doing you will be constant in PAIN and she will experience of the loss of nearly nothing. That is what causes people to react, the loss of something important in thier lives. Look at you, me and every other BS on here. We all lost something which triggered significant emotions and effort to get back what we lost.

I did it (finally after a little over a year of going through what you are) and feel like a new person. My ex started coming around after about 1 1/2 years and seeing if the door was still open.

I had pretty much given up, was basically ok with it. I had some bad days which diminished into bad moments and subsided further from there. At that point I did not want her back. I still had feelings for her but that was not enough. I couldn't trust her after all that she had done (same as your ex) and did not see her the same way anymore.

I found a wonderful new person in my life which curiously enough, really bothered(s) the ex a lot. She started calling asking questions about my life, this new person and what I was doing. When I maintained my position she was very upset and talked of needing counseling to get over this. Over what I wondered. At this point she had been gone for 1 1/2 years and was now engaged to OM. You never know what goes on inside of someones mind.

Like I said, I am not an expert and am only speaking from personal experience and what I have read on this site and other sources. If SH counsels you to wait 2 years and you want to follow his guidance then please do.

dleightonc, focus on yourself, your kids (eithout ex involved) and resolving your job issues. Start today.

NW

Sometimes I think that this is going to kill me. I haven’t seen or spoken to anyone in two days b/c I’m just so depressed. I want to do something. I want to do NOTHING. Every time I feel I’ve moved forward, something (e.g. OM at soccer game, ultimatums at work, WxW attempts at friendship, etc.) threatens to do me in. Frankly, my ‘running gene’ is fired up. I want to leave this all behind. I want to return to my children emotionally whole. I want to tend to this wound in my soul not as I battle in the fog but as I rest in God’s light.

Too much conflict--both external and internal--is keeping me weak and confused. Do I have to leave everything to move forward?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I just read your story "Help Me with this Pain!!" ...so sorry to hear about what your WS has done. Mine troubles started this time last year...Jan 17th. I had the 'we need to talk' speech given to me. It was hard to hear it. Two weeks later, she tells me at our marriage counselors office that we are separated. I couldnt sleep for a week after that. It hurt so bad....cause I thought at least going to a MC should help things out. Well anyway, I know all about the depression & the feelings of hopelessness. I didnt think I would ever find a friend again. I thought that no one would ever love me again. The mind has a way of being its own worst enemy sometimes. I found that getting myself away from it all to be the most help. Get a new hobby, go to the gym, get a new waredrobe, do something you always wanted to do, go out with friends, go to church, etc, etc. Stay busy. That is very important.
Don't let her selfishness get in the way of you making a better life for you. You dont deserve to be with someone who doesnt care for you. My WW was what Harley calls a "freeloader". She wanted to be around people that made her feel good about herself...that provided her with entertainment. Do you really want to be around someone like that? No, I don't. Its a harsh reality...sometimes people we care about...can change & be very uncaring towards us. I like a lot of other BS have faced that truth.

Stay busy. Its hard to do. But the sooner you forget about her, the better. I know children are involved and that maybe hard to do. But maybe get someone to be a go-between, so you dont have to see her. Dont talk to her either. She is trying to be your friend out of guilt. She is trying her best to be a cake-eater. She wants both worlds...

Do I have to leave everything to move forward?

Maybe so. Sometimes I guess you have to dump the ballast.

Just think what your life could be if you severed the attachments to your WxW and your job. All the negativity they bring to your life, gone.

DLC, I'm not suggesting you give that old business up with a smile. But you do have some power to decide whether it'll rule your life.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> Do I have to leave everything to move forward?

Maybe so. Sometimes I guess you have to dump the ballast.

Just think what your life could be if you severed the attachments to your WxW and your job. All the negativity they bring to your life, gone.


GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Do what you enjoy." That's the credo for forgetting this nightmare.

Ironically, what I love to do is speak. I used to do motivational speaking for youth. I'm good at it, or at least I was. I actually was planning to build a business around it. Now, though, I find that I'm so emotionally raw I can't approach that type of activity with any type of focus or enthusiasm. I want to use my gifts and look ahead. Why can't I shake this?

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Greycloud wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DLC, I'm not suggesting you give that old business up with a smile. But you do have some power to decide whether it'll rule your life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're so right GC. It's Old Business. I have to move. Forward, on. up, out. Doesn't matter, as long as I'm moving. New supervisor begging me to stay. His bosses wishing I'd go. Drama. WxW trying to buddy up while pulling our boys into her fogworld. Drama. Me immobilized by depression, while the world merrily turns. Pathetic.

I've got to get up, or this thing will crush me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

dlc,

You have a new supervisor "begging you to stay". Why is he/she begging you to stay? Is it because you are good at what you do? Is it because the supervisor feels you can help him/her? Is it because the supervisor needs your help to succeed?

Let me offer you this to think about. If your supervisor is willing to stick his/her neck out for you, then you owe it to him/her to perform and make them look BRILLIANT. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is time you focused on helping someone else, and a really good place to start this process is at work where someone is in your corner.

Make that supervisor look like BRILLIANT judge of talent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It is time DLC. IT is time you got a grip and start up out of this hole, and a good way to do that is looking outward.

I am sure you recall the old advice. When you find yourself in a DEEP the first thing you should do is.... put the shovel down. Put the shovel down DLC, and start looking up.

God Bless,

JL

DLC,

I'm new to your story.

I'm having a lot of trouble at work too.

Can we help each other some way.

My problem right now is motivation.

-AD

Dlt -

Don't burn your bridges with your WxW, but do let her know that you're still grieving and in recovery, and it's very difficult for you to spend time with her. Ask -- gently, if you can -- for her to let you be for a while. That buys you some time, which is really what you need. There is nothing better than the serenity that NC will lbring you. It only takes a couple of days to get there, too, once you're out of contact.

What are you buying time for? For your own emotional healing, for your nerves to settle and your depression to ease. It takes time. Quite a lot of it, in fact.

In a few weeks or months, when things aren't so raw, you can re-evaluate what level of contact you want with her. For now, it's creating extra levels of pain.

I would also suggest that you might, during the time when you're reducing your contact with her, set up specific times when you and she can get together. The thing with the concert tickets is a fine example. You might also want to do a weekly sit-down over coffee to talk about how the kids are doing. Not at either person's house, necessarily -- go to a coffee shop. Don't make it long -- half an hour or so would surely be enough.

That way, you limit the amount of time you have to spend with her, and also limit the amount of time you need to be upbeat, positive, and control those godawful LBs. *Yes, they're still a bad idea, even though you're divorced. They're a bad idea for everyone.)

I dunno where you and she are going. I do know that while she's involved with OM, I would suggest that you stay far away from anything more than what I've outlined above. In the long run? Who knows. Personal reconciliation IS possible, even when marital reconciliation is not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> dlc,

You have a new supervisor "begging you to stay". Why is he/she begging you to stay? Is it because you are good at what you do? Is it because the supervisor feels you can help him/her? Is it because the supervisor needs your help to succeed?

Let me offer you this to think about. If your supervisor is willing to stick his/her neck out for you, then you owe it to him/her to perform and make them look BRILLIANT. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is time you focused on helping someone else, and a really good place to start this process is at work where someone is in your corner.

Make that supervisor look like BRILLIANT judge of talent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It is time DLC. IT is time you got a grip and start up out of this hole, and a good way to do that is looking outward.


God Bless,

JL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My new supervisor wants me to stay b/c he's a friend and he thinks I still thinks I have much to offer at the University of my employment. I AM good at what I do; but shouldn't I give my best? I can't do that under the conditions in which they want me to work--things beyond my supervisor's control.

I'm at the halfway point. I'm asking the adminstration to meet me there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just J:
<strong> Dlt -

Don't burn your bridges with your WxW, but do let her know that you're still grieving and in recovery, and it's very difficult for you to spend time with her. Ask -- gently, if you can -- for her to let you be for a while.


I dunno where you and she are going. I do know that while she's involved with OM, I would suggest that you stay far away from anything more than what I've outlined above. In the long run? Who knows. Personal reconciliation IS possible, even when marital reconciliation is not. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good advice J. I wonder I she is in a place to honor my request, or will I have to go back to avoiding her like I did immediately post-dv. Also. she is engaged to OM, so I guess I'll be distant for a loooong time, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

No matter, the less pain--and that whole sitch is a ball of it--the better.

Thanks for your balanced insight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ThornedRose:
<strong> It could be that she is finally seeing the man she knew deep down she married--but never showed his face during the course of the marriage--

The changes you've made are probably things she seen in you all along--but because of your own beliefs that you were the perfect husband--you didn't see how you could be better...that with the fact she's probably really starting to see OM for who he is--she's remembering WHY she married you to begin with--

All of those qualities that were buried and hidden through-out your marriage she's seeing again in a new light--
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Interesting take. Could be true. She's so proud, though, that I doubt she'd ever admit those feelings...