My smile message icon on the last message did not show - just trying it again... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi VS! I just read your latest post after returning from being out of town for a few days.( we went on our first family trip to WDW wow!) I see you got some good advice about backing off the ultimatum. A WH in a fog is not going to have ANY capability of seeing beyond his immediate gratification. When my H moved into OW's condo he would stop by our house to shovel the snow and see the kids a few evenings a wk. I would allow him to eat dinner leftovers if he wanted. One night I even made his fave dinner.( I know this is a Plan B no-no!) I learned to use the relationship-lite approach with him as if he were a new boyfriend rather than my old DH. ( I knew he had been looking at apts and interviewing lawyers on his lunch hrs. at the urging of OW who wanted commitment to her) I felt deep down in my gut that because we had been thru so much together ( 15 yrs of marriage, many job related moves for his career, 3 kids, his parents demises) that he still had strong feelings for me despite his insanity fog talk. I recommend you read all you can about Plan A and B on this site and in Harley's book and then go with your gut regarding what to do next. Take care- lifeismessy

VSN,

I am very sorry about your situation. Have you exposed his affair?

You are right that you won't be able to work on the marriage until the OW is out of the picture. Give her a nudge: if she is married, tell her husband. If she's not married, tell anyone you can think of who has influence over your H.

Hi, LIM! Thanks for the reply. I think the majority of my actions are because I feel he still has strong feelings for me and did not know the true depth of my feelings for him - and yea - I admit was doing a darn poor job of making deposits in his love bank. I was amazed just reading the Table of Contents of "His Needs, Her Needs." Had we both known that stuff and worked to apply it even a little bit in recent years, we'd never have gotten to this miserable place. Then again, I'm no doormat so he best not dwaddle too long showing me he wants me in his life over the OM. I admire people on this site that have stuck it out for months on end. That is not for me - I've committed to doing everything in my power to saving my marriage for 3 months past D-Day (until March 18)and if I don't have true hope it is headed in a positive direction on that day, I'm going immediately to Plan B.

AndrewA - You caught me. I've told no one of importance to my WH about the A except his best friend and a good friend of mine that happened to call our house on New Year's Eve after midnight when I was totally down, by myself, and kids were in bed. He knew something major was wrong and practically dragged it out of me. He also told me that he would not mention it to my WH at my request but that if my WH mentioned it to him, he would do everything in his power to bring him to his senses because no OW could compare to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is just not my style to spread things that will cause other people to feel upset or cause negative repercussions on my children. I figure the less people that know of the A, the better chances are my children will never have to hear anyone talking about it. I do have a bit of an issue because my MIL and good friend has e-mailed me and I have not responded. I don't even know if she knows we are separated! I have never ignored her e-mails before and am tempted to tell her of the A... but my gut says no. I guess I'm in a quandry about that whole exposing thing... and I don't want to tangle with the OW that lives in another state. It would just bring me down to her level. I don't know her name, age, marital situation and (most days) don't care to know. MY WH knows it is critical the OW is out of the picture for us to work on this marriage and I think he will tell me when he returns from his trip a week from tomorrow that she is out of picture so we can work on it. If not, I may have to reconsider exposing the A more. Thanks for your reply!

Correction to the first paragraph - the other person in my WH's life is an "OW" - NOT an "OM"! Don't think I'd even attempt to compete with a man in this! I don't have the right equipment.

"I don't have the right equipment."

For anyone that read my last post and wondered at the last sentence (above), I was kidding! Don't want to give the impression that I'm weird or willing to go to weird lengths for my WH. (NOT SO!) I was also kidding when I asked if I should cancel all my phones earlier. Sometimes I get a big urge to lighten things up like they use to be but because things are so dark at times. What I need to do is accept the lightness from elsewhere as enough for now - like from my 2-year old twins and older son. Twin "B" was so sweet yesterday - he cuddled with me a lot more than he normally does, danced for a good 10 minutes with me to a song we both like(Babe I Love You) and was a perfect angel except for the mac & cheese last night he was shooting out of his mouth at dinner. I even found humor in that! Of course, I quickly killed the chuckle and told him to pick up all the mac & cheese...after like a few more macaroni missles slip by. Back to me and my WH - we did have a nice conversation yesterday a.m., his voice was relaxed and "normal" and I did not get a hint the OW was there so I did not ask...