Today I have received the following email from my WH. I feel almost disloyal posting it here. I moved out with the kids into a new place at the beginning of December after his continued contact with OW. I've never gone dark - it just wouldn't work in our situation (we are expats in Asia) but I have been very good at getting on with life without him. Any comments would be appreciated. The subscription referred to is a Friend Finder thing that occurred on his credit card. When going through our finances, I'd commented by email that if he had found the love of his life, why was he still subscribing.

"I don't believe I've found the love of my life. The reason why I made a subscription was because of some suspicions I have about "the love of my
>life" and you shouldn't read between the lines.
>
>I'm very very much filled with guilt over all that has happened. I cannot understand why this has happened. I would never have believed this
>would happen to me. I am truly sorry. I don't know what to do, where to go, who to speak to. I'm in a deep deep hole trying to do what I think is best to get out or make the best out of it all (whatever that means).

>It breaks my heart coming home - It kills me leaving. What I find most comforting is that when I do visit you seem "unaffected" (I'm sure this is not the case) but it helps me see what a [censored] I've been. Christmas day killed me. There is so much I want to change. I want to open up to you but I don't think I can. Why I don't know.
>
I want to say sorry, I want to give you a big hug, I want to be able to turn back the clock, stop time, think about how f**ked up things could get. I know its too late. I know things can never be the same.
>
>I know you want to talk, at the moment I can't. I know I care for you, I know that will never change. Perhaps I now realise how deeply I do feel for you despite what I may have said. I don't know if that is love but ....
>
>Sorry this is just what has come to mind and my fingers move. These words have not come without a tear. If I would try to say this to you
>face to face - I guess I couldn't and would do my usual thing and say nothing.
>
>Sorry this sounds like a rant from a ****ed up stupid [censored]." TT
>

Sorry this sounds like a rant from a ****ed up stupid [censored]

* nods* The only fog-free bit of self pity there.

When his actions match the 'so sorry' words, he's changing. Until then he wants your permission to feel better about himself IMO.

Keep up 'plan A'. Its obviously working !

{{{TT}}}

Morning/evening Bob - Are you still in LV? I'm not reading too much into this but it was the first indication in nearly one year that he has screwed up here. I knew that a long time ago. What I need from Peter are words. An email is not good enough. This man CANNOT talk about anything that is important. So actually, I'm not really looking for action, I'm looking for a man who can look me in the eyes and say how terribly sorry he is for inflicting his selfish affair on 4 lovely girls. TT

Hey TT -

I'd say that your H is starting to re-think some of his actions.... Keep up a good Plan-A and show him what he's missing...

If you haven't clearly told your H what your boundaries and expectations are for him to return... now might be a good time to let him know what he needs to do in order to move back in with the family.

Until his actions match his words, then stick with your boundaries...

BTW, I have three daughters too... The Cat and I are kind of out numbered out our house... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

Dear Spouse,

I accept 50% responsibility for our pre-affair marriage. (the good and bad bits)

Your choice to have an affair was zero % my responsibility.

If you are ready to return to our marriage and re-commit to the family, the following are my terms:

1.(( list the terms here very clearly ))
No contact of any kind with OW.

2. A NC letter written to OW so she is not misled.

3. Counseling together so both of us can learn and then practice better relationship skills and create a lasting happy marriage. ((etc. whatever you want))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you can meet these terms write to me and I will hold your hand gladly as we walk this journey together.

You may have one more chance. Our marriage can be rebuilt stonger than before.

Love, TT

<small>[ January 15, 2005, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep-

You're the bomb....always know exactly what to say. I envy your level head. Where do I get me one of those??

-Caren

TT-

Yes, I think that 'paradise' may be on it's way downhill.

Keep on fighting the good fight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

This is far too early for me to think about him moving back in. For more than 3 yrs I put up with a very miserable husband. He was unaffectionate, miserable, a terrible father and a lousy husband. It is hard to remember the good times because I'm so caught up in his behaviour during the affair. He treated me so badly. A trip of a lifetime for us (campervan holiday in Oz) was ruined by his sulking and feeling sorry for himself. I believe he was dealing with a lot of painful emotions but he inflicted it on himself. I never forced his [censored] into that hole.

I am so scared of him coming back inflicting his misery on me again. Of course, he hasn't said he wants back in yet but somehow I sense it coming. On Dday, I asked him to get tested and insisted his mobile phone be left out. If I wanted to check it, it should be my perogative. He said that means you don't trust me. Duh! God I hate this CRAP. He did nothing to help me and I am so sick of being the giver.

Hey RIF, we got a boy dog to go with our 3 daughters!

Pep does the nice version. Me, I do the reverse babble bit sarcastic one. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WS: Your letter was very interesting to say the least. Not sure where your logic is....seeing that going to FF because your love life isn't where you want it to be for that matter you sound like you don't know where you want to be. It sounds crazy to me but hey, it's your choice.

As for your sad times, well there'll be more. Seems you like it that way. By going to FF kidn of places you will give yourself the opportunity to meet more low lifes. One of them will eventually do you in and that w/b your choice.

It is sad such a once intelligent person like yourself has become so illogical. It is scary to me.

At this time, it is not possible to put the lives of our family in your hands. Not sure if you are safe to yourself right now. Hope you get help for that and not via FF or any other sleezy place.

Actually I am glad you feel some pain when you are around us. Lets me know your conscience is still working even if you have buried it with tons of guilt and justification for the A.

BTW you feel that you can not undo the past. You are right, you can't but you can make better choices for the future. We are still your family and love the H and dad that once loved us. The current WS wacko isn't him, so please go find our dad and H. Our family misses him. So do I.

Let our dad and H know we love him dearly and worry about his safety. Hope he kicks the crap out of the WS and finds his way home.

Sincerely,
BS.


Something like that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Orchid, you should pay for your advice. I can't believe that Harley or anyone could have found a better choice of words. Thanks, TT

I just re-read his email. Isn't it weird how she made him feel sooo good about himself a short time ago and now he sounds like some kind of desperado. He does worry me though. He has a lot of horrible health issues too. Yuck.