Ok, a little background... I'll try to make a long story short here...

I used to be on the internet constantly. I was having affairs with many different people that I had met on message boards and in online roleplaying games.

I kept it all hidden, of course, but I was finally so confused and torn that I nearly left OnceAKnight for one of the men that I was talking to online.

I realized that I didn't want to do that, but I still kept the others hidden from OAK. A few days later, OAK found a picture that I had tried to send to one of the OM's in my email....

I tried very hard to minimize it all... I realize that this was a huge mistake on my part.

Then OAK found the chat logs on my laptop, and therefore all the other people that I had had inappropriate relationships with.

He wanted to know every detail of what went on. I have no problem with that, but I will admit that I was involved with a LOT of men (and *cringe* one woman) and it's very difficult for me to remember everything.

I was in a very bad place in my head when all of this was going on, and a lot of the things that may have been very important looking back on it I just can't remember very well now.

I want SO BADLY for OAK to trust me, and to know that I have told him everything that i remember. I know he doesn't necessarily believe me, and thinks that I still keep some things secret. He also does not believe that there was no physical contact with any of them.

(To tell the truth, I don't blame him for not believing me, because I did lie to him on a number of things... it just stings that the one thing I told the truth about from the beginning is something he thinks is false.)

Did anyone else have difficulty remembering things in detail? It seemed like I would have a broad idea of what went on, but when I would search for the little details that OAK was looking for, they would elude me. I feel horrible that I can't remember it in photographic detail to share with him so that he can recover.... I'd just like to be able to give him a complete picture, you know? Sometimes I feel like I don't even have that.

Sorry to hear of you're trouble, but you have come to a good place for help.

As for remembering, my WW has told me many times she has a hard time remebering things, and that has made a lot of this harder for me at times.

You need to be an open book and alow your self to open up as much as you can. Be patiant with you're H as he has lots of questions at this point. If he thinks you are not being honest it will be harder on him.

Be as true and honest as you can, don't skip over things and alow you're H time to understand what he is going through.

He will have lots of questions, do the best you can to answer and be honest and open up everything to him. You need to earn back his trust all over again.

Dont hide anything, it will only make things worse.

another idea would be to tell him that although you dont remember every little detail at this time, when things start to come back to you--and they probably will.....you will tell him. i know its not a comfortable thing to do but going to him and saying, i remember something and then asking him if he wants to know will go a long way in building trust. you will be opening up to him something that is potentially hurtful but also showing him that you are willing to do it. that will speak volumes....putting his needs ahead of your own shame and discomfort.

Thank you for the swift replies...

I have made him the promise that I will tell him if/when I remember other details (D-Day was about 6 months ago)

My memory is very clouded because not only was I lying to OAK, I was also concealing the others from one another... this makes it very hard to remember who I told what, when... I'm working on it though.

Sometimes I feel like OAK has more details than I do, because he has written logs of most of it. He read it all at once and knows exactly what I said to whom, and my memory is no where near as perfect as the computer is

I realize that it's an uphill battle, and I am trying my best... thanks for the advice folks!

Falling,

Gonna a share a piece of insight with you. WS generally have failing memories due to the web of lies. You lose a lot of gray cells when you lie, cheat and steal (non-medical theory - LOL!!!).

BS usually have keen and focused memory making their recall quite accurate and painful. Slight distortion c/b had but not much.

What this does is now put the WS at the disadvantage (this is why exposure is sooo vital). The WS feels vulnerable and not safe.

The BS on the other hand now feels in more control and is out to get rid of the WS in their lives. The BS want to get a good spouse back and so the next journey begins.

It is hard for the BS to understand how the WS can have such a memory loss. My Xws told me that many times. He said it was like I had the e-mails embedded in my bed. I did. I could quote almost verbatum some of those e-mails.

But it is ture the Xws doesn't want to remember or be reminded. However many a BS need to remember in order to be able to see progress. H & I discussed this. It became his job as the xws to help me through my triggers and he was informed that periodically I would bring up the A sitches. As a BS, I promised to keep those occurences to a minimum as much as possible. So we are both working on it together.

That I think is the key, t/b working on it each in our own way but together for the benefit of the family.

JMHO,
L.

Welcome to MB. Be prepared to answer some very UNcomfortable questions. That is a part of the process that most WS find irritating and tiresome. ie; "Why do we have to go over this again and again? I already told you everything I remember!"

Why all the questions? Because the BS has the need to find equilibrium after the shock and horror .... The typical BS experiences questions as if the were pop-up-ads in his consciousness. Things on his mind might be relatively smooth, then *wham* a pop up worry-question-anxiety-doubt comes to mind and unless that ad is cancelled out, he is too distracted and anxious to function normally, his desk top is too crowded.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wanted to know every detail of what went on. I have no problem with that, but I will admit that I was involved with a LOT of men (and *cringe* one woman) and it's very difficult for me to remember everything.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ahhhh. Exciting was it? No guilt while you were doing all of this?

I have an uncomfortable question to ask ... but you may not be ready to answer, that's OK. But if I don't ask this now, I may forget the question. So here it is, answer if you choose.

Think of yourself as a human bank. You have a finite amount of human currency to spend over your lifetime. Your human currency is your time and your energy.

How much time did all of this take up in your life? Your family, your son, your work, did not have your full attention while you were involved with so many people.

Think about all the hours you spent doing this secretive activity ... how many hours do you reckon?

How much energy did you expend? I don't mean time right now, I mean emotional energy. You are not an UNlimited resourse of energy, and the energy you spent with strangers online was very important to you.

You spent your time and energy away from your family because .... why? You need to know why. Try not to answer with a low-calorie answer. Go for the deep look inside yourself. Probe yourself. Your answers will NOT be pretty or self-flattering, but go there anyway. It's your only exit from this purgatory of never-ending questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want SO BADLY for OAK to trust me, and to know that I have told him everything that i remember. I know he doesn't necessarily believe me, and thinks that I still keep some things secret. He also does not believe that there was no physical contact with any of them.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some wise-head on recovery said this:

Trust is not like winning the lottery ... you are not suddenly bestowed with this desire outcome. Trust is like earning a paycheck. You have to earn it in a much more grindingly tedious method.

If I were you, I would worry LESS about your spouse trusting you, and be more concerned if you can trust yourself to spend your personal time and energy in ways more suitable to a wife and mother.

Make trusting yourself your business, and allow your spouse to work through his trust issues on his timeline. It is not your business if he trust you or not, it is his. Your business is demonstrating behavior that is trustworthy. If you keep your half of the marriage tidy, he will eventually drop his distrust. Distrusting you takes a lot of personal energy for him, and he will eventually find better more meaningful ways to spend himself. (when he feels safe)

Meanwhile, have some FUN with your family. I am a huge advocate for FUN between all the hard work that recovery requires.

Spend your time and energy wisely my dear.

Pep

<small>[ January 16, 2005, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep is right on the money. My hubby did this and it is very painful in fact the one question Pep asked you really hit me hard with all the time and energy spent online.

I think I may ask my Hubby the questions that were presented to you. What a great way to try to figure out what was going on.

Be an open book to your H, you've broken his trust and have to earn it back! Love the trust analogy Pep also presented.

Good luck to you and your family, you are in a great place

Hi, FallingUp

There are good folks here and they have/will give you good advice about recovering your relationship.

I haven't been hanging out here for very long, only 7 months or so, and my marital issues are far, far behind me. That is just to let you know that I am not well versed in the strongly held principles used on this site.

There are a few things that I would like to mention to you for your consideration.

These are rhetorical questions that you would ask yourself, and require no response to me, unless you just want to.

Do you know WHY you did what you did? What factors in yourself caused you to think that engaging these other people in highly charged emotional and sexual conversations, was good for you, or the relationship? What entitled you to behave in such a manner?

Make sure that you are not blaming your husband for your actions. Your actions are your responsibility, and yours alone.

Have you come COMPLETELY CLEAN with your husband regarding ALL of the interactions?

I don't mean detail here, I mean all the people you have involved. The reason I ask is this.

Consider how you use your nose in your everyday life. You smell the wash to make sure it is clean. Maybe you loved the way your baby's breath smelled or the way he smelled behind his ears. You use you nose to tell you if food is good or bad, or to detect a moldy smell that tells you if something is wet that shouldn't be.

In the same way you use your nose, spouses have a sense of each others well being. Just like a bad smell, a spouse will eventually detect that the other spouse 'isn't just right' or 'something is amiss'. They just don't seem right.

Your husband may be remembering the 'bad smell' of the affairs for a long time. Like anything else, though, it will fade over time.

What you need to do is to make sure that there are no lingering odors from *undisclosed* rot, then go about helping your husband disperse the lingering odors.

All the best,
Gimble

You all have given me a lot to think about, and when I have more time and my thoughts are a little more orderly, I'll put some of it into words... my posts tend to turn into short reference books by the time I'm done... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I know that the trust won't come back overnight, and I don't want to pressure him into it, really. I know that sometimes rapid healing isn't the best.

Oh, and to answer the time question, Pep... well over a year, 12-18 hours a day, every day, so...
(takes off her shoes to count) about 7000 hours... or 292 days, if you would prefer.

I'm still working on the why's and will post more when I have opportunity.

Thanks again, folks.

-FallingUp