Standing Together,

I've been reading up on some of your posts. I really like the advice you have been giving.

I found out about my H EA at the end of Sept. I moved out and by the end of Dec. we were divorced.

I think he went throught the D so quickly so no one could say that he was having an affair.

My question is How do I act with him now? We talk about once every 1 or 2 weeks.

The last time we talked he told me that he couldn't believe how he always fought for everything but he never fought for our M. That meant a lot to me. He said he thought about me when he was with OW and her daughter. He also said that he was remembering alot of good times more than the bad times. He cried alot when we talked.

All I could say was that I was still willing to work on things when he was ready.

I don't know whether to cut off all contact or just be friendly when we talk.

I pray daily that he will find God and that God will soften his heart.

I appreciate any advice you can give me. Thanks

SWN,

I don't have time to reply right now. I'm on my way soon to the hospital to see my MIL (see above thread) but I will reply sometime today. A very gracious thank you for seeking me out in the midst of all these wise MB that have been at it a lot longer than I have.

Let me think on your sitch for a bit & I'll try to provide you w/some answers. Thanks again.

Love in Christ,
Y

Standing Together,

My prayers are with your MIL and family. I hope everything turns out alright.

The Ministries Restore is a very interesting website. Are you a member?

I sought you out because you have similar beliefs and I think it would be beneficial to talk to someone like you.

I will wait patiently for your response. May God Bless You and Your Family.

SHN,

Yes, I belong to Restore Ministries. They helped so much during my separation. I followed their plan along w/the MB plan & my H came home after 4 months. I still follow the biblical principles & it's helped me become the biblical W that we read about in the Bible.

So, I'm taking that the D was initiated by him? Let me ask, did he ask you to leave or did you make him choose & he chose her? Ultimatums are a funny thing. You really have to have the guts to follow through w/them. I try not to make them. I always told myself that if my H had another A, I would be out of there (he had a ONS previously). Well, the way I see it is that satan heard that & used it against me. He created a situation, a temptation if you will for my H who had the weaker soul. H gave in to that temptation & the rest is history. Now, many people will say that when we talk about satan that it makes it seem as if people don't have control of their actions, but yes they do. What happens is satan creates the temptation, lays it in front of somebody & then that person has the choice to either give in to it or resist it.

In my case, H chose to give in to the temptation & the bad thing is, once they give in to the temptation, the consequences are really severe. H will always have to pay for that sin in some way or another. Yes, God will & has forgiven him, but H will have to suffer the consequences.

I believe at this point you should be friendly. The D has gone through. Keep praying. It's working. God is softening his heart. But, you have to be prepared. This will be a spiritual battle since you've enlisted God's help. Sometimes he'll be back & forth w/being nasty maybe or cold, indifferent & then being pleasant. The question is, are you ready to handle that? It will be a long, hard road but one that will be worth it in the end.

Remember, D does NOT mean the end. There's a lady that posts on the Prayer Request forum that is restoring her M after 2 years of D. And also remember, NOTHING is impossible w/God!

Love in Christ,
Y

Standing Together

Yes the divorce was initiated by him. At first I did not know about the EA. He came home one day crying and said that he didn't feel things were working out and he felt we needed to seperate.

I also felt the same way. We had been fighting a lot and I just wasn't happy. I tried so hard to make him happy but little did I know something else was going on.

I moved out that same week. He asked me to stay and he would leave to stay at his grandmother's for about a week. I didn't know what was going to happen with us. We were living in his grandmother's rental and I felt that if I stayed and things didn't work out I would eventually have to leave.

So I moved. I felt strange. I knew something was going on because he cried so much and just the way he was acting. I asked him to talk to me one day and he said he couldn't because he didn't feel like crying.

A couple of days later he finally spoke up and said he liked someone else. Someone he worked with.

I did not go psycho on him. I just told him that we could work things out but he had to cut off all communication and he agreed. The next week he told me he could not stop talking to her and he asked her to continue calling him.

It went back and forth for about a month until he finally told me they were trying to start a relationship.

I decided to leave him alone and let him try out this new thing. I moved back to our hometown which is about an hour away.

I've already been dealing with the nastiness and like I said he cried the other day that we talked. He has been back and forth. It is hard but I am willing to deal with it.

I keep praying for patience because I feel like I'm in a rush for him to make a decision. I have not told him that of course. It is just in my thoughts.

Do you think I should call or wait for his calls?

Thanks

At this point, I believe you should wait for his calls. It doesn't seem like you're out of his system. When he has a chance alone, he will think about things. It happened to my H. Even though he was still seeing her, the times he was by himself, looking at his 4 walls, seeing his kids' pictures around him, he couldn't do anything else but think. He had to put away my picture b/c he kept remembering the good times we had & he didn't want to remember. He wanted to concentrate on the bad things, the reasons he left, to justify his actions for having an A. After a while, that didn't work anymore. He actually had to face what he had done.

The nastiness is his way of justifying his every move. It's also a way of pushing you away in order for YOU to give up on HIM. He wants you to walk away from him first so he doesn't feel guilty.

Praying for patience is a really good thing. You are definitely going to need it. And also for strength - you'll need a lot of that too.

Okay, you both went your separate ways. Do you have any kids? If so, this will keep you two tied for a lifetime. If not, there really isn't a reason for you two to talk now that you're D'd, but he is talking to you. If he really wanted nothing to do w/you, he would stop that. I don't believe he wants you out of his life completely. He probably wants you two to be "friends". You can try that for a while - be his friend. A H & W should be friends first but it can be really heartbreaking for the BS b/c while trying to be a "friend" you'll hear some things that you don't want to hear. Question is -- can you handle that?

I had to learn to hear things I didn't want to hear. As much as it hurt, I would listen to him talk about his R w/the OW b/c he wanted that friend he could turn to & he always thought that we could be friends if we parted. After a while, that got way too intense for me. I couldn't handle it. So I chose to walk away from him for a while until I was able to heal from the betrayal, the separation, etc. He couldn't handle THAT. The walking away from him. He always thought that I would always be there NO MATTER WHAT. He couldn't handle me turning away from him so he chose to come back to try again.

Anything can happen from this point on. You just have to be ready for anything. It seems like you're on the right track from what you've wrote here. You also seem very calm at this point. Am I off-base?

Love in Christ,
Y

Standing Together,

You got it right!

I will try my hardest to wait for his calls. Sometimes I can't stand it and I call him but for the most part I think I'm doing pretty good.

We don't have kids.

I am trying to prepare myself for the day I hear things I don't want to hear. I think if it gets to that point and I can't handle it I will just have to let him know.

I am very calm. I told him when this all started that I have this peace inside of me that I've never felt. I never really got angry. I did feel betrayed and worthless but got over that fast.

I guess since I knew we were having problems I can understand how this happened. I'm not saying what he did was right but like you said the devil brings temptation and my H was weak.

I know this is a time for me to work on myself and change things that I need to change. I've learned alot about relationships and have come to see all the things I did wrong.

Have you been on the website for Family and Marriage Today? This is a very useful website. I wish I could get my H to look at it.

You are being so helpful. I really appreciate it.

SHN,

No, I've never been to that website. I've heard good things about it though.

Don't have kids then? And you're D'd? No reason for him to stick around. He could just go his own way & you go yours. Seems like you're going your own way. Wonder why he's not getting on w/his "happy" life. This is what he wanted. Grass ain't always greener on the other side. In fact, usually when you get there, you usually step in a pile of cow****. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Seems like you're right on track. Keep up the good work!

Love in Christ,
Y

ST,

Well I got an e-mail from my XH today. He asked questions about family, school, if I was moving. He wanted to know what was new in my life. I'm going to wait til tomorrow to e-mail him back. I just want to make sure I say the right things and make sure not to mention anything about reconciling, so not to pressure him.

Thanks for all your support and advice.

SHN

SHN,

You're doing well. Let him know (by not e-mailing him till the next day) that you're doing ok w/o him. Not to actually tell him that, but by your actions it'll be said loud & clear.

Love in Christ,
Y

Sorry to jump in. I read this entire post, and I must say StandingTall you have a very healthy attitude and seemingly perfect advice.

What is Restore Ministries?

Thank you MommyCBaby. Can I just call you Mommy? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

When my H first left, I had nothing better to do other than work on myself & get my R right w/God first. I thought it was good to begin with, but I learned a lot during that 4 months, mostly that I had my H on a pedastal that rightfully belonged to God & I didn't even realize it. So, in essence, the thanks belongs to God b/c he changed me into the person I am today.

Most of the support I give to women who are in troubled M's now is from the help I received at Restore Ministries , an organization dedicated to helping people who have marital difficulties get their R's right w/God in order for God to save their M. It is ran by Erin & Dan Thiele who were apart for 2 years before their M was restored. Now they go around helping others who are in the same situation they found themselves in. They look at all of this as a spiritual crisis, not a marital crisis. Erin shows women what they need to do to become the biblical W that is talked about in the Bible & Dan helps the men be a biblical H.

It is an awesome organization & I recommend everyone take a look at their website & join. The books are real eye-openers!

I'll have to look around till I find your thread & check it out. Do you have a similar story?

Love in Christ,
Y

StandingTogether, sorry I got your name wrong last night.....I will check it out.

My MIL is very religous and says all the time that WH is not GOD, and that I should let GOD take over, I need to move forward with my life.

It's all very good advice, but it's so difficult to live the advice. I will try.

Yes, you can call me Mommy or Christine.

Thanks, again
Christine

Okay, Christine it is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your MIL is a very wise woman. Putting faith in a human will surely disappoint you. Only God is the true source of faith. I didn't rely on my H's words or actions at all during our separation. I only relied on God that He was the faithful one who would pull our M back on track. H couldn't do it, I couldn't do it, together possibly, but w/o God in the picture, we would surely have failed again.

You're so right. It's very difficult. But well worth it in the end. Taking that first step to being completely, utterly helpless & telling God that you can't do it alone & you need His help is often the most difficult. Humbling yourself to the point that you can see every sin you've ever committed as if it happened yesterday & then asking God for forgiveness & starting a new path toward Him is hard but very rewarding in the end.

Love in Christ,
Y

Christine

I'm glad you've joined the thread. ST is very helpful.

ST

Today was not a good day. Through this whole situatuion I have tried to stay away from knowing the details of my xh's new life. I don't want to know where he is, who he's with, or what he's doing.

Today I talked to a friend and she told me she decided to pass by his house and see if he was there. She said he was not there and that she passes by a lot and he's never there.

I did not ask for this information and did not enjoy hearing it. It made my mind start to wander. I don't want to do that to myself. I guess I'm kind of over it now but I stressed myself out earlier just thinking about it.

I still have not e-mailed him back yet. I think I'll do it tomorrow. I thought a lot about reconciling today. Was it weird for you and your H? Did you guys go back to your normal routine or are things totally different?

I don't know what is wrong with me today but I just have a lot of crazy thoughts in my head.

To answer your question, yes it was weird, at first. All these different changes we both did, we had to get used to each other all over again. After a while, things started going back to as normal as you can get after this kind of thing hits you, but we're still not there yet. It feels completely new. It resembles the old M to a certain extent, but there are so many changes we both made that it feels completely new & it's wonderful give or take a few triggers that I can't seem to shake right now.

Love in Christ,
Y

ST

My husband emailed me back.

When we were together I was unhappy because he was constantly working. Well he had an interview and the company wanted to hire him. He said he would take it if they paid him so much $.

Anyways I couldn't stand that he thought more about money than being happy in a job. In the email he states "I could see in her face that $ was too much. Oh well, of course when I need or want something I always know what to expect."

What does that mean? How do I reply to that.

He asked me if I'm moving to my own place because right now I am staying with my parents. He wanted to know what I was majoring in for school. He also asked how we should take care of our taxes, and he wants my work phone number.

I don't know what to do. I'm kind of going crazy right now but I'm praying to the Lord to guide me.

SHN,

Who is "her face"? Who's face? And I'm not exactly sure what he means when he says the last part either. It's kind of confusing.

Does sound like he wants to keep the contact going though. It sounds as if he wants to continue a friendship w/you. Are you comfortable w/that?

Love in Christ,
Y

ST,

Sorry, I should have made that clear. "Her" is his ex-boss. He used to work for this university when he was a student. When he graduated he went to work somewhere else. Just recently he had an interview with her.

I don't think I'm comfortable with being just friends right now. But I guess I'm still doing it so I have that contact with him. My expectations are too high. I think everytime I email him back maybe something in what I write will change his mind.

On the otherhand I want to keep communication with him so he will see the changes I am making in my life.

Right now I'm really confused. He emailed me yesterday and said he had disconnected his home phone. He wants me to do our taxes. I don't understand if he does want to be friends, why?

This is what he chose. If he wants me in his life I can't go from being his wife to being just a friend. It is so hard.

You could think of it this way -- God could be trying to start a new R w/the basis of you two being friends first. And then you can build from there.

Love in Christ,
Y