I don't have time to get into the specifics right now, but I have strong evidence that my WW has started another A! I feel like this is starting all over. I did alot of investigation and have a good idea where they are right now. I am going to go there. Man I cannot beleive this!!!

I am shaking so bad it's hard to type. I don't go to church like I know I should (forgive me Lord), but I have been praying for the strength to make the right choices and to help me with what is left of my life. I have probably said the Lord's Prayer and Hail Mary 100 times since last night/early this morning. Those are the only prayers I really know well. God, I have never felt this kind of pain in my life, I can't take it. My chest hurts, I feel nauseous. I can hardly breathe.

I will write more later when I get back from work and hopefully I will feel a little better.

Sorry you are going through all of this. It is completely miserable at first, but does get much better. I am no longer with my WH and don't miss him at all.

You will get there too, if your wife doesn't change her ways soon.

Intruder800 I don't know what has happened by this time but I am going to pray for you right now.

Father, I come to You in the name of Jesus and I ask You to help Intruder800 , Father be with him during this time. Give him peace, Your peace Lord, the peace that passes all understanding. I pray a hedge of protection around Intruder800, to protect him not only from others but from himself. Father help Intruder800 keep a clear head no matter what he finds. Lord Your word says You are with us always, it also says You are our help in times of trouble. That You are our fortress and hightower, that we can dwell in Your secret place and abide under Your shadow. Please be with Intruder800 now, You know our hearts and You know the pain Intruder800 is in. I pray that you will comfort and guide him, in Jesus name I ask it. Amen

OMG Deb!!!!

Sorry to thread jack this, but I can't believe you're here Deb!

How are you and Bozo? Can you offer an update?

Lv,
Hi

OH my gosh! I'm so sorry. I know that 'so upset it's hard to type' feeling.

Don't worry about Hail Mary's or anything like that. Just cry out, yell, scream if you have to, but tell God what your needs are. The Lord's Prayer I believe is an example of HOW to pray, but right now you have specific needs & prayin' to Mary ain't gonna cut it.

I only say this out of caring because you're hurting so badly.

You made this post this morning. It's now evening. How did your day go? Did you confront her?
You poor guy.
I'm so sorry for your hurt. I know how badly it stings.
Know we are here for you for what it's worth.

I was not going to post on this thread, because I find it too painful to read most of what goes on here, and I am sorry, very, very sorry, for what you are going through.

What prompted me to post was what Tess said about praying to Mary not cutting it.
Tess, I guess you are not Catholic, and Intruder, I guess you must be, but telling him that praying to Mary is not going to cut it is insulting to Intruder, all other Catholics and Orthodox, and most especially to Mary AND Jesus.

Jesus Christ, while on the cross, gave Mary to ALL of us as our Mother and praying to her to intercede for us before her Son is one of the best things that we can do. So, Intruder, please keep praying the Hail Mary & the Lord's Prayer and also just talk to Mary and let her know your pain, because she knows about pain, and ask her to pray for you. She is our most powerful intercessor before our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Tess, I know that you are a fine person, and I am not going to get into any fights here with you over this or any other issue, but I felt obligated to defend the Blessed Mother and Intruder's faith.

Intruder, you have my prayers and thoughts.

God Bless you and keep you through this terrible time.


GB

<small>[ January 16, 2005, 06:04 PM: Message edited by: George Bailey ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't have time to get into the specifics right now, but I have strong evidence that my WW has started another A! I feel like this is starting all over. I did alot of investigation and have a good idea where they are right now. I am going to go there. Man I cannot beleive this!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Intruder:

I'm very sorry for you. Although it's painful - can you confirm that WW has in fact started another A? I can say from experience that BS's can sometimes see things that are not there. I'm not trying to minimize what you're going through. Just want to be sure that you are not in more pain needlessly. Make sense???

FR

Man, I am just shattered. I would appreciate it if you all would read a letter I wrote to her and tell me what you think, honestly. What you might change or add, delete ect. I appreciate you taking the time to read it and tell me what you think. Or if you think I should even send it. Last night was really ugly. WW had Wed, & Thurs off and Sat & Sun off. She said she wanted to spend some time with them. She made lame excuses Wed & Thurs. Then Saturday I had an emergency at work and called to see if she planned on spending time with them. She said yes. I asked when. She said later that afternoon. I asked if she could move it up to like now. 11am. She said she would get ready and come get them. She calls back 29 minutes later and says she can't find her keys. I jokingly said "I don't have them?" We determined she had to have them to get into her Apt and she had not left since. So she said she will keep looking and call me in a few. An hour later I called, busy for the next 45 minutes. Then when it did rang went to her answering machine! I was pissed. I made other arrangments and got the job done. Never heard from her. I tried to call and see what the problem was and got the machine. It only rang twice so she had messages. I got to thinking that I bought the machine and still had the receipt. All I needed was the mgf name and I was pretty sure I could get the default code and remotely check her messages. Well the receipt had the model number as well, making my job easy. I checked her messages and agian, unbelieveably, devastated by what I heard. Completely differant guy than the last two. I did a reverse search and got his address. I went there, lucky for me they weren't there. I am riding my MC all over town saying prayers and crying. They did their nasty deed at a friend of hers. I was so back to where I was, if you think you can remember how bad D day is, you can't really until you live it again AND AGAIN. Before November 03 I would NEVER suspect my W would EVER cheat. Last night was so bad I can't put words to it. Thank God for my sister. She lives out of state, but she gave me kind of like "tough love". It really helped. That and the realization that I have to give up on this marriage. I broke down just writng that. This is going to be so hard. I am SO GD sad. But, something broke last night. I am shattered, but I am better than I have been for a long time. Please raed what I wrote to her and tell me what I should change, or if I should even send it.

Thank you all for your support here. You have all been so much help through this HELL.

I wrote to WW:

Dear *******, 1-16-05

You would laugh at me if you knew how long it took me to choose what font, the size of the font, and THEN whether to say Hey *******, or Dear *******, or just ******* or Hey Girl.........You get the point. Sheesh!

Right now I don’t know what is going on with you. Please read this with an open mind and please don’t get defensive. I am NOT attacking you. I just don’t believe what has transpired over the past few days. I found out what was going on with you Saturday night. I know who, where.......well, I can’t actually say I know why. I was going to look into what went on Sunday and Sunday night, but after Saturday night I didn’t think I could without making bad choices. So I give up. You have hurt me deeper than anyone ever has or ever will. I am not saying that to make you feel guilty or anything else. Actually, I’m not sure why I am writing this letter at all. I guess because of all we have shared, all the things we experienced together over the past 14 years. Our trips to Washington, Key West, Ft Desoto and Shell Key, the Zoo, the many great times we shared at the beach and on the boat. The whole thing is very hard for me to understand. I know I loved you and that I missed you so very much. I have missed you for a long time, long before any of your affairs and before you left. The thought of you laying down with another man (I use that term lightly) was overwhelming and devastating. The pain your infidelity caused me I don’t think you will ever know. I hope you never do. I would easily have chosen death if it were an option.

I truly understand that we needed some help, but I also truly believe that we had a very good chance of a future together watching our boys grow up to be young men to be VERY proud of. We had a good foundation on which to rebuild our marriage. I really believe with all my heart that we could have worked things out and lived happily ever after. I mean it, I think you could have lived very (or at least moderately ;-) ) happy. I was so ready to roll up my sleeves and make our family work. Right now, I am ready to roll up my sleeves and make MY life work. You said one time that you felt we had become more like brother and sister. Do you realize how common that is in marriages and how repairable it is?? I have done a lot of research on helping a failing marriage and our problems are VERY standard issue. 50% of all marriages fail as I’m sure you’ve heard. Most didn’t have to. We had nothing in our marriage that was not fixable. I think that changed this weekend.

I realize at this point that you do not want to give us the chance to make it. You have made that so very clear. I feel such a tragic loss in that, not just for me, but for these two really great kids. They certainly don’t deserve what they are having to deal with. They really deserve a Mom and a Dad and a Home. I will provide two out of three.

I am asking you to write me and tell me why this had to happen. I do think you owe me that. Please be clear and tell me what you are really thinking, and what you were thinking. I am really genuinely interested. Listen, I am no longer desperate, and pleading, something broke this weekend. It snapped. It wasn’t pretty. It was almost like (or maybe was) a nervous breakdown or panic attack. I’ve never had either, so I can’t say. But coming out the other end I feel better than I have in a really long time. I know I will still have some very sad, angry, resentful and regretful times, but I am ready to try and work on MY life. They say you have to hit bottom before you come around. I’ve done it. I am not saying that if you were willing to make an effort that I would not be willing to listen and possibly try. I would, IF you were willing to try as well. You have made it clear that this is not what you want. I am ready to sadly move on. I will stay very much out of your business, because “your business” really hurts me. But please write me I need to know your thoughts. I say please because I have asked you to do it before and you haven’t. Do me that one favor.

I love you,
Chris

Chris,

That 'snap' this weekend put your mind and heart in sync didn't it? It will hurt but you now know you can't stay in the same place being played by a WS.

Your letter is really moving but not sure it w/b appreciated. It is like a long intro to a plan B letter without the plan B schedule/requirements. As good as it is, do you want to make it more effective?

L.

believer,

I know you're right, it has been 15 months, I hope it gets better really fast. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />


Bozos_ Deb,

Thank you. I usually have trouble focusing on reading or hearing prayers, they often times don't make sence to me, but your words certainly did. I kept it and put "me" in place of Intruder800. I hope that's OK. I had been riding the motorcycle around the othe day saying prayers and crying pathetically. Even The Lord's Prayer made me cry. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" I must forgive her for this pain. More pain than I have ever endured. "...and lead us not into temptation" I have been tempted towards harm to others and myself, "but deliver us from evil." AMEN!
Thanks Deb


Tess,
I understand exactly what you are saying. I took no offense. Mr. Bailey I think said the same thing you said only in different way. He said "also just talk to Mary and let her know your pain, because she knows about pain, and ask her to pray for you." Both I think are saying, just talk, to God, to Jesus, to Mary, to my Brother, to my Grandmother. I have a lot of folks pulling for me up there ;-)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just cry out, yell, scream if you have to, but tell God what your needs are. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did that too. I felt as if the Hail Mary and the Lord's Prayer were a necessary part of my pleads for help and guidance.

Thanks Tess, for your replies, now and before.

GB,

Thank you SO much for your thoughts and prayers I sincerly appreciate them. I am sure that Tess just meant that one does not necessarily have to know a formal prayer in order to talk to Our Lord Jesus Christ or Mary, or to God. I think the message was to just do it. I respect you for your stand. Thank you.

FR,

Yeah my friend, you make alot of sense. I kind of fell aprt responding to this one
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">can you confirm that WW has in fact started another A? I can say from experience that BS's can sometimes see things that are not there. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FR, trust me, I have confirmation. I have been in denial so much I would love to make this something else, I have been so Freakin good at that, no man, it is what it is. Thanks for being around and responding to my calls for help and guidance

Orchid,

Hi, I really don't know what's in sync with me right now. I realize I need to concentrate on the boys and myself. I know that I am really sad and hurt. I know I am exhuasted from all of this. I know that yesterday and last night were a nightmare. I know that I am ready to give up on this marriage as others have suggested early on since I have been here at MB. How many here have had to suffer D day THREE damn times?!

Not sure what you mean by "more effective". I would like to make it more effective if that means to give ME more closure. This letter is not for her, it was for me. It is almost like I am burying her and saying goodbye. Oh man it hurts, but I know that it is over. Your opinions are VERY welcome and valuable to me. You and others here must think I am somewhat unstable. I wish you knew me and my life before D-day1. I have handled alot of things in my life. Major things, even presently on top of this issue. This has just been overwhelming. You all have made me look at things sometimes from another POV. Some of the things said here have made me look at the reality of things. And then this hits!! REALITY SUCKS <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> This is going to be rough. But I welcome, in fact, ask for more effective ways of handling this.

Thanks all of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You and others here must think I am somewhat unstable. I wish you knew me and my life before D-day1. I have handled alot of things in my life. Major things, even presently on top of this issue. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Intruder: Believe me; no one thinks you're unstable. We've been there and felt the same things. What you're going through is why everyone says that affairs are the cruelest act a spouse could possibly do to another. And the deeper you love; the more it hurts!

Your letter is very good and from the heart. However it will have little if any impact on WW. It's the fog/alien syndrome that you see spoken of on here and your WW is neck-deep.

Orchid is right. If you want the letter to be most effective (as in Plan-B), you should study Plan-B . I am unclear as to your immediate future plans. Do you want to try to keep your M together - no matter what? If the answer is yes; it's going to be a tough road with more trouble and heartache. Given your situation; I'm of the opinion that you should begin a firm Plan-B but would like to hear what some veterans have to say! (Read Plan-B once again Intruder.) It may be your best chance.

There is no question that your WW is in a bad place and there is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will be effective. I'm sorry to say that; but I've lived it and so have many, many more on here. It's time for you to take care of you. In doing so; you will also be helping your situation. Regardless of the outcome of your M; plan-B is good. Take Care. We'll be checking in!

FR

Hey FR,

Do you mind if I ask you about your "Call sign"? Fishracer? Though I enjoy all sorts of competitive racing, I have not heard of racing fish.......it sounds like a new concept though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am unclear as to your immediate future plans. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Man, me too. My immediate plan is to get to bed and get up @ 5:30 and get my boys up, fed and squared away and off to school. Of course my 14yr old takes care of himself, but I like to be there for him. He has to be at his Bus stop by 6:20 and he insists on taking his shower in the morning. Then, I start my day again. I'm sure you know what I am talking about. Last I knew we were in November?? A week is a day. Days go by, months go by. Things aren't getting done. I do the day to day, but it takes all my time. I have so much stuff that I need to do on top of that. The Explorer needs brakes, the Dodge needs oil changed (Months ago), STILL need to do the Hurricane repairs!! JEEEZE, the hurricanes were back in September!! I feel as if I am the one in the "Fog".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you want to try to keep your M together - no matter what? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FR,

God, that question tears me up. Friday, that was my mission. To try and save this M!! This weekend changed everything. What an explosion this weekend!! (We have not heard from her since Saturday BTW) I gave up. If you could have witnessed what I went through this weekend......God. I came so close to crashing. I still don't know if I am going to be OK. I am trying so hard to make the right choices. If I thought there was a slight chance, I would do whatever I needed to do. I love her and our life together as a family. I want my life back. I hate her for what she has done!! I CAN'T STAND TO THINK OF IT ALL!!!! How do you fix this ****!!?????

I'm sorry, it comes in waves, I am so exhausted by it all. I am so busy trying to make sure my business isn't going to fail (It feeds my family and pays the bills) as you know as a business owner (I'm pretty sure you said). I am trying to make everything as "normal" for my precious sons as I can. I am working on my State taxes and Tangible personal property tax. I am also dealing with this **** right in the middle of it all. Alot of folks are dealing with an affair that happened months ago. Me too. But I am also dealing with the second and now the third that is not but a couple days old.

WTF am I supposed to do!!!!!?????? It literally makes me sick.

I hear you on the Plan B. I have printed it and will go over it again. Do you really think, at this point there is any hope?? I don't <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

GOD help us

I am praying for you right this very moment. You are not alone.

GB

Intruder,

First some practical things. As a person who also was a BS to multiple A's, let me assure you that you can live and get through this. It doesn't FEEL like you can, but you can. I would suggest getting the lotion Kleenex (so you don't rub your eyes and nose raw) and some soup (because it's warm and nourishing, and about all you can swallow).

Second, give yourself a break if you can. I was also a business owner, and it required my attention every day, but I just could NOT THINK!! It was like functioning in mud! So I gave myself two days off before a weekend, and took a few days to gather myself a little (leave at 3pm Wed, return at noon the next Mon). It gave me time to make sure my kids were in order, my house was in order, etc. AND it gave me time to cry and scream at God and break down and have a runny nose...and no one saw me. I'm sure as a business owner you have that high attendance record (heehee), and internally you drive yourself to go to work even when you're tired, sick-ish, etc. This is it. This IS the time you've been waiting for...the crisis that is worth taking a day or two off. This is valid and does require your attention. Give it as a gift to yourself.

Finally, I'm going to offer you a gift that is rare, unusual, and priceless. I am a Jewish person, so I do not usually pray to Mary or any saint--I go straight to the Big Guy. But I have a very dear, good friend who is Catholic who was having trouble praying the rosary...so out of respect for him, I learned about it. Then out of respect for him, I prayed it. Much to my surprise, the more I prayed it, the more fully I understood the power of praying the rosary...and for a time, I prayed the rosary on my friend's behalf until he was capable of praying it for himself. I'm offering this gift to you tonight. Okay, I realize that Jewish rosary may be a little funny, but I'll pray for you until you are restored and able to pray for yourself, okay??


CJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you could have witnessed what I went through this weekend......God. I came so close to crashing. I still don't know if I am going to be OK. ****!!?????
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Intruder: The good thing about last weekend is that it's over! I hear you about crashing! But you didn't crash and you are going to be OK.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry, it comes in waves, I am so exhausted by it all. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah yes; the waves!!! Know them all too well. Seems that they's never end. But they will. Slowly at first. Then they'll pop up at the most ridiculous times and try to sweep you off your feet. Whether you realize it or not - you're being strong through this ordeal. And you'll get stronger - by conviction!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so busy trying to make sure my business isn't going to fail (It feeds my family and pays the bills) as you know as a business owner (I'm pretty sure you said). I am trying to make everything as "normal" for my precious sons as I can. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Two points about this: 1) Get with your accountant and file for an extension on your taxes for extreme personal reasons. Tell your CPA that you have personal issues that override all else right now. They will understand. 2) Don't be overly concerned about making things "normal" for your sons. They know there are problems and most likely want to help. (My DD sure did!) It's time to place a little more responsibility onto them. Let them know that you're doing all you can to keep the family together and that you could use their help. Don't bash WW at all costs. It's OK to talk about behavior that is not good for family life, but try not to personalize it. Also; ask them to pray for your family. And just love them!

OK, back to the subject: WW is in a lost world. You have to let her go and detach yourself emotionally as much as you're able. This will be hard - but it's essential. Then begin paying attention to you. (I know that sounds funny - it did to me when I first saw it here.) Restart a hobby that you've given up. Buy some new clothes. Call old friends and get together. Try your best to relax & have a little fun. The waves will still come; but you are now occupying your time with fun stuff. The waves will become less & less fearful. And maintain your distance from WW. (Orchid is much better at explaining how to do this than I. Hopefully; she will interject with some thoughts.) There is quite a bit for you to do here; so that's all for now. I suggest that you schedule one phone-session with Steve Harley. He will also help you deal. He sure helped me deal with my sitch!

Keep us up to date and spend time with yourself!

FR

Hi Chris,

I haven't posted to you in a little while but I have been following your threads.

First,I just wanted to say I am sorry for your continued pain.It sometimes feels like you are being torn apart but you WILL get better,one day.Keep that in your mind ok? Keep repeating it to yourself or put a note on the frig.You HAVE to have this goal set for yourself so you will have a place to reach for out of the pain.

Second,I know you are not there yet,but one day,I hope you will get to a place where you realize that your WW is the one who has the problems and you have to stand back and allow her to go on her way,let her go.You cannot control what she says or does and if it's hurting you you need to take yourself out of the situation.This definitely applies to Infidelity but in other situations as well.You have been through a terrible trauma,again,and I can hear how much you love your WW but she is not what you need right now nor is she the same person,maybe she is even more of her true self.Either way,care enough about yourself to make YOU the priority and your children.I understand how much your WW means to you,but you can't save WS's and you can't help them.You are crazed with pain,I can hear that,but please know,you CAN ride it out,you must.I have,so have we all.

You said you don't know what to do.Well I am here to tell you to take yourself out of the he** your WW is putting you through and living in and disconnect from her.She is toxic to you as is.What is important are your children and the fact that you are worthy of so much more and deserve more even if your WW is no longer the one that can offer that to you.One day this will mean something to you again,right now it's hard to rememeber that.

Lastly,being a highly organized person myself,perhaps you can find a moment to make a priority list of things you need to get done and those things that can wait.Believe me,I understand how much more busy we can get when we are suddenly thrust into the position of being a single parent,while still married.But that to me was my time to go into overdirve,utilize all means of disposal and get the kids to chip in more.They can be up to more taks if you hold them responsible.And I think many kids enjoy having these responsibilites.

I understand your desire to save your marriage,most,if not all of us here wanted that.But as sad as it may sound,putting too much energy into this issue where it robs all other responsibilities is not going to help you.Unless your WW wanted to recover the marriage,you have to expend only so much on this and concentrate on the other areas of your life.Plan B helps you do this since it's spells out what is needed for your WW to come back and have recovery with you and that's it.You are done with her until she figures out what the heck she wants in life.It may not be you and family anymore,that's a hard truth.It was for me,I had to deal with that horrible possibility and here I am almost divorced.It was not what I wanted but my WH chose differently.Part of the pain was knowing I had no control over his decisions or actions and that my feelings no longer mattered to him.But,I am doing ok despite all that.You will be too,just hang in there.There is light at the end of that proverbial tunnel.You can make it.

O

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 07:02 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Not a good morning. Pls excuse type-o's as I have to smash this out quick. I finally quit vomiting this morning. I got real sleep last night, albeit a short 3.5 hrs, it was deep. I woke this morning and as I came out of the sleep it hit me about what has happened, Oh God, I just can't believe it!! My best friend, my life partner, the person I have shared my soul, my everything has betrayed me in a way.......

Do you remember your Dday, of course you do, What a stupid question. I remember my DS14 had a cologne spray that he used "Axe". He used it during that time. I don't know what happened to it, but it hadn't been around of late. He must have used it this morning. I came out of my room into the hall and it hit me. The horrible feeling came over me. The same gut feeling I had then. I immediately got sick and was sick for a good part of the morning. My DS14 missed the bus, and I was late driving my DS5 to school. When we got there we realized we forgot his backpack and lunch. I told him I would bring it right back. That is the first time either of them has been late. In HS he can't go to the class he is late for so he will get a unexcused absence, that sucks. What a morning. What a start to the day. I have to finish early today b/c I have an appt for an MRI and X-rays. I probably shouldn't be here, but I have to try and vent this feeling away. I can't stand it. I am still shaking and I can't control it. When the kids are around I am SO much better. Not sure if it is just my love for them or that I am instinctively stronger FOR them. But when they aren't around I cry all the fing time. I never realized how exhausting it is to cry.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am praying for you right this very moment. You are not alone.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GB, that is probably why I slept so well. The first time since Saturday. Thank you.



CJ, <----That is what my friends and family call me.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesn't FEEL like you can, but you can. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are SO right, right now I do not feel like I will survive this. That sounds so "out there" coming from me, but I am just going minute to minute KNOWING I will get past this and it IS going to be rough.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm sure as a business owner you have that high attendance record (heehee), and internally you drive yourself to go to work even when you're tired, sick-ish, etc. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right again, I have not had a vacation longer than a 4 or 5 day extended weekend in 20 years. I have gone to work with the Flu and 104+ degree fever. And I can't afford to take much time now. I have been everyday here and there though.
Thank you for your generous and thoughtful prayers. I don't own a rosary, I think I will buy one right away. I have not been very dedicated to my religion for a long time, I think maybe it is time spend a little more time with that. Thanks CJ, CJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you're being strong through this ordeal. And you'll get stronger - by conviction!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FR, Good point. Hard to see really, but when you point it out. This is an impossible sit rep, and I am still functioning (Job, Kids, parents, home ect). Thanks for sticking with me through this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get with your accountant and file for an extension on your taxes for extreme personal reasons. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's my state taxes. I do those myself and I have to have them in by Thursday. It will get done. I file for an extension every year on the Fed taxes.
As for the kids, good advice. I do try to make things as normal as I can, b/c they are going through this too. It hurts me to see it, but they know and they do help, without them, I would NOT try. I call them the tourniquet for my heart. I do not bash or talk down about WW. In fact my DS5 asked me if I love Mom. Oh god this is so hard. I held him and said "Yes, sweetheart, very much. And I miss her real bad." It is so hard not to just come apart at moments like that like I am now. It is so hard to type through the tears. I don't think I could do this if I knew any of you. I would be too ashamed and embarrassed.

Your last paragraph, I know this, and you're right, it is hard. If it were just me, I would sit around and do nothing. I am so glad I have them. B/c even when I don't feel like doing something, I know they get bored and I try to do something with them and I end up enjoying it, especially if I see them happy. It rubs off. This weekend I have planned (It was planned b4 Bomb #3 was dropped) a Red-nck weekend. We are going to a big rodeo Friday and to the Monster Truck race with DS5's favorite "Gravedigger" on Saturday. They don't know about it yet. I am looking forward to the distraction. These are all the things though, that we did as a whole family. I miss her. We take the boat out and all the things she would do I do and I can't help but think of her. WHY!! How could she do this to us??!! And she keeps doing it. Man, I have to get off of here and get back to work. I miss her so GD bad. I hate it, I hate that I love her so much. Thx FR,

Thank you all for your support and allowing me to purge. I think it helps. I can't imagine it's a bad thing, I mean it couldn't be making things worse for me somehow could it??

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 07:29 AM: Message edited by: Intruder800 ]</small>

Octobergirl,

Thanks for sticking with me. I write my posts separate from here and didn't see yours until after I posted that last message. I read your thoughtful post and I thank you for taking the time to share with me. I will get back here later in the day and respond. I am just out of time right now.

CJ

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 07:25 AM: Message edited by: Intruder800 ]</small>

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: Intruder800 ]</small>

Intruder800 ,

Of course it is all right to put *me* in place of your user name ! The prayer was me praying for you, you praying for yourself IS OK. In fact praying for yourself is more than ok. YOU know what you are going through at any given moment so does God, I may not know your real name or where you are but He does and He knew who I was talking about.

The Lord's prayer is beautiful and probably very much what you need at times.

I feel very much that I should tell you God loves you and He is always listening. You can talk to Him, that is what Jesus came and died for, to put us (humans) in back a postiton to go to the Father with our praise and our needs. He paid the price for our sins so we can do this.

When H left me for OW 1 I couldn't even really pray, all I could do was fall to me knees and say No God no. But that was a prayer, a plea. When I got up I just knew it wasn't over between us and I was right, it took a year and a half for us to back together but it happened. (my story is linked in my sig. line)

One book that has helped me greatly is called Prayers that avail much, you might want to look into getting a copy. There are actually 3, prayers that avail much, prayers that avail much volume 2 and then there is a compulation of the prayers that avail much books.

It is hard to know what and how to pray when everthing is spinning out of control around us, that is why I would not trade my copy prayers avail much for anything.

I am sorry for what you are going through but you have a wonderful support here and it sounds like your sister is a great help to you.
At this point I would advise you to do nothing that is permanate, take your time and move slowly. Take care of yourself and your children. I will keep you in my prayers.

Deb