My FWW ended an A several years ago and I really have no doubt it’s over. I had done a near perfect plan A without even realizing what I was doing after the OMW tracked them to our home and exposed them. But difficulties in talking prevailed for a long time, especially in getting my questions answered, because she simply refused to answer them. Recently after I expressed my desire for a better relationship with her and my complete discontent with our estranged sitch there was a lot of angst, sarcasm, ridicule, etc. from FWW. She wasn’t ready to admit she still has a messed up M. No expression of excitement, relief, joy, desire when she heard me say I wanted to rebuild. In fact, FWW later said that there would likely never be a shred of trust between us (so maybe it’s mutual?) again and tearfully expressed her sadness and grief and guilt. She also tearfully apologized recently for causing me so much pain. Nevertheless, I went to IC (again) and we went to MC (again) who advised us to talk about the A, something I had wanted to do for a long time. Obviously this was still difficult for FWW after all this time, even to the point of still refusing to answer some things. For example, I asked about any gifts that were exchanged. She didn’t want to say. I explained that refusing to answer is way more problematic for me than the watch she eventually admitted to buying for OM. Turns out she bought me a watch for Christmas the same year and was embarrassed to admit it. Okay, she bought him a watch. That’s the least of the damage. But how does someone express sorrow over the loss of trust by their own hand and still say “I don’t want to answer that.†What gives? Is this a woman who wants to be married to me?
She says she never thinks about the OM. With problems getting things out in the open still persisting I can’t stop thinking about the A and she knows I think about it a lot. I’ve been clear about that. It is hard to let go of thinking she still hasn’t been honest and won’t be.
Problems with the M notwithstanding, I’m feeling better personally all the time. Thank you Wellbutrin. The strange thing is, the better I feel, the more ambivalent I am about staying in the M when the last child graduates high school next year. Please forgive me if I take some comfort in knowing I’ve been as steadfast about the M as I knew how to be through this whole business. Until now. I’m not nuts about starting over when I’ll be almost 55 by then, but there are worse tragedies and I’ve lived one.
I know where I failed her in ways that set up the A and she says I’m a good husband now. I don’t want to beat her up about the A, I just want to heal. I have expressed my forgiveness. This isn’t the kind of life I want for either one of us. Maybe I have earned my ticket and will just have to choose between healing and the M. If I decide to split the sheets with her in a couple of years it will, of course, be another one of those “male mid-life crises.†Now I understand why they happen.
P.S. the last two sentences were entirely tongue in cheek. Sorry if the rest reads like the Lamentations of Jeremiah.
