Pep's post about asking myself why I made the choices I did really hit home... I've spent all afternoon thinking about it... I looked over my ENQ and pretty deep inside myself and came up with some pretty nasty things, I guess...

Please note that these are NOT excuses. I did make the choice to do what I did. This is just me, thinking and typing about my mindset at the time, looking for a few answers.

The ENQ did something that I had never really thought of... quantified each aspect of a relationship. Admiration was my #1 pick, and I was a little surprised to find that out about myself, really. Admiration, Affection, Rec. Companionship, Conversation, and Honesty/Openness.

Everyone that I had dealt with in my life before OAK was prone to saying things just to make me feel better about myself, keep me away from self-destructive behavior, or to avoid hurting my feelings.... not necessarily because they really felt that way, but to offer me something good, because I was moody and a pessimist. I actually cherished my pessimism, as odd as that sounds... I enjoyed being jaded and cynical, in a way. "They didn't really mean that, they were just trying to keep me off the pills" or "Yeah right, there's no WAY they really see things that way..." But, even then, I really enjoyed being told how great I was or how talented or pretty or smart...

Maybe they really meant it, maybe they didn't. I don't know.

OAK was a little different. He was sometimes critical of the things that I cherished (I am a vocal musician and an artist) and his praise was usually loaded with a qualifier or two. ("You are really good at this, but...") I felt that he was very critical of a couple of my long-standing dreams and goals, looking at them as foolish, childish, or unreasonable. He seemed to be only interested in the practical things, the dreams I had that were within a certain set of boundaries, that were attainable, and had to do with US, not just ME. Everything else was irrelevant to our situation as far as he was concerned, it seemed.... but those dreams were my driving force for the majority of my life, and it felt like he was crushing something that I held very dear, and that I would never own my own blues bar or stand on the stage at the Grammys to thank him for all of his unfailing support... (both of which have been fantasies of mine since I can remember fantasizing about anything, by the way...) AND IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT THAT I WOULD NOT ACHIEVE THOSE GOALS.

I suppose the difference in our ages mattered to me a great deal more than I thought it did, because when we would have arguments or other forms of discussion, I felt like he looked at me as some sort of wayward child in need of correction. I felt small and unintelligent and naive when I would talk with him sometimes, where I had been accustomed to feeling superior to most of the people I have ever interacted with before. I had never felt... unimportant, invalid, and poorly educated before. It was a distressing thing to me that (in my head) he looked at me, clicked his tongue, and said "the poor kid has no idea..." (no, he never actually said or did that, but that's what I took "Wait a few years and see how you feel then, I know because I've been there" to mean...)

Meanwhile, over in virtual reality, I was leading a completely different life. I gave advice on a hobbyist forum and was highly respected for my expertise in my field. (I will leave out the forum name, as well as the hobby itself, because after all, the internet is a very small world and I don't want to risk unintentional contact with someone I used to know, you know?) I spent hours and hours talking to these people, watching threads like a hawk, looking for questions that I could answer or debates I would participate in. When I wasn't involved in that, I played an MMORPG. (once again, leaving names out, just in case.) I lived the life of a queen there, with houses and nice clothes and jewelry, money, power, tons and tons of "friends" (platonic and otherwise), and everything else that I longed for, including praise for my expertise in THAT field... I wanted that life so badly, where everyone loved me and I could do whatever I wanted, go wherever I pleased, all without the risks involved in the real thing. I craved the social aspect of the game, because it offered me something that I felt I didn't get at home: praise and respect and admiration.

I led 3 completely different lives back then. One was the face I showed the public and OAK, where I was friendly and optimistic, helpful to a fault, and extremely happy overall with my life. Face #2 was the one I showed my online friends, where I was very, very unhappy with my home life, felt unappreciated and downtrodden, and spoke very poorly of OAK, my job, and myself. Face #3 was the one I showed the ones that I cybered with, endlessly loving, insatiable, and very giving in the carnal sense. I wanted people to fall in love with me, and showed whichever face would meet that end the easiest. I wanted to feel special and appreciated and popular. I would be very pleasant but distant in one conversation, and very intimate in another, and it was all a plea from my subconscious to make this person compliment me, tell me I was right, or make me feel GOOD, even if only for a few minutes at a time. I read a lot more into those online relationships, and my online persona, than there really was, because I desperately wanted to be that person that I showed those people, no matter which face I happened to be showing at the time. Most of the time I painted myself as a martyr, endlessly giving to a man that had no interest in marrying me, and criticized my every decision... I blew things way out of proportion sometimes so that people would agree with me, and take my side, pushing me to get even more upset and pulling me even closer to them (I realize now that I was both playing them and getting played, but then it just felt good to be understood.) To reward this understanding, I would wind up engaging in cybersex with some of them...(the reward part is something that I have come to realize lately, not something I actively thought about then, it just seemed like a good idea at the time...)

OAK saw that I was spending a LOT of time on the internet and asked me to lay off the games for a few days. This made me cling to it and want it even more, because now, not only was he taking away my dreams and making me feel like a kid, he was taking away my other life... how cruel and heartless I thought he was! I would put it down for a few days, spending my time on the hobby board or painting (usually drawings of people's characters from the game), and then pick it back up even more fiercely because I missed the person I was when I was there, and the people I interacted with. (Man, was I a hopeless addict or what?) I missed the praise, and it was because of a criticism that I could not engage in that type of validating conversation. AND IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT.

(By the way, these "and it was all his faults" are how I felt then, not how I feel now. I felt the need to clarify.)

The types of things I was told on the chat box and on the telephone:

"Wow, this is a really great picture. Why don't you do this for a living?"(said by a professional graphic designer.. that i was cybering with)
"You have a gorgeous voice. You really should do something with it." (said by a man who was a professional musician, and gave up his family to pursue his career... that i was cybering with)
"You really should run a <hobby> store. You know more about it than most of them do." (said by the person who ran the board I posted to.. that I was cybering with)
"OMG! He actually said that??? Why are you with this control freak?! I wouldn't take that!" (paraphrased from any number of people on any number of occasions, whether I was cybering with them or not... did I mention that I tended to blow things out of proportion and use them in the worst possible context?)

What was said at home:

"I think that your logic is flawed."
"I don't think that would be a good idea, and here's why (followed by a very long, sometimes condescending, speech about why I was absolutely foolish to believe these things)"
"I remember feeling the same way when I was your age..." or "You'll feel differently in a few years, trust me."

Looking back, I wanted to feel like I was RIGHT. Like I had talent, and like I was good at what I chose to do. It was not common that I felt that way because I had a very poor self-image. The cybersex was not as important to me as one would think, as I used that as another means of self-validation in knowing I could get a positive response, another face I could show to make someone think I was special, not just for the sexual gratification on my part... (heck, I didn't even get "that" from it much of the time) I needed constant reassurance that I was doing something right and that I was good at something. Gratuitous praise was something that OAK was not willing, and is not willing, to grant me.

Here's how I think now. My, how times have changed.

My self-image has improved a great deal. I know that I don't have to have someone holding my hand and telling me that I'm right all the time... more importantly, I realize that I'm NOT always right. I also know that just because we disagree, it doesn't mean that either opinion is invalid, just that they are different. I don't go looking for someone to agree just because he and I disagree.

I realize that I have an addiction-prone personality, and I realize that I will always throw myself into everything I choose to do with a drive for perfection. It's just my nature. I will just pick safer things to jump into... like, being a parent and a good wife....

I still play video games and participate in the hobby that got me in this mess in the first place, but these are things that I have done since I was 6 years old, and I have learned to keep a handle on it and just play the game to be playing a game, not living some other life, and the hobby because I enjoy looking at the results in my living room, not because I enjoy talking to other people in that hobby. I have even considered writing a book on the hobby, to fulfill my urge to help people without directly exposing me to potentially inappropriate relationships. (this is a small trigger for OAK, so I am holding off on it until it is no longer like that for him. Relationship first, hobbies second.)

I'm more reserved with my sexuality now... I am unsure how much of that is in the aftermath of these affairs, and how much is just from being a mother now, and a few years older, you know? It's not nearly the pressing emotional and physical need that it used to be for me. It used to be a very big part of who I was, and it just isn't that big of a deal to me anymore.

I don't need someone to think (and remind me) that i am special, because DAMMIT, I AM! And that's all MY fault. I've paid a huge price for that little bit of information.

I realize that all of this was very preventable, if I had only looked at what OAK was saying to me all the times he told me I was brilliant and beautiful and talented... I dumped all the emotional baggage I had from my previous marriage, my family, and my friends onto him, and projected a lot of my mistrust onto him. I read more into his criticism than was really there, read less into his praise than he was giving me, and vastly underestimated his view of me.

... yeah. That was my fault too.

And it was my fault I chose to share my reservations with someone(s) else... anyone else but him.

I thought arguments were something that poorly matched people did, not good couples. Good couples agreed on everything important, and shared exactly the same values... of course, I also believed that the definition of infidelity was sleeping with someone other than your husband... that anything else was just talk and wouldn't hurt anything... but I hid my other relationships anyhow. Deep down, I knew that what I was doing would wreck our relationship, and I didn't want that (most of the time). I guess he was right. I know better, now that I'm older.

AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

Hell... I look over this and it's only a small snippet of how I felt then... I'll probably post more when I have a few more coherent thoughts and I don't have to be up and ready for work in 5 hours... and it will probably be just as long or longer... forgive me for expounding at you guys, but it's stuff I needed to get into words. Thanks in advance for listening, er, reading....

-FallingUp

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Written by FallingUp:
I realize that I have an addiction-prone personality, and I realize that I will always throw myself into everything I choose to do with a drive for perfection. It's just my nature. I will just pick safer things to jump into... like, being a parent and a good wife....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FallingUp,

I very much admire you for your brutal self examination. You sound like a very strong intelligent woman determined to do what is best for not only your relationship/family, but more importantly yourself.

One thing I know about addictions is that when you give up one, you fill it with another. Addictive behavior is tricky. I know you have the best intentions and I don't doubt your commitment to direct all your efforts and attention to what you neglected. But ...

You wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I enjoyed being jaded and cynical, in a way. "They didn't really mean that, they were just trying to keep me off the pills"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everyone that I had dealt with in my life before OAK was prone to saying things just to make me feel better about myself, keep me away from self-destructive behavior</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The deal is, if an addict chooses destructive behavior (aka: placing your health or family relationship at risk), then there is something deeper going on and ignoring it or trying to force yourself and your time into something else will not heal the root cause issue. It simply places it on hold.

I don't think you can do this all on your own Hon. I think you should ask/seek support.

It takes a strong person to ask for help. You have that strength.

Jo

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

It may take me awhile to get used to typing your initials .... FU .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but no matter.

Thanks for the thoughtful response. Do you journal?

I don't know how I know, but my very strong sense is that there is some small but vital piece missing from your "Why did I do ...." exploration. This seems almost too easy for you. Too fluent. Almost rehearsed. Too perfect perhaps? The confessions of a perfectionist are perfectly worded.

My reason for saying this is to congratulate you on what is probably only a beginning. Be wary of the intelligent answers. Sometimes that is one more way to perform.

Love,

Pep

Falling Up:

Let me start with, that IMO you have an excellent chance at making it through this process by coming out healthy, whole and even happy.

You've begun doing much of the hard work necessary. Good move.

First, Your taking Responsibility for YOUR Actions. (Nice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Next, Your being Open and Honest. (2 thumbs up!)

However, Please continue to be so.
(As a rehearsed & practiced liar its EASY to Fall Back into Old Habits...so be Aware).
This action(s) will Destroy any and all progress you do make Faster than anything else.

Finally, your taking on the daunting task of "self evaluation" and Discovery.
Unfortunately, many are NOT willing to take on that project....or at least not to the extent that they Need To (in order for "IT" to be of any use or help to them).

In addition, Pep is right on in that this is just the Start. (a good start, but your still at the begining of a long process non the less).

So although I'm sure that at times much of this "work" is uncomfortable to you.....please know that your doing the right thing for not only your H and M.......but for YOU. (Especially You).

I applaud your efforts and am confident that the effort your putting in will be of benefit to your situation.

With that said, none of this is easy (yet it does get "easier" with time and practice).

A question for you:
What books have you read on infidelity and relationships??

Because It helps to understand How we got to where we are.....so that we can decide how to get to where we want to be.
Also it sometimes helps to have others give "words" to feelings or actions that we just can't seem to put our minds around. (You know...the whole, "yea that's what I meant to say" thing).
Also This can be of great benifiet in trying to help our spouse "get" where our heart or mind Are (or perhaps were during / or even pre - A).

Wishing you only success in your Recovery Journey! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear Falling Up,

Your story caught my eye and this followup really caught my attention. You sound very much like an Enneagram personality type called the Type Four, the Individualist, or sometimes the Tragic Romantic.

The defining "thing" for Fours is that they feel that something is missing from their lives and they continuously look outside of themselves for this missing piece. They can be surrounded by loved ones and yet feel alone because of that sense that something is missing. They will only find peace when they realize that the thing that is missing can only be filled by THEM and not something outside of themselves.

I thought that I'd share a couple links with you. Only you will know if you really are this type or not. If it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit! If it does, it might help you to find that elusive healing path!


http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeFour.asp

http://www.internationalenneagram.org/type4.html

I have a test that I can post for you if you'd like to discuss this further. I'm not always on this particular forum...you can find me "In Recovery" if you need me!

Take care!

Stillwed

Pep,

I know that this post may have come off as well-rehearsed, but there is a very good reason for that.

I was talking to OAK on the phone while I was at work fairly early in the afternoon and told me the question you had posed.... this gave me many, many hours to think about what you were asking, and to give a complete examination of it.... it also took me a little over 2 hours just to type all of it out, going over each thing carefully to ensure that I wasn't lying to any of you or to myself. I wanted to be as open and honest as possible.

The old answer to "why?" was "I'm not sure." I had a bit of an epiphany when I thought of about how much time per day, for how long, I was online doing something other than keeping my relationship with OAK good and stable.... when I got through punching numbers on the adding machine, my first thought was Jeez... that's a lot of my life, huh? It was a fairly shocking thing even to me. It really made me come at it from a new angle, ignoring HOW badly I was depressed, and focusing on what caused the depression, and therefore the subsequent relationships I developed.

For the record, yes, I'm a perfectionist. I proofread the post a zillion times.

I have a fairly chaotic mind, and I wanted to make sure I didn't go off on a tangent somewhere, you know?

Anyhow, will possibly post more later... take care, and thanks for the kind words!

-FallingUp