I refiled for D about a month ago and when I did I told my W that I was still willing to work on our R at this point. It had been about five months since we had had any real talk about us at all. We had not had much contact of any kind actually. At the time I talked with her I knew that she was seeing someone. I told her that I would give her as much time as I could to make up her mind. The one demand I had was that she could not see anyone else during this time. I told her that this would be a deal breaker for me and if she couldn't do this that I would shut the door on us for good and move on.

I made it clear to her that I was not threatening her to try and make her do what I wanted. The desire I have to work on our R is hanging by a very thin thread at this point and I know that if she kept up with this behavior that would end it for me.

Since then she has stopped seeing this OM. She has been calling more and coming by more often. She has been initiating more physical contact with me (hugging and hand holding). I have been friendly but aloof at the same time. I have not initiated any of the contact between the two of us.

She has yet to SAY one thing to me about her thoughts on anything. She didn't even tell me about her and the OM breaking up, I heard about it through a third party. I can feel the fear she has when she is around me. She still can't look me in the face, but is struggling to show me that she doesn't want me to give up yet.

Should I just continue on like this? It seems to be having the effect of drawing her back towards me. At least I know she is still thinking about us. Should I just keep it up and wait until she finally gets up the nerve to talk to me or shoud I put a deadline in place to try and bring it up with her at some point? I'm fine with the pace of things right now but don't see the need to allow her to struggle like this for too long. What to do?

<small>[ January 20, 2005, 10:30 PM: Message edited by: starman ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starman:
<strong>What to do? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Talk to her and ask her if OM is gone and if she is willing to give NC. If she is not abide w/ the ammends that you seek then you should go dark and wait 'till either she is willing or DV is finalized.

It is up to her and she knew what to do.

JMHO - rh-

IMHO, she is testing the waters w/o commitment. That means she is still a WS and t/b regarded as dangerous to you.

I recommend you go to plan B immediately. What does your letter say? You may want to reword it.

Note, this may lead to the D but it may stop the feelings of despair that seems to be creeping up on you. You don't want to be used as a pawn again, right?

Of course, you need to check out to see if she is using you to decide which way she should go. From what I have seen in the past, when a WS or Xws tries this, recovery usually starts and fails. You are at a prime time to show that you deserve t/b treated with respect for your R. Your time and energies should be for using for a real R not one beinst subjected to tests. \

JMHO, be careful. Let her convince you with actions and tell you she wants recovery.

L.

This is my line of thinking as of now. Any opinions would be appreciated.

I have been very clear to my W about what I am willing and unwilling to do at this point. There is no way she has any questions about what she needs to do if she wants to work on this. At this point what she is doing is not effecting me in a negative way at all so I didn't think plan B was necessary at this time.

The approach I have been taking by being friendly but not affectionate is the way I plan on being towards her even after the D. What she sees is what she is going to get unless she wants it to be more. As long as I continue on with the D she is going to realize that unless she does something this is going to be it. I am perfectly willing to stay the course and move on if I don't get a different response from her.

I know how confused and lost she is right now and have no desire to get too involved with her the way she is now. I feel she needs to find her own way at this point. This isn't really plan A or B but I think it is the right way to be handling it at this point.

Let me see ... from your first post ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The desire I have to work on our R is hanging by a very thin thread at this point and I know that if she kept up with this behavior that would end it for me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and your last one

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At this point what she is doing is not effecting me in a negative way at all so I didn't think plan B was necessary at this time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , explain please. Plan B is to protect whatever how thin the thread is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know how confused and lost she is right now and have no desire to get too involved with her the way she is now. I feel she needs to find her own way at this point. This isn't really plan A or B but I think it is the right way to be handling it at this point. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are confused too. You designed your own steps to salvage your M. She is where she is now is b/c you did plan A. She is confused that is good and that is also the condition ripe for plan B !. She recognized and acknowledge your changes and she knows that you could make her happy and rebuild M. OM supposely out of the pictures. However you need to help her to make the decision. You have nothing to do no more when your WW acknowledged your plan A.

Let us know how it is working for you by not doing plan B on time.

IMVHO ... draft plan B letter and ask her about working on M and about OM ... if she is not willing then hand the plan B letter and go dark.

-rh-

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

OKAY redhat, you got me! Seriously, thanks for helping me think this through.

Some time ago I came to the realization that my W needs some serious IC before she will be able to have a healthy R with anyone. Somewhere inside her she knows this but is unwilling to get the help she needs. I still care for her and if she was willing to do what was necessary I would be willing to give us a chance.

Of course knowing that she has been seeing OP upsets me a LOT! I know plan B is to protect me from that. My thinking was that even if I was in plan B and heard that she was seeing someone it would have the same effect. As I have thought about it I realize that's not true. When I was in a real plan B (about the previous six months)I got to where I never even thought about any of this and it was much better.

I am willing to wait to see if my WW decides that she really wants to change. Even after the D I know that I will be able to wait. I believe God will let me know when it is time to move on for good and then I will be able to do it without any regrets.

So right now I have to get back on track with plan B. Since I have been spending a little more time with her lately I don't know if I should tell her why I am going to stop or if I should just go dark again without any explanation.

delete

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: starman ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starman:
<strong>So right now I have to get back on track with plan B. Since I have been spending a little more time with her lately I don't know if I should tell her why I am going to stop or if I should just go dark again without any explanation. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't skip any steps, actually you have to meet with her, talk to her and hand in plan B letter. Give her a last passionate hug <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

You can't go dark w/o explaination, WW might think that you have given up on her or want to punish her.

-rh-

Hi starman,

I agree that you should be wary here and not give into anything.Orchid is right,your WW is testing the waters,looking for your reaction.I don't know if you know Nature,another poster here.But his WW tried the same thing and he gave in too soon,without the requisite conditons and ended up hurt again and his WW waffled AGAIN.In fact,I have to ask how he is doing today.Haven't had an update for a while.

redhat is right too.You should follow the plan until you get concrete evidence that she is serious about recovering the marriage.I would bet that your WW is still unsure about many things and doesn't know which way to turn and there you are,the BH waiting in the wings...but...is it what she really wants?

Who knows.

Stick to what YOU know.Stay true to yourself.

O

Thank you redhat. I am going to get back on track in short order. It won't be difficult.

Octobergirl you have hit the nail on the head in regards to my W state of mind right now. Very insightful!

My W has been in a SERIOUS state of depression for the last several weeks. She has not been able to eat or sleep. She has had to leave work several times because she just can't handle it. She went to the doctor the other day and he threatened her that she would have to go into the hospital if she can't start eating because her health is being jeopardized. I have seen her go through bouts of depression, but nothing like this before. It's the main reason I have been spending as much time with her as I have the last couple of weeks. She has been calling me to lean on a bit and I have tried to be supportive and buck her up the best I can.

Is this something I should consider my problem at the moment? It feels like I am piling on by cutting contact with her. On the other hand who knows how long this will last? I will probably go NC with her by the end of this week anyway (I know she will live). Do you think that's too cruel considering what she's going through?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starman:
<strong>Do you think that's too cruel considering what she's going through? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Imagine you are working with alcoholic when they are feeling down and bad about 'em self. She cries on your shoulder and she needs you to clean up her pukes. She looks like angel in need ... but you have to watch out, once she is waking up in the morning, she will look for the bottle again.

Ok ... there are 2 schools of thought in this board. One will tell you to be patience ... plan A, plan A, plan A and let her comes around. The other will tell you to plan B.

I give you pro and con. If you plan A too long the best case scenario you will have unrepentant FWW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and the worst is she would go back to OM and your LB$ would be drained to the point you don't ever want her again. If you plan B now, the best scenario would be real steps toward recovery w/ repentant FWW, the worst she go back to OM but you protect your LB$. Which one do you take ?.

You are not bailing on her ... you give her a choice. This is why plan B letter is very crucial and you have to have the last R talk with her.

-rh-

I had my letter written and ready, then my STBX came by unexpectedly. The kids were at a church function so we had the house to ourselves.

So instead of giving her the letter I just told her. Basically delivered the letter orally and it went pretty well. She sat for a little bit and said, "I have a lot of things to figure out". I said "Yes you do" and that was pretty much it.

I feel better already! It was good to get that done. I asked her if she was going to have the kids this weekend and she asked if she could get back with me. She just started taking some pretty strong AD and isn't doing well emotionally yet. I was firm about NC with her so it will be interesting to see if she abides by it.

good luck, starman!

I am optimistic for you.

-ol' 2long

Well done my man. It is her choice and on her hand. All we could do is pray that she could came out from her fog.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I was firm about NC with her so it will be interesting to see if she abides by it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not up to her. You make sure there isn't any.

-rh-