ok i said i was going to step back from MB for a while. i thought i was ok with the fact i was getting. i also thought my ww had not had contact w om in 2 mos. i was wrong on all accounts!!!

ok you guys will love this.
i was at my office on friday, had my kids here with me, they wanted to tw there mom couldnt get her on her cell. so im sitting on the couch with kids watching tv with them. i love bringing them to work but i get absolutely nothing done.

anyway i have the cordless phone on in case i get a call, it rings i answer and it is om's bw, she asks if my ww is out of town i say yes she is in nm visiting her mom. i said ill do some checking and call her back. not 5 minutes later ww calls with this big line of crap on what everybody is doing in her hometown <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> i asked how she slept last night she said wooonnnndddderful. i said enjoy it while you can. hehehe. i said well ill call you at your moms tonight after i bath the kids,she said no ill call you, i said thats alright ill call she said no ill call you. i said ok and called kim back and said she is with him. she said ok im going to waco. so i said call when you get there. she did and all he11 broke loose.
of course they were in bed ill let your imaginations figure out the rest. i did get to talk to him that night and lets put it this way he is going to be nervous for a long time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
my ww called the next am and was mad at me, said she never wanted to talk to me again.go figure.
tw oms bw saturday and i guess my w had given him this line of crap that im a pscho abuser. she said he was so scared that he switched motels <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> anyway she said that he was bawling and spilt his guts about most of what was going on. and how my ww had convinced everyone that im a violent abuser.we talked for 2 hours i got some good info.
well my ww called last night and tw kids while i was getting them ready to bath, i put them in the tub and told her i had a few ?s.
i told her what kim had told me about what she had said about me, she denied it all so i told her to hold on and 3 wayed to the om's w and said i have ww on the other line and would it be ok if i 3 wayed her wh in she laughed and said that would be fine. you talking about hearing pin drops on the phone and i dont even have SPRINT. it was pretty interesting.

i called her this am to tell her i was keeping the kids, she was all crying and saying she was sorry, i said for doing it or getting caught. no answer.

she also said she didnt leave me for him that this was the 1st time they had sex.

i thought the a was over, man was i wrong. i really thought well hes out of the pic and she still doesnt want to work on it. i plan a'd my [censored] off and she just couldnt wait for the d.

i feel stupider now than i did b4

You are not the "stupid" one... your WW and OM are the 2 stupid ones in this senario.

Wow!

Pep

it was really kind of funny in a sick sort of way. his wife comes and he leaves my ww laying there, she doesnt even get dressed. his bs said a few things to my ww like i heard your kids cry today, and im the last nail in your coffin im testifying in your divorce.
and then she left and her h chased her leaving my w there alone to pack and leave

Oh dalson I am so very,very sorry. I hope this doesn't ahppen to me. Are you pan B'ing now ? I am truly sorry. Hang in there and let us know how you are OK??

Ok - now - you need to document everything you can. Written proof, pictures, statement from om's w, and keep a journal of all contact with you or your kids. WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN. See a lawyer - get advice on what to do to protect yourself legally and financially. Ask the lawyer to help you keep custody of your kids. Then make up your mind what you want to do next.

Don't allow yourself time to sit and be depressed, or worried, or sad. Instead, take action.

Did you have a clear understanding that she was in NC? If so, she has violated your agreement. You have only one or two real choices. You can:

1. Meet with her and reset boundaries. NC forever is a good one. You can plan A your way until eternity. Could be that this exposure is the one that will end the A, if they are scared enough, or

2. You can write a plan B letter, post it here on the forum, ask for advice, and then send it to her. After that, you go dark and have no contact with her at all.

Don't feel stupid, ok? You are honest, she is not. (I'm fighting the same battle) You are not stupid at all. Honest people believe other people. She did the wrong thing. She got caught. Document. Protect your kids. Don't feel stupid any more. Learn to be suspicious and start gathering proof of things. I'm very very sorry this happened to you, but you are not the stupid one. You are the GOOD one. remember that.

Dalson,

Quite proud of you and OM's W. Please tell her for us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Think you handled it well.

As for their supposed 1st PA.....well let's just say if it was that, you sure burned bab memories into that one. He now has to have the A looking over his shoulder.

OW told my WS the same thing. I am 4'10" and she is 5'4"...... she told WS she was afraid of me. Right. I told WS she s/b.... you never know what we wacked out crazed protectors of our family type people might do. LOL!!! I don't believe in guns but do believe in protecting my family....let her go figure that one out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Don't feel stupid. You were already being used....in fact you are now smarter because you refused to be in denial. Your MB senses worked fine. Just the findings weren't pleasant. That's ok, you know what to do now, right?

I love it to hear a dad taking care of the children. It think it is a special time for both.

All the best,
L.

i dont know what to do. should i plan b or plan d. i really dont know what is going to happen.
i am pretty sure he will be out of the pic now.

oh i forgot to tell about the card my ww got him that om's wife found. it said that she is so lucky to have found a man like him and he treats her like an equal and shows her all the affection she needs.blaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sounds like plan B time. U ready for it?

My WW/STBXW wrote wonderboy (aka OM) a letter that I found that said the same things. How truly blessed she is to have him in her life. What he has given her and what they have been through the past several months. Blaaaaaaahhhhh is right.

It's funny how the more you see, the more you realize that this stuff is all right out of a script. It is amazing to read other stories here and see how the WS all pretty much do and say the same things.

orchid
i dont know what im ready for or what i want. im sick of being lied to, i know i still love her but do i still want her, i cant answer that. she has plyed this for so long with no remorse and blaming me. you know im starting to live again and am enjoying myself. who knows if i would be able to ever respect her again or not.

Ok dalson, I hear you. Now I'm gonna help you pick yourself out of the slump you are in. If you resist, I will call JL, PEP, WAT, RH, MM, Fishracer and if you get real bad......lemonman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep this in your mind. U love your W. That's good but the person in her skin right now is NOT your W. That's bad.

So love your W but stay away from the WS. Got it?

When she acts like your W, show that love. When she acts like the WS, withhold your love. If she babbles, reverse babble back. Don't allow yourself to be fooled by the WS manipulative tactics. Practice questions to test which character she may be at any given time so you know how to react.

JMHO,
L.

thanks orchid
i just dont know if i have anything left in my bank. im pretty numb. i hate the fact that she chose this over her h and kids, her home , her friends. its amazing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I understand. For now sit back and enjoy your children. The numbness will wear off. If you read my link to the 5 stages of grieving, what comes next c/b real strong. Brace yourself up for it.... later..... when you are ready.

Meantime, enjoy the little typist. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Hm.... might be therapuetic for your child.....watch and see which graemlins he picks.

L.

dalson,

OK, Orchid threatened you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So here I am with the old 2x4. You just said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i just dont know if i have anything left in my bank. im pretty numb. i hate the fact that she chose this over her h and kids, her home , her friends. its amazing </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who cares??? She does not. Orchid is NOT asking you to do anything. She is saying move along as you are UNTIL your real W shows up, IF she she shows up. Until then, rest, recover, keep your mouth shut, and head down the road of life.

You are worrying about the wrong things right now. You cannot do anything about her friends. You can love, raise and protect your children. You cannot do anything about her treatment of you except refuse to accept it. You can move on.

Here is the harsh truth, she does NOT care. She may NEVER care. So don't waste your time or energy until there is evidence that she DOES care. That is what plan B is about. It is about doing nothing but moving on with your life and letting what will happen, happen.

So step back, reorganize your life, your goals, and rest up. Life awaits you dalson, get ready for it.

Ok, it was a nurf 2x4 but the next time, oh the next time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

i now have both in my lap. im heading home to cook sketti <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

thanks jl

Dalson,

Let us know what you think about JL's post. ok?

Oh yea, and how the sketti dinner turns out. Did you see the commerical about the baby named Charlie? He had the skettie all over his face. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It was sooo cute. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now..... waiting for your response to JL's post. It was a good one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Dalson, never posted to you before but I've walked in your shoes. And they don't fit real well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You cannot do anything about her friends. You can love, raise and protect your children. You cannot do anything about her treatment of you except refuse to accept it. You can move on.

Here is the harsh truth, she does NOT care. She may NEVER care. So don't waste your time or energy until there is evidence that she DOES care. That is what plan B is about. It is about doing nothing but moving on with your life and letting what will happen, happen.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL hit this on the money. There has to be "evidence" not just empty words ....

Hang in there Dalson your doing OK.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i feel stupider now than i did b4 </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course you feel that way. That's how almost all of we BS's have felt. It's because we can't conceive of "us" doing what our WS's are/have done. Couple that with our desire to trust our spouse and believe what they are saying, and why wouldn't we feel "stupider?" We've virtually all felt that way.

However, Dalton, it's NOT "feelings" that are important. It is ACTIONS that will be determine what happens. Anyone can "feel" something, "want" to do something, etc., but none of MUST succumb to those feelings. We have the God-given gift of Free Will. We can, and most often should, override our "feelings" and act according to God's commands.

I won't say more about that for now, since I don't know if either you or your wife are Christians, but it's important for you to know that "feelings" lie to us more often than not.

So do what starz said and document everything. No matter how much YOU might want to remain married and save your marriage, it WILL ultimately take both of you working together to overcome this adultery or the marriage will end. So you must do the "father" thing and protect your children, as well as yourself, in the event that your wife will not repent.

Next, prepare for what Orchid and JL said. You must prepare for, not necessarily implement yet, a Plan B. The preparation is necessary because your wife did NOT choose to end the affair, it was potentially ended for her. So she may not yet be in a "repentant" frame of mind. There can be no room for misunderstanding here....marriage(any marriage) is ONE woman and ONE man. Only God is allowed in (and a necessary part of) the marriage besides the husband and wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i just dont know if i have anything left in my bank. im pretty numb. i hate the fact that she chose this over her h and kids, her home , her friends. its amazing </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Screw the Bank" at this point, if you'll forgive my rudeness. You can, and most likely do, love your wife even if the "bank account" is in the red. What you won't have until it is built back up are "feelings of being in love." LOVE is NOT a feeling. Love is a choice. Actions that result in "love bank" deposits and an "in love" feeling are the RESULT of ACTING on the decision that you love someone and will treat them as if you loved them.

Dalton, every one of us has felt that numbness, that shock, that feeling of not knowing who or what to trust anymore. So as weird as it might sound to you right now I'm going to ask you to do CHOOSE to do something that you might not yet feel like doing.....I want you to TRUST me and the others on the system who have "walked this path before you," those feelings will pass. It IS amazing, what they chose to do. It IS unbelievable to us, yet it's true. I have the same reaction to many things that are perpetrated in life by some people on others. In one word it can be summed up.....selfishness.

That's why it seems so foreign to you. Marriage and raising children is about "self-sacrifice," about "serving others before ourselves," about "doing unto others as we would have them do unto us." So it's little wonder that you are dazed and woozy right now. So while you are sure you can navigate for yourself, let others who have passed through those turbulent waters chart a course for you until you are ready to take the helm again.

What to do next?

1. Will your wife be coming home or staying away?

2. To things are REQUIRED if there is a decision, however tentative, by both of you to try to recover your marriage:

..... A) A commitment to NO Contact with the OM for the rest of your wife's life. A No Contact Letter would be best, but you also know that both you and the OM's wife will be "watching."

..... B) JOINT Marital Counseling with a trained counselor who is committed to saving marriages. Neither of you, but especially your wife, can "do this on your own." The affair is prima facia proof that the "decision making and morality apparatus" is broken and in need of fixing by an expert, not amateurs.

Dalton, IF you decide on recovery, I want you to know that it's going to have up days and down days, very much like a rollercoaster. YOU must make the commitment for the long haul, to even simply endure some of those inevitable down days while waiting for the next "uphill" section. Remember that full recovery takes an average of 2 years, so buckle down and commit for the long haul. If you are can't do that, consider divorce.

It's not easy either way and this will be the toughest challenge you both have to face. And remember while making some of these choices that the children are innocent bystanders who will be involved either way.

God bless.

the sketti dinner was great my 2yr old d ate and wore 2 heaping plates .
as for everyone else i appreciate the advice and from what i gather i just need to live my life for me and my kids and whatever happens with her happens. she is going to have to prove to me that SHE is willing to change and accept the responsibility before i will even consider dropping my guard and letting her back into my life, im going to call my attorney and see what he thinks we should do. im not going to call her or e-mail her, unless it has to do with the kids.
im going to live for me and my babies and that is it. if somewhere along the way she decides that she wants to be a part of it, so be it. i feel like i have done everything in my power to fix me, now its her turn.