For a while my h and I have been at a standstill because I am an information person and have been struggling with why he would do this. We did the ENQ and says i was meeting all his needs in that area. We think this weekend we finally came up with some answers.

As some background to h's pysche, my h's parents have been divorced since he was 9. His dad was a chronic cheater and alcoholic. After his parent's d, h did not see his dad very often. His mother then entered into an A with a married man, which she is still in. But because it was an A, it was always secretive, and she was not there for h very much when he was growing up. The man she had an A with had moved two states away when my H was a teenager and his mother would "visit" down there a couple nights a week every other week. She would then bug the phone to find out what my H was up to since she wasn't there physically to know. My h also had a accident when he was younger that gave him permanent scars on his face. So needless to say his self esteem was never very high. I knew all this when we met but thought that I could "fix" it with unconditional love and support.

Since we got together there have been several instances where H has completely lied and kept things from me. The major ones I can think of was that he was not doing drugs (Because of my family history, I did not want to get involved with anyone who had a drug or alcohol problem). I caught him on 3 different occasions involved in steroids. Each time, he asked me to not leave him and promised to stop. Also, when he first got on the force, he had a female partner that he lied about, working with and going out in groups. He told me about her but only by last name and implied she was a man. When I found out, I told him how lying about it made him look guilty whether he did anything or not. He said he understood but continued to lie. We broke up for a few months, but he kept calling and after a while he told me he made a mistake and realized what he did wrong and it would never happen again if I took him back. He seemed to really be making an effort to be honest up until this all happened, otherwise I wouldn't have married him.

So I know that his family has not been the best role model for him. I know that he was taught that cheating and lying is ok from them. But it has been 12 years of me trying to explain that it is not how a relationship is supposed to be. He says he understands now. I can even see him trying to make an effort to not lie to other people as well. I have tolerated this up until now because 1. he would change 2. the things he was lying about were not hurting me. So how do I get him to understand this can't keep happening? He knows now why he started lying and sneaking around. I just am not sure if he can stop it. I do know that i cannot continue to live like this always wondering if he's lying.

Has anyone had to deal with situations like this before?

Hi slacker,

Well,your story could be the "poster child" for all those WS's that think that Adultery/Infidelity does not affect the children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I have to say I am sorry for you and your H,well,just like I am for everyone here.Your H went through a terrible time with his parents and if there is any truth at all to children growing up and living with what they know best,even if it's adultery,alcohol,drugs,abuse,etc,this is a prime example.I do believe this myself after many books I have read.Children who grow up in situations like this learn that this is how life is.And even though from the outside someone else might think,that is a terrible way to live,it's what the child knows and he adjusts and adapts to deal with what he knows.Then,when he/she grows up,the patterns repeat.Subconsciously or consciously they choose people or situations they know they can deal with.

In your case,your H chose to live a life he knows.Yes it was wrong and poor behavior,he is hurting himself and many other's but it's what he knows and how he maneuvers in the world,even if it's through pain.Does that make sense? I am not saying this is true for everyone nor is it the SOLE reason why your H cheated but in order for him to find another way of living that is rewarding and healthy,he needs professional IC and a really good one at that.

Some people,like myself,are very aware from an early age that this behavior is not acceptable and hurts oneself so a conscious decision IS made,each and every time,to avoid repeating the same mistakes.To use me as an example,I grew up with a very distant unemotional Dad who was a "womanizer".He treated my mom pretty badly and she ws so young she didn't understand how to deal with it all growing up in a "group home" with nuns(YUK).She has a newborn(me) with her and was trying her best to do it all alone.

Then,I dealt with both parent's alcoholism as a teen,my dad trying to commit suicide and a host of other issues including the crap my WH is putting me through.But,each and every moment,I made the CHOICE not to engage in behavior I knew would only hurt me worse or not allow me to grow and be the woman I am today.I will admit a lot of it has to do with God and trying to live a life closer to God.It has served me well through such times that it's still a wonder to me that I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol myself to numb the pain.I very easily could have,there were those people ready and willing to take me down with them.I avoided them like the plague.

Anyway,some people never really get beyond this kind of behavior,they are lost and cannot seem to get on track.They seek counseling only to return back into the owrld and begin again with poor choices.I don't have any specific answers but I keep trying to educate myself on the why's.Like why I am who I am today and why other's who haven't been through half of what I have been turn to drugs,alcohol or cheat.

You cannot GET your WH ot change or understand anything,he truly does have to figure it out for himself.Unfortunately,you are in his life at a time when he is still trying to deal with a damaged childhood and uncertain future.It's hard.You want to help them see the light yet they resisit or cannot comprehend.To me it's less about my WH and more about what I want in life and what I am willing to accept or not accept.I decided not to accept my WH's actions toward me anymore and he also made the choice that family and marriage were not as important to him anymore.But,as sad as that is for me,I know the decision was right,I felt it and I feel better being on my own than with a "sick" and selfish person.I also tried to help him but he would not make any changes.So,that's it.As Dr.Phil says," I would rather be healthy and alone than sick and with someone".

Not sure if this helped but I thought sharing some of my own story might.JMVHO.

Good luck to you~

O

slacker: it sounds like you are the best thing that has ever happened to your husband. Will he go to MC? Is he a police officer? Don't they do psychiatric (sic) evaluations of them before they join the force? Did any of this come out?

Ocobergirl: I feel like I know you better after your story. I read of a post of yours where you were disappointed with some of us here on MB because we fly by the seat of our pants. You have so much more experience than us. I know I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. ((((((OG))))))))

Thank you october and grape girls. I know that i can't make him understand, but I had hoped that by showing him how good a relationship can be without all that he would just "get" it.

Octobergirl, you and I have very similar backgrounds and attitudes. My father also was an Alcoholic, a cheater, and controlled my mothers life. She was not allowed to hold her own money go out with friends, etc while he gambled, drank and womanized. My brothers ended up a lot like him involved in drugs and alcohol. I made a conscious decision in high school that I never wanted to live my life like that. Hence, my adamance about not getting involved with someone who did drugs and my H's first big lie to me. I am sorry that you had to deal with all that you did but you seem to have taken all your experiences and made yourself into a truly wonderful person. That is to be commended.

Grapegirl, yes my H is a police officer. Yes they do psych evals, and he did have one who failed him because they thought he had issues with his father, but they always do 2 and the second therapist said he was fine. They do offer counseling, and he had agreed to go after d-day but had been unable to now because his schedule. Now that he is able to, he says he does not think that we/he needs it. that he has finally "woken up" about his actions and will change. I have seen a big change in him but I am concerned it is just a temporary thing.