For a while my h and I have been at a standstill because I am an information person and have been struggling with why he would do this. We did the ENQ and says i was meeting all his needs in that area. We think this weekend we finally came up with some answers.
As some background to h's pysche, my h's parents have been divorced since he was 9. His dad was a chronic cheater and alcoholic. After his parent's d, h did not see his dad very often. His mother then entered into an A with a married man, which she is still in. But because it was an A, it was always secretive, and she was not there for h very much when he was growing up. The man she had an A with had moved two states away when my H was a teenager and his mother would "visit" down there a couple nights a week every other week. She would then bug the phone to find out what my H was up to since she wasn't there physically to know. My h also had a accident when he was younger that gave him permanent scars on his face. So needless to say his self esteem was never very high. I knew all this when we met but thought that I could "fix" it with unconditional love and support.
Since we got together there have been several instances where H has completely lied and kept things from me. The major ones I can think of was that he was not doing drugs (Because of my family history, I did not want to get involved with anyone who had a drug or alcohol problem). I caught him on 3 different occasions involved in steroids. Each time, he asked me to not leave him and promised to stop. Also, when he first got on the force, he had a female partner that he lied about, working with and going out in groups. He told me about her but only by last name and implied she was a man. When I found out, I told him how lying about it made him look guilty whether he did anything or not. He said he understood but continued to lie. We broke up for a few months, but he kept calling and after a while he told me he made a mistake and realized what he did wrong and it would never happen again if I took him back. He seemed to really be making an effort to be honest up until this all happened, otherwise I wouldn't have married him.
So I know that his family has not been the best role model for him. I know that he was taught that cheating and lying is ok from them. But it has been 12 years of me trying to explain that it is not how a relationship is supposed to be. He says he understands now. I can even see him trying to make an effort to not lie to other people as well. I have tolerated this up until now because 1. he would change 2. the things he was lying about were not hurting me. So how do I get him to understand this can't keep happening? He knows now why he started lying and sneaking around. I just am not sure if he can stop it. I do know that i cannot continue to live like this always wondering if he's lying.
Has anyone had to deal with situations like this before?
