I posted this on recovery site, but not too many responses. Also, just to add..my wh never said that he loved the ow or wanted to leave me for her. he said he was just unhappy, never told me he loved her, or I did anything wrong. He says it was all him. This is even harder to figure out.....

My husband returned home in October. He had an affair for about 10 months. He moved out in June and moved the ow to another state, stayed there for 10 days and decided he wanted to come home. Our recovery, i think is going well. WE do fun things together again, talk more. She has moved away about 10 hours, so as far as I know, no contact. Still, since he has returned we have had sex only once. I have brought this up several times, but do not know what else to do. i have tried to initiate sex, dress sexy, candles, etc. Nothing. the one response he said was that he did not want me to fall in love again with him and it not work out. Kind of strange if he wants it to work out. I think it must be the guilt. I know he is not with anyone else. We were seeing a MC for about 8 weeks, but he does not want to go anymore. Other than this, we are fine. I am able to put everything aside and work on our marriage, but I want that closeness again. I am not sure why he will not attempt it with me. he is not on any medication or anything that would affect him. HELP. I feel like a 16 yr old boy pressuring his girlfriend. What man does not want sex?? He is affectionate with kisses and hugs and holds me in bed, just no passionate kisses and no SF. He just rejects me and it is not helping me feel good about myself. He will not talk about it either

Are you sure he is not involved in another A? I would agree with you when you say "what man does not want sex?"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lovetoomuch:
Other than this, we are fine.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're not fine.... this stinks.

Let's see... he refuses SF and he refuses counseling.... hmmmmmmmmmmmm

Time for boundaries to be set.

No more conflict avoidance ... get a babysitter one night and take him out ... and lay it on the table.

"I want a marriage that includes sex. Are you willing to have this sort of marrige with me, yes or no?"

Pitbull him .... that means you don't let go until he answers your question.

If he says "yes" .... you say "Tonight's the night"

Pep

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

That is exactly what I thought. Not even men, but women too. I am pretty sure he is not in another affair. I know of his comings and goings most days.

I have told him over and over, that I am continuing to feel rejected with this behavior. That I was rejected once, and want that closeness again. I want him to do it because he wants to as well, not just because I do.

Is there men or women for that matter that are in a fog for months and do not want to have sex??

I thought this would be the best way to recover. I am a BIG conflict avoider. I am sick of hearing my ownself bring up the topic, but not always directly. I will have to lay it on the table..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lovetoomuch:
I have told him over and over, that I am continuing to feel rejected with this behavior.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stop saying the same thing over and over... this is pointless.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want him to do it because he wants to as well, not just because I do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wrong. Just get him "there" and his desire will be right behind ... trust me.

"Tonight are we going to have sex?" ... he answers "blah blah blah" ... YOU say: "OK. Here's the deal. No sex, and no recovery plan like therapy ... so why are you here with me?"

Pitbull him sweetie.

Pep

He will be home tonight after work. Should I talk tonight, or invite him out to a nice dinner this week and tell him what I want. A good marriage with a husband that desires me. I guess I am scared that he no longer desires me, but like you said Pep, why is here?? It is not for the money, lol. After his affair, he lost his job and we are struggling right now with finances. He has a job, but making a little over minimum wages. He left her and came back home, so I figured this is what he wants. He says he loves me and is affectionate but just not passinate..

I would schmooze him with a date first .... then go out for a quiet drink or coffee... When you are more or less alone and comfortable, bring it to the table. And don't give up until he comes up with an answer that makes sense.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess I am scared that he no longer desires me</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Being scared and conflict-avoiding because you are scared is just a softer form of living a lie.

Are you ugly or something? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Naw.... you ain't ugly.... you're beautiful, like me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This is one hill worthy to die on, if you catch my drift.

Pep

No, the strange thing is he gives me compliments. He tells me I am beautiful and prettier then the ow was. So, that is what is strange. it is like he sees me as his friend only. i am starting to feel like a roommate. Someone who knows him so well, but not intimate.

Well, a date and schmoozing it will be. Probably in a few nights. I am taking a self defense course twice a week, so I am home late twice this week.

My first thought: If he really and truly is not sleeping with somebody else but does not want SF with you, then he's either got an STD or is afraid he's got one. Have you been tested? Has he?

Hope that's not the case, but WS are notorious for having unprotected sex. Make sure you protect *yourself.*
Mulan

Not offering 'what to do' advice here but just wanted to say this:

My now XH got to the place in our M where he only wanted SF maybe once every 3 or 4 months. We went 9 months once--a few years ago! I truly understand the feeling of not being desired. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

And no, things were NOT fine! I pressed for MC and he didn't want it--told me not to worry, that he was just tired. In fact, there was a lot of resentment and other things building that all spilled out when he found the OW and had that A that ended our marriage.

But my point: at the time we were having SF so infrequently, he was NOT sleeping with anyone else. He was just very unhappy and resentful, toward me, with himself, at life in general.

It was only WHEN he started having SF with the OW that he was more interested in SF with me, too. (And it was that same way 12 years earlier when he had his first A. Having an A...more sex drive. No A, no SF at home either. Weird, but true.)

But I totally agree that you need to get to the bottom of it BEFORE it ends up in another affair!

LL

Tell him you made an appt for him at the doctor to discuss his lack of drive. See how he reacts? Let him know that impotence in men his age c/b a sign of: ______________. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L.

Some men are such jerks * sigh *

pep is SPOT ON. You don;t want a M without physical intimacy so why tolerate it now with no sign of improvement?

Carpe Diem.

love, ask yourself this question. What is it that I want and deserve in this M? Do I want a platonic M or a M that includes sex? If you want your M to include sex than how your H is handling this situation is not acceptable. If he is having problems for whatever reason than he needs to get help for it. If he refuses to get help, well then you have some choices to make. Avoiding conflict is not the answer.

My H and I began resuming sex within about 3 weeks after d-day. It was very passionate at first, then it felt kind of emotionless. Good, but without feeling. It became not very enjoyable for me. I confronted him on that one. Then about 3 or 4 months ago the quantity began decreasing from what it was. I wasn't sure my H was into me and confronted him on that also. I told him if he isn't into me then let me know, because I'm not into a platonic M. He swore up and down that was not the case. Through conversations I think his guilt, especially brought on by sexual questions during A talks, effected him sexually. Things have gotten better, but a recent talk may have set us back again. I don't know. The thing is I know I want sex in this M, and not having it is not an option. I guess you need to understand what you are willing to tolerate. Good luck! CV

The last time I can remember really wonderful passionate sex was on a holiday in Spain 3 and a half years ago. After this my WH started struggling sexually. He'd get aroused and then go limp. Because he does take a lot of medication and we had some financial problems, I thought it was a combination of these two factors. I told him it didn't matter but asked him to talk about viagra with his doc. He told me he did but not suitable cos of his meds. (I wonder now if he ever did talk to the doc or was it another lie). I really enjoy SF and I was the one in our relationship who always made the first move (which was quite frequently).

But it is now apparent that from the moment he got into contact with an old girlfriend on the Friends Reunited Website, he just couldn't perform with me and it went from bad to worse. I didn't know about the contact then, but I felt intimidated about making the first move in bed because as he was struggling with SF, it seemed I would be putting more pressure on him than he needed.

I am mortified where my tolerance of this situation has led us (we are currently separated and he had an EA and a PA during this time). He is so unhappy but has so many issues and they all relate to sex. After Dday, I touched, stroked, enticed, but got nothing but tears and misery. Don't allow your husband to think SF is not that important to you. It obviously is or you wouldn't be posting your thread. It makes you feel vital and wanted and yes, we can make do with many other gadgets, but it is great having a hot, sweaty body next to you.

Your WH could be hung up worrying about STDs - it is a great concern of mine (we live in Asia). When I think where his .... has been and it's been in my mouth - yuck! This issue is what has wrecked my marriage. He is petrified of SF with me now because he keeps getting limp and psycologically that is SUCH a HUGE big deal for him. I want SF. He won't go to counselling. blah blah blah. I could write on this subject forever.

You've got your husband home, hopefully because that is where he wants to be but don't go down the path I did. I said nothing because I didn't want to put pressure on him. We should both have gone to a doctor together and discussed this issue. I hope you sort it out and pluck up the courage to deal with this vitally important issue together. If you're not getting SF, at least keep touching and stroking each other or else that space between you in bed will just get wider and wider. Good luck. TT

Thanks for all of the advice and experience.

I will talk to my husband this week and tell him, I want sex in my marriage. I love him and desire him and want the same.

I will tell him that I do not want to end up in the same situation he was in last year at this time. Not happy and not wanting to be married, because he did not want that life. Again, he says it was him all along, not me. That he was not sure that he wanted a life that was the same thing everyday. He knew what to expect. I do not understand it, but that is what he said. He said that the ow was in the same situation.

I am just concerned about not getting back there. I have tried to talk and he does not want too, but he knows talking is very high on my needs list. I will let you guys know.

Hi LTM,

Don't know if you saw my post over ob Recovery, so I cut & pasted it here:

So sorry this is happening to you. It happened to me, but not for 3 months. It is demoralizing, and is very hard on your self-esteem, and sense of being a woman. And...you want to have sex!

You have already read the possibilities:

1. Guilt. I really think this is it. During the time my H couldn't/wouldn't have sex with me, he was feeling horribly guilty.

2. Fog. I think this is also part of it. These WSs really idealize and glorify the SF that they had w/ the OP (yuckyuckyuck). He may feel he's 'cheating on' her memory (I know, gross). He may feel he's unworthy of having sex with you.

3. It's still going on. OK, possible. Are you checking? Please check. Don't feel bad. Remember, 'all's fair..."? You are fighting for your M. Check, snoop, don't tell him you're doing it (some will say I'm wrong, but I do snoop. It's how I KNOW there's been NC for 4 months - going on 5 ).

4. Unresolved grief. Yes, grief. I know, double yuck. This A, that almost destroyed your lives, and he's grieving for it. But they do grieve. There's no point in getting mad or bitter about it. Acknowledge it to him. Tell him you think he may be grieving for the 'lost' feelings associated w/the A. My H got very upset when I presented this possibility, but he later admitted I was right. And, shortly after that, he became passionate again.

Above all, don't give up. He is sick right now. He needs you. He's lucky to have you.
-----------------------------------------
me-50 FWH-44 M-20yrs DD-19 DS-15 DS-9
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/08/04 WD/Fog5/04-9/04
NC ltr - 9/03/04
In recivery with God's help

I don't know what to think. I have be sexless for longer and I feel so confused.

I posted in recovery: Hey, it's been a lot longer for me. MC says H may be traumatized sexually right now on account of guilt and shame. Plus, it would be difficult for me to have any kind of a sex life if I was disgusted with myself and ashamed. Low self image does not make for a high sex drive.

Remember, if the A wasn't about you, neither is the fact that your not having sex. Sounds like your H is recovering in his own way.

The biggest issue with this is my H is afraid he'll never recover his desire. Well, I bet when he feels better about who he is and what he's accomplished (amends or whatever) his drive will increase.

Read MB's info on sexual aversion. It is another option.

Good luck. I miss sex but my goal is not to have sex today, but to have a healed marriage with all of the benefits. As long as H and I are working toward a healed marriage, I look more toward my long term goals.

But what Pep said really sticks with me: Being scared and conflict-avoiding because you are scared is just a softer form of living a lie.

I think my H and I both do this. I am tired of it but scared that I am blind to my own behavior.

Man. My [censored] is on wrong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Man. My [censored] is on wrong.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">~LOL~

I never heard this expression before!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />