I was just thinking about that movie Sliding Doors where the Gwyneth Paltrow characture leads two entirely different lives based upon her catching a subway train or not. In one she catches the train to arrive home and find her boyfriend cheating on her, if she misses the train she gets mugged, goes to the hospital and arrives home to find her boyfriend in the shower.

I was thinking about my situation. It all started when my WW went to visit some old friends and the female friend of hers got intoxicated and went home with a stranger she met that night. My WW then went home with a male friend and now I am getting divorced. I can't help but think what if my WW's female friend hadn't gone home with a stranger, I wouldn't be getting a D right now.

I know you can coulda, shoulda, woulda all day long, but I just thought it was interesting that the little event, however insignificant it may have seemed at the time (my WW's friend having a ONS) could have ahuge impact on our lives (now we are divoricing and our children will grow up in a broken home).

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
MIF?

It is so amazing how one ripple in the water can change events for so many.

You're WW meets you at the airport so you can go to Vegas. The only reason she comes is you left you're birth certificate at home, you need it to enter the states. She got to the airport 5 mins before I was to board the plane.

If she had not found it, I would have missed my flight and her PA would not have happened that night.

One ripple in the water, changes so much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

MIF?

I never play that what if game.There is no rhyme or reason to it.It's all about CHOICES.Whatever the other friend did does not impact your WW's decision to go with another man and get involved.She had the ability/free will to say NO,walk away,take a cab,go home with a GIRL friend,etc,etc.It was all her,no one else.JMVHO.

I'm sorry you are sad.I know how it goes.

O

alank,
Isn't is a sh!tty feeling knowing that. Maybe something less significant would have happened and my STBXW and I would have gotten into counselling and fixed what was wrong instead of her choosing to get involved with another man.

Now she is still trying to blame me for her affair. She tells me that she doesn't think I can change, but yet wont even give me a chance. It is my fault that she was forced into the arms of another man, my fault that our family is now being ripped apart at its foundation and our children will ultimately suffer. But I guess it's okay because it's my fault. She hasn't done anything wrong. She is just looking out for herself for a change.

OG,
I know you are right, it's just the thought that my life *could* be so different at this point than it is. Now I am enduring the worst thing I have ever had to, because of one small, insignificant ripple.

Mif,

I understand how you feel, have you seen the Butterfly Effect?

Same idea, one event can change so many other things in life. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I still bekive my WW made the choice she did and it was wrong, yet it does make me think at times, what if?

I know it wont change anything, perhaps it would have given us time to work it out first, perhaps it would have delayed the A?

Don't know....But I understand.

I'll have to watch the Butterfly Effect. I know my STBXW made the choice no matter what she says ("it just happened") and that my life may not be *better* right now. We were both unhappy before and didn't do anything about it (both conflict avoiders). Maybe all that would have happened was the affair would have been delayed, maybe though one of us would have stepped up to the plate and said we needed to do something to fix this before it happens. My STBXW told me recently that she had told friends in the past that she was always afraid she may have an A. Why didn't she say anything to me? I mean, if she comes to me and says "Listen, I am very unhappy and am afraid I will have an A unless things change around here. We need to get counselling or else someone is going to come along and it might happen." It might have been enough to seek out the help. Now I want to get the help and fix this, but she says she "doesn't think I can change".

Oh well. Coulda, shoulda, woulda....

Hi {{MIF?,alank}},

One thing that has been clear to me for a very long time is this: every single person on this Earth now and to come will be "challenged" in some way by diversity or hardship.Some more than other's.I may have been to he** and back but I am still grateful for all the blessings in my life: food to eat,a roof over my head,good health,health of my children,family,friends,etc,etc.

But it's how we DEAL with these challenges that makes a difference.No one gets through this life unscathed and it's easier to believe that if we did this or that better we could avoid disaster.But no.Not always.When it comes to the choices of other's we don't always have the ability to control that.If a man comes at me with a knife while I am walking my dog down the country road,I will try to fend him off but I may just get killed anyway.It's not my fault,it's the fault of the perpetrator.

This issue of being in any way responsible for the actions of other's will always bring me to a post,which is why I am here.MIF,alan,you guys did absolutely nothing to warrant this pain you are in.Even if you abused your W,she should get out of the marriage first before making the choice to cheat.I've said it before and I'll keep saying it: Adultery is NEVER the answer to anything.You see this right? Significant or not,whatever you did or didn't do before the A was not any justification,reason or excuse for your WW's to do what they did.Anymore than it is the fault of a Manager who has to fire an employee who later comes back to shoot him out of rage.

In this society,there are appropriate and inappropriate choices,actions and behavior and appropriate means with which to deal with unmet needs,issues,fears,insecurities,marital problems and health,etc.We live in the year 2005 and adultery is not some enigma: it is a ongoing and increasing problem in marriages and families.

Guys,I understand you both love your WW's,but please put the "blame" squarely where it belongs.THIS is real life,not Sliding Doors,not The Butterly Effect,those are movies with only skewed hollywood versions of what it REALLY means to endure the fallout of choices of another:in our case,Adultery.WE are living it.

Stay Strong,Stay True.

O

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

OG,

I know you are right. I agree 100% that my WW should have told me she was unhappy and wanted out before she ever cheated on me. I don't buy her bs that it's my fault. I think that is what she tells herself to make her feel better about what she has done and to give her a reason to continue seeing her BF. I am just feeling sorry for myself I guess and wondering "what if?"

I can sympathize,really.I have heard several posters over the past year+ say how they have avoided issues in the marriage,kept their feelings to themselves(my WH),withdrew,ignored pleas for change.No one is completely innocent of poor choices or behavior all the time,even me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but until we start educating our children and couples of what marriage really means,and that it is not some endless well that we can draw from all the time and that a Marriage is what you make it,we will continue to be disillusioned by ideals,untruths.

I think MB and programs like it should be mandatory before getting a marriage license.The huge cost in emotional suffering of couples,children and other family members and the huge financial cost of D across the country and the destruction of family and the break up of marriages related to adultery is to me,staggering.It amazes me that we still glamorize/romanticize it in film and that there isn't more outrage.Are members here and on other sites(SYMC) the only people willing to take a stand and try to get the word out and improve marriages? Where do all the other BS's go,into hiding?

I still like to quote Frank Pittman: "Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy,it's supposed to make you married".I think we have to start recognizing that many of us in todays society have unrealistic expectations of what Marriage is all about.When we don't get from "it" what we want or need,we start looking to other's to fill those voids.This can lead to,IMO, The Bunnyhop Effect.lol Hopping from one relationship to the next looking for that "perfect" person who is everything to us.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> instead of understanding ourselves enough to know what we need and want in life first and how we can share in that with another person.

Ugh.I'm on my soapbox again.That's it for now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

O

I can sympathise with alank & MIF?, I have been having one helluva day running through the weeks & months before D-day (which for me was also I'm moving out day). I look at the garage each night when I drive home & it is empty, I anguish over the fact that I have 2 garage door openers in my truck, feel the knife twist in my heart everytime I look into DD & DS's eyes.

Then the "IF ONLIES" start and it gets even worse, because I can now clearly see what I was doing to WW that gave her the justification she needed for the A.

Then I look at the fact that I felt I HAD to file for D & custody to protect my kids, but part of me feels like I started 2 trains headed towards each other on the same track, and I can't stop them. I know when they meet the wreck called D will be a horrendous site indeed.

I take comfort in the fact that Jesus has a plan for my life, and I have to have faith that He will reveal it to me when I am ready to accept that plan and act on it. It is NOT easy, and I often have to talk to my pastor to refresh & renew my faith, but that is all I have anymore (outside of my 2 kids).

I will pray for you, and all of the rest of us here on MB, and I hope that you will do likewise.

In HIS Love,

OG,

I agree, they should have a mandatory class on relationships and parenting. When you buy an appliance or electronic device you get a manual to go with it, however two of the most important decisions you could ever make (to get married or become a parent) you get nothing.

Not sure where other BS's go, probably nuts. I know I would without this place.

MIF?