Okay, so I talked to WH about my "feeling safe" in our recovery.

Very well scripted.....I wrote it all out so that I would not LB....no DJ's, no demands, etc.

I told WH about how I was feeling. What could we do to help me feel safe, secure, etc....

First, he told me that he has NOT seen or talked to OW since he came back home.

WH pretty much told me that I didn't appreciate anything he has done. He calls me once or twice during the day. He brings his cell phones in the house at night.

I told him that I DO appreciate what he has done. But the fact was that he used to call me 4 or 5 times a day while he was in the A, both before and after D-Day.

Then he went on to say that he just thought that I might be happier if he never came back. That he just didn't know if this was going to work.

That this kind of talk has just put him right back in the hole he was trying to get out of. That's why he is going to a counselor.

He's sure that the way he is feeling now is because of something from his childhood (his childhood was no different from any other "normal" childhood - no abuse, good parents, etc). The counselor told him that first he needs to get WH to stop thinking of himself as a "piece of $hit" before he can work on anything else.

Soooo, basically, I got NOTHING from WH. No satisfaction. He was just angry and agitated.

Everytime I try to talk to him (which isn't often), it usually dissolves into talk about him and how bad he is feeling. He doesn't seem to see that his depression (and getting on anti-D's) didn't start until about 3 months after his A started.

I still have not had ANY questions answered, and this really isn't going the way I NEED it to go. If I ask any questions, they never get answered....he talks all around them, but never answers them.

Once, WH even said "You think YOU feel bad.....if you knew how I felt, it would scare you to death!"

He's been somewhat distant since. No SF. No really good kisses....just little pecks.

Is he still trying to preserve the "fantasy" with OW? Is he trying to keep his secrets preserved? I don't know how to turn this around.

My SIL's H did the same thing to her. Had an A. She waited 2 years for it to end. They have NEVER talked about it! SIL said "these **** men are different....if you push them at all, they will go the other way! So, we have never talked about the A!"

We are leaving tomorrow to go to Las Vegas for 3 nights. This whole thing is tearing me up. I WANT to have a good time.

Any opinions on this situation?

K

See if you notice the common thread that runs through what you said your H said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. WH pretty much told me that I didn't appreciate anything he has done.

2. Then he went on to say that he just thought that I might be happier if he never came back.

3. WH even said "You think YOU feel bad.....if you knew how I felt, it would scare you to death!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH tells you what you think, what you feel, what you mean by what you say.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is he still trying to preserve the "fantasy" with OW? Is he trying to keep his secrets preserved?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think so. He is not a skilled listener. He hears but interprets through a filter. He thinks he knows what you desire even though you say something different.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know how to turn this around.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">More concrete sentences from you. Fewer questions from you, more declarative sentences. Express yourself in ways that are undisputable ... in WRITING if necessary.

Have fun in Vegas baby.

Drop the R talks for the vacation. Be declarative .... don't forget!

Pep

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thanks, Pep...

Can you give me a "for instance"?

You KNOW I think you are a "Jenus"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WH pretty much told me that I didn't appreciate anything he has done.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I appreciate this (name it).

I appreciate this too (name another).

Thank you for doing (name it).

Simple declarative statements.

Rather than....

"How can you SAY that I don't appreciate you?"

Pep

K, go to Vegas and try to have fun. Then I would have a talk with your H, and as Pep said, be specific. No wonder you don't feel safe. He's telling you stuff like maybe the M won't work out and you'd be better off without him. That's bullcrap! That doesn't sound like a man who is willing to do whatever it takes to get the M back. Granted it takes time to get over the withdrawal. But in the meantime you can still have meaningful conversations about what's going on. Are you both still talking to Steve? Remember K, your H doesn't have to hold all the cards here. If you need questions answered, then at some point he needs to answer those questions. CV

You guys are right.....just tell him specifically what I need to feel safe. I'll plan on that.

No, we haven't talked to SH since before Christmas. At that time WH was feeling "pushed" into trying to make me feel safe (he felt pushed because he was still in contact with OW).

He's just seeing his IC right now. How long is that gonna take? For him to "get his head straight"... I mean.

I'm going to have a great time in Las Vegas. This is the only REAL (little) vacation I've had in 16 months! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm staying strong.

K