Recently my wife told me that she had paid someone to place software on my computer to monitor every key stroke and address that i visited online.

My wife and i have been married 5+ years. We have lived together only 6 months of that time. She has her own home and I have mine. My adult daughter lives with me and her adult son lives with her.

Our plan was to move together once the adult children were out on there own.

Anyway. Prior to our marriage my wife was aware that I had accessed poronographic sites on my work computer and was concerned that i was doing it again. I really wasnt but I was signed up in some adult chatroom with a phony profile. I am not justify what I did. It was so wrong and I have asked my wife many times to forgive me or at least let me work through the counselling and try to put our marriage back together. Other than this one thing, I have been ok.

I have never physically met and have never spoke to anyone that I have chatted with online. It was just a diverson for me since I was home alone all the time.

Anyway, She received in the mail a copy of my online profile about a year ago, and without confronting me, she got some one to plant spyware on my computer that would routed her an eamil everytime I got online and where i went. She kept all of this from me hoping that i would tell her. Of course I was not aware of her doing that and I didnt tell her.

Oh, my question is; isnt that an invasion of my privacy. I am not into wanting any legal action, but now I want to let her know that what she dis was not a lot different that what i had been doing. I am undergoing counselling for this and am making great progress but she is insistent on getting a divorce.

Would love feed back from you on this.

Thanks

"What she did" is a WHOLE LOT different from what you did.

Are you sure you're on the right board?
PM

Hello marktym,

Welcome to MB.

I'm a little confused here.Your W was hoping that you would tell her that you found her out by noticing the spyware? How could you do that and why was she waiting to hear from you after a year? What difference would that make? It seems odd to me.

If she was already aware of your porn past and has no reason to believe that you logged on again since she placed the spyware she should be pleased,I would think,that she found nothing abnormal(if that is the case).Why is she filing for a divorce(D)?

I will admit that setting up spyware on you after being married without a reasonable cause wasn't fair.However,many times we DO advocate that when a spouse believes that their H or W is being unfaithful.What is really happening is not an invasion of privacy but a search for the truth.Privacy issues always arise when someone has something to hide,at least here on this site.

I believe that when you are married,you should be an open book.If you have a desire for porn,for example,it is worth discussing with your spouse before it becomes a problem.You said your W knew about your online porn viewing before you were married but does she have any reason to be worried now? It sounds extreme to me that she wants a D because you weren't able to acknowledge her spyware.

Have you viewed porn again since you were married? Are you undergoing counseling for your past porn issue,your privacy concern(strange) or what? Sorry,can you elaborate?

O

Octobergirl:

Thank you very much for your response. I will say right off, what I did to start my wife doing what she did was very wrong and I have prayed about it, and am in counselling and doing well. I have accessed NO porn or chatrooms since christmas eve.

Prior to my wife and I being married she knew that I had had a problem with accessing sites that I shouldnt be accessing. That was in 1997.

We were married in 1999, and how my wife found out was that someone that knew me and her, pulled a profile off a chatroom that had my picture on it, and mailed it to my wife. She then paid to have spyware secreted onto my computer and monitored my computer access. This all started in November 2003 and she confronted me on Christmas eve 2004. I take full responsibility for what I did and am in counselling and will not, God willing, ever access chatrooms etc again. That is my oath.

She on the other hand said that it was the same as being unfaithful too her. I have never physically met anyone that I talked with in a chatroom nor have I ever talked on the phone with anyone from them. For me it was a fantasy. My wife and I have been married for 5+ years, but have only lived together for 6 month in the same house. We both have adult children, her a son and me a daughter. My dau did not like my wife and her son doesnt like me. So we both have houses and planned to be together as soon as our children leave home. They are in thier 20s.

I talked with her tonight and she feels I am dirty, evil, etc etc. Not sure if there is ever going to be a chance for her and me to ever get past this problem.

I was going to say, that I never ever planned to meet any of the people I talked with in a chat room. Since my wife was not at home with me, I just filled my time on the computer. I very very bad thing in retrospect.

Thanks again for responding.

When you chat with someone on the computer.....that is time spent away from chatting with your wife.

Whether you were ever to meet one of the people in person or not, you were turning AWAY from your mate, the person who you should turn towards for intimacy.

She is reacting to your disconnection to her as a woman who was willing to give it a go with you.

Hi again,

Thank you for clarifying some things.I guess,based on what you mentioned,you still had been accessing porn up until late last month and only recently have addressed your problem in counseling.If you had given her any indication previously that the porn "addiction" was over and had kept the truth from her all this time that you were still viewing it,then I can see where she would feel betrayed and file for a D.

I think for more women than men,porn is a scourge of society and I know I find it demeaning toward all women and I find it very distasteful,so,if my H were to be viewing it,instead of spending time with me,and without my knowledge,I would be very upset too.My WH has logged onto some sites that I found "by accident" on our downstairs computer and I was not happy to say the least.He left information around that my older daughter could have viewed and I hit the roof.

I think it is great that you are seeking help to stop this problem but it may be a little late in the game in order to make your W stay in the marriage.I would think the best thing you can do is SHOW her how committed you are to stopping this behavior,show her how much you love her by taking her out,talking with her,doing nice things fr her,essentially a Plan A,if you know what that means(read under the Q&A section here).Maybe she would be open to doing an Emotional Needs Questionnaire(ENQ)with you so you can try to reclaim your marriage and trust in each other back.That is all you can do right now in face of her desire to forge ahead with a D.Maybe she will come around.I hope that she will.

I'm sorry your respective children appear not to approve of your marriage/relationship.And,you had lived apart for most of your marriage which isn't the ideal of situations either.

Well.I'm not sure if this helped but as we like to say here at MB,you can only change yourself,not other's so do the best you can to prove to your W you are serious about taking her concerns to heart and that you want to stop hurting her and regain her trust by your actions.

I sincerely hope for the best outcome.Good luck!

O

Hi and Welcome to MB

My husband also had a problem with chatting, so I can understand where your wife is coming from. Just think about if the roles were reversed, how would you feel if it was your w chatting with other men? Affairs aren't always physical they can be emotional.

Going online takes your time and energy away from your w whether you live together or not. I think it's sad that the S and D don't support your marriage. Since they are older why are you two allowing them to run your life so to speak?

My oldest D doesn't like her stepmom at all but it sure didn't stop her father from marrying her, D also knows that the sm was the other woman. I've had many talks with her about being respectful, giving things a chance etc and she's at least trying.

You can read some great articles on the MB site and there are some great members here that can help you out!!

I don't believe in 'privacy' between a married couple. Especially when the word privacy is often used to mean secrecy. Privacy - to me - means you can have the bathroom door shut while you attend to your bathroom needs - Privacy has NOTHING to do with being allowed to have a secret life. When you marry, you become one. And as one, you have a right to know what's going on in your house, and in your spouses mind. I believe the same of the children that live in the house. In our home, if we have any concern that something is going on that we aren't sure of - we may resort to snooping or mild spying. You can't fix something if you haven't got any idea of what you're up against.

So you got caught and your mad about how you got caught. Fine. You see that you and your wife have a problem. Focus on fixing that - not on creating another problem. Whether you agree with her methods for obtaining her information - or whether you agree on what she's done with the information she's gathered, she wasn't wrong that something secretive was going on. Pointing fingers at how she obtained that information isn't going to soften her reaction - if anything, it will only put her further on the defense. Now is the time for humility and action. Take action to really address your problems and show your wife that your marriage means as much to you as your words are saying.